Remembering Joy

by Moen, Jenni

  “Carl and I’ll just sleep with Barnacle and Dirk,” Burke said.

  “The hell?” Barnacle said. “Tonight’s my night in the tent. I’ve got a date. Go sleep in the van.”

  “Fine by me,” Burke responded.

  “I am not sleeping in that nasty van,” Carly huffed. “God only knows what is on those seats. And what about Mr. Big? He’ll get claustrophobic in there.”

  “You weren’t complaining on the way up here,” Barnacle muttered.

  “Well, no. Because I sat on a trashbag.”

  Thus far, I’d remained silent. Mostly because I didn’t want to draw attention to the fact that Allie and I still had a tent. However, eventually the thought occurred to Burke.

  “That settles it,” he said. “I’ll bunk with Adam and Allie in their tent, and, Carly, you and Mr. Big can sleep with Jillian and Ethan.

  Ethan wiggled his eyebrows at Burke. “Those sounds like pretty good odds to me.”

  Burke threw an empty at him. “Scratch that. Carly and Mr. Big can sleep with Jillian, and Ethan can sleep in the van.”

  “No way,” Ethan said. “I will not be punished for your stupidity.”

  Burke gave him a severe look. “Fine. But you touch my woman, and I will break your face.”

  Then he turned toward us. “It’s cool if I sleep with you guys, right?”

  It wasn’t cool ... not cool at all ... but I looked over at Allie questioningly. She nodded and smiled weakly. “Yeah, all right, but you’re sleeping on the ground.”

  It seemed pretty late at this point, and I was tired from my all-day adventure in the woods. I also wanted to get a few more minutes of alone time with Allie before Burke joined us. “You ready?” I quietly asked Allie. Again, she nodded.

  I stood up and took her hand. “All right. Well, we’re turning in. We’ll see you guys in the morning,” I said.

  Burke stood up, too. “I’m right there with ya, bro. Playing firefighter is exhausting. Night, Carl.”

  “Do you mind?” I asked him.

  “Oh, right. I’ll give you five minutes,” he said, turning and jogging toward Carly’s retreating back.

  “Hey, wait a minute, Carly, I’ve got five minutes. Let’s go check out the bathhouse,” he said.

  We returned to our tent and got ready for bed in silence. Even though I’d told her earlier that we were okay, there was a terrible awkwardness between us.

  After changing into a clean tank top and a pair of knit shorts, she climbed onto the air mattress. It was still too hot out to crawl into our double sleeping bag cocoon so she lay down on top of it instead. Because I was taking my cues from her, I laid down beside her.

  “I want to finish our talk, but ....” I started just as Burke came crashing through the door. I raised my eyebrows and gestured toward Burke.

  “What? Not done yet?” he asked. He flopped down on the mattress beside Allie and draped an arm and a leg across her. “Awwww, Allie, you’re so cuddly.”

  I reached over her and shoved him off the mattress. “Keep your big gorilla hands to yourself,” I said.

  There was a thump as he hit the ground. Allie stifled a giggle.

  Burke rubbed his shoulder. “But I can’t fit over here.”

  I got a little pleasure out of the fact that there was only about 8 inches of space between the edge of the mattress and the wall of the tent. “If you weren’t such a Mo-ron, you would be in your own tent right now. So, if you want to sleep in here, you’re sleeping on the ground.” I smiled evilly at him. “I hear there is room in the van if you’re not happy with the accommodations.”

  Burke growled and rolled over with his back to us. “You all just carry on like I’m not here. I’ll be asleep in two minutes anyway.”

  True to his word, he was snoring in less than two minutes. Generally, Burke slept like the dead, but I wasn’t taking any chances. I curled up around Allie and kissed the top of her head. “It’s all going to be okay. You and I are good,” I whispered.

  “Promise?” she asked.

  “Promise.”

