by Jan Tilley
Travis walked over and plopped down on the bench. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I was headed out to see you and I saw the cop drive up.” Travis’s leg began to shake like crazy. “Freaked me out, man. I couldn’t imagine what you two were chatting about in there. I thought maybe you were turning me in.”
Malachi shook his head in confusion. “Turn you in for what?” He grinned, trying to play dumb and then reached over and patted Travis’s knee. “I didn’t see you pull up. Where’s your car?”
The touch on his leg made Travis keenly aware of his twitch. He stared at Malachi’s stubby index finger and shook the hair from his face. “Don’t have one. I walked.”
“Wow, that’s quite a walk. I could have come and picked you up.” Malachi was seriously concerned about Travis. He looked thin and tired. His eyes were sunken with dark circles under them.
“It’s not too bad. Took me about an hour. I cut through the woods at Miller’s pass and followed the creek. It’s a nice day for a walk. Plus, I wanted to get these to you.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out half a dozen amulets. Twisted crosses, and medallions with detailed carvings.
Malachi took the wooden pieces and smiled. He laid them on his lap and pulled out his reading glasses. Inspecting them closely, he turned to Travis and said, “You definitely have a gift. It’s absolutely amazing how much detail you’re able to create.”
Travis nervously played with his tongue piercing. “They’re okay. It gives me something to do at night.”
Malachi took off his glasses and shoved them back into his chest pocket. “Why at night? Not sleeping well?”
Travis’s leg began to jump again. He was aware of it and sighed, angry with himself that he couldn’t control it. “No. Nighttime sucks.”
Malachi nodded and placed a firm hand on Travis’s shoulder. “I know what you mean, son. I’m not getting much sleep either.”
Travis’s eyes darted to Malachi’s. He realized that someone else did know exactly how he felt. He was connected to Malachi in a way that he couldn’t describe. Even though they were linked together by this one terrible tragedy, there was something else, something much deeper.
“I don’t think I can do it.”
Malachi’s eyes pierced straight into Travis. “Do what, son?”
He looked down at the ground, feeling anxious and sick to his stomach. “I can’t keep up the lie.”
“What choice do we have, Travis?” Malachi wasn’t sure where the kid was headed with his statement.
Travis shrugged his shoulders and looked away. “I was thinking that maybe I’d feel better if I told the truth?”
“What purpose would that serve? It can’t bring Junior back.”
Looking at Malachi, he squirmed uncomfortably in his seat. “It might make me feel better.”
Malachi shook his head and looked at him intently. “I don’t think prison is going to make you feel any better.” Taking a deep breath, he looked into Travis’s wounded eyes. “Let me tell you something, Travis. I don’t know if it will help you or not, but I do know how you feel.” He looked away and took a moment to carefully choose his words.
“I suffered terribly after my wife and son were killed. Honestly, I didn’t think that I’d ever get over it. They were my entire life and then in one split instant, they were ripped from me. I was left behind to pick up the shattered pieces. Everyone would tell me, ‘This too shall pass, Malachi.’ But I didn’t want it to pass. I wanted them back. It just wasn’t fair.”
Malachi was lost in his own painful memories. He stared at the woods. “I took off. I went up to Silver Creek Ridge and lost myself. I didn’t care if I ever came back. I drank myself numb and willed my body to die. I begged to die.”
Travis nervously twitched his leg and brushed the hair from his eyes. He wanted to see and feel everything that Malachi was saying to him. He could relate, and knew exactly how Malachi felt. That feeling of desperation; when you’ve reached the bottom and the climb back up seems overwhelming. When it would be easier to just lie down and give up. When you feel like everyone else has already given up on you and you might as well do the same. Travis knew that feeling all too well.
Malachi stopped, lost in his thoughts. “Nothing mattered anymore. Nothing.” Staring straight ahead, he appeared to be in a trance. “I tried to kill myself, Travis. I got good and drunk, took a knife and slashed my wrists.” Pulling up his sleeves, he exposed old scars across his arms. He looked Travis in the eye and boldly stated, “It felt good.”
