by R Davison
Susan cut him off again and waved her arm around the module. “Kibo is set up to become a self-sustaining habitat,” she said. “They have all the equipment here to do it. It was to be a test bed for long-term space flight, a flight to Mars.” Ivan followed her gesture, looked about the almost empty compartment and shook his head.
“I do not see any equipment for this—habitat!” Ivan retorted. He did see that the computer display had the countdown timer showing and noted that they had ten minutes and thirty-five seconds left.
“It has to be set up. All the equipment is on board in the Leonardo module, I have already checked,” she responded, trying to be reassuring.
“Susan, that is an experiment! There is no guarantee that it will work. If it fails, you have no hope of rescue!” Ivan could feel his heart pounding in his chest and his face flush. He was caught with his guard down and had no contingency plan for this. He knew that they would not finish this discussion in time to make the first departure window. His experience with the military, in space and with NASA training told him that they should take advantage of their first opportunity to leave the station and not wait until the last chance in case something goes wrong. They would need that extra time to try to fix any problems that might occur. “Susan, this is nonsense! Come, we do not have much time, we need to get to the CRV.”
The intercom crackled to life with Paul’s voice. “Ivan, Susan, we have less than ten minutes to depart the station, are you ready?” Ivan looked at Susan with pleading eyes but she held fast and slowly shook her head “no”.
Paul’s voice broke the silent standoff. “Ivan, Susan, do you copy? We have to get going now if we are to leave by the first window!”
Ivan moved over to the intercom. “Paul, we have a problem here,” he said. “You and the others meet me at the CRV. I will be there shortly.” Paul’s response barely squeaked out of the speaker before Ivan shut off the intercom, cutting him off.
Susan moved forward toward Ivan. “Ivan, you have to go. You and the others have to leave now. You can’t afford—”
Ivan interrupted Susan as he pushed off from the bulkhead where the intercom was and moved closer to her. “We can not leave you here…I can not leave you here! Do you not understand that?” he said gently.
“Ivan, you have to leave me here, it is what I want. I can’t—”
Susan was within arms reach and Ivan grabbed her and pulled her close to him. Holding her tightly, they floated very slowly across the module and Ivan whispered quietly, “Susan, I love you!…I can not leave you here, by yourself, and return to Earth alone.” Slowly, reluctantly, Susan’s arms rose to embrace Ivan and she pulled him close. “Come with me, to Russia. We will be okay there,” Ivan said softly, as he put out his hand to cushion their collision with the wall.
Susan’s mind was racing a mile a minute now! Ivan had never told her how he felt. He was much too disciplined to allow his personal feelings to cloud their professional relationship. Deep down she knew, or at least she felt, there was so much more beneath that polished exterior of their professional relationship, but she never allowed herself to explore it—the time was never right.
Susan felt that the time now was even more wrong. She wasn’t in any position to let herself go with her emotions with all that had happened in the last few days. Susan was feeling very vulnerable, and it was taking every bit of strength she had to resist the urge just to surrender to those feelings, and to Ivan.
Why now? She anguished in silence, as she squeezed Ivan tighter. Why couldn’t this have happened on Earth weeks ago, or months ago? The thought of returning to Earth just filled her with dread. She knew that she would not be very good company to anyone she was with if she went back. Knowing herself, and how she was feeling now, she had no other choice. I can’t allow this to happen now! She thought. I can’t even show Ivan that I love him, too. It would not be fair to him to give him such encouragement and then just push him away.
Her mind raced on, her emotional side arguing with her logical side. It feels so good being with him, close to him. Susan wrestled with these thoughts and finally decided that she could not allow herself to acknowledge or reciprocate Ivan’s feelings.
“Oh, Ivan, I can’t,” she said. “You have a life in Russia, a family and friends who have been there for you for your entire life. I can’t just drop in with you. I would be more of a burden to you and your family. I would be another person to look out for if things get worse, and that is something you don’t need. No, I can’t allow you to do that. I can’t do that.”
