by Devin Sawyer
“Yeah, I’m hoping one of us can break through to him before the infection becomes septic and he dies from it. Then my favorite patient was in today too.”
“I thought you weren’t supposed to favor patients?” he asks jokingly.
“Of course I have favorites! He’s admitted to the hospital multiple times a month and his heart condition is just getting worse. He’s probably ready to go on hospice care. They can do a lot for him and offer him a lot of support, but I don’t think he’s ready for that just yet. I’m hoping while he’s here this time, we can really educate him a little better at everything hospice can do for him. It doesn’t mean you’re dying right here, right now anymore and they can offer him a lot of pain relief. I’m hoping we can break through to him.”
“Man, I know you love your patients, but I don’t know how you do it every day. That shit is so rough. I don’t understand how you enjoy it.”
“I do enjoy it. I’ve always wanted to help people, the how has changed over the years, but the littlest things bring people joy when they are in crummy situations, when they are scared. A light joke can ease the tension, a comforting hand will give someone strength, and a smile will give them motivation. It’s beautiful really.”
“You’re beautiful,” he tells me matter-of-factly, without even looking up from the meal he is cooking. I still flush hearing the words, the way he still swoons over me, makes me feel the same thing right back for him and I immediately remember the text Lawson sent earlier today and the guilt associated with it.
I pull my phone out and pull the text up and decide to reply.
I’m not sure what you’re playing at, but it needs to stop. Reece and I plan to come back to Charleston for Easter this year, and I’m willing to forget everything if we can just move on and pretend it didn’t happen, for the sake of y’all’s family.
I hope he feels the assertive tone I attempt to express to him. I had missed Lawson all of these years. There is no doubt, and I don’t feel guilty for those feelings. I had as much expressed them to Reece on our trip. However, I was not expecting to develop new ones. They are mild, but they are there and the wrongness of that is exhausting me. I don’t receive a text immediately back and I hope it’s resolved.
Reece and I have dinner at the table, and he tells me a little about what he’s planning for his pitch next week. He has this project in the bag. I decide to take my next promotion more seriously too. Maybe with some luck, by the time Reece puts in all this hard work on the restaurant which I fully expect to take a year to complete, I’ll be applying for the clinic position. Once I get settled into it, maybe we really will start discussing a family, and maybe we won’t. Maybe we will just be a really fun, childless, couple forever. I’m okay with that too.
While Reece showers, I lie in bed and try to search for our next vacation. Despite having just taken a week off work, nothing about that trip felt like a refreshing week away. I need a vacation from that vacation. Hawaii is expensive, but it’s not a bad flight from where we are. Alaska is already too cold this time of year. Maybe California, or maybe Florida and we can drive up to see my mom and dad for a night or two.
The phone buzzes in my hand. Why would I choose to forget, when I just remembered what it felt like?
Heat fills my body. Rage. Why is he doing this? Why would he do this to Reece? I feel a bit of disgust toward him and I decide it’s best if I just quit responding. I block his number, knowing this is best for now. I only unblocked right before our Charleston trip.
I stand from the bed and walk into our kitchen, pouring myself another glass of wine and toss it back in a few gulps. I never drink more than one glass when I have to work a shift the next day. My breathing steadies, and the alcohol works quickly to calm my nerves. I walk back to the bedroom and find Reece, exiting the bathroom, towel wrapped around his waist. He eyes me, clearly wondering about the distressed look I must obviously be wearing on my face. I march over to him, noticing the beads of water still on his chest and I brashly pull his face to my own until our lips are melded together. He takes only a second to react, circling his arm around my waist and leading me toward the bed. I love this man and everything he stands for. I love how good he is to me and from the day he convinced me to fall for him I have not regretted a second of it. I could never say that for Lawson.
CHAPTER 18 – PAST
The rest of the semester flies by. Between final exams, and desperately trying to keep Cher in control and not drop down on all of my newly acclaimed haters, I’m ready for the break. I’ve agreed to go to Lawson’s home for a few days during the break to see his childhood home, check out Charleston for the first time, and attend Reece’s graduation from his culinary school. When I met his family back at Thanksgiving, my relationship with Lawson was unclear, and I’m thinking that this visit we will be able to provide a little clarity for them.
From Charleston, I’ll fly straight home and I have to say I’m definitely ready to see both of my parents. When I was in boarding school, I was close enough to drive home on weekends, and I stayed at home for my first few years of college, so this is easily the longest I’ve been away from them.
