by Lex Martin
“You mean the way you uprooted your whole life and all your plans to follow Caleb?” Her voice comes sharp and pricks me. It’s quiet for a few moments as I find my way in this foreign land where Lo and I may be at odds.
“It’s not the same,” I say quietly. “Our situations are not the same, and you know it.”
“No, they’re not,” Lo fires back. “Because unlike you, I won’t hand my life over to some man. I’m taking this opportunity by the horns and following my dreams. I would never allow myself to end up trapped in somebody else’s plans for me.”
“Trapped?” I cannon back. “What are you saying? I should have had an abortion?”
“You know I love Sarai.” She pauses. “But I would’ve been more careful about what was going in my lady business and made sure he was wrapped up tight.”
“I’m not the first woman this has happened to, Lo. You know condoms aren’t a hundred percent.”
“I know, but . . .” The quiet on the other end swells with her hesitation.
“But what?”
“I don’t trust Caleb.”
I abandon the vegetables altogether, my hands dropping and falling limply at my side. “Did someone say something to you? You heard something about him?” I ask, dread gathering in my stomach.
“No, nothing like that,” she says quickly. “I saw a shadow.”
My head tilts as I try to discern what the hell this means. “A shadow? I don’t understand.”
“On his . . . soul,” she says, her voice lowered to a whisper. “I think I saw a shadow on his soul.”
“What do you-you . . .” I can’t even stutter right. This is so ridiculous. “What the hell does that even mean? A shadow on his soul? He’s the father of my child, Lo. This is serious. It’s not time for some voodoo shit you caught from MiMi.”
“Maybe if you’d taken the time to learn some of that voodoo shit,” Lotus says, her voice crackling with disapproval, “you wouldn’t be with him right now.”
“Look, you keep that superstitious crap to yourself. I love MiMi just like you do, but—”
“Oh, I doubt that,” Lo scoffs. “You barely know her. Your comments prove that.”
My hurt swells and builds until it makes my eyes wet and my jaw clench. “Just because I didn’t live with her like you did doesn’t mean I don’t love her.”
“Whatever.” A door slams shut between us. We rarely talk about the circumstances which led to Lo leaving New Orleans and living with MiMi. I know it’s a sensitive issue. How could it not be? But all of a sudden, it feels like we should have talked about this more. It feels like something our family swept under the rug for years is about to break us.
“Lo, wait. This whole conversation has gotten out of control. Let’s . . .” I don’t know what.
“Let’s what, Bo? Start over?” Bitterness cracks Lotus’s voice. “Some things don’t get do-overs. Not some forty-year-old man taking your virginity before you even have your first period. Not your own mother choosing him over you and shipping you off to the bayou to live with your great-grandmother.”
That incident will probably haunt us both for the rest of our lives. It was the thing that took Lo away from New Orleans. She’d fight to her last breath for me, and I’d do the same for her, but I can’t form words to soothe her deep wounds. I don’t know what I can say to get us where we were before this awful conversation happened.
“But the joke’s on Mama,” Lo continues with a harsh laugh, “because getting away from her was the best thing that ever happened to me. I learned a lot that I never would have if I’d stayed in the Lower Ninth. Now, I can see when a man has a shadow on his soul, and I’m telling you that I saw a shadow. Do with that whatever you please.”
“It just doesn’t make sense to me, Lo,” I say, pleading for her to understand.
“Something’s off. I don’t know what it is, but it is, and I, for one, am not gonna sit by and watch you barter yourself the way our mamas did.”
I swallow the hot knot of hurt that almost chokes me. “Wow. Is that what you think I’m doing?” I ask, my voice pitched so low I barely hear myself. “What our mothers did? You think I’m like them now?”
“I didn’t mean it that way.” Lo sighs heavily. “I do think you could have done things a little differently, but I get it. It’s hard to think of doing things on your own.”
“That’s not why I’m here, Lo.” My voice assumes a hard edge. “Caleb is Sarai’s father.”