With a disgusted sigh, he shook his head and pulled his sleeves back down. “But, I couldn’t even do that right. I woke up the next morning, with blood everywhere and a horrible hangover. I was a failure at everything I attempted.” He thought for a moment. “The vision that kept me from continuing and doing it again, was the image of my mama having to find my body. As I cleaned up the blood, I imagined that it was her having to do it. I could see the pain that it would cause her and I didn’t want to put her through that. She loved my wife and son and was grieving just like I was. How could I do that to her?” He shook his head. “I couldn’t. I didn’t want to add any more pain and suffering to anyone’s life. Even though I didn’t care about myself, I did care deeply about my mama.”
A solemn look came across Malachi’s face. He looked into Travis’s eyes, as he hung on his every word. “That’s when I began cutting. There was something about a small slash to the flesh. It seemed to release all the pain and anger that I was feeling on the inside of my body. Some days the anguish on the inside was so strong that I wanted to cut it right out of me. The pain felt good. I only did it a few times, when it got real bad. So bad that I couldn’t stand it anymore.” Lifting his shirt, he exposed several small scars on his stomach.
With a heavy sigh, he lowered his shirt and continued, “After a while, the inner torment subsided and I didn’t feel as bad. The desire to cut slowly left my conscious mind until I didn’t have the urges at all. I stopped and haven’t done it in thirty or more years. But, I do believe it’s what kept me alive through the dark period.”
Travis rubbed his face; not quite believing what he was hearing or seeing.
Malachi could see how uncomfortable he was. “Travis, I’m not in any way, shape or form saying that you should cut yourself. That’s not why I told you all that. I’m just sharing with you what got me through the darkness. Everyone has their own thing. Some people write, some drink, some folks dance naked and howl at the moon, and some carve beautiful amulets. Everyone has their own way of dealing with pain.”
Travis nodded. “I get it. I’m sorry that you went through all that.”
A grin crept up on Malachi’s face. With everything that Travis was going through, he was still worried about someone else. He really was a good kid, deep down. Malachi patted Travis on the back. “I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. All in all, I’ve had a pretty amazing life. I just wanted you to know that I understand what you’re going through. I might be an old fart, but I’ve seen my share of living; the good and the bad. Son, it will get better, I promise.” He slapped the knees of his worn blue jeans and smiled. “You know what you need? I think that you need a job. Something to occupy your mind and time.”
Travis laughed. “Oh, please. No one would hire me. I don’t even have a car.”
Malachi rubbed his chin with his stumpy-fingered hand. “I sure could use some help around here. I’ve been contemplating hiring someone for quite a while now, but I never found anyone that I could trust, until now.” Smiling at Travis, he said, “Would you be interested?”
Travis sat up straight, like he was at a real job interview. “I don’t know. I’d have to get someone to bring me out.”
Malachi waved his hand and scowled. “Nonsense, I’ll come and get you. Maybe two or three days a week after school and Saturdays if you’re free. That’s our busy day.”
A crooked smile lit up Travis’s face. “Yeah, that’d be awesome.”
“I can’t p
ay you a whole lot, but a little is better than nothing at all I guess. Is minimum wage okay?”
Surprised, Travis chimed in, “Heck, yeah. I’m in. When can I start?”
Malachi slapped his knees. “How about right now? We need to clean up that parking lot and the front windows are in desperate need of a good scrubbing.”
Travis jumped up to his feet. Surprised by his own feelings, he was actually excited to start his new job.
Malachi grabbed a bucket and filled it with soapy water and a sponge. “Here, Travis. Why don’t you start with the windows outside and I’ll pick up some of this nasty litter.”
