Becca’s heart pounded and light streaked her vision as rapture surged through her body and a throaty cry filled the air. She sobbed Seth’s name over and over as pleasure rippled from her core to the tips of her toes. What had he done?
As the waves of ecstasy ebbed, the fingers that touched her most intimately slowed to a stop. With one last brush of her curls, Seth withdrew his hand.
She released her grip on his thighs and her frame turned from fencepost to jelly. Panting, she slumped against him like a rag doll.
He was breathing just as hard. “God help me,” he rasped. “I want you so much.”
She didn’t know what to say, but she felt the same want. The fire inside her was banked but not sated. Not completely. She sighed and rested her head against his shoulder again.
He relaxed some, too, although a firm ridge still pressed into her back.
Seth leaned his head against hers until his breathing slowed. He nuzzled her neck. “What will you write in your diary tomorrow?”
“My what?”
“Your diary.” A hint of playfulness tinged his tone. “Will you write about—” He squeezed her breast and kissed her ear. “—this?”
“What are you talking about? I don’t have a di—” Her spine straightened, its pliancy gone. Becca swallowed as her throat went dry. “It’s not mine.”
“What do you mean it’s not yours?” He chuckled. “Do you have a twin you haven’t told me about?” His arms encircled her in a comforting way. “It’s all right. You were just writing what was in your heart. I don’t think any less of y—”
“The diary’s not mine.”
Seth’s arms dropped from around her. “C’mon, Becca. You described my hair, my eyes—our kiss. I shouldn’t have invaded your privacy, but don’t lie to me.”
Distrust radiated from him so cold it canceled out the heat from the fire, and she winced at the rejection. Wonder and passion left her in a whoosh. She stared at her hands now clasped in her lap.
Seth scooted around and grasped her shoulders, turning her toward him as he leaned to see her face. “Tell me the truth.” His voice was softer now, but just as determined, its persistent edge matching the flicker of flames in his eyes.
“I’m not lying to you. I found it in a trunk by the side of the trail. The diary, the writing, it’s not mine.”
A crease appeared between his brows. His clear blue gaze bore into her, then grew unfocused as his eyes widened and his brows parted and rose. When she glanced at his hands still gripping her arms, he let go.
He looked at her again with a mixture of alarm and confusion. “If you didn’t... that means I... Dear God. Becca.” He scrambled to his feet, body shaking and eyes pleading. “I’m sorry. I—” An anguished growl grated through clenched teeth as he clutched his stomach and ran from the cave.
Seth could barely make it up the incline as he trudged toward the entrance of the cave, consumed by remorse and sickened by what he’d done. He’d nearly retched up his supper when he left, but even now, hours later, his stomach still churned. Rebecca had taken him in. She’d cared for him and trusted him to protect her. And in exchange for that, he’d violated her.
He could blame it on the diary—he truly thought it was hers—but that was a coward’s way out. No matter the reason, he’d crossed a line he shouldn’t have.
He paused midway in, still unsure what to say. An apology was clearly inadequate, but he had to make some sort of amends. He half expected her to draw a knife on him. And if she did, he wouldn’t blame her. In fact, he would stand there and let her gut him without offering an ounce of resistance. It’s what he deserved.
With a labored breath, he continued on inside, his soul as dark as the murky shadows looming over him and quivering along the walls.
His misery doubled at the sight of Rebecca. She was sitting on the ground, hugging her knees and staring blankly into a waning fire. He’d seen that look on one other woman’s face; this time, it hurt twice as bad.
“Becca.” He’d barely heard the word, his voice was so rough and weak.
She must have, though, because she winced and turned her face away.
“Becca, I...”
“Don’t,” she said quietly. “Just get your things and go.”
He deserved to be kicked out—deserved far worse—but he was torn. He couldn’t just leave after what he’d done. He approached her and stopped a few feet away. “I’ll leave if that’s what you want, but let me apologize first.”
