“Not going upside down!” he declares without looking up.
I copy Lani’s pose and she’s right. It is relaxing.
“All that running makes the muscles strong but also tight. That’s why stretching is so important. You could also try pigeon pose.” She demonstrates that, folding one leg under her hip and stretching the other straight out behind her.
I shudder. “No way!” We trade tips until I hear the door open and close, then Holly’s voice from the entryway.
“What’s up?” Her keys jangle. “Besides your feet.”
“Lani’s giving me lessons. She’s good at this,” I answer, coming out of the pose to lean my back against the wall. Lani folds over her legs again and pulls on her toes.
“Thanks. I’m going to look for yoga teaching jobs next year wherever Kyle goes to med school. Hopefully there will be dance reviewing in the area too.”
I’m impressed. I know Lani is now the dance critic for the school newspaper and I know she loves dancing, writing, and yoga. It sounds like she’s figured out a good balance.
“I’m not going anywhere there isn’t dance reviewing,” Kyle states, and it sounds like they’ve had this conversation before.
“We’ll see where you get in,” Lani says, unruffled.
“If I get in anywhere,” Kyle grumbles. Lani rises gracefully from the floor and moves to settle on his lap, winding her arms around his neck. He smacks a loud kiss on her forehead and shifts her closer before returning to his work.
“Matt, what are you doing next year?” I ask. Matt and Lani will be the next to graduate. The rest of us are now juniors.
“Looking for a public policy job in D.C. And waiting for Annika.” He sounds curt.
Annika gives him a tiny smile. “I have enough credits to graduate next December.”
“Get out of here!” Matt sits bolt upright on the sofa and stares at her. “You never told me that!”
She nods happily. “Uh huh! I confirmed with my advisor this week. My international baccalaureate included a lot of extra college credits. A whole semester! Saves my parents buckets of tuition so everyone’s happy.”
“Hell yeah! That’s huge, Anni! That’s three months of long distance instead of eight! You’re so amazing! I knew there was a reason I was in love with you!” He swoops down to roll her into an embrace as she lets out a little squeal.
“What about you two? Lani asks gently, her eyes bounce back and forth between me and Holly.
“Umm.” This is super awkward. “Grad school for me. Surprise!” I go for light.
Holly hovers in the doorway and even from across the room I can feel her tension. She waves a hand in the air vaguely, which is what she does when she doesn’t know what to say. I wish she’d look at me.
I feel a pang. We don’t have what our friends have. We can’t plan for the future. Hell, I’m not even sure I can cross the room and greet her with a kiss. And I want that. I’ve wanted that from the start. I think of Matt’s comment that it took him and Annika months to figure out they were serious about each other and I’m not sure I could handle that. Holly retreats into her room and I close my eyes again, trying to recover the calm I’ve already lost.
“I don’t get why you don’t just talk to her, Noah!”
My sister has a point. I’d give her the same advice, but I can’t seem to take it myself. I sigh and stare out my window as the lights flicker on around campus. It’s getting dark earlier now, even though it’s only October. “I don’t want to upset the delicate balance we have now.“
Rachel snorts. “Bullshit. That’s what they all say. ‘I don’t want to ruin our friendship!’ blah blah blah! But the fact is it’s already ruined.”
My teeth hurt I’m clenching them so hard and Rachel senses my resistance.
“Or changed, at least. You can’t go back and you can’t keep pretending. Noah, come on—You know this already! What’s the worst that can happen if you tell her you’re serious about her?”
I feel panic welling up in me. The worst that can happen? She could say, sorry, no thanks! She could say, that’s not what I want. She could say, I’ll be moving on now…. I don’t know which of those is the worst per se but they would all be unbearable. I’m silent, still wrestling with my anxiety, so Rachel takes pity on me.
“She’s not going to give you up, Noah. She’s waaay too hung up on you. You know she texts me sometimes, just to tell me how great you are?” Rachel laughs and I have to smile because I’m not all that surprised. Holly overflows with enthusiasms and I’m one of them. It awes me. She amazes me.
