by Donn, KL
Crawling from her bed in the early hours of dawn was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Holding her gave me a sense of solace I didn’t realize I was missing. Pushing away her nightmares and providing her refuge gives me purpose. Something I’ve been told more than once in my life that I’m lacking.
Not anymore. Never again.
I have Farren, now. She needs me every bit as much as I need her, and I intend to work on convincing her of that.
I know she feels indebted towards me because I slayed her worst enemy. But it’s not the case, and I have my work cut out for me to make her realize that. I also know I’m going to have to convince her that it isn’t hero worship and anything else that she feels for me.
I recognized the relief on her face when I pulled up after seeing her fold into herself. She doesn’t want to be seen by the outside world, but I intend on seeing every part of her. Her heart, her soul. Her mind. By the time I’m done, she’ll never be able to hide from me again.
Pulling away from the school, I head home in the hopes my brothers have both vacated and gone home. I love them, but fuck are they annoying.
As soon as I pull into the driveway, my hopes are dashed, and I know I’ll have to answer the questions I tried to avoid previously. Once my engine shuts down, they’re both on the front step, smirks across their smug faces, and I have the urge to run them both over.
Stepping out of my car, I slam the door shut, telling them, “Shut the fuck up,” and bypass them as I walk up the steps and through the door. I can hear their whispering and laughing, and frustration eats at me. I don’t even know why.
“You two sound like a couple of school girls,” I say over my shoulder as I enter the kitchen, grabbing a coffee cup from the cupboard.
“Better a couple of school girls than a love-sick puppy.” Crew howls with laughter at his joke. The man doesn’t have a stable bone in his body, evidenced by his constant revolving door of women. I love my brother, but when he tells me I have no drive, I know it’s because he’s lost his passion.
I have to walk away from him before I show him just how much drive I have with my fist to his face. I can feel their eyes on my retreating back as I head towards the gym downstairs.
Before our father passed away, he made a lot of updates to the house where I currently reside. The gym being the biggest one. It proved to work well with three teenage sons bent on kicking the crap out of each other. Crew and I have always gone toe to toe with Cross coming between us.
I don’t know why I am the way I am. I obsess over things until I attain them, and Farren mostly certainly is an addiction. An obsessive one at that. It started gradually, a nice slow burn, then erupted into an inferno.
Stripping my shirt off, I toss it on the bench across the room and glove up to work out my frustrations on the punching bag. One that’s been replaced at least twice because of my overuse. My first hit reverberates up my arm and down my spine.
I’ve always had a slimmer build than my brothers. I look like a swimmer, but I’ve kept up with my workout routine in prison. It was all I had to do in there, aside from lay on my bed for hours on end and think of all the things I was missing.
The isolation didn’t bother me at first. Not really. I was used to solitude because of my brooding personality. After a few weeks of seclusion and lack of freedom, I got restless. I started fighting other inmates. I didn’t care what happened to me. I already had a fifteen-year sentence. Until that fucking article.
I saw Farren’s face, and mania punched me in the gut. I fixated on learning everything I could about her. She was no longer my shy neighbor. She wasn’t the abused girl I had rescued.
She was my passion.
My pain.
My everything.
In that moment, I became Crux Malcolm, man obsessed.
Everything I do, have done, and have yet to do will be with her in mind. Little Ren Hallewell is going to belong to me.
The sooner, the better.
Sweat drips down my back as the bag swings back and forth. The force from each hit makes the hooks groan before I land one so hard it flies off, taking bits of plaster with it and landing with a thud two feet from me.
“Shit,” Crew mutters from behind. Exertion from the blows makes my breath saw in and out of my chest.
“Huh, guess he’s found that drive.” Cross laughs.
Crew stands in front of me. “What can we do?” He knows nothing will stop me from claiming her.
“Leave,” I snap. I don’t know if I can maintain my patience while waiting for Farren to be ready for me if these two are here heckling me every chance they get.