She cast him a pained, sideways glance from under moist lashes. “Apologize for what?”
“For betraying your trust and forcing myself on you. For being no better than the men who tried to rape you.”
“Did I try to stop you?”
“That’s not the poi—”
“Did I?” Her words dripped with scorn.
“At first.” But I ignored you and did what I wanted anyway.
“Did I keep trying?” she insisted, glaring at him. “Did I push you away and say no?”
“No, but—”
“Would you have stopped if I did?”
“Yes.”
“Then you’re not like them.” She rested her chin on her knees and stared at the fire again. “You’re not the evil one. I am.”
Seth squatted down across the fire from her, his heart riddled with guilt and his arms aching to comfort. He was prepared for her wrath—welcomed it—but directed at him, not turned inward.
She lifted her gaze to meet his, but she didn’t move her head. Thin, wet trails glistened down her cheeks in the firelight, sending a spear of remorse through his heart. Long moments passed and she said nothing.
“You’re not evil, Rebecca. I’m the one to blame for this. You put your trust in me, and I betrayed it. Betrayed you.” He turned out his hands. “I need you to believe that. I can’t stand the thought of you blaming yourself for this—you taking on guilt that rightly belongs to me.”
Rebecca’s brow creased, her conscience obviously at war with his words.
“Don’t blame yourself for what happened. Please. I don’t think I can watch another woman go through this.”
Fresh pain flickered in her eyes. He had better explain himself.
Seth exhaled a heavy breath and sat with his back against the rocky wall, one leg stretched out in front of him and the other bent at the knee with his boot on the floor. He stared into the glowing pile of coals, and then he met Rebecca’s gaze and steeled himself to exhume memories he’d spent the last five years trying to forget.
“Do you remember the first night in the hut, when I—” struck you. Seth ground his teeth at the memory. “—when I called out a woman’s name in my sleep?”
Becca nodded.
“I was dreaming about Rachel, my sister.” That seemed to ease her mind a little. He wished something could ease his.
“It was the fall of forty-six, harvest time, and I’d just turned fifteen. Rachel was seventeen. Our crops had done so well, my father had to hire extra help. I’m his only son, and even with Rachel and Ma helping, it wasn’t enough.
“Pa didn’t like the two men he hired much. They worked hard enough, but something about them bothered him. He told me to keep an eye on them. He also told me to make sure Rachel was never alone with them. Ma, either. “When the crops were all in, he paid the men and told them they could stay one more night to rest up before leaving. I went out to do my morning chores, but then I dawdled for a while. I wanted to check my traps, and I figured it would be all right since the harvest was over and the men were planning to leave.”
Seth drew a deep breath and stared at the coals. “On my way back to the house, I stopped off at the barn to put away my game bag. When I walked in, one of the men was dragging Rachel toward an empty stall. She was struggling and he hit her. I started toward them, but the other man grabbed me from behind and held me firm. He told me if I fought or made a sound, he’d slit my throat. I felt a blade at my neck, so... so I complied.
“
The man who had Rachel sneered at me. He pulled a knife and shoved my sister to the ground, and—” Seth swallowed past the swell of emotion in his throat and worked to keep his voice steady. “—and then he raped her while I watched.”
Becca gasped.
“I looked away for Rachel’s sake, but the man behind me gouged me with his blade and forced me to open my eyes. I focused on her face, hoping she would see how sorry I was. When she finally closed her eyes, I watched the tears roll down the side of her cheek, knowing she was ruined and it was my fault.”
Seth looked up at Rebecca. Fresh tears streaked her face.
He looked away again. “As soon as it was over, the men left. Rachel curled into a ball and cried. I wasn’t sure what to do, so I went and got my mother.” A derisive sound grated his throat. “I let my sister get raped, and all I did was run for my mother.”
“You were only fifteen. What else could you do?”
His eyes flashed to her. “I could have obeyed my father and kept an eye on my sister like he told me to. If I had, she’d still be alive.”