“Things are pretty good now,” I rationalize. The sex is in fact way better than good and I’m already addicted. Another reason not to rock this boat.
Rachel sighs. “You’re making excuses for being lame and scared.” My sister is unfailingly nice so she must think I need a kick in the pants.
“And they’re not good if you’re so worried and you feel so unsettled. I can guarantee you that she’s feeling unsettled and uncertain too. It would be different if you two were content with hook ups, but you’re not.”
I don’t know what to say to that either. I desperately want to change the subject but that will just confirm everything Rachel has been telling me. That I’m in big trouble.
“So!” she says finally with false heartiness. “How’s school? I mean you still go to classes, right? And whatever happened with that Classics department situation you kept ranting about last year?”
“Yeah, we merged with Philosophy. I don’t like it, but it won’t change any of my requirements. My classes are all fine.” It’s hard to believe how much I cared about that last year. Maybe it really is all about balance. If things were just settled with Holly I’d be happier than I’ve ever been.
If.
My phone beeps and I see Holly is calling me. “Gotta go!” I rush Rachel off the phone before Holly goes to voicemail.
“Hey!”
“Whatcha doing?” She sounds like she’s chewing gum.
“Waiting to see if we’re going to hook up tonight.” There’s a pause and I wonder if I shouldn’t have used that word. Then Holly releases a breath.
“You remember that quiz we gave each other before we became partners?” She sounds thoughtful and I wonder at her mood.
“Of course.” I grip the phone harder, tensing.
“Right. Well, how ‘bout an update? But we have to answer at the same time, okay?”
“That’s hardly fair if you’re asking the questions. You’ll know your answers already.”
“Okay, I’m all about fair so we’ll take turns asking questions.”
Something about the way she says this is making me fidget in my desk chair. Her voice is low and teasing.
“I’ll start.” She doesn’t wait for my response before forging ahead.
“Favorite way to come?”
Heat surges through me.
“Oral,” we both say at the same time, then laugh.
“So far,” I add. Her breathing hitches.
“Your turn,” she says, her voice husky.
“Favorite way to make each other come?”
“Oral!” we both say again. But now I’m not laughing because I’m already hard and wanting her.
“So far,” she adds pointedly before her next question.
“Favorite body part of the other’s?”
I pause. “That’s a hard one, Holl!”
She giggles. “That’s my answer!”
“That was cheesy! And we’re definitely hooking up tonight— I can be there in ten.”
There’s an awkward pause. I never go to her. She always comes to me. I’m pushing a little, testing the waters for the deeper conversation we need to have.
“Not here,” she says finally, no longer laughing.
“Why not?” Do I want to know?
“Everyone’s here tonight—”
“And?”
“It’s awkward—”
“Not for me, but clea
rly it is for you.” I can’t help it. I sound annoyed. I am annoyed.
“It’s…we’re….”
“We’re what?”
“I don’t know!” Her voice rises. “And I don’t want to have to explain it in the morning to all our friends, okay?”
“Got it. See ya then.” I want to hang up before I say anything else, or before I hear anything else.
“Noah—”
I wait in suspense. I want her to say ‘I’m sorry.’ I want her to ask me over there. I want to stumble out of her room tomorrow morning and have to explain it to all our friends. I really want her to tell me that we’re being idiots and of course we’re more than just friends and this is more than just sex.
“Nothing.” She sounds sullen.
I hang up. This, I think, is why we don’t talk.
18
Holly
I’ve had a crap day. After that fight with Noah I was too upset—and too horny—to sleep last night. So I spent hours in imaginary conversations with him, then woke up cranky. A long day of classes and several hours in the tech lab helping students wipe viruses off their laptops didn’t help. Kids should get internet safety classes in school the same way they get sex ed. Anti-virus programs: like condoms for your computer!
