by Devin Sawyer
I’m not sure why he’s angry with me. I mean, I have a few ideas, but none that are worth the current glare. I meet his eyes, letting him know I’m well aware of his stare, not one to back down or continue to ignore it. Only, in that moment I meet them, his eyes soften for just a moment before he looks away. I’m not sure what to make of that.
Eventually the conversation turns to him, and his announcement to run for senate. He talks about the events he plans to attend this week, a few of the dinners we are expected to accompany him to and eventually about his policies, his desires for the office. He loses himself in this. You can tell it’s something he hasn’t lost his passion for over the years. You can tell he wants to create change and I no longer feel or see the tension he was carrying just moments earlier.
William and Emily talk about their most recent vacation they took to Egypt. They talk endlessly about seeing the pyramids and tombs, how knowledgeable their guide was, and how awful it was that they had to leave a tip for everything from using the bathroom to being handed an item. They go back and forth between discussing the beautifully rich biblical history and their experiences in the Sinai Desert and at the Red Sea to bashing the poverty-stricken residents and the peddlers looking to make a living. Egypt sounds like a wonderful place to visit and I’m enthralled with many of their tales, but it takes everything I have to not scold them when they start into their bashing. They sound so entitled as they talk about their excursion.
We sit around the table for almost two hours, eating and drinking, when finally Reece explains we had a long flight and need a good night’s rest. I exit with him, thanking his parents for the dinner, and swiftly follow behind Reece. When we’ve made it up to the room I’m staying in, he heads over to the window and looks down to where we just ate. I lean over him to see what he’s watching for, but all I see is his parents and Lawson still having dinner. Reece spins around and kisses me firmly, quickly jutting his tongue out over my own. I can instantly feel his intentions in his desperate kiss, his roaming hands, and another body part of him pressing against my abdomen.
I immediately pull my top off and throw it on the bed, knowing we don’t have much time. He takes that opportunity to ogle my chest for a half second before pulling my bra down and wrapping his lips around my nipple. A groan escapes me. We are rushed and prying at one another, frantic for our connection that we have been made to feel ashamed of for most of the evening. I am reminded that Reece doesn’t care, that Reece only cares about me, and I feel powerful in that. I begin stripping him as well, pulling his shirt off doesn’t seem to deter him from my breasts for longer than it takes to get the shirt past his mouth. I unzip him and unsheathe his length into my hands feeling his hardness. I begin to kick my own pencil skirt off. He walks me backward into the wall and I pump at his length, turned on by the rush of our act. When he gets me there, he places one of my legs up at the end of the bed. He hasn’t moved his lips from my skin, not even bothering to lift them to go from one spot to another, merely dragging them across my body wherever he wants them to be. With one hand, he pulls my underwear to the side and places himself at my entrance. My breathing is faster, my skin feels like it’s aflame and it feels as if our rustling goes quiet just for the half second of anticipation.
He finally begins pushing into me and I want to collapse down on to him with how good he feels. The pressure of him thrusting slowly and forcefully into me is so sexy. I run my fingers down his hard chest and down to his stomach where I rub his lightly toned abs as he continues to drive into me, and then finally I find my way down to where we are joined. I feel him wet with me, and then myself. He loves this and I know it. He groans as I begin to touch myself. I love his groans when we make love. He’s not a talker, but that doesn’t mean he’s quiet. Our heavy breathing fills the room and I bump into the wall with each of his thrusts deep into me. We aren’t close enough to the window to know if his family has made their way inside and something about that sets me off. I moan lightly, my appreciation for the way he worships me. I feel myself start to tense in my core and I know how close I am. I meet his thrusts back as best as I can against the wall and quicken the pace only slightly to meet my need, and that does it. I fall to pieces around him, unable to hold up my own weight as I peak. As soon as I’m finished coming down, Reece pulls out and lowers me and spins me to face the wall. I lean into it and he pushes into me from behind. The sensation feels fuller and I can still appreciate how good he makes me feel even after just orgasming. Within seconds he finds his own release, pumping into me until he is emptied.
His heavy breathing is labored and he finally pulls from me. He spins me again and kisses me deeply, resting his forehead to mine when he’s satisfied.
“I love you. Thank you for coming. I’d be miserable here without you with only talk of Lawson happening all week.”
I give him a peck back. “I’d do anything for you. Now get to bed.”
I swat at him and he grins a boyish smile at me and pulls his pants on before promising to get me in the morning and then sneaking from my room. I dress in my pajama shorts and tank top and run to the restroom that separates my room from Lawson’s. It’s a large bathroom, ridiculous really. His parents have spared no cost on their home. I clean myself up and brush my teeth before returning to my lonely room. I flick off the light and crawl under the sheets to my bed.
I am completely exhausted from our trip and am ready to get a full night’s sleep. Knowing I don’t have to be up early for anything is the only comforting feeling about this trip. I roll over onto my side and nestle down into my sheets. A stream of light floods the room only a minute later as I’m drifting, and I know that Reece has snuck back into the room to hold me while I sleep.
