I dressed and stepped out of the bathroom to find Max straightening his tie. He looked at me and smiled.
“Beautiful.”
“You too.” I patted his cheek and looked into his eyes. I wondered how many times he might have felt insecure with me. Even though I couldn’t find a single thing about him that I thought he should feel insecure about, I knew that he had his own hang-ups. How long had I just assumed that he knew how incredible I thought he was and what an amazing partner I had? “I’m so lucky to be with you, Max.”
“We both are, sweetheart. But we’re both going to be pretty annoyed if we don’t get moving. We’re going to be late.”
“Okay, let me just grab one last thing.” I rushed over to the dresser beside the bed and grabbed the necklace that had been given to me the day before. Whether or not it matched my outfit, I didn’t care. It was special to me, and I planned to wear it as often as I could.
Within twenty minutes we arrived at the bookshop. I was surprised to see that there was quite a line of people waiting to get in. Max held the door open for me as we walked past them. I noticed that most of the women shyly looked in my direction, but did not speak up.
Kanda greeted us as we stepped inside.
“Are you excited? Your readers certainly are.” She gestured to the chairs lined up in front of a podium. Around them were little clusters of women.
“Wow. This is an amazing turnout. But who are the women outside?”
“I told them they could line up out there, and if you were up for it after the actual reading and signing, then maybe they could come in for autographs.”
“Really?” I glanced back through the doors. “But it’s quite warm out there. Can’t they come in?”
“Unfortunately, because of regulations, I have to limit the amount of people in the shop at one time.”
“Maybe I could go sign books for them now so they don’t have to wait?”
Max cleared his throat. “I don’t think that would be fair to the people who have tickets.”
“Yes, I guess you’re right about that. But the thought of them roasting out there is going to bother me.”
Max glanced at some tablecloths on the tables in the shop. “Can I borrow these?”
“Sure, I guess.”
He glanced around and found some poles that were used to replace the lights. “And these?”
“Okay, if you want to.”
“Max what are you planning?” I smiled.
“Why don’t you go ahead and put some drinks on our card, and we’ll make sure that those that are waiting outside are quite comfortable.”
Within a few minutes Max had created a makeshift shaded area for the people outside the shop and I followed him with a big bin of drinks on ice to keep them cool. Max dripped with sweat and his tie was loose. His hair was ruffled, and his hands were a bit dirty from getting everything set up.
I couldn’t help but admire his ingenuity and his dedication. He could have just shrugged it off and insisted I do the same, but instead he went the extra mile to ensure comfort for people that he had no responsibility for.
“Max, this is perfect. You absolutely amaze me.”
“I had a feeling if I didn’t do this, you were going to cram everyone inside.” He grinned.
“Yes, you might be right about that.” I laughed and waved to the women in line as we headed back inside.
I stole a quick kiss from Max before I headed up to the podium. This was the moment of truth, the moment when I would discover whether these lovely women of Thailand were really as enamored with me as I’d been told.
I took a deep breath and rested my hands on the wooden surface of the podium. Then I looked out at the sea of faces and smiled. However, no one smiled back. In fact, many eyes seemed to widen with horror. I knew that some people would be shocked by my size—I’d anticipated that by now—but the entire audience seemed to be stunned. A few people started to stand up. One woman began to speak excitedly in a language I didn’t understand.
Max and Kanda were behind me chatting. They didn’t seem to notice that I was completely bombing the book signing.
“I know that you may be a bit surprised by how I look—” I started to speak, but then I realized that every word I spoke felt funny. In fact, my lips felt funny. Had I put on too much lip gloss?
All at once my chest and arms began to itch. I grimaced as I realized that it must be my nerves. I was likely breaking out in hives as a result of not being able to handle the pressure of the women staring at me.
As more people stood up, I noticed that their expressions were more of concern than horror.
I scratched at my arm.
“Sammy!” Max’s voice conveyed fear.
Chapter 11
My heart started to race. I looked down at the arm I’d scratched and saw big red splotches. They disappeared into the sleeve of my shirt.
“Oh no, oh no.” I frowned. Not only was I freaking out, but everyone was going to witness it. I tried some steady even breaths to calm myself, but that didn’t seem to help at all.
“Sammy, what happened to your skin?”
Max stared at my face. I got the feeling there were big red splotches there too.
“I don’t know. I think I’m breaking out in hives from being nervous. I have no idea. I’m so sorry, Max.”
“We need to get her to a hospital.” Kanda grabbed my hand.
The thought of going to a hospital in a foreign country made me even more frightened. “No, I’m fine, really. I’m sure I’ll be fine.”
A woman in the audience rushed up to us. “Did you use lotion?” She peered at my skin.
“Lotion? Yes, I did—before I came here.”
“American lotion or Thai lotion?”
“I bought it from a massage place.”
“It probably has skin lightening chemicals in it.” She frowned and peered at my skin. “You certainly didn’t need that.”
“But I put it on a while ago—why is it reacting now?”