By the time I get back to our suite I’m exhausted physically and emotionally. Lani and Kyle wave from the sofa, then return to their books. I dump my heavy bag on the floor near the door, then jump when I hear Noah’s voice. Before I can sneak into my room he and Matt and Annika emerge from the kitchen. He freezes when he sees me while Matt and Annika collect keys and phones off various counters.
“Hey girl!” Annika says. “Is it still windy out? Maybe I need a windbreaker.” They are all dressed in shorts and sneakers. I know Noah likes to run before dinner. I know he likes the route around the reservoir. I know he likes it when I kiss my way down his chest, taking my time as our breathing quickens.
“I don’t know.” I’m still frozen in place, like one of those statues that hold up a doorway.
Annika gives me an odd look before detouring into her room. Matt takes a slug of water from his water bottle and looks between me and Noah speculatively. I know I should say something, anything, but I know it won’t come out right. I can’t fake it.
Noah clears his throat. “I just stopped by to fill a water bottle.”
I nod and study my feet, fidgeting. “You’re allowed to stop by.”
And crap, that’s why I shouldn’t have said anything. Instantly that fight is between us again. My eyes dart to his and they’re narrowed on me. He’s as angry as I’ve ever seen him.
“Gee, thanks,” he snaps.
“We’ll go on ahead,” Matt says, hooking his arm in Annika’s when she returns to the room. They glance back at us over their shoulders and hustle out the door. Kyle and Lani are watching us now too, their expressions puzzled.
I move toward my room, eager to end this very public scene. “See ya then,” I say, because it hurt when he said that last night.
When I get to my room I want to slam my door closed but Noah is right behind me, hands on hips and filling the doorframe.
“What’s the matter with you?”
“What’s the matter with you? You’re the one who hung up on me!” I whirl on him.
“Because you treat me like I’m your booty call! Like you can just call me up for sex whenever you want as long as no one knows about it!” His voice rises as he glares at me.
“Shhhh!” I reach behind him and slam my door shut, though it traps us in a close space.
“That’s what I mean! And who are you fooling? It’s not like they don’t know!”
“We know!” Kyle calls out from the other room.
“Shut up!” Noah and I both shout back, then return to glowering at each other.
“You’re the one who called it a hook up!” My throat is closing and I’m suddenly afraid I might start bawling.
“Because you—” He stops and runs an impatient hand through his hair, leaving it sticking up in places. My heart aches. He turns away from me and takes a deep breath. I can tell that he feels hurt and I want to reassure him.
“You know I love you, right?”
Noah whirls around, fists clenched. “You’ve got to stop saying that, Holly!”
My mouth goes dry. “Wha-at? Why?”
“Because!” His whole body is tense, like he’s struggling with something. “You don’t really mean it! They’re just words you say to keep me at a distance.” His gaze drops to the floor and he looks deflated.
I’m bewildered. “Of course I mean it! We’re…”
He holds up a hand. “Stop. Just stop. You’re making everything worse.”
I know I am but I don’t know why. I try again. “I can come over after your run.”
“No!” He lifts his eyes to scowl at me. “No. More. Sex.” He jabs a finger at me with each word.
Panic floods me. I thought the sex was so good but maybe it isn’t. Maybe I still don’t really know how to do it right. All my insecurities sweep right back in to fill their old spots.
“What?” I whisper, but he’s wrenching open my door.
He’s leaving. He’s breaking up with me, just like Ravi did. Except we weren’t going out and we can’t go back to being just friends, can we? And I can’t lose Noah! I feel a sob rising again. I stand in my open doorway, dimly aware of Lani and Kyle trying not to watch as Noah and I unravel before their eyes.
Noah stomps to the front door, then pauses for a parting shot.
“I’m going on strike!” His eyes narrow at me. “Lysistrata!”