Their dark stares—identical to my own—meet across my shoulder, and I see the shared look. Cross jogs up the stairs while Crew pats my shoulder and watches me. “Your account is secure. Everything you had is back. With a little extra padding.” He winks and saunters off.
I knew he’d come through. We may fight, but at the end of the day, we always have each other’s backs. With my money securely back in my hands, I can provide Ren the safety she’s looking for while giving myself peace of mind.
Chapter Four
farren
I cringe as the bell rings for lunch. Ben has been slowly eyeing me up all day. He transferred into two of my classes in the morning, and if I overheard him right, he’s in one in the afternoon.
For years, school had always been my safety net. I was able to come here and not worry about Jeffrey’s groping hands. Now, it’s because of him again that I’m going to become a victim for a second time. Only, a different kind this time. The type no one really talks about. Everyone speaks out against bullying, but never have I seen anyone do a thing to combat it. There’s nothing in place to prevent it from happening.
My soul hurts for the pain it knows is to come. Even after all the things Crux has said, I don’t know how I can believe him. Everyone that’s ever supposed to have protected me has failed. I want to trust him. My heart pleads that I give him a chance, but I don’t know if it’s going to be possible.
I walk into the cafeteria, a long line to grab lunch has formed, and I try to make myself invisible. I wish I’d taken the time to make my lunch this morning so that I could avoid this. I always seem to be trying to avoid things lately.
“Hey there, fairy,” is snarled behind me, and I want to be sick. Not just because of the name but because Ben sounds so much like him. I can feel the blood drain from my face and my stomach quiver as he draws a finger down my spine.
“Don’t touch me,” I grit out between clenched teeth.
“Why not?” His hot breath on my ear makes me want to vomit. Sweat begins to pool at my lower back, and my forehead feels damp. “You liked it when Jeffrey did it.” The slick smile on his face as he stands in front of me is what tips me over the edge.
Running from the room, I hear Ben’s laughter and that of his friends as I pass Kalista and her group of friends, who take the time to point at me and one sticks her foot out, tripping me as my stomach loses control.
My books fly out in front of me, vomit streaks the floor, and I’m dying of embarrassment. I don’t stick around to see the aftermath. I ditch my books, grab my bag, and run for the exit. My legs move until they scream with pain. My chest feels like it’ll explode from the pressure. My heart dies a little more inside knowing how cruel humanity can be.
It isn’t until I’m in front of my house that I realize I’ve run home. It isn’t that long of a distance, but long enough that I’ve never walked it before. Burning sensations and muscle aches control my body as I walk, not to my door, but to Crux’s. I don’t know why.
I don’t know him.
I shouldn’t put this blind faith in a man who has killed before.
He killed for you, my inner voice challenges.
I knock once, lightly, and then sink to the ground. Defeat racks my entire body as I cry for the lost girl I used to be. For the broken girl I’ve become.
“Fuck. Ren.” I hear him,
but I can’t be bothered to look up. What’s the point anymore? Why try to be something when all I do is get knocked back down into this shell of a woman I once thought I would grow into. “What happened, little bird?” His arms wrap around me as I feel his body heat press into me from behind. Rather than be embarrassed that I’m having a breakdown on his front porch, he’s caring for me.
Who is this man?
“What’s the point?” I sob.
“Of what?” he asks quietly.
“Life. What’s the point of this anguish? The laughter and the hurt. What’s the point of me?” I know I’m hysterical. I sound like a crazy girl, but I can’t help it. I’m doubting my self-worth in the worst possible way, and I can’t find my way out of the rabbit hole I’ve sunken into.
“The point…” he says slowly, “is, it’s time for me to protect you. To become the safety net you deserve.” His words hold nothing but promise and truth. “The point…is you’re mine now, bird, and nothing will stop me from keeping you.” I hold my breath. “Including your stubbornness.”
“He touched me.” I don’t have to say who. “It was like Jeffrey was back. The touch, the words, his voice, they were identical.”