“Probably when we went out in the sun.” Max nodded. “It might have caused the rash to kick up.”
“Here, take this.” Kanda pressed a small package in my hand. “It will calm the reaction.”
“Thank you.” I ripped open the package and gulped down the pills with the bottle of water that she handed me. “Why would anyone put skin lightening chemicals in lotion?”
“Oh, pretty much every lotion sold here has it. If it doesn’t, no one will buy it.” Kanda frowned.
“Why?” I shook my head. “Doesn’t anyone complain about that?”
“No one complains about it because most women here want their skin to be lighter. It’s a bit of an epidemic here. Many Thai women long to have fair skin, so they put it in practically every skin-care product you can think of.”
“That’s surprising.” I glanced over at Kanda’s skin. “You’re skin is flawless.”
She brushed a hand along it self-consciously. “It’s a bit dark. But I’m trying to embrace my own beauty and not focus on comparing myself to others.”
I stared at her with disbelief. The woman that I found to be perfection, whom I’d been frightened of meeting because of my own insecurities, found her own flaws in her skin. My heart ached for her, and for every other Thai woman who looked at her own skin with disgust.
I understood now why I had fans in Thailand. I understood the common ground of insecurity that made them part of the same sisterhood that I belonged to—the same sisterhood that all women belong to. It was the message that I strived to write about, that I was still learning about myself, as I realized what happened once we opened our eyes to truly see one another.
I reached out to lightly touch Kanda’s arm. “I think your skin is perfect. Isn’t it strange that in America women are always going after that perfect tan and here women seek the opposite? It makes me wonder…who really creates these insecurities in us?”
Max shook his head. “I’m guessing the people that make a
ll the money from the products. There’s always subtle ways these big companies implant ideas of perfection in consumers’ minds.”
“It’s not so easy to ignore. I’ve been trying, but it’s hard,” said Kanda.
I thought of the bathing suit I was hesitant to wear. Even though I’d been working on my self-esteem, accepting my own beauty and being secure about my body, I was still hesitant about wearing the beautiful gift that Max had bought for me. “You’re right, it is hard. But that’s why we have to keep trying. The more of us that resist the pressure, the less benefit big companies will see in creating these insecurities.”
“We can only hope. I’m sure you want to rest now. I’ll handle canceling the book signing,” said Kanda.
“No.” I shook my head. “Now, more than ever, I want to speak. I want the women that came here tonight to know that what they’re putting on their skin could be dangerous and that the pursuit of beauty shouldn’t come with a risk.”
“Okay, then whenever you’re ready.” Kanda smiled and gestured to the podium.
“Sammy, are you sure? The splotches are fading, but maybe you should sit down for a little while.”
“I’ll be fine. I’ll keep it short.”
I stepped up to the podium again and looked out at the faces of the women who waited for me to speak. These women, each one flawless in my eyes, were huddled in the bookshop, not because they wanted to taunt me about my weight, but because they wanted some relief from the pressure to be perfect that they felt. As I stood in front of them, words began to flow from me, words that I needed to hear as well.
“I’m so honored that you’ve all taken your time to be here with me. I’ve so enjoyed my visit to Thailand. I have to say that from the moment I stepped off the plane I noticed the beauty that surrounded me. At first it was the beauty of the women who took the time to make sure that every aspect of their body, their hair, and their clothes was flawless. Then I began to notice there was a different kind of beauty. It was…”
I paused to glance over at Max, who nodded his head slightly, a smile of support just for me.
Chapter 12
I looked back toward the women seated in front of me. “It was in the honest way that people would point out my weight.” I took a deep breath and let the flash of memory pass quickly.
“At first, it hurt my feelings. But after some time I began to realize that this was not meant to be an insult. It was an observation. Yes, I am larger than just about everyone I’ve met here. But why is that a problem?” I skimmed my eyes over the women in the audience and smiled.
“It doesn’t have to be a problem, unless I let it be. My weight does not define who I am, and it does not define my beauty. If we refuse to give in to the idea that there is anything imperfect about our bodies, then the industry that flaunts impossible ideals in our faces will have to bend and begin to provide a realistic view of what beauty is. It shouldn’t matter whether we’re slim or round, pale or tan, or whether there are freckles that cover our faces. When we look in the mirror, we should see perfection.”
As my speech wound down the audience applauded. I read a few pages from my book, then settled at the table to sign autographs. As I signed each one I thought about the woman who’d purchased the book. These weren’t just nameless faces or hits on my blog. These were women who suffered as I did, with the idea that they didn’t deserve to call themselves beautiful.
Once all the books had been signed for the people inside the shop, I signaled to Kanda to allow the rest of the people inside. One by one I signed their books and offered them an extra thank you for waiting so long outside.
As the last group filed in I looked up with a smile.
“You’re wearing my necklace.”
It was her. I smiled at the woman and the memory as she came closer to where I sat at the table.
“You said it looked nice on me.”
“And it does.” She rested her book in front of me. “I brought a few of my friends. I hope you don’t mind.”