“Yeah, but not yours,” Lo snaps. “So why have you allowed him to dictate everything? To manipulate you into this situation?”
“Manipulate?” An outraged breath puffs from my chest. “I haven’t let him manipulate me. You were there. You know I was on bed rest. I couldn’t work. I couldn’t even leave the house. I had nowhere to go.”
“You don’t see it.” Her words ring bitter. “Just like your mother never saw it. Just like mine never did either.”
“How dare you compare me to them?” Every word lands somewhere it shouldn’t. On my heart. Through my soul.
“How are you different? Living off a man’s wealth to keep a roof over your head and clothes on your back. Fucking some rich man so he’ll provide for you.”
“Everything I’ve done . . . or not done . . . has been for Sarai, and you know it. I had so few choices. I’m doing the best I can.”
“I know, Bo. I wish . . .” Her voice peters out, and I can feel some of the enmity we’ve flung at each other over the last few minutes draining away. “I wish you had gotten away from them, too. I hope they didn’t influence you more than you realized.”
“That’s an awful thing to say.” Hurt cracks my voice.
“I know you would never choose him over Sarai,” Lo rushes to say. “I don’t mean it that way. I meant—”
“I think we should end this,” I interrupt. “This conversation is only getting worse, and we may not be on speaking terms by the end of it. Drop out of school. Move to New York for the atelier or whatever you call it.”
The silence between us is unlike any we’ve shared. It’s a wall of invisible bricks, layered with the mortar of our hurtful words.
“Okay,” Lo finally replies. “Just remember if you need me, if you need anything, hopscotch.”
Tears prick my eyes when she says that word. She could never get hopscotch right for some reason when we were little girls, so I helped her. I’d hop first, and she’d hop behind me, mimicking my steps until she got it herself. Silly as it seemed, it worked, and long after she could fly across the chalked squares by herself, “hopscotch” was our code for when we needed each other.
I’ll never forget the bloodcurdling scream bellowing through the air at our family reunion. It wasn’t my name she called when that man was on top of her. In her panic, she yelled hopscotch, and I ran. Before I saw them, I heard his grunts. And I heard Lo saying one word over and over.
Hopscotch. Hopscotch. Hopscotch.
I swore then, no one would ever hurt Lo again, not if I could help it. MiMi protected her for years living on the bayou, but when she moved to Atlanta for college, I took up the protective mantle personally. We haven’t actually said the word “hopscotch” in a long time, so hearing it from Lo now, when I’m the one hurting her and she’s the one hurting me, I have no idea what to do.
I mumble goodbye and rush off the phone. Knowing that’s what she thinks about me, after all these years, after everything I’ve seen her go through—right now, I can’t say hopscotch. Lo would be the last one I’d call for help.
Iris
I faked an orgasm.
Between bed rest, pelvic rest, the mandatory post-baby abstinence, and Caleb’s hectic practice and travel schedule, I haven’t had sex with Caleb in months. And the first time we do, I fake an orgasm.
When I told August I had to try to make my relationship work, I meant it. I had every intention of making this work, but I can’t ignore the signs anymore. I don’t love Caleb. I know it now, and I have to tell h
im.
It would be so convenient if I did love him. Leaving him will upset the apple cart. Hell, it will toss the apples into the street. Things are simple if I stay with Caleb, if I pretend this is what I want. Sarai and I will keep a multi-million-dollar roof over our heads, I’ll have more money than I know what to do with, and custody remains simple. I’ll have a partner to help raise my child. Though, despite Caleb’s initial obsession with my pregnancy, he has been surprisingly laissez faire about actually parenting. Maybe it’s just all the travel and the demands of his first NBA season. Maybe this summer, when he’s off, he’ll come into his own as a father.
I struggled at first, too. It took therapy and a prescription for me to be all in, but I am now. And the worst thing I could do for my daughter is turn a bad relationship into an awful marriage. I’ve always been determined I wouldn’t settle for all the crap my mother took, and Sarai won’t ever see that in me. I just have to figure out when to tell Caleb and how.