  I felt her relax and eventually her breathing slowed down. I lay awake for a long time, thinking about how I was going to keep my promise. Dirk and Barnacle were still entertaining by the campfire, and their laughter occasionally interrupted the otherwise quiet night. Eventually, the sounds of the crickets and easy new relationships lulled me toward sleep.

  Only because she was asleep and because I was in a half conscious state could I say what I really felt. “I love you, Allie. I don’t know how or why it happened, but I do ... somehow I’ll make this work.”

  Chapter 23

  Alexis

  We were backtracking across the state again, heading home. The last half of the trip had pretty much been a disaster. Sure, he’d said we were okay, but now that it was out in the open, I wouldn’t feel better until we talked about it some more.

  Unfortunately, we hadn’t had a second to ourselves all day. Burke had slept late so we had no privacy in our tent. The morning had been filled with hiking, swimming, and fishing with the group. Though he didn’t complain, I could tell that Adam’s feet hurt on the hike. They were covered in blisters, and I wondered what he’d done to himself the day before.

  After lunch, we started tearing down the camp. By 2:00, we were loaded up in the cars. As soon as we got on the highway, I got my cell reception back, and my phone started lighting up with missed calls and emails. Apparently, not everyone in my office had taken off for the holiday.

  Adam had relegated Ethan to the backseat with Jillian for the return trip home. As a result, I had a much better view of him on this leg of the trip. Currently, he was staring at the road in front of him, lost in thought.

  I reached over and put my hand on his leg. “Hey, I have to go straight into the office when we get back.”

  He smiled at me and squeezed my hand. “Yeah, your phone’s going crazy over there, huh? No worries, babe. I’ve got to get into the editing room, too. I have to turn in the first part of my project later this week, and I’ve got more work to do on it than I thought. I’m probably going to be a ghost this week.”

  He squeezed my hand as if to reassure me. Then he was lost in thought again. His jaw worked back and forth, and he let go of my hand to pinch the bridge of his nose like he had a headache. If only I could get in his head for a few minutes, I’d have everything figured out.

  Adam

  It was already late Thursday afternoon, and I hadn’t seen Allie since I dropped her off at her place on Monday. She was expecting me at the gym tonight, but I was going to have to bail on her. My fall classes had started this week, and I had more than a full load. I was going to have to buckle down if I wanted to graduate early in December.

  But the real problem was my senior project. I hadn’t made any progress on it this week, and it was due tomorrow. I was completely stumped about what to do with it. I’d been in a different frame of mind when I’d started it. I knew that I needed to make big changes to it, but fixing it to avoid hurting one person left me feeling like I was betraying another.

  For the third day in a row, I was camped out in the editing room trying to figure out what parts had to go and what parts I could keep. Truth be told, I thought I needed to scrap the whole thing, but there wasn’t any time for that.

  I picked up my phone and sent Allie a text to let her know I wouldn’t make it to the gym. She answered right away. I knew that she would. Even though we hadn’t seen each other, we’d talked on the phone a couple of times and kept a pretty steady text conversation rolling. For a person who never had the volume up on her ringer, she’d been really fast to respond to every message. I knew that she was still worrying and walking on egg shells.

  ADAM: Hey, I can’t make it tonight. I’m tied up on this project.

  ALEXIS: That’s okay. I need to work late, too. Is everything going okay?

  ADAM: It’s all good. Just editing.

  ALEXIS: Have you eaten?

  ADAM: No, but I�
��ll grab a sandwich in a little while.

  ALEXIS: Okay. I miss you.

  ADAM: I’ll try to come by tonight, but it may be late.

  ALEXIS: Even if it’s late. Let yourself in. :-)

  ADAM: See you then, but don’t wait up.

  I looked at the wall of screens in front of me. This was impossible. I needed to clear my head. I decided to take a walk and maybe look for my faculty adviser. I didn’t know how much I wanted to tell Professor Young, but maybe I could talk myself into an extension.