Ivan pulled back and looked intensely into Susan’s eyes, “Nonsense! You would not be a burden and everyone would be delighted to have you. Please, come with me.”
Susan closed her eyes wishing that this were not happening, at least not now, not here. She was perfectly content with her decision to stay, but Ivan’s confession threw her into quite a quandary. To complicate matters, time was rapidly slipping by, and she had no desire to impede the departure of the rest of the crew. Glancing at the display, the countdown timer showed three minutes and ten seconds. Barely enough time to get in the CRV, she thought.
“Ivan, no! You must go. There is no time to debate this. I will be fine. I will, I promise!” She tried to pull away from Ivan, but he held her tighter.
“Then I will stay here with you,” Ivan said, softly but firmly.
Susan pulled back with a surprised look and gazed deep into Ivan’s dark eyes, wanting so much to surrender to him. Her head took control over her heart, and she knew she couldn’t agree to his offer. “No! You can’t do that! Ivan, listen, please! You have a life waiting for you down there. I do not. Don’t you understand that? You have people who love you, and care for you, and are waiting for you to return. I don’t—”
“You will have me,” Ivan interjected.
“No, Ivan, I can’t do that. You don’t know what you are getting yourself into. Who knows what the future is going to bring. You will be better off facing that with your family. You must go. Please…please understand that I…” Susan fought with herself not to let the words escape, but she was too weak and too tired at this time and they flowed from her in a whisper, “…I love you too, Ivan, and I would not be able to live with myself if I knew that I was the reason for you never seeing your family again!” Ivan didn’t answer but looked deep into her teary brown eyes, pulled her close and kissed her lips softly.
Time slowed, and for an instant all their problems, urgencies, troubles and fears were now very, very far away. Their universe consisted of two fragile bodies clinging together as one, lips melding, warm breath from one sustaining the other. Susan’s mind was spinning from the emotions that had been repressed for so long. Ivan felt Susan’s tense body relax as he gently stroked her hair and let one kiss flow into another. Their moment, which seemed a blissful eternity, was suddenly shattered as a squeak escaped from the hinges on the module’s hatch, announcing that someone was coming in.
Quickly separating, Ivan turned to the computer display and watched the countdown time intently while Susan gazed out of the porthole, as if deep in thought. “I take it we aren’t boarding the CRV?” Paul asked in a puzzled voice. They turned to see Paul’s face looking in with Jerry, Alexander and Nicholas peering over his shoulder.
Ivan gave Susan a long intense stare and then turned to Paul. “Susan is not coming with us,” he said dejectedly.
Paul squinted his eyes in confusion as he looked toward Susan for an explanation, which did not come, and then back to Ivan. “What are you saying, she’s not coming?”
Jerry piped up. “If she doesn’t want to go back, then fine, let’s get going! We’re running out of time!”
“SHUT UP, JERRY!” Paul and Ivan shouted in unison, causing Jerry to immediately retreat.
Pointing toward the timer on the display, Ivan said, “It does not really matter now, we have less than a minute to get to the CRV, and that is not enough time to secure it for launch. We will now have to wait for t
he next window.”
Jerry pushed into the compartment, “Damn you, Susan—” But that was all he got out before Alexander’s meaty hand reached in, grabbed Jerry by the collar and jerked him out of the compartment. “We will keep Jerry quiet while you talk,” Nicholas said, as he pulled the hatch closed muffling Jerry’s yelps of protest.
Paul moved in closer to Ivan and Susan and spoke in a quiet voice, “I had a feeling this was the problem. Susan, I was wrong when I said I would be better off staying here. I know how you feel, I was there not six hours ago, but you must remember that you can still be an important part of what goes on down there. With your skills and knowledge there will be plenty for you to do and you will make a difference for many people who might not have a chance if you stay here. Remember what you said to me in the cupola not too long ago? Think about that. You gave me a reason to go back, it is the same reason why you should return.”