“Damn, that was good, Iris,” Caleb mutters into my neck, still inside of me. “I needed that so bad, baby.”
I just nod, willing him to get up so I don’t have to ask him to. Caleb has never been a gentle lover, and I know it’s been a long time, but he was rough, and I’m sore.
“The stress of this first season has been more than I realized.” He lifts his head and peers down into my face in the dim light from the lamp by our bed. “I may be Rookie of the Year. Do you have any idea how my dad would feel? How proud he’d be if that happened? But with us losing the last few games, I’m so on edge. Fucking commentators speculating and criticizing.”
He pushes the hair out of my eyes, his touch gentle.
“You take the edge off like nothing else, Iris.”
He frowns, and I follow the direction of his stare. There’s already faint bruising on my breast. Probably on my thighs and hips where he gripped them too hard. “Did I hurt you?”
He did. I wasn’t ready for him, but he shoved into me. He never makes sure I’m satisfied. Never makes sure I’m pleased first, just . . . takes. He always takes and never looks for ways to give me what I need. I’m always the one yielding, compromising, left wanting. When did I start noticing it? Why didn’t I notice it before?
“It’s okay.” I squirm beneath his weight. “You’re a little heavy, though.”
He shifts off my sore body. I’ve heard women say they like it rough, that they like hard fucks, but I don’t see the appeal. I don’t get how these bruises and aches are sexy. But as Lotus was quick to remind me, I’ve only ever been with Caleb. I have no one else to compare him to.
Only I find myself comparing him to August all the time, which is unfair. I haven’t lived with August. If I spent more than a day with him, maybe he wouldn’t be solicitous, and kind, and gentle, and considerate, and easy to talk to.
And sexy as hell.
I can’t keep thinking of another man, of Caleb’s rival this way, and continue living here, continue in this relationship. Maybe I should wait until his rookie season is over. He just admitted how stressful it’s been. That’s the most Caleb’s revealed to me in a long time. We’ve been like satellites, just kind of in each other’s orbit but not close enough to touch. The distance between us—doesn’t he feel it? Does he even care?
“Hey, there’s something I want to ask you,” Caleb says from his side of the bed. He’s lying on his side, his chin propped in his hand.
“Okay.” I lick my lips nervously and pull the sheet more tightly around my nakedness. “Shoot.”
Mischief lights his eyes and widens his smile, and for a moment, he’s that guy who showed up at the bookstore every day, with coffee, wooing me to go on a date with him. He turns over and reaches into his nightstand. When he comes back, his eyes dart between my face and the ginormous diamond he’s holding. “Iris, will you marry me?”
I always dreamt that when those words were spoken to me, I’d be elated. There would be no hesitation. I would fling myself into that man’s arms and weep for joy. Only the weeping part is turning out to be true. I blink back tears of frustration and regret. We are obviously nowhere near being on the same page since I was just contemplating how to leave him. This will be more difficult than I thought.
“Caleb, I don’t know what to say,” I mumble, biting my lip until it matches my other aches. “I’m . . . well, are you sure about this?”
“What the hell do you mean am I sure?” The ring trembles between his fingers with the anger I see clearly on his face. “We live together. We have a baby together. Of course, I’m sure. What kind of question is that?”
I wish he was being rhetorical, and I didn’t have to respond, but he’s clearly waiting, not too patiently, for my reply. “I mean, things haven’t been the same, have they?” I ask, searching his face for some answering understanding. “There’s been this distance, and I—”
“We couldn’t have sex for months, Iris, while you were on pelvic rest or whatever. And then we had to wait another six weeks.” He rolls away, tossing the priceless diamond onto the nightstand as if it’s one of those candy ring pops. “I’ve been on the road. Hell, you were moping around here for weeks like you’d lost your best friend. You didn’t even want our baby. Of course, there’s been distance.”