“I’ll fucking kill him,” Crux hisses and strikes terror through me.
“Please don’t leave me.” I don’t know why the thought of him leaving again terrifies me so much, but I can’t stomach the idea.
“I’ll take care of you, bird, always.” His vow is one I know I can take with me.
*
Crux
Perhaps I shouldn’t have sent my brothers away so quickly. Seems a boy needs a lesson on how to treat a woman his family has already wronged.
As soon as I heard the light knock, I knew who it was. I knew Farren was here. And I damn well knew that whatever greeted me on the other side of that door wasn’t going to be good. I knew she wouldn’t be here unless something happened.
Picking her up in my arms, the smell of vomit invades my nostrils, and I know just what Ben’s words and actions did to her. How embarrassed she must have been.
Shame wafts off her like perfume.
I don’t care about any of it, though. Only that she’s hurting, and I’ll make him pay. Ben Warner just signed on for world-class pain.
Farren is quiet in my arms as I walk through the house and up the stairs to my room. A warm bath to relax and soothe her pain my only destination in mind. Setting her down on the edge of my bed, I go into the bathroom to run the warm water and add the lavender scented bubble bath I know she likes.
Heading back into the room, I can see she’s shell-shocked. She likely never thought she’d have to deal with anything Warner did to her again. He broke her in a glorious fashion that I could almost admire…if only it weren’t her. Or the way he’d done it. My obsession will bring her nothing but pleasure and joy.
Kneeling in front of Ren, I slip her shoes and socks free, rubbing her feet as I place them back on the ground. I touch as much of her as I can as I slowly undress her. Not in a sexual manner but in a way to get her used to my touch. If there’s one thing in this world I want, it’s not to have her cringing as she does now when my fingers draw a line across her collarbone. The pale flesh calling to me.
“Come.” I hold out a hand for her. She seems unfazed at the notion of her nudity as I lead her into the bath. The bubbles are high and the water warm.
“Lavender,” she murmurs, and I can’t tell if she’s happy or worried.
“Your favorite is it not?” I don’t get an answer as she slides down into the warmth. Shutting the taps off, I leave her alone but keep the door open.
I sit on my bed, holding my head in my hands as I fight to take control of the anger rushing through me. I have no doubt Ben would be better off dead, but she was genuinely terrified at the idea of me doing it, so I know I can’t. Even when every instinct in me screams to eliminate the threat from her life. Logically, I know I can’t kill everyone that does her wrong, but some scumbags just deserve it.
Pulling my phone from my pocket, I dial Crew. He picks up after one ring. “We just left, man.”
“Talk me out of it,” I growl. I sound feral.
“Turn around,” I hear him say to Cross. “What the fuck happened, man?”
“She’s fucking broken. They fucking broke her, and I want to kill them all.” My fists are clenched so tight my bones ache.
“Getting locked up again won’t do her any favors.” He tries to reason.
“They won’t fucking catch me. Not again,” I snarl.
The splashing from the tub draws my attention as Crew curses at me about how I need to relax. When I walk in to see Farren submerged in the tub, white-knuckle grip on the sides, I drop the phone and rush to her.
“I don’t fucking think so.” My words snap out as I drag her out of the water and into my hold. “You aren’t fucking leaving me.” I have a tight grasp on her hair, so she’s forced to meet my angry stare.
“I ache to my soul,” she husks out, her voice achingly raw.
Pressing my forehead to hers, I stand and walk to my room, forgetting about my brother on the phone. “I feel it, bird. I feel your dying soul. Your lack of will. And I’ll fight for it. For you.” The breath in my chest is rough and harsh as I try to contain my mix of emotions.
“Why can’t I be free, Crux? I’m always a victim, a target. I don’t want to be.” Her lip quivers as she speaks.
Laying her on the bed, my mouth hovers over hers, our eyes meet, and I breathe. For me. For her. For us. “I’ll set you free if you let me, Ren. Let me in, and I’ll be your safety.”
