by Nancy Mehl
She stared at him for a moment. Finally she smiled. “It’s okay. Sometimes I don’t think either. We all make mistakes. Mama says that all the time.”
“Yes, I do,” I said quickly, attempting to keep my temper in check. “Now let’s go, young lady.”
I made her say good-night to Clay and took her upstairs to bed, still stinging over Clay’s words. He had no right to say something like that to Charity. Perhaps she was his child too, but he wasn’t raising her. I was. I intended to confront him when I went back downstairs.
After tucking Charity into bed, I said, “Honey, Clay hasn’t been around many little girls. He didn’t mean what he said. Some adults just don’t know how to talk to children.”
She sighed, as if dealing with grown-ups were the bane of her existence. “I know that, Mama. Grown-ups say really silly things sometimes. Like Grandpa.”
I smiled at her. “Yes, just like Grandpa. Do you still want to pray for him?”
She nodded solemnly. “Yes, and for Clay too.”
I found it ironic that we were praying for my father as well as for her father, even though Charity had no idea who Clay really was. Charity’s prayer was sweet and childlike. She simply asked God to help her grandpa to “not be sad anymore,” and to teach Clay “all about little girls.” By the time I returned to the dining room, Clay had cleared our table.
“You didn’t have to do that,” I said.
“Yes, I did.” He shook his head. “I’m so sorry, Lizzie. Guess I was channeling my dad. He used to talk to me that way all the time. It just popped out.” He gazed into my eyes. “Please forgive me. It won’t happen again.”
“All right, Clay. As long as you never make another comment like that to Charity. Even when she’s acting badly, I never call her bad.”
“You’re totally right. I wasn’t raised in a home that was very affirming or supportive. I’m so glad Charity is being brought up differently. You’re a wonderful mother, Lizzie.”
I shook my head. “I’m not sure about that, but I try. I love Charity with all my heart.”
“Am I forgiven?”
“Yes. As long as we understand each other about Charity.”
He held up his hands in a gesture of surrender. “You’re the boss. I’ll work at keeping my dad’s voice out of my head and his words out of my mouth.”
“Thanks.” The remnants of my previous anger melted away. If anyone understood the echoes of a parent’s disapproving words, it was me. “And thank you again for clearing the table. It was very thoughtful.”
He grinned. “After that great dinner? It was my pleasure.” He patted his flat stomach. “That’s the best meal I’ve had in a long, long time. I don’t cook, and neither does my mother. After Dad died, she decided she’d fixed all the meals she was going to.”
“Well, I can’t blame her. I guess when you’re alone it’s a relief not having to cook anymore.”
“I guess so, but sometimes I wish she’d venture into the kitchen again for me. Even on holidays we go out to restaurants. I miss the family dinners we used to have.”
“You still have other family, don’t you, Clay? I remember that there were some aunts and uncles.”
He sighed and shook his head. “After my father died, Mom cut everyone off. She’s become something of a hermit. It’s obvious she’s really hurting, Lizzie. She keeps it all inside, but she’s different than she used to be. Kinder but sadder. I’ve tried my best to make her happy. Unfortunately, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m just not enough. As hard a man as my dad was, she loved him. And I think she counted on him too.” He shrugged. “Maybe having security was even more important to her than love. I don’t know.”
I reached over and touched his arm. “I’m sorry, Clay. I really am.”
He put his hand over mine. “Thank you. I really appreciate that. My parents weren’t kind to you, Lizzie. Wish I’d known what was going on at the time. When my mother finally told me about their offer, I was absolutely horrified.”
“I . . . I assumed they were acting for you,” I said softly. “I had no idea. . . .”
He let go of my hand and picked up his coffee cup. “I know I didn’t handle things the right way, but I must say I’m still surprised you could believe that. I thought you knew me better. In fact, I thought you loved me. Was I wrong?”
I shook my head. “No, you weren’t wrong. But after your parents tried to pay me to have an abortion and I didn’t hear a word from you, I assumed it had all been an act.”
“So I could get what I wanted?”
I stared down at the table, too embarrassed to look at him. I could only nod.
Clay let out a deep breath. “I guess I can see why you came to that conclusion. After you got pregnant, I disappeared. I sure wish you would have had more faith in me, though.”
“I do too, Clay. I wasn’t a very secure person. My father—”
“I know. He didn’t treat you very well, did he?”
“No. Maybe I judged you by his standards. I can see now what a big mistake that was.”
He waved a hand in the air. “Don’t apologize to me. The truth is, none of it was your fault. I took advantage of you and caused the entire mess. It shouldn’t have happened.”
“You’re right. It shouldn’t have happened, but I’m certainly glad to have Charity. So something good came out of it.”
He smiled. “She’s beautiful, Lizzie. You’ve done a wonderful job with her. I’m sure it hasn’t been easy raising her alone.”
“It hasn’t, but being her mother is the most important thing in my life. She’s given me so much joy. I don’t know what I’d do without her.”
He sipped his coffee and then put the cup down. “You never did tell me why you came back to Kingdom. I was certainly surprised to find out you were here.”
I hesitated. Should I tell him the truth? I looked into his face and saw something there that made me remember how I used to feel about him. How much I’d loved him. Slowly but surely the entire story tumbled out. About the threatening notes, the man in the red cap, Reba, running from Kansas City to Kingdom. Everything. Even things I hadn’t told my mother. When I finished, I felt better, as if sharing my burden had cleansed me, but I was also a little terrified of having made myself so vulnerable.
“Oh, Lizzie,” Clay said, reaching out for my hand. “I hate to think of you going through all of this by yourself. What can I do?”
“There’s nothing anyone can do. I’ve put it in God’s hands. I didn’t take that money, and I had nothing to do with that man’s death. God will have to defend me, I guess. I plan to raise my daughter and not worry about what might happen next.”
He smiled and squeezed my hand. “I think that’s the best thing you can do. I’m proud of you.” He frowned as he stared at our hands, fingers intertwined. “My father had business partners in Kansas City. Some of them have good connections into the political goings-on there. Would you let me ask them to find out what’s happening in regard to these trumped-up charges?”
“I want to know what’s going on, Clay, I really do. But what if their inquiry leads back here? I haven’t decided what I want to do about this situation yet.”
“Nothing will go wrong, Lizzie. Trust me. These are the kind of people who wouldn’t do anything to put you in danger. They’re very discreet. Long-term friends of the family.”
I mulled it over. Not knowing was almost worse than the original threat. If the charges had been dropped, Charity and I would be free. I decided the chance was worth taking. “Okay,” I said slowly. “But please tell them to be very careful.”
“I will. Don’t worry.”
Clay pulled my hand up and kissed it lightly. “If I’d been with you, none of this would have happened. You wouldn’t have had to run away. I’m to blame for everything.”
“No,” I said firmly. “You’re not. I see that now.” I shook my head. “Since coming back here, I’ve realized a lot of things. My father planted a seed of insecurity
in me that gave me a wrong view of my life, and of so many people. Maybe I had no way to know what was going on with you, but I immediately jumped to the wrong conclusion when you moved away. If I’d been a little more self-confident, I probably would have tried to contact you for an explanation. Instead, I just assumed the worst. That you didn’t care.”
He stroked my arm lightly, causing goose bumps to pop out all over my skin. “You made a very logical conclusion, Lizzie. Frankly, we both made mistakes. After we buried my father, I should have come back here in person, not relied on letters as a way of contact. My mother might have wanted me by her side, but she would have been all right for a week or two. I put her above us. Above you. Above my daughter. And that was wrong.” He blinked back tears. “I’ve missed out on so much. I’ll never get those years back.”
“Maybe we both need to stop blaming ourselves,” I said gently. “Isn’t it time to move on?”
He took both my hands in his. As I looked into his eyes, I had the strange sensation of falling off a cliff. The emotions I once felt for him flooded back.
“Lizzie, I know this will seem sudden, but it isn’t. Not really. I want what we should have had all this time. I want you to marry me and come back to Seattle. I’m serious about Dad’s business. In a few years I’ll be in charge, and we’ll have everything we could ever want. Charity will be able to go to the best schools. The best college. And you’ll both be safe. No more running. No more worrying about money. Let me take care of you, Lizzie. Let me love you the way I should have six years ago. I’ll make you happy. You have my word.”
The sincerity in his face made me believe it was possible, but I was so taken aback by his proposal, I couldn’t come up with an answer. This is what I’d always wanted. To give Charity her father. Wasn’t this the reason God brought me back to Kingdom? I wanted to say yes, but feelings for Noah gripped my heart and stopped me from being able to give Clay the answer he wanted.
“I . . . I don’t know, Clay. It sounds so amazing, but will you let me think about it?”
He kissed my hand again. “Of course. Maybe my offer took you by surprise, but it really shouldn’t. Haven’t we both always known that we were meant to be together? We’re simply righting a long-standing wrong. Doesn’t that make sense to you?”
I nodded. “It makes complete sense. I feel the same way. I’m just confused . . .”
“I understand. There’s no pressure. I want you to be sure. Sure of us. Sure of me.”
I smiled at him. “I never stopped loving you.”
He grinned. “I fell in love with you the first time I saw you. Did I ever tell you that? When your father pulled you out of school, I was heartbroken. That’s why I begged to take over the delivery route to Kingdom back when Cora was buying her supplies through our family store.”
I laughed. “When I found out you were delivering on Thursdays, I always found a way to be in town so I could see you. Thursdays were my favorite days. I couldn’t wait until that old delivery van drove into town.”
“You know what? You’re even more beautiful now, Lizzie. I still see the girl in you, but there’s a woman in your eyes as well. And I love them both.”
I could feel that same pull that had led me down the wrong path years ago, so I gently dislodged my hands from his. “It’s getting late, Clay. I’ve got to get some sleep. Tomorrow morning will be here very early.”
He looked at his watch. “Yikes. You’re right. Sorry.”
“That’s okay. When Cora gets back, I’ll take a few days off. Maybe you could spend some time with Charity and me? We could go into Washington for lunch.”
He chuckled. “Manhattan’s larger than Washington and only an hour and a half away. They have all kinds of restaurants and a very nice mall. I’ll bet they’re decorated for Christmas. Maybe we could even take Charity to see Santa Claus.”
“That would make her so happy, Clay.”
“Then it’s a date.” He put on his coat and pulled on his hat and gloves. “Walk me to the door?”
I got up, linked my arm through his, and we strolled together to the front entrance.
“This has been a wonderful evening,” I said.
“The best night of my life.” He leaned down and kissed me softly. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“You have Cora’s number?”
He nodded. “Got it the first day I came here. I had no intention of letting you get away from me again.”
He kissed me once more and then walked out the door. I watched as he got in his car and drove away. Then I turned off the light and stood in the darkness. “Oh, God, this is all I ever wanted. To have a family. A father for Charity. Why can’t I just jump in with both feet and take this wonderful gift you’ve given me? Am I afraid of being hurt again? Please help me. Show me what to do.”
I picked up the vase of roses Clay had given me and began to climb the stairs. A face filled my mind. It should have been Clay’s, but it wasn’t. It was Noah’s, and there was a sadness in his deep green eyes that echoed the ache in my heart.
CHAPTER / 21
Wednesday morning was busy. An odd-looking sky caused me to turn on the old battery-operated radio Cora kept in the kitchen. Another major storm was headed our way, and this one had the potential to be much more serious than the smaller storm that had passed through over the weekend. The predicted snow totals were significant. I couldn’t be sure just why that brought so many people into the restaurant, but I suspected they were worried they’d be snowed in for a while. Getting one last chance to see their friends before the storm hit was too inviting to pass up.
A few customers asked about buying extra supplies from me. I had no idea what to do about their requests. Avery heard me talking to one old farmer who lived alone about a mile out of town and wanted to purchase some eggs and milk. Avery called me over to his table after we finished our conversation.
“Cora gives folks whatever they need during emergencies if she’s got it,” he said. “And they always pay her back. But don’t put yourself at risk. Be sure you have what you need.”
“I know we get a lot of storms out here,” I said, “but snow doesn’t necessarily mean everyone will be trapped inside.”
“You lived in town when we had big storms. You’ll find it’s mostly the single farmers who need help. Most of ’em don’t can fruits and vegetables for the hard winter months while lots of the womenfolk do. And gettin’ stuck out in the country is a bit different than it is in town. We can all help each other get around, and our horses can be ridden without a buggy through pretty deep drifts. But living miles out of Kingdom with no one nearby can get pretty scary.”
“Now that you mention it, I do recall Mother and Father taking food to folks who lived a ways out after particularly bad snowstorms. Can’t imagine why I forgot about that.”
“Your folks have always been right good about takin’ care of their neighbors. Your mama puts up tomatoes, peaches, beans, and jams every summer and fall. A lot of them jars are for her neighbors. Not just for her and your pa.”
I laughed. “Boy, I sure remember how hot the kitchen got when she was canning. I’d leave the house and walk to the creek, just trying to cool off.”
“My wife did the same thing. The house was so steamy I never could figure out how she managed not to faint dead away.” I could hear the sadness in his voice when he mentioned her.
“Hey, thanks for letting me know what to do about the supplies. You’ve been such a blessing to me and Charity. We love the furniture you gave us. If you ever want it back . . .”
He shook his head with vigor. “Ain’t no reason for stuff to sit around gatherin’ dust. Berlene has a new life far from here. She don’t need it anymore. I’m grateful it’s bein’ used.” His face, creased by years of working in the sun, wrinkled in a rare smile. “It does me good to see you and your little girl makin’ a life here. Sometimes I kinda pretend you’re my Berlene.”
I smiled at him, touched by his heartfelt sentiment. “Yo
u know, I really haven’t properly thanked you for that furniture. Why don’t you come over for a late dinner one of these nights after the restaurant closes? I’ll ask Ruth and Myra too. I know they’d love to spend some time with you, and I would too.”
The old man nodded slowly. “I’d really like that, Elizabeth. I’d like that very much. Lately I’ve been spendin’ way too much time alone. It would be real nice to sit down and share a meal with good people. Thank you.”
“I look forward to it, Avery. I’ll figure out a night that will work and get back to you.”
He didn’t respond, but I was happy my invitation pleased him. I just wished I’d thought of it sooner. On the way back to the kitchen, I began to understand that this restaurant really was more than just a place to eat. I thought back to something Cora had said when she’d petitioned my father all those years ago. She’d said the restaurant would be a ministry. A place that felt like home. And that’s what it was. Although it had crept up on me slowly, I realized my job was starting to become important to me. And not just because it provided for Charity and me. It mattered. It gave people a place to belong. And no one knew more than I how vital that was.
I was filling up another pot of coffee when the sound of a bell startled me, almost causing me to drop the carafe on the floor. What in the world was that? I whirled around and realized it was Cora’s phone. It was the first time I’d heard it ring. I grabbed the receiver.
“Hello?”
Cora’s voice came over the line. “Is that you, Lizzie?”
“Yes, it’s me, Cora. How are you? How’s your sister?”
“Well, that’s just it, honey,” she said. “She’s not good. Not good at all.”
“I’m so sorry. I’ve been praying for her.”
“Thank you, Lizzie. That’s probably what’s keepin’ her goin’. How are things goin’ back there?”
I gave her a quick rundown of the past several days, assuring her that everything was fine. Since I had her on the phone, I confirmed Avery’s information about sharing kitchen supplies with Kingdom residents.