Becca’s jaw dropped. “She’s dead?”
Seth scrubbed a shaky hand over his face as images of his sister, pale and gaunt, haunted him. “I don’t know for sure. The last time I saw her, she had taken to her bed and refused to eat. Doc Bennet didn’t expect her to live much longer.”
“How long ago was that?”
“Five years.”
“You haven’t seen your family in all that time?”
Seth shook his head.
“Don’t you miss them?”
He shrugged. He missed them so much he ached, but it didn’t matter.
“I’m sure they miss you.”
“I doubt it. No one said it, but I could tell they blamed me for what happened. Especially Rachel.”
“They didn’t try to stop you from leaving?”
“I didn’t tell them. I just left. It hurt Rachel to look at me. Every time she saw me, it made her think of the men. I could see it in her eyes. The only chance she had of getting better was for me to leave.”
Becca sat there, staring at him with a mixture of pity and disbelief.
Seth cleared his throat. “The reason I told you all this was to say I don’t condone taking advantage of women. I know it doesn’t excuse what I did, but I truly thought the diary belonged to you.”
She hugged her knees again. “I believe you. It’s easy to get confused about what day it is out here.”
“What do you mean?”
“You kissed me the first time yesterday, on the thirteenth. The kiss in the diary happened on the fourteenth, today.” At his perplexed expression, she went on. “I read the entries on the same day of the month it actually is, to help me remember. The fifteenth is tomorrow.”
“No, Becca. The fifteenth is today.”
“It can’t be. I’ve counted every day since I’ve been here. Today is October fourteenth.”
Seth shook his head. “I left the outpost on the third and arrived here on the fifth. I’ve been here ten days. It’s the fifteenth. I’m sure of it.”
She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and stared beyond him, eyes unfocused. “If it’s the fifteenth, that means I’ve been here one day longer than I thought.”
“You said you were knocked out when you fell. Could you have been unconscious more than a few hours?”
“I...” Her voice was almost a whisper. “I must’ve been.”
Seth leaned forward. “I bet they came for you, Becca. You just didn’t make it back in time to see them.”
Her face pinched with emotion, but she brushed it away with her hand as she swiped at her eyes. “It’s late,” she said as she rose to her feet.
Seth stood, too, keeping his distance. “I’ll go. Just give me a few minutes to gather my things.” When she didn’t object, he headed for the tunnel that led to his room.
“You don’t have to leave,” came her soft voice from behind him.
He turned back around and forced his gaze to meet hers. “I don’t deserve your hospitality after what I did.”
She looked down at her hands clasped at her waist, the fingers of one nervously rubbing the other, then slid her arms around her midriff and lifted her chin. “It was a misunderstanding. Let’s leave it at that.”
Seth gave a single nod. He still assumed blame, but he wouldn’t insult her graciousness by arguing.
He swallowed despite his dry mouth and ignored the tension gripping his body as silence hung between them like a sheet of ice. If his actions caused her to change her mind about their trip... “Are you still willing to travel with me?”
Becca didn’t answer right away. Tiny beads of moisture, turned a deep orange by the waning glow of the coals, glistened along her lashes. “Yes.” The word was spoken with surety, but so quietly he barely heard it.
“Good. We’ll leave in the morning for the outpost.”
And he’d wait to discuss the specifics of the trip with her until then. She wasn’t the only one who needed time to come to terms with her lost day.
Becca stared at Seth’s back—his broad shoulders stretching the dark leather of his duster, and his hat tamped down on his head—as he led Cyrus with her mounted sidesaddle. She’d just as soon walk, but he’d insisted she ride. The trip to the outpost would take the better part of two days, and the trip back with a second horse, supplies and a wagon, three more.
They’d brought the barest of necessities to get them there, but they’d have plenty upon their return. Once back at the cave, they’d add her possessions and go. Go where, she wasn’t sure. They hadn’t discussed that. Seth had been somber and silent from the time he awoke. He wasn’t rude and he’d spoken when needed, but he wasn’t himself.