“What did you say about Sarai?” I pick the most disturbing thing from his list of grievances. “Of course it was hard at first, and I was sorting through a lot, but—”
“Forget I mentioned it.” He stands and walks into the bathroom, turning on the light and illuminating his well-conditioned body. He’s an elite athlete. At six foot six, he’s as tall as August. With his classic blond hair and navy blue eyes, he’s just as handsome in a completely different way. But there’s no thrill when I look at him naked. I suddenly scan my mind, my heart, for the last time there was.
I slip on my robe and follow him into the bathroom, determined to hash this out so we can end this chapter of our relationship and move on to the next. Figure out custody and co-parenting and all the details that come with a separation I hope won’t be messy.
“Caleb, can we talk?” I ask softly.
He’s silent, his broad, tanned back turned away from me, his posture stiff. I touch his shoulder. He flings my hand off. I stumble back from the force of it, and my hip bumps painfully into the sharp edge of the counter.
“Ow.” I wince, squeezing my eyes shut against the brief, blinding pain. “Caleb, God. That hurt.”
I wait for an apology that doesn’t come. His eyes run dispassionately over me, his inspection starting at my bare feet and climbing over every inch until he meets my eyes. There’s a frigid possessiveness there, as if I’m a misbehaving pet he owns but isn’t too fond of. One he needs to make sure gets back in line.
I shiver under that icy stare. I still feel it when he looks away. The cold has set in.
“Hey, we’ve got time.” He tugs me into him, even though he must feel how stiff I am in his arms. “Let’s not talk about marriage again until the season is over. Can you just give me that? I have a string of tough games coming up, and I need to focus.”
Everything in me screams to get this settled, because it’s lingered long enough, but I nod. I can give him that, but he’s never fucking me again. I felt like an object tonight—like he was collecting rent money. It was a transaction between our bodies, one where I got nothing, and he took everything. As I look back over our relationship, I have to wonder.
Has it been that way all along?
Iris
“We need to schedule some charitable work for you, Caleb.”
Sylvia, the Stingers’ community outreach coordinator, bites into the beignet I offered her with a cup of coffee.
“These are incredible.” She groans and closes her eyes in what looks like rapture. “Did you make these yourself, Iris?”
“Yeah.” I laugh and wave a finger in front of my mouth. “You have some powder.”
“Oh.” She brushes away the white powder. “Thank you. I didn�
�t know people actually made these at home.”
“Well, I’m from Louisiana.” I smile, thinking about the time MiMi showed Lo and me how to make them. “It’s one of the few recipes I follow pretty well.”
“I need to leave for tonight’s game in a little bit,” Caleb interjects, a small frown marring his expression. “What are the charitable opportunities?”
Sylvia’s smile dims a little, and so does mine. Caleb has been uncooperative and surly all day. I hoped he would shake the funk for this meeting with Sylvia, but he’s been distracted and abrupt the whole time she’s been here.
“Um, we have a great one at a community center downtown,” Sylvia says. “The heroin epidemic in Baltimore and the surrounding counties is unbelievable. We had twice as many overdoses as murders last year.”
“Oh, my God.” I lean forward and press my elbows to my knees. “That’s awful.”
“And what exactly does this have to do with the Stingers?” Caleb asks, sipping the coffee I poured for him. “Iris, what the hell is this? Since when do I take sugar in my coffee?” He shoves the cup at me. Some of it sloshes over the side, scalding my hand.
I gasp, wiping the wetness away on my jeans and rubbing at the tender spot.
“I’m sorry, babe.” He looks concerned for half a second. “If you could bring me a coffee the way I take it, I’d really appreciate it.”
I glance at Sylvia before walking into the kitchen to get him a fresh cup. Our eyes meet briefly, hers wide with surprise, but she glances down at her purse right away. She’s as shocked as I am by Caleb’s inconsiderate behavior. This has been his MO since our argument about marriage a few weeks ago. Rude. Inconsiderate. Asshole. It seems to worsen by the day. His patience is thinner, and mine is nearly gone. The season is almost over, but I’m not sure we’ll last until then.
“Downtown?” Caleb is asking when I re-enter the living room. “Downtown Baltimore? Wow. I’m pretty sure I’m traveling around then.”