Awkwardly Jacek pulled down his large black traveling satchel with brass fittings and hastily searched through its numerous compartments and pockets to see where Nada had crammed the architecture books, Lenka unpacked his dirty clothes and what would she have said about those textbooks signed Nadezda Houskova, Jacek hid the books among some official papers and up went the satchel fluently as before, why should he be a draftsman in some construction cooperative when he had a degree in chemical engineering and business experience from numerous deals and trips, hurray for trips when we’ve got a brother who’s such a great guy—
With growing excitement Jacek went out into the corridor and leaned against the frame of an open window. “When are you coming home again?” his brother had asked on the telephone, and by “home” he’d meant Brno, “Maybe we’ll be spending more time together and maybe—” we were on the verge of saying “permanently,” as if with sudden conviction, but I’ve always insisted to Lenka that we’re permanently settled in Usti and that’s why Lenka’s been planting apple trees, we’ve got a first-category apartment there, we both have well-paid jobs, of course mine’s not so good, but then it’s convenient and peaceful, how quickly this sort of faith can spring from nowhere, in a second even, but that could only mean— as if in horror Jacek pressed his hands to his throat, piercing a dam can be just like knocking it down, what else might we learn about ourselves—this time truly in horror Jacek pressed his hands to his throat, a good thing that Usti is only twenty minutes from Decin and the first stop on the express.
I — four
A feeling of vertigo on alighting at our own Usti station, but which station is really ours now—with his large traveling satchel Jacek tottered along the platform in the stream of those getting off, from a fairy-tale pop-up book back to the daily paper and, in his throat, anxiety, new streams getting off newly arrived trains from Most, Uporiny, and Lovosice, all hurrying home to their Lenickas and Lenkas; my darlings, it was only sunstroke, we’ll stay home now, as we should, and pull down the blinds, Lenka’s a good wife and we have a clever, pretty little girl, but Daddy can’t come just yet, my sweet, until his train comes out of its eleven tunnels, that’s for Mommy’s sake, you see, so she won’t cry if people tell her that Daddy came home today on a strange, bad train.
Jacek tottered along the platform and in the gathering dusk he raised his watch to his eyes every so often, the 4:45 to Berlin was late today, God forbid that anything should have happened to it—the platforms emptied quickly, Jacek dragged his satchel from the platform down the steps and up the steps onto the platform, WHERE DO WE COME FROM—WHO ARE WE—WHERE ARE WE GOING, but I live here with my wife and we have a child, a hundred times better than I deserve, my love, I have soiled you… Jacek with his satchel on the steps, going up and going down.
“Express from Prague to Decin, Dresden, and Berlin, arriving on Platform Two—” the loudspeakers sounded, Jacek ran up the steps to Platform Two, the train was already thundering in insignificantly late, and already the crowd was streaming out of its cars, Jacek in its midst, quickly out of the station and home by the shortest route, Jacek in the middle of the current pouring quickly into buses and streetcars, all going by the shortest route, Jacek too, to his Lenicka and Lenka on streetcar No. 5 to Vseborice.
To reach our part of the housing development you ride to the end of the line, today after the next-to-the-last stop there’s only one person left, on the rear platform, Jacek had entered the car from the front, it’s a man, two daddies coming home from the 4:45 to Berlin, Jacek hurried to the rear platform, but stopped short in the doorway—the man leaning on the brake was Trost.
“Hey, this is a coincidence, isn’t it—” Trost bellowed, under his chin a band-aid big as a large coin, “—it’s a good thing we caught the Berlin express in Prague, isn’t it?”
“It sure is. I’ve never missed it yet.”
“You make the trip often, don’t you?”
“Quite often. But you do too, I see.”
“Oh, no, not at all. The weather’s nice, isn’t it?”
“It is now.”
At the corner the daddies separated and Jacek hurried past the playground, the carefully swept sidewalk was still damp from having been sprinkled, this week we have clean-up duty in front of the apartment house, and Jacek raced up the stairs, on his door a nameplate ENGINEER JAROMIR JOST, I live here, and even as the door opens Lenicka calls, “Daddy—” and Lenka comes to greet him with a smile.