“Yes, Paul, I remember what I said. But, at that time I was not aware of this aeroponics experiment. You had no chance for survival once the current supplies ran out, but I will be able to extend those ten or twenty times as long, or more. I am not giving up, I am fighting to survive on my terms under conditions of my choosing!”
Paul shook his head. “What experiment? He asked.
Ivan said, “It is like hydroponics, but using a different medium to nourish the plants.”
Paul looked at Ivan as he digested his description and then turned to Susan shaking his head. “Susan, you are not thinking clearly! You are counting on a hundred percent success in this experiment! You know that’s unrealistic! What happens if you only get a seventy percent yield, or twenty-five percent, or it fails altogether? Then you’re no better off than I would have been.” Ivan floated quietly to the side, looking from Susan to Paul and nodding his head in agreement with Paul. Susan didn’t answer Paul’s questions but contemplated them quietly.
Before Paul could continue with his case, or Susan could provide a rebuttal, the hatch swung open and Alexander and Nicholas floated in. They joined Ivan, Paul and Susan in silence and for the moment no one noticed the absence of Jerry as all eyes were trained on Susan waiting for her response.
“I don’t know,” she said. “I know this may not be the most logical decision, but I also know that I don’t want to go back to deal with what is left of our planet.” Susan tugged at the cuff of her suit and looked about the room, first at the walls and then at the faces looking back at her. Suddenly she realized that Jerry was not among them. Turning to Alexander, she asked where he was.
Alexander and Nicholas looked at each other and grinned. “Well, let me say that he is out of the way at the moment,” said Alexander.
Susan didn’t feel at ease with that bit of information and pressed the cosmonauts for a more definitive answer. “What exactly is, ‘out of the way’”?
Nicholas answered, “He is locked inside the module next to this one.” Quickly he added, “It was Alexander’s suggestion.” Alexander did not look too comfortable with this credit.
“The centrifuge?” Susan asked abruptly.
“No,” Alexander responded, looking at Nicholas for support. “It was not the centrifuge, it was the other one…I do not remember the name. Do you Nicholas?”
Susan interrupted before Nicholas could reply. “Leonardo? The MPLM?”
“Yes,” Nicholas replied, “it was the Italian name, Leonardo. Why?”
“Oh damn!” Susan shouted as she pushed past the two bewildered cosmonauts and shot out of the compartment. They looked to Ivan for an explanation, but were distracted by the crashing sound of a hatch being thrown open against its stops, and Susan yelling at Jerry to get out of the module.
“Hey,” Jerry yelled back. “It wasn’t my idea to get in here!”
“Just get out, now!” Susan shouted even louder.
“Alright, alright! I’m out!” Jerry floated out of the cargo module and kept his distance from Susan as he moved quickly toward Kibo’s open hatch.
Ivan, suppressing a smile, finally answered Nicholas’ question. “The equipment that Susan needs for the Kibo experiment is stored in the Multi-Purpose Logistics Module, the MPLM, or Leonardo.”
“Oh!” said Alexander and Nicholas together as their faces turned red, and they both stammered an apology, trying to explain that they did not mean any harm. Ivan reassured them that Susan would understand and would not take it personally. Still red-faced, they left together to personally apologize to Susan.
Susan carefully checked the inventory in the Leonardo module. Once she had ascertained that Jerry had not tinkered with the cargo, she left and headed to the cupola. She needed a few moments alone to think, and the cupola provided her a place to do that with a nice view of Earth. That may or may not be a good thing to look at now, she thought. It was all so clear to her not twenty minutes ago. She knew then that she wanted to stay on the station, but now things had gotten quite muddied with Ivan’s confession and Paul’s lecture.
Susan reminded herself that once the CRV left the station, the choice was permanent. Whether she was on it or not, she would be committed to that reality for the rest of her life. To make matters worse, she now had to deal with the emotional interference that her heart was creating for her. It was a lot easier when she didn’t know Ivan’s true feelings, she thought bitter-sweetly.