  I found Professor Young in his office and spent over an hour talking to him. I couldn’t make myself tell him the true problem. As a result, I sounded vague and lazy, and he was reluctant to give me an extension. When I got back to the editing room, I sat down and banged my head on the desk. Finally, I decided to watch it one last time from beginning to end before I cut her out completely.

  Chapter 24

  Alexis

  I tried not to turn into crazy, psycho girl after Adam cancelled our gym date. I reminded myself that he was just busy, but my insecurities and imagination were working overtime. I hadn’t seen him since we’d gotten back from the lake. To be fair, we’d both been working late all week. Still I couldn’t help but wonder if he’d been thinking about our camping trip and decided to bail on me.

  I’d had just one boyfriend before Adam. Thomas had been my high school sweetheart. We were an off-and-on couple for more than four years, and during that time he’d provided me with countless examples of why the term ‘sweetheart’ didn’t apply to him. He wasn’t sweet, and after the accident I questioned whether he even had a heart.

  We’d been broken up at the time, but Thomas never missed an opportunity to improve his public perception. He came from a long line of Texas senators, and, even at the young age of 18, he already had political aspirations. While I slept for six weeks, he crafted the story of our reunion, and it was a beautiful one.

  My parents hadn’t told him the extent of my injuries. While I appreciated their respect for my privacy, it would have saved me a lot of heartache if they’d just told him everything from the beginning. He had a vision for his future, and a girlfriend who couldn’t carry on the Daniels’ bloodline wasn’t part of it. Two days after I awoke with him by my side, our reconciliation was over. Now I couldn’t help but worry that I was headed down the same path with Adam. I needed to see for myself where his head was, and I didn’t want to wait until tomorrow morning.

  I texted Carly. Adam’s working late tonight at school. Should I surprise him with dinner? She was at the restaurant and texted back, Absolutely. A man’s gotta eat. Swing by and I’ll fix you up. I’d done exactly that, and now I was making my way up the steps of the Tisch Building. It was getting late so the doors were already locked, and I had to wait for someone to let me in. Luckily, it was only a few minutes before a girl came out, and I was able to sneak in. I felt twice as lucky since the girl wasn’t Caribbean Barbie.

  I had been here only the one time, and it took me a few minutes to figure out where to go. After several unsuccessful attempts, I finally found the long hall with the tiny editing rooms on each side. A light over each door told me whether that room was currently in use. Only two doors were lit up red. A small rectangular window gave me a peek into the room, and I was relieved that I wouldn’t have to knock on the door and possibly interrupt someone other than Adam.

  I would recognize that gorgeous head of hair anywhere. He was hunched over the desk with headphones covering his ears. Since he probably wouldn’t hear me if I knocked, I went ahead and opened the door.

  The wall in front of Adam had four television screens mounted on it. As I stepped into the room, the image that splashed across each of the screens took my breath away. Just as I had watched the unconscious memory play out for the past several months, I watched it now. Only this time, I wasn’t dreaming, and the images paralyzed me.

  There was no noise. It must have been coming only through the headphones, but, at this point, I wasn’t even sure if Adam was still in the room. It was just me and the blonde teenaged girl on the televisions.

  She wasn’t me, but she could have passed for me 10 years ago. She was driving a shiny red convertible sports car that was similar to the only car I’d ever owned. She kept looking up at the sky, which was rapidly darkening. I didn’t have to watch to know what was going to happen. I knew the story well.

  It started to sprinkle, and the little car zipped through a stop sign without stopping. She was singing to herself and didn’t appear to even register the woman standing in a nearby yard that silently yelled at her as she passed. A flash of lightning played across the blonde’s face, and she looked down toward the passenger side floorboard of the car. I couldn’t hear the phone ringing, but I didn’t need to.

  As she approached an intersection, she leaned over to retrieve the phone. She glanced toward the children playing just down the street, but then went back to fishing around for the phone. That damn phone. I wanted to tell her to slow down, to pay attention, but I couldn’t find my voice.