“Daddy—” our darling cries with her chin on a brass pole of the netting that surrounds her crib, down at once with the netting and his rough chin against her sweet little tummy, Lenicka cries out with pleasure, nothing’s so sweet to kiss as our little one, “Daddy gwab me—” cries our pretty little girl, take her in his arms and swing her.
“Daddy don’t go way—”
“I’m just going to give Mommy a kiss.”
“Daddy come back again—”
“You know I’ll come back right away.”
“Daddy tell stowies—”
“You know he will!”
Lenka had already taken a bottle of milk out of the refrigerator, she was warming it up, and already she was up to her elbows in our traveling satchel, the official papers she leaves untouched, all she bothers with are the dirty clothes, “Look what I brought you— ” “That’s wonderful, you’re very kind and thanks—but you forgot that white plush again, didn’t you—”
“Sure as I breathe, but I won’t next time, you can count on it… And Daddy forgot his little darling too—”
“Daddy din’t fwoget—”
“You know he didn’t, and look what he brought you,” show our little one what this strange thing’s for, Lenicka went into ecstasy over the water pistol and again the netting came down, trampling her nightshirt underfoot she staggered through the kitchen and covered the walls with water, “Putting that thing in her hand,” said Lenka, “means an immediate call to workmen to repaint the apartment,” but after all, it’s only water, my love.
On kitchen chairs Jacek and Lenka sat across from one another and, in unison, gulped down hot cereal sprinkled with cocoa, “And why did you come back two days late?”
“But Daddy has to tell stowies—” Lenicka called from her crib.
“Once again Chema made up its mind it wouldn’t raise the OMZ’s balance-sheet allotment over the limit for the second quarter, and KZZCHT wouldn’t approve the last quarter’s drop in material, whereupon our PZO—”
“Just a minute, I have to go and put the key back in the cellar…” said Lenka, and she was back again soon, “…well, so—”
“Well, so I got home two days late. And what’s new with you?”
“The OS inspectors are asking again for periodic reports on all MS- and TK-data measured against the plan norms, while USMP insists—”
“Daddy tell stowies—”
“Just a minute, let me go and take care of her— So which story shall we tell, my darling?”
“The sad pwince!”
“Once upon a time there was a prince and he was very sad…”
“…because he had to wide the twain so much…”
“…and his little girl at home made yum-yum so little that Mommy got angry…”
“…thwough many many bwack tunnels…”
“…and since the prince wanted to have a strong, pretty little girl…”
“…he awways wode that twain and cwied and the pwincess cwied too, because the tunnel had no wight…”
“…light, darling. Light. And so the prince kept riding on the train and because it was dark he didn’t see the princess…”
“…and out of the woods cwop-cwop-cwop came the auwochs…”
“…aurochs, darling, you’re saying auwochs—aurrrochs.”
“…and he was all gold, a cow this big with a gweat big meen…”
“Mane, maaane. A buffalo…”
“…and the auwochs said, pwince, here is youw pwincess and don’t cw
y, and the pwince went boom! And it wasn’t dawk anymowe in the tunnel and the pwincess gave the pwince a gweat gweat big kiss wike this—”
“—a great great big one like this. And now beddie-bye, darling.”
“But Daddy don’t go way—” and he had to stay with her till she fell asleep with her thumb in her mouth, he felt the chafing of the tepid nylon on his wrists and the warming felt of the harness around his entire body.
Clean all his shoes in the foyer and take a hot bath, “You’re not going to bed yet, Lenka?”
“How can I, it’s Friday!”
“Can I help with anything?”
“Just go to bed, you’ve had enough with your trip.”
“That’s true. OK then, beddie-bye now.”
Every day the morning theme song of motorcycles tuning up and the rattle of Lenka’s alarmclock, Lenka turns it off and goes to get Lenicka dressed, but Lenicka doesn’t want to get up, tears, objects falling, and cries.