“Not at all.” I opened the book and signed it.
When I looked up there were five other women around her. Now that I’d done some research online about ladyboys, I was even more intrigued about their interest in my books. I found the whole culture quite fascinating.
“It doesn’t bother you? That we’re who we are?” She leaned a little closer to pick up her book, then stepped aside to let her friend move forward.
“No, it doesn’t bother me. I was quite different when I was born than I am now. We’re not meant to stay the same, are we?”
As I signed each of their books I took some time to talk with them. Each one shared a little of her life with me, and I felt a bond form between us. It wasn’t just about beauty, it was about truly honoring oneself.
After the signing was complete, the first woman stepped forward again.
“Samantha, why don’t you and your husband join us for dinner tonight? We have a special dinner and a show just down the street.”
“Max?” I glanced over at him and he nodded.
Kanda offered a sheepish smile. I got the feeling that she was hoping for an invitation.
“Kanda, you should come too. It’ll be fun.”
“Are you sure?” She smoothed her pencil skirt and looked at the other women, who were all full of silk, shine, and glitter.
“Absolutely. It won’t be any fun without you.”
“Great. I’ve always wanted to go to one of those shows.”
Once the shop was locked up we headed down the street to a building with bright flashing lights and a velvet rope that we had to pass through.
Inside the dim building, I noticed that the main lights were those over the stage. It was clear where the focus was supposed to be. There were tiny tables that barely fit three chairs around it. Max, Kanda, and I huddled close and ordered a light meal to enjoy while we watched the show.
When we first arrived there weren’t many other people there, but as the minutes passed, the place began to fill up. Soon all the tables were occupied and some people were also standing in anticipation of watching the show.
I was impressed by the crowd and even more impressed when the lights suddenly grew brighter and lively music began to play. I’d just finished my food, so I turned in my chair to observe the stage. Under the table I grasped Max’s hand.
What unfolded before me was spectacular. The flash of lights, the flash of sprayed glitter, and the dramatic entrance of the dancers was enough to take my breath away. It was a visual feast and I enjoyed ever second of it.
As the women danced across the stage in their elaborate costumes, I thought about how brave they had to be in order to stand up there. It wasn’t just about how they looked or what they wore, it was about being brave enough to demand attention when their lifestyle was not always accepted. That was beyond anything that I’d ever done.
With pride, they swayed and leaped across the stage.
I was so dazzled that I didn’t notice when someone walked up behind me. It wasn’t until I felt the trail of a feather boa along my shoulder that I realized that someone was leaning over me. I glanced up and into the deepest brown eyes I’d ever seen. She smiled and grasped my hand without a word.
When she tugged me up out of my chair, my heart skipped. Max released my hand as she pulled me away toward the stage. I could think of a thousand reasons not to get up on that stage. I was sure that I could come up with an excuse that would make her let go of my hand. But how would that honor the bravery of these women? How would that show them that I understood and believed in them?
If I was too nervous—too shy—to mount the stage, then I would invalidate every word I’d ever written or spoken. If these women could proudly display themselves to an entire room full of people, then I certainly could too—even if my knees did wobble and my chest was so tight that I wasn’t sure I’d be able to breathe once I was on stage.
It was a moment that demanded I overcome any insecurities that I’d all
owed to crop back up within me.
Chapter 13
As one woman whirled me around on stage, the others there surrounded me. I couldn’t see the audience and they probably couldn’t see me. The dancers piled shimmering clothes, vibrant boas, and mounds of jewelry onto my body. Hands of several strangers touched me, buttoned buttons, zipped zippers, and smoothed down my hair with loving strokes—and yet I wasn’t afraid.
The entire experience felt sacred to me—as if these women were encouraging my true self from deep inside to be displayed for all to see. They topped it off with a tiara covered in flashing LED lights. Never in my wildest dreams would I have predicted that I would end up on stage covered in the brightest colors and wearing flashing lights on my head. But as they stepped away from me, there I was for everyone to see.
Cameras flashed, people applauded, and the music played on. I was tossed from hand to hand in a dance that I didn’t know the steps to. Yet somehow, uncoordinated me fell into the pattern of their movements pretty fast. If movements could convey words, then I understood what they were trying to say. It was a battle cry and a plea at the same time—to let all of us be who we were, without restriction, without consequence, without the constant question of how the rest of the world would react.
As I danced I noticed that I was not the only one that the dancers had plucked out of the audience. In fact, several people had been escorted up to the stage—and one was putting up quite a fight.
I grinned at Max as he tried to shrug off the grasp of a dancer who was much taller and wider than him. He looked at me with wide horrified eyes. I blew him a kiss and danced toward him. His cheeks flushed red, but he surrendered to the tug of the dancer and joined me on stage.
“Sammy, this is a little too extreme for me.” He gritted his teeth as he looked into my eyes.
“No, it’s not. You just have to relax.” I rested my hands on his shoulders and swayed with him as the dancers surrounded us.
Sammy in Thailand (Single Wide Female Travels #6) Page 4