When we drive up to his family home, my jaw wants to drop open. It’s gorgeous. A beautifully restored aged brick building sits amid meticulously manicured gardens with an ocean backdrop. Its grandiose nature reminds me of my own childhood home in Turkey. It too was made of brick and stone with walled gardens encompassing exotic plants and shrubs. Tall ceilings, wide windows and colorful silk curtains that swayed in the breeze. The home my parents now live in is a far cry from the one in front of me and the one from my youth. It’s modest in a good part of town, but nothing extravagant like this. In our move to America, my dad’s money did not stretch as far.
Lawson gives me the tour when we arrive, and we discover that his parents are not home. He takes the opportunity to show me his bedroom, in detail, as in every inch of his bed. After he’s shown me the home, he grabs a bottle of wine for me and a beer for himself and he sets us up on the porch looking out at the water. It feels perfect here. I can see myself having a life just like this, beachfront, drinking on the porch at the end of the day with Lawson. I actually hate that I have to go home in two days but make a mental note to convince Lawson to bring me around more. After a while, we hear someone come in the front door and Lawson hollers that we are out on the back porch. It’s a little cool but I’m bundled up in a blanket. I sit up a little straighter expecting it to be his parents but when we find it’s Reece, we both relax a little knowing we have a little more time before they come home.
“Hey little bro.” Lawson stands from his chair and brings Reece in for a hug.
“When did the two of y’all get into town?”
“Just earlier today. Only been here a few hours.”
“Hi Reece, Congratulations on your graduation! That’s so exciting.”
“Haven’t graduated yet.” He jokes, “They still have time to kick me out of the program.”
“What are your next plans?” I ask him.
“I’m not sure. I’ll probably get a job in the area for now. Just to get some experience under my belt. Do the whole seafood thing, you know? Speaking of dinner, I’m starving. Y’all want to go out to Tavern and Table or one of the restaurants on the pier? We should probably eat inside though, it’s kind of cold out here, but they have the Christmas lights up and some chick I took out last week said it looked romantic, so y’all might appreciate it.”
“Yeah, I’m hungry too,” I say speaking to Lawson, hoping he’s agreeable.
“Let’s go then.”
“Should we call your parents? Maybe we can meet them there? Or bring something back for them.”
“Na. Mom and Dad are probably out doing their own thing. Dad’s at some work event and Mom’s… I don’t know what Mom’s doing.”
“I thought your dad was retired?”
“Politicians never retire. They just vacation a little more,” Reece answers.
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We have dinner at the pier and Reece is right, the Christmas lights are romantic. I also have one of the best meals of my life and we spend a few hours just getting to know each other better and letting Lawson catch up with his brother. As we are leaving, I make Lawson promise to bring me here every time we come to Charleston and I don’t miss the side-eye I catch from Reece.
“So y’all are talking about coming back down?” Reece says, unsure of himself.
“Well, sure. Why wouldn’t we?” I ask a little confused and notice Lawson has grown incredibly quiet.
“I just… Lawson hasn’t…” I can tell Reece is suddenly struggling and Lawson is staring quite intently. “I’ve just not met many of Lawson’s girlfriends. Unless you count Veronica.”
“And Veronica doesn’t really count,” Lawson butts in.
“Why doesn’t she count?” I ask.
“Because she’s not real. She’s practically a figment of my parents’ senatorial imagination. She fits the bill, and that’s it. She’s Mom but forty years ago.”
“Well, it’s not like they can force you to marry her,” I joke but the look on Lawson’s face tells me he’s less convinced and the mood between the three of us sours a bit on the drive back to their home.
I’m sure every set of parents had an idea of who they would like their child to date, that just shows they care enough to put thought into it and the Calhoun family has a big name to live up to.
When we pull into the drive, I notice vehicles that weren’t here earlier. I kind of regret staying out later than planned and not getting to spend time with Mr. and Mrs. Calhoun. As we approach the door, I reach for Lawson’s hand, suddenly feeling a bit of nerves. I immediately spot Mrs. Calhoun sitting on the sofa, and I assume the body tucked behind the massive spread open newspaper is Mr. Calhoun. I’m proven right when he sets it down on the coffee table in front of him.
“Farah, dear. Hello. I wasn’t aware you were joining us this weekend,” Mrs. Calhoun states.
My eyes immediately fly up to Lawson as if to say, ‘How the fuck did you forget to tell your parents this.’
“I told you I was bringing someone last week, Mom,” Lawson explains.
“Oh yes dear, I just thought you might have meant Finn or Grant.”
“Their parents literally live here, I don’t ever have to bring them home.”
“Right. Well, that’s all fine. I can have the middle bedroom upstairs made for you.”
I nod politely. I had been staying in the same room as Lawson but