“Daddy come today?”
“But he came back last night.”
“Daddy din’t come!”
“But you have the pistol he gave you—you think you just dreamed that, don’t you? Hop into your pants!”
“Daddy put on pants!”
“Shh—Daddy’s still beddie-bye, we mustn’t wake him…”
“…we mustn’t wake him…,” Lenicka whispered and then screamed, “I want to see Daddy!” and Jacek crawled out of bed, my darlings, and still half asleep he staggered in to help pull on Lenicka’s tights and to kiss Lenka, Lenicka sprayed him with her pistol and Lenka was very nervous, he climbed back into bed to get some more sleep, another fifty minutes, and he was asleep before the two of them had left.
The roar of trucks starting up and the stomping on the ceiling always preceded the rattle of Jacek’s alarmclock, Jacek raised the clock face toward his eyes, another eighteen minutes, and he turned over onto his other side, think of something pleasant, suddenly he got up, dumbfounded, and walked to the door to the balcony—it wasn’t a dream, it had actually occurred—and now he was naked, upstairs they were stomping around, a sprightly army drill, on the other side of the river Speranza was exercising too, only now did the alarmclock ring, he was surprised to find that he could take a fine shower in the tub, after a cold shower the world is at your feet.
The kitchen floor was strewn with all sorts of things, in a mug on the sideboard was instant coffee, already mixed (all you do is add hot water) and three ceramic crackers, why this dieting all the time, and already Jacek was locking the apartment door, but then he unlocked it again, went back to the kitchen, and flushed the coffee down the drain—but in cold water it didn’t go down too easily.
“…it really was out of the question. And so I made an effort to arrange it through friends,” Jacek slowly told the deputy director of Cottex, he was happy, stuffed with tripe soup, herring, and a stein of beer, and pleasantly surprised by his own suddenly deep and serious tone of voice. “As you no doubt are aware, I studied engineering in Brno and my classmates there represent a significant…”
“Of course I’m aware of that and I’m very glad that, at last…,” the deputy said with zeal, “you’ve finally hit on the proper technique, today unfortunately one can’t do without it and…”
“However, there’s no ethyl acetate.”
“One couldn’t expect it, but we would be very grateful if next time… You understand… If you could keep it up…”
“These things are difficult to arrange, of course, and I wouldn’t want to press too hard…”
“Of course, I abide by what you’re saying, obviously… If you would only keep trying… By the way, I’ve been reviewing the quarterly bonuses, in your case there must have been an oversight and…”
“That hundred crowns really did bug me. If only—”
“…I’ve already approved it, you’ll get four hundred and ten crowns in all, we were saving the increase for Danek, but now— Besides, I intend to propose to the director that he give you the top pay in your grade.”
“Top pay, but that’s really terribly— Really, it comes just at the right time. After all these years—”
“The director will certainly okay it if I ask him. Cigarette?”
“Thanks— No, I don’t like filters.”
“Actually, all I smoke is filters… Well, and so on Wednesday you should go to see KZZCHT…”
“I’d prefer to go on Tuesday.”
Jacek leaped through the ridged mud of the courtyard toward the wooden annex to the technical division, whistling the March from Aïda, four hundred plus two hundred a month extra, trips to Brno at his own whim, why not stop off somewhere in the forest on the other side of the dam, or even at Pernstejn Castle, we haven’t been to Telc yet or Bratislava—
In Jacek’s office the chief colorist Petrik Hurt and the technician Vitenka Balvin were waiting—shouts, laughter, and some new anecdotes from Brno, Petrik signed a red issue slip for the 300 grams of Saturday’s pure alcohol and Vitenka diluted it expertly: sixty-forty would hit the spot just before dinner, and on Saturday we always get a bit plastered.