I roll over but find Lawson standing at the door. I’m almost positive this is how I go out. All those psychopathic cocktails finally did him in. He stares at me, a blank look on his face. I’m not sure what to make of it. I’m not sure why he’s here and I’m not sure if I should be kicking him out right now but I stay silent, waiting for him to provide his own explanation.
“I just… I just needed to talk to you.” I nod in understanding.
CHAPTER 5 – PRESENT
“Yeah, come in. Shut the door behind you,” I rush him. Not wanting Reece to see. Not that what we are doing is wrong, but it just would probably be better if Reece were present and it weren’t happening in a bedroom… at night. But I knew this would happen. I knew that Lawson and I would need to have this talk at some point. I was just hoping it wouldn’t be the first night.
Lawson eases into the room, slowly. He’s hesitant and confused and I can see it all over his face. He searches the room deciding where to settle and he chooses a chair that’s next to the bed.
He runs his hands along his face like he’s had a long day. “Why’d you come?” he asks flatly.
“I… I was invited,” I tell him, although the invite came from Reece and not his family. “We had to face this eventually,” I continue. “I’ve been with Reece for three years.” I see him process this and eventually nod silently.
“Yeah. Yeah. It’s just strange, ya know?”
“Yeah. I know. How have you been? Your campaign sounds strong. I’m sure there are many constituents excited to officially hear your announcement.”
“Good. I’ve been good. The campaign is shaping up well. I still have my place in Columbia, but we are thinking Charleston will have more media coverage and of course most of the state’s major stakeholders reside here so I plan to move out here for the next year during the campaign, and possibly indefinitely. I bought a condo that should be ready the first of the month. What about you? I hear you never went to law school.” I wasn’t sure how much he really knew. I doubt I was a main talking point but I’m sure the basics were discussed.
“No. I didn’t. I switched my major to nursing. Did another year of college in order to get it, and now I work at the public district hospital in the ER. I’m doing some online classes to get a hea
lthcare administration master’s, so I can make a bigger difference. I get to work with a lot of the immigrants or underprivileged in the area. We work closely with the lawyers and judges when they come through our system to get them the care and support they need.”
“You could have been one of those lawyers, or even one of the judges if you wanted.” He reminds me of the life I gave up.
“Yes, well…. Politics is an ugly game.” I don’t say it rudely. I just remind him that I was never impressed with the way the law had a hold over him.
“It doesn’t have to be,” he says under his breath and I wonder why we are talking about this.
“Yeah. It seems like it always does. Is that what you came in here for? To talk about my missed opportunities?” I ask from bed still.
“No.” He rubs his hand down his face like he’s distraught. He looks like he doesn’t know what he’s doing here. “I needed to know why you did it. Why you left.” His eyes connect with mine and I feel a slight tug at my chest.
I see it now. The guise of anger drops and I no longer see hardness, but anguish and they are hard to tell apart. His face has little telltales of the difference. His eyes slightly more squinted, his brow more furrowed, and then there is the way he is biting his lip. I hurt for him the way I hurt for my own pain all those years ago when I packed up and left him behind.
I take a deep breath. I ghosted him. Before ghosting someone was even a thing.
“I couldn’t take it anymore.” I let out a sigh, finally saying the things I knew I would have to. “We weren’t right together. You had to know that. We were tumultuous, dangerous even. Everyone saw it but us.” I take a deep breath, feeling like I’m dropping too much on him at once.
“And Reece? Things are right with him?” he asks confused and a little judgmentally. I pull my legs out from under the covers and sit up with them dangling off the side of the bed so I can face him.
“Yeah. They are. The pressure isn’t there with us the way it was for you and me. We are a team. It wasn’t done as a revenge move, Lawson. You have to know that.”
“I know that. I never thought that. You aren’t the type, but I also didn’t think you were the type to up and move across the county without a word as to why. That was a low move. Then I find out a couple years ago after returning from duty that I have a voicemail from Reece, and he needs to tell me something. I guess you know how that ends though.” A little bite is back to his tone and I remember how quickly he can go from one to a hundred when his emotions are involved. It’s attractive, and scary at the same time.
“That wasn’t fair. It wasn’t even smart.” I try to tell him emphatically that the way I acted was childish. “What do you mean back from duty?” I question.
“The reserves. I joined. I’m out now but I served under the judge advocate general department for a little over four years doing legal consults,” he says while pacing, clearly unsure what to do with his nervous energy and frustration.
How had I not known at all that Lawson joined the military? Reece never mentioned it. Not that we spend much time talking about Lawson. It always made things awkward.
“Reece didn’t even know I joined. It’s only a few weekends a month spent doing training and on duty. The rest of the time I was back in Columbia, with the firm.” My head feels like it’s spinning. Lawson had never spoken about having any interest in joining the military. “It’s ironic that you two found each other there, no?”
“Yes, I fought it for a long time. I didn’t like the idea of it at all at first, but it just got harder to deny that there were feelings there.”