Neither was she. After the existence of the lost day sank in, she’d lain awake most of the night, her reality turned on its end by the addition of a mere twenty-four hours. She’d been unconscious the first day and lost for another. Scouts could have come for her both days, and she would have missed them. Even if they’d followed the trail of strange rocks, they wouldn’t have found her, only evidence she’d been digging vegetables by the stream.
The anger driving her to live and die alone was quickly turning to regret. And longing. Maybe her parents hadn’t left her behind after all.
And what about Nathan? Had she misjudged him, too?
She’d planned to replenish her supplies and send Seth on his way when they returned to the cave. Now she wasn’t sure. She didn’t know what she’d find if she went to California, but hopelessness was giving way to curiosity. She wanted answers.
The day dragged on, sluggish as the stagnant gray clouds that coated the sky, and Becca stared blankly at the faded landscape. Her thoughts turned on themselves like the endless, shifting gait of the animal beneath her. At least the horse was making progress. After hours of dwelling on her predicament, she’d made absolutely none.
She finally abandoned her musings and took note of her surroundings. The hazy drape of clouds skimming the horizon glowed a dull pink from the lowering sun.
“Seth.”
“Hm?” He’d been trudging along, apparently as lost in thought as she.
“Can we stop for a while?”
The brim of his hat grazed his collar as he lifted his head and looked around. “Yeah. It’s time to make camp anyway.”
He drew Cyrus to a halt and came alongside to help her dismount. Becca braced her arms on his shoulders as his hands encircled her waist. When her boots touched the ground, her knees buckled and she nearly went down.
“Whoa.” Seth held her steady. “You all right?”
“I’m fine. Just a little numb, that’s all.” She let go of him when the feeling returned to her legs, and he slowly withdrew his hands.
“I should have given you a break before now. I’m sorry. I lost track of time.”
“I’m okay.”
He backed up and she took a tentative step, then another, all the while pastin
g on a smile to hide the fact every movement sent spasms of pain from her shoulders to her knees.
Becca glanced around for a place to relieve herself. There was a small copse of trees to the right, but that was where they’d likely make camp, and none of the low bushes dotting the perimeter would provide enough cover.
Seth cleared his throat. “I’m going to take Cyrus and go find some firewood. Will you be all right while we’re gone?”
She pasted the smile back on and nodded.
“I’ll stay within earshot. Call out if you need me.”
As soon as man and horse disappeared over the rise, Becca hurried to the tallest clump of bushes she could find. She gathered up her skirts and squatted down with a sigh. They hadn’t even traveled one whole day. If they went to California together, she’d be dodging awkward moments for two more months.
Once Seth had built a small fire, Becca busied herself heating up some roasted rabbit while he watered Cyrus and set him to graze. By the time she’d plated their food, Seth had returned from a nearby stream with two full canteens.
He handed one to her and sat at the base of a tree, taking a swallow from the other. “The rabbit smells good.” His expression was pleasant, but it couldn’t mask the discomfiture of the man behind it. It was almost as if they’d started from scratch again, only with scandalous memories making the acquainting worse.
Her stomach roiled every time she recalled her behavior—how she’d given in so easily and behaved so wantonly with a man she barely knew. Yet her body hummed at the memory of his lips and his hands on her. He had made her feel things she never imagined a body could feel, and it only fueled the longing in her heart. How she wished things were different between them.
Becca sat as primly as she could on the ground, tucking her skirts neatly around her. She handed him his plate, then picked up her own.
For a while, they ate in silence, exchanging an occasional glance. Then a crease appeared between Seth’s brows and grew steadily deeper, the way it always did when something was bothering him.
He turned a picked-cleaned leg bone over and over in his fingers before tossing it into the fire. “I was wondering if you’d given any more thought to where you’d like me to take you.”
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