When they finally got on Jacek’s nerves he kicked them out, it’s strange to imagine that Petrik’s actually our boss, and Jacek sat down to his typewriter to make his travel report: 3/30-4/1, shit! and a new sheet of paper, 3/30-4/3. I continued my efforts at the main office in Brno…, suddenly he felt again the oppressive sensation of those long corridors in that gray palace, the uneasy backward glances and the whispered reports, “The general director is ready to throw him to the prosecutor… The whole place is to be disbanded immediately… They’re hanging that sixteen million around his neck… Hartung broke him sooner than anyone could have expected…,” the anxiety and agitation, here one didn’t turn one’s superiors out the door, Vitenka and I would have fought for a hint of a smile from Petrik, how happy we’d been when they’d had us transferred—
Quickly Jacek finished his report, filed it, and breathed a sigh, he reached for the newspaper and read it through from A to Z, then the arts review, and after lunch a piece of a novel, he opened Armand Lanoux’s When the Ebb Tide Comes to where the bookmark was:
Apple trees rose from the dense grass, wringing their twisted, crippled twigs. The sap wept. Jacques slept with his face buried in the hay. They had fallen from exhaustion… Abel looked at his watch… Three hours passed. They had come from the other village, from the one near the coast, the little valley, the fortified farmhouse, the sleeping bridge, and the yellowish brook. From the south the sound of war roared on, indifferent to them. The sea was no longer in view… With an effort they tried to move their feet. Each boot weighed at least fifty pounds. Jacques took off his boots. When he put them back on, they would hurt him.
At 1:59 P.M. Jacek banged Lanoux shut, got up, and stretched, this summer would be magnificent, those four hundred and ten crowns for current expenses and those two hundred extra regularly for his secret hoard—again, suddenly, that feeling of horror he’d felt in the corridor of the Decin train, when would he first touch our secret hoard, for what had it been established, and Good God, how awfully soon—2:00, the siren screamed, and he was literally dragged outside by a long-conditioned reflex.
“Suppose we go for a swim.”
“Now?!”—Lenka and Grandma were shocked.
“Why not? Better than rooting around in the ashes of this apartment house.”
“Wherever did you get that idea? And where would we go?”
“There won’t be much hot water today anywhere, we can take the streetcar to the baths. My little darling, want to swimmie?”
“I want swimmie!”
“Well, run along then, Good Heavens,” Grandma said, “I can take care of things!” “I have to iron,” Lenka said. “But it’s nothing for me, I can do it…” “You didn’t come to visit for that…” “But I like to…” “How many times have I told you, Mama…”
“I want swimmie!”
“Come along with
us, Lenka. Remember how you used to… Come on.”
“I’d like to… But I’ve got to iron.”
“Lenunka…”
“So go on then, but be home by five!”
In the glow of floodlights reflecting off the warm green waves, Lenicka shouted for joy and Jacek laughed, twelve minutes till closing, he could still do two laps, but how could he leave the little one alone for even a second, seven minutes left, at least one lap, “I want a wowwypop—” at least five strokes of freestyle, “I want a wowwypop!” just two minutes left, “Daddy’ll buy one, but his darling can wait a bit…” “Daddy don’t go way—” she squealed, and she grabbed him by the leg, but just then someone came by with an orange rubber ducky and Lenicka was off after it, he had to catch her and she squealed that she didn’t want her Daddy, desperately she tried to escape toward the duck, but the blow-up bird had already been thrown into the deep end and a bunch of laughing girls were jumping after it, Jacek picked Lenicka up in his arms and with his body he warmed her already chilled little body, with her fists his daughter struck her Daddy on the face, once again her desire was left unsatisfied, because of one another we don’t get what we want, away at once from that golden fairy-tale bird and the sparkling naiads in the green waves around it, we must go to the streetcar, back home to the Residence.
A familiar figure in a green windbreaker with a hood strode nimbly along the broad road—their neighbor Mr. Mestek was going to the mountains, tapping his carved stick disdainfully on the concrete.
“I’d like to go somewhere where there’s lots of grass,” said Jacek, glancing out at him from the kitchen window. “My little darling, will you come with Daddy? And you, Lenka?”
“His little darling” definitely wanted to go with Grandma to the movies, Lenka had to make dinner.
“So go alone, at least you won’t be in the way.”
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