And he’s gone. I blink at the space where he stood, feeling horribly alone. Out of the corner of my eye I see Lani mouth the word “intervention” at Kyle and pick up her phone. Then I stumble backwards into my room, closing the door on the awfulness out there and diving for the covers. There’s no reason to get out of bed any time soon.
“Holly?” It sounds like Lani. There’s a gentle tap on my door, then it opens a crack.
“Go away!” I mumble from under the covers. I’m still mostly asleep and I’d like to keep it that way.
“You gotta get up, girl. You’ve slept through dinner already.” That’s Annika’s brisk voice.
“Not hungry. Get out!” I roll away from the voices but one side of my bed sags as one of them sits down, then the other. I’m trapped. I wrestle with the tangle of covers until my head is clear, pushing my hair out of my face and glaring at them.
“I don’t want an intervention!”
Lani smiles annoyingly. “No one ever wants an intervention.”
“I don’t need an intervention!” I drag myself to sitting just so I have a little more authority here.
Annika snorts. Her gaze moves over me critically. I can imagine what a mess I look after crying and sleeping and sobbing and punching my pillow for several hours. The clothes I wore all day are bunched up and sweaty.
“Have I ever thanked you for taking me on last year, Holly? For being my first friend here at Carlyle?”
I blink at the sudden softness in Annika’s voice. When we started the Extra Credit class no one liked her.
“Have I ever thanked you for the intervention that got me and Kyle through that rough patch? and the awesome road trip playlist and the birthday cake and everything else?” Lani tilts her head, still smiling slightly. I look from one to the other.
“You can thank me by leaving me alone,” I try hopefully.
“Nope,” Annika says. Then she reaches for a tray she had set down on my desk. “But we brought you soup and tea.”
She passes me a bowl and a spoon, looking pleased with herself. The soup is a purplish red. I sniff it suspiciously.
“It’s borscht! I made it myself!”
“Uh. Thanks,” I say, gathering my courage and dipping a spoon into the thick stuff.
“And this is chamomile tea. It’s calming. I’ll hold it till you have hands free,” Lani adds, settling in
on my other side. I glance between them. Clearly these are their comfort foods. In an ideal world they’d have brought me an In N’ Out burger, but I know they mean well. I swallow some soup and it’s not awful.
“Please tell me you’re not going to spring Noah on me right now! I’m not ready.” I feel my tension rising again and brace myself.
“No worries. We’re just here to talk and sympathize.” Lani sounds soothing.
“And smack some sense into you.” Annika grins. Lani shoots her a warning look.
“It’s not my fault.” I wince at how whiny I sound.
Lani makes a neutral sound. “What’s going on?”
“You know—”
“Tell us yourself.”
Damn if she isn’t good at this!
I slump a little. This is going to suck. “He thinks I use him for sex.”
“Do you?” Annika gives me a sharp look.
“No! I love Noah. He’s my best friend. He’s….” I don’t know how to describe my overwhelming feelings for Noah or how to label all the things he is to me.
“Have you told him that?” Now it’s Lani who sounds stern.
“I tell him all the time! Today he told me I had to stop.” I sniffle.
They exchange a look. “Holly, you’re not still saying ‘you know I love you, right?’” I must look confused because they both groan.
“That makes it sound casual,” Lani explains. “It’s dismissive. Like your feelings are obvious and not worth saying. I don’t think it’s obvious at all to Noah that you love him, or not the way he wants you to. And you’ve been saying that practically since you first met him so that has nothing to do with sex or whatever’s changed between you. Saying that brings you backwards, not forwards.”
“How does he want me to love him?” I whisper. I’m stuck on that part because I think I always get this wrong. I inhale and brave saying the words out loud. “I think I’m bad at sex.”
Annika frowns and asks “why?” just as Lani says “this isn’t about sex.”
We all look at each other, wondering who should go first. I guess that would be me. I study my blanket closely and smooth out the wrinkles over my lap.
The Lesson Plan (Extra Credit #3) Page 9