*
Farren
I’ll be your safety. His words play back in my mind for what feels like hours. As if he’s whispering them into my ear over and over again.
His hands: strong, rough, loving.
His hands have killed for me.
His hands touch me with such worship.
He doesn’t know it, but I watched Crux as a young girl. I would catch glimpses of him when he came home from college. I’d see him wrestling with his brothers. Bringing girls home or taking them out. I crushed on him for so long, I thought he was a fantasy.
I witnessed the day Crux got arrested. Cried for the man he became. For me. I was never worth his sacrifice. The cuffs locking on his wrist forever engrained in my memories. Screaming that I owe him my life.
“I owe you everything,” I whisper just as his brothers come crashing through the door. My nudity isn’t a concern, though, because like he keeps promising, Crux is protecting me from view. His entire body covers mine. Head to toe. Side to side. The only thing showing is the pads of my feet and my fingers as they grip his shoulders.
“Everything alright in here?” One of his brothers asks tentatively.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper to Crux when I see his gaze darken further. I hate how spineless I am. How weak I must be in his eyes.
I never thought of myself as suicidal before. I’ve been beaten down but never so broken that I wanted to end it all. I just needed relief from the images swirling in my mind like a projector. Just a few moments of peace to process what’s happening now, in the present.
When I’d sunk beneath the water, it wasn’t with the thought of dying in mind. My eyes had closed, and I lowered myself below the surface, my mind clearing, and clarity tried to find its way through the webs of my crowded thoughts.
“Find Ben Warner. Call me when you do.” Crux’s words break through my haze.
“Please don’t,” I beg him.
He smirks. “I’m not going to kill him. Just teach him a lesson well deserved.” I can tell there’s no arguing with him, so I remain silent and watch as he speaks to his brothers.
“I’ll get the car,” one of them says.
“I think he lives in Bayside,” says the other.
Crux watches me, searching my gaze for something. “I can’t lose you,” I whisper. The words couldn’t be truer. Without Crux, I’m quickly realizing
, I have nothing. I’m no one.
With him, I am everything.
Leaning forward, he buries his face in my neck and breathes deeply, inhaling my entire soul. “I’ll never leave you, little bird. As long as there’s breath in my body, I’ll be by your side.”
“Then you have to let him go,” I try to reason.
I feel his body tense. Anger ripples through him with the speed of a race car. It’s in this moment, I realize how dangerous Crux truly is. How unstable he can be.
I should be terrified.
After everything that has happened to me, I should be running for the hills. Locking him out of my life. But I know, deep inside, Crux Malcolm is no danger to me in any other way than breaking my heart. To some, that could almost be enough to make them leave. For me, if that’s all he does, I can accept that. “You’ve saved me once, Crux, you’ve sacrificed enough. Don’t do it again. Please, not for me.”
Pushing up onto his elbows, his dark stare meets mine. The stark emotion matches my own in ways I didn’t think anyone would understand. His protective instincts will always be forefront in his personality, and I can accept that. I can accept so much, but not this, not the risk of his life for mine. It’s a tradeoff I’m not willing to concede to.
“For you.” His words are rough, as if they’re being ripped from his chest. “I’ve waited so long for you, Ren, I won’t fuck this up.” When his lips touch mine tentatively, tears I’ve been trying to hold back all day finally break free.
Crux is such a hard man. Volatile in every sense of the word. But with me, I’m treated like glass. Fragile, precious. With him, I feel like I’m worthy for a little while, and the darkness that’s always lurking in the back of my mind creeps away, and light begins to shine through.
“Thank you,” I whisper. There’s much more meaning behind the words than I could possibly explain.
“I’ll do anything for you, little bird.” I know he means it. Slowly pushing up to stand, I shiver as the cool air hits my body. When I go to cover myself, confused as to why I’m not afraid of him seeing me, he growls, and I stop.