Settling in the cupola, she looked at the planet through the thick glass. They were again on the dark side of Earth, but shortly the station would experience another sunrise. She could see the fringes of the upper atmosphere of the planet glowing from the scattered sunlight. Susan tried to imagine that she was alone on the station, and this was her only contact with her home world. “How does it feel?” she asked herself aloud. Focusing on the dark ocean below, she tried to force the rest of the group out of her mind as if she had not seen them for months, but it was difficult.
She tried to imagine what her days would be like: Waking up and checking the station’s status, tending her garden in the Kibo module, having a breakfast of vegetables fresh off the vine, working on some experiment she had devised, writing extensively in her journal all that she felt, saw and did, for the benefit of some future astronaut. What about emergencies? What if you had to do an EVA to repair damage to the hull, or some system outside, would you be able to do that unassisted?
Susan worked hard to bring the image together of doing an unassisted EVA. The thought was scary, being alone and outside the station with no one there to help if you had a failure in your suit, or were to inadvertently separate from the station. She shuddered at the thought of floating forever in space as a small moonlet for the station. You could do it, she tried to convince herself; all it takes is preparation, planning, and very careful execution. You know the mechanics, you can learn the procedures, you can do this, she insisted to herself.
The sunrise was rapidly approaching and Susan anticipated the warmth she would feel when the sunlight flooded the cupola. She moved closer to the window and pushed herself to continue her analysis. What about the loneliness, does that scare you too? she questioned. Deep down, Susan knew that the reality of being alone was far different from anything she might be able to imagine. Total isolation, what kind of price tag is that going to carry? She wanted to fight her battle on her terms, with dignity and courage, but what if she were to go crazy from the loneliness and isolation? What dignity would she have then? Could she survive the loneliness? That was a very big unknown to Susan, and it shook her confidence to her very core. “Is it better to die from starvation on Earth or die a mad-woman in space?” she murmured aloud. Susan let her mind wander as she watched the sunbeams play through the atmosphere below the station.
Pressing on to an even more difficult topic she had to ask: What about Ivan? Susan thought about the kiss he gave her and caught herself smiling. Poor Ivan, she thought, he has always been there for me and has always made me feel good even when he wasn’t trying to. She thought about all the little things that happened betwe
en them in the years past and how she didn’t give them a second thought, until now. Now, those little things spoke volumes when she examined them in this new light. Ivan was nothing if not shy and bashful when it came to women, she acknowledged. The little things he did were his way of opening up the door for me to respond and invite him in. How stupid I was! she scolded herself. She looked at her reflection in the window and saw that she was smiling again. She also saw Alexander’s reflection behind hers and jumped.
Alexander quickly apologized for startling her, and added, “I was glad to see you smiling, you have not been doing much of that since I have met you.”
Susan could feel herself blush, not so much from what Alexander said, but for the reason she was smiling. She was not sure if anyone on the station knew how she and Ivan felt about each other. She hoped that Alexander didn’t notice her embarrassment, or hear her talking to herself.
Alexander looked past Susan’s reddened cheeks toward the planet below. “I have been in space for a long time, but I know that I will never tire of watching that magnificent globe spin below me,” he said. Susan turned to look at Earth, and they admired its natural beauty together in silence for a few moments.
“You know,” Susan said quietly, “I always knew that something like this could happen to our planet. But deep in the back of my mind, I always thought that there would be someone watching over us, observing us, to come to our rescue. Someone to push the killer asteroid out of the way. I don’t know who or what, maybe some alien species that would save us at the last moment, or maybe God.” She drew a deep breath, watched the planet below them revolve for a moment longer, then added, “I must have watched too much science fiction on TV when I was younger! This is reality!” Remembering Alexander’s comments before her musings, Susan quickly asked, “Did you find a lot of time to stare out of the window when you were on MIR?”
Alexander stifled a little chuckle. “Our ground controllers went out of their way to make sure that every waking moment was filled with useful things to do and looking out the viewport at Earth was not considered useful.” He added in a whisper, “But we always made time to check on Mother Earth!”