  The car approached another intersection, and my young doppelganger looked quickly in either direction. It was raining harder now. She leaned again toward the passenger seat and peered down toward the floorboard. I knew it continued to ring.

  Then the movie went into slow motion. The blonde was still looking down when the little red car hopped the curb. She’d seen the little kids playing two blocks back; she didn’t see the much smaller girl between the car and the tree. She didn’t see the little girl’s bike or her outstretched hands. She didn’t hear her scream.

  I didn’t hear her scream, and I didn’t hear her mother scream as she ran toward her daughter. My head started to spin as this unfamiliar version of my story brought me to my knees. So much was what I’d seen before, and so much was different. Then the images shifted into something even less familiar and began to flash rapidly.

  The driver, who I wanted to like, but couldn’t, was still in the car, pinned in by bent metal and broken tree limbs. The child lay limp and lifeless on the grass next to the car. The child’s mother was bent over her, sobbing. Her blonde hair was a perfect match to the little girl’s and hung down to obscure the little girl’s bloody face.

  I couldn’t process what I was seeing. I had an instinctual desire to run, but my legs were too heavy to move me. So I continued to watch.

  My heart split wide open as three family members watched the small casket being lowered into the ground. Then the scene abruptly shifted. A man who looked too much like Adam was sitting in a dark, wood-paneled bar. Books lined the walls. He cradled a drink in his hand while he watched an older version of the girl. Though I watched the handsome man on the screen with new and different longing, he looked at her instead. And the expression on his face was chilling.

  I dropped the paper sack containing Adam’s dinner on the floor at my feet. I didn’t hear it hit the ground, but he must have. I was vaguely aware of him turning around, but I could no longer comprehend what was real and what wasn’t.

  I couldn’t breathe. I had to go somewhere else. Anywhere else.

  I found a back door and made it as far as the bushes before I vomited.

  Adam

  Complete and utter failure. I’d been her protector for all of three days, and I was a complete and utter failure.

  I’d only wanted to watch it one more time. I was saying goodbye. She wasn’t Joy. I knew that, of course. She was just a girl from a local acting school who looked a little like Joy, and I’d paid her next to nothing. But she’d become a part of me, and erasing her felt like I was erasing Joy from my life, too.

  Even so, I’d already made up my mind to scrap the whole project. I would take the heat when I didn’t have anything to turn in tomorrow. I was okay with it because it was the only way to make sure that Allie was safe from what I’d created. I knew that eventually she would ask to see what had kept me away for so many nights.

  My decision had come too late. The exa
ct scenario that I was trying to prevent had just played out in front me. I was too stunned to move, and I paused for too long, trying to get a grip on the situation. My stomach was in my throat, and I wanted to be sick.

  Now Allie was gone, and I was sure that she’d just taken my heart with her.

  I went to her apartment because that was the only place that I could think to go. Tony, the doorman, let me in without a second thought. He hadn’t been informed yet of my fall from grace. I banged my fist against her door, but she didn’t answer. I remembered my key. I fished it out of my pocket and stuck it in the lock, but I couldn’t turn it. It felt all wrong, like I was trespassing. In the space of 30 minutes, I’d become an unwelcome stranger.

  I slumped against the wall opposite her door and slid to the floor. I listened for any noise that would give away that she was actually inside, but there was nothing. Time lost meaning as I sat there, replaying the scene in my head. It wasn’t the scene from the movie that was haunting me now. Instead, it was the look on Allie’s face as her world fell apart in front of me.

  I had no idea of where her head was right now. Had she fully comprehended what she’d seen? Did it bring back her memory? Or was she lost somewhere in between, trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together? I didn’t know how the human mind worked. I’d taken entry-level psychology as a freshman, but there hadn’t been a chapter on how the brain reacts when your boyfriend awakens a suppressed memory of you killing his sister. That thought made me sick to my stomach again, but I didn’t know which part was the source of the nausea.