“And what about in the beginning?”
“It was an impulsive decision. I’m not sure I even planned on staying there, I just needed space and time to think, and the farther removed I was from us the more I saw how wrong we were, and I just… stayed.”
“You just stayed?!” he whisper-yells it as if in an attempt to hide it from Reece who is only two rooms down and I am reminded that he probably shouldn’t be in here. We shouldn’t be alone. He stands and paces across the room. “You just up and moved to Portland and what? Figured that joke of an email you sent would suffice?”
“Even your parents couldn’t stand it. Hell, especially your parents.”
His eyes shoot to mine from the place on the floor they were just staring at. Yeah. He didn’t know I knew about that. He probably assumed. It’s not as if they had been quiet in their quarreling about him dating the nice Turkish girl.
“You cared what they thought… and they were right. If you planned to run with the platform you have now, with me by your side, you never would have a shot at winning. Immigration is a major discussion in this country, and I would have created more controversy that wouldn’t allow anyone to focus on your issues. The part that hurt was that you were okay with it.” A deep sigh. I should have said that to him years ago. It felt good to let him know I knew.
“Okay with it? What makes you think I was okay with it?” He sounds exasperated.
“You didn’t fight it. I wanted someone to fight for me. I’m not sure what you want me to say, Lawson. I wish I had something that I could provide you, but I was just exhausted. We were exhausting, and I didn’t want to do it anymore. I knew if I came back, we would just do it all over again. That’s who we were. I needed to start over. People break up. They end. They move on.”
“You don’t believe that,” he insists. He kneels in front of me and it’s the closest we have been in five years. I feel uncomfortable and a little frightened of him. The smell of his scotch emanates off of him, his body—tall and commanding still demands the attention of anyone in a room. “You. Don’t. Believe. That.” His hands are flexing by his side, and his voice shakes. “We spent that night together.” His breath is heavy and I sit so still, afraid to move toward him or away from him, afraid to break the moment, wanting him to have the chance to take out his emotions on me. “We fought. But we made up.”
My cheeks flush at the memory of us fighting and falling in love, wrapped in the sheets of his bed.
“Yes, we made up a lot. But that night, I was saying goodbye, Lawson. I wasn’t making up. I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you what I was going through or thinking because I didn’t really understand it myself until I was in Portland.”
I reach out and touch him so light I can barely feel it over the lapels of his suit. His own hand comes up and covers mine and holds it there as he stands before me. We are no longer eye level and it’s even more intimidating to be staring up at him. His thumb rubs along the back of my own hand. His hand is large and warm and for a second I remember this hand like it was yesterday. I remember holding it, and the way it felt running over my body. I remember the pain these hands hold, and I pull away from him. He clearly was less ready for the break in contact because his hand then lingers at my chin and he holds my head up to look at him and gently caresses my cheek.
“I’m not sure I can forgive you,” he says, his voice deep, disrupting the quiet silence we were just in. His hand pulls from my face and he looks off to his side, breaking the old connection.
“I understand. I wouldn’t expect you to. I just want to be with Reece, and I don’t want it to be a forbidden topic anymore. I wanted to face this straight on. I promise not to infiltrate your life with reminders, but I just felt like it was time.”
He nods his head. “Goodnight, Farah,” is all I get as he slumps out of the room looking more distraught than he had before he entered.
CHAPTER 6 – PAST
I see Lawson every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday as I’m moving from one class to another. More than a month into classes He, Grant, and Finn are always lingering around the courtyard which I can’t avoid on that specific trek. Usually one of them will call out to me or approach me, usually it’s Lawson. There’s nothing like trying to fly under the radar as a new girl and being pegged by the it boy of your new college. I wasn’t even sure any of them ever attended class. I never saw them with as much as a
book or notepad in their possession. Today, they can be found circling two other girls like hyenas. Finn seems unimpressed with Grant and Lawson’s tactics, but he merely follows, entertaining their ridiculous antics. I laugh from afar when Finn catches me, eyeing him. He then chooses to abort the previous mission and heads over to me.
“Hey,” he says casually as he jogs over to where I’m walking across the campus.
“Hey,” I say calmly back. “Looks like quite the excitement over there.” I nod over to where Lawson, Grant, and the two other girls still stand and briefly watch their banter.
“How ever do you pull yourself away?” I ask in a faked southern accent.
“Well, my lady, you see, it’s as simple as finding better company.” He matches my southern accent with a deeper version of his own and I laugh at him. “Let me carry your bag. I’ll take you to your next class.”
Before I can deny him, he’s already pulling the straps off of me and I decide to concede. I lead him toward my judicial processes class and we talk comfortably, and Finn gives me some tips about being active in class and sitting in the front. Dr. Lawrence picks favorites according to him and you have to be really involved.
“So, Lawson—is he always like that?” I change the topic and eye Lawson down the courtyard a mere speck, but I can still tell he’s speaking to the other girls. Finn laughs at that.