He watched as the kid anxiously began working, while he picked up gum wrappers and cigarette butts from the parking lot. Malachi couldn’t get over how much Travis had changed and in just a short period of time. He was dark and moody with problems at home and at school. Malachi was more than happy to have him around and maybe this way he could keep an eye on him and help him out in some small way. Even though Malachi really wasn’t looking to hire someone for the store, he felt that he owed it to the kid. He had to help him through this and even if it meant tapping into his savings to do so, it was worth it to him.
After a productive afternoon, Malachi fed Travis a sandwich for dinner and gave him a ride home in Rosie. The kid was smiling again. Maybe he’d turned a corner. He seemed happy to have a purpose. Malachi made plans to pick him up Saturday morning at eight A.M.
The entire drive home, Malachi questioned himself. Had he done the right thing telling Travis about Mera and Lukas? And then going on to share with him about his cutting? Maybe he’d gone too far. He knew that it honestly was the one thing that had saved his life. Surely, he would have killed himself without it, the pain was that severe. Even though he was being truthful, it kept him up at night, worrying if Travis would start cutting himself as well.
He would wake up in a cold sweat from nightmares about Travis. His young friend would be walking towards him in the shadows of darkness. He would stumble into the flickering light, covered in blood and reaching out to Malachi, pleading with him, “Please, help me. I think I cut myself too deep. I can’t stop the bleeding.”
Malachi would rush to him, just as he collapsed into his arms. Travis would look up at him with those sad, brown eyes and say, “Why did you tell me to do this? I think I’ll die now.” And then he would close his eyes and drift off, leaving Malachi cradling him in his arms, crying for yet another loss in his life.
Even though it was only a dream, it felt so real. Malachi would awaken with his heart racing, drenched in sweat. He would hold his head in his hands while tears trailed down his cheeks and repeat to himself, “It was just a bad dream. It was only a dream.”
Many a night Malachi sat at his kitchen table, drinking hot tea into the wee hours, angry at himself and whispering, “That was a fool-hearted thing to do. Why did you go and put ideas like that in the kid’s head? Sometimes this honesty pledge is for the birds. Wish I knew when to keep my big mouth shut. If anything happens to Travis, it will be all my fault.”
Eleven
Malachi picked Travis up for work early Saturday morning. He’d never realized how much there was to do at the store and what a blessing it was to have his young helper there with him.
Travis was thriving and appeared to take his job very seriously. It gave him a reason to get out of bed in the morning and get away from that dreadful apartment building and those bad-seed friends of his. He gladly assisted the customers and helped Malachi in every aspect of running the store.
On the slower days, when there were very few customers, Travis scraped the peeling paint from the exterior of the old mill. He took it upon himself one day, grabbing tools from the shed and getting started on the task. He even brought paint samples to Malachi, so that they could choose the perfect color to apply after it was scraped and primed. The smile was back on Travis’s face and he seemed genuinely happy. This made Malachi extremely proud.
The part-time job, several days a week turned into every day, every chance that Travis got. He loved being out at the old mill with Malachi and spent most of his time there. Many times, he would just stay the night and Malachi would run him in to school the next morning. They understood each other like no one else did. There was a special bond between them that grew stronger every day.
Malachi took Travis under his wing, and really did feel that he was like a son to him. He loved having the kid with him. Even though Malachi didn’t understand Travis’s homework, he made sure that it got done every night. They’d eat meals together and watch television shows at night. Malachi loved the company. The one thing that got under Travis’s skin was watching The Lawrence Welk Show. But he did it anyway and the two had a lot of fun together. Malachi loved seeing things from his young friend’s perspective. Most nights he would chuckle while falling asleep over something that Travis had said or done.
Malachi was more active fixing up the store with Travis than he’d been in years, but felt his age creeping up on him. Late one night, he crawled out of bed, unable to sleep. In the darkness, he tripped over his own shoes and fell to the ground. He tried to catch himself as his aging body crashed to the hardwood floor. All he wound up doing was injuring his left wrist. The ice pack didn’t seem to be of much help. By the time Travis saw him the next morning, it was swollen and incredibly sore.
Travis took right over. He wrapped Malachi’s wrist tightly with an ace bandage, followed up with ice packs every hour for ten minutes to keep the swelling down. Every four hours, he was at the cupboard grabbing two more ibuprofen to keep Malachi’s pain at bay.
It wasn’t horribly painful, but it was refreshing to have someone take care of him for a change. Travis enjoyed the reversal of roles and delighted in tending to his friend’s needs. Malachi’s lips would curl into a smile every time Travis left the room. He was comforted by the assistance and rested for most of the day. Travis even insisted on spending the night so that he could be close if Malachi needed anything.
Travis proudly said, “No charge, Malachi. I’m off the clock. I want to stay. You pay me too much anyway.” He cooked a doctored up frozen pizza for dinner, which was actually very good. For most of his life, Travis had felt like a waste. But it was different at the mill. Malachi treated him like he was special, like he was important and really mattered to someone.
Malachi went to bed with a smile on his face and surprisingly, slept through the night. When he woke in the morning, he placed the kettle on the stove and looked at a picture on the refrigerator. It was a small photograph of Mera and Lukas, probably the last one taken of them. As he stared into their eyes, he was met with a hollow feeling and asked himself. What will happen after I’m gone? This old mill had been in his family for generations. He had no heir to entrust his legacy to. He was overwhelmed with feelings that he was letting his ancestors down. After his death, the mill would be auctioned off to the highest bidder and turned into some hippie house or worse yet, torn down.
As he poured the streaming hot water into the mug, he thought about Travis. The kid was doing a great job helping out around the mill. Would it be possible that he might consider taking over the old place? Unless he made a major life change, Malachi didn’t see the kid going off to college. Not that it wasn’t possible if he really applied himself, but it wasn’t probable. What would his future hold? This might work out for both of them.
Travis joined him in the kitchen half an hour later. Malachi was on his second cup of tea. “Good morning, sleepy head,” he said with a smile.
Patting down his wild hair, Travis grinned. “Morning, Malachi. Sorry I slept so late. I was gonna get up and fix you breakfast. I guess I’m not much of a morning person.”
“It’s all good. Let’s make some food now. Are you hungry?”
He rubbed the sleepers from his eyes and nodded. “I’m starved as usual.”
“Do you want to cook the bacon or the eggs?”
“I’d better do the bacon. I’ll just
break the eggs,” he said, shaking his head. “Hey, how’s your hand feeling today?”
Malachi winked at him. “Grand and dandy.”
Travis scrunched up his face. “Hey, that’s my line.”
“I know and it’s a keeper!”
Travis nodded and grinned. “It’s all good, Stumpy.”
Malachi burst out laughing. He was amazed how well they knew each other and it only reaffirmed his thoughts. Travis was a good kid who just needed a helping hand from someone who cared about him. Some guidance and purpose would do wonders for the kid. He’d made up his mind.
As they prepared their feast, Malachi poked around, asking about Travis’s future plans. “Where do you see yourself in five or even ten years from now?”
Travis shook the hair from his eyes and thought for a moment. “I really don’t know. I’m kinda just along for the ride.”
“Do you think you might want to go to college?”
Laughing, he shook his head. “Yeah, no. With my grades, that’s not happening. Plus, we don’t have that kind of cash lying around.”
“There are other ways. You can get scholarships, or even take loans that you can repay after graduation.”
Travis’s face went blank and he looked lost. “I don’t think they’d take me, plus I wouldn’t really want to go. I don’t like school all that much and I haven’t found a career I would enjoy. Unless they have a school for carving amulets,” he said with a smile. He threw some more bacon into the skillet and sighed, confused about his own future.
Malachi nodded. “Okay, well then that brings us to a different subject.” As the pot on the stove began to boil, he asked, “Are three minute eggs okay?”
Nodding, Travis replied, “Oh, yeah. I’ll eat anything.”
Adding the eggs to the boiling water, Malachi set the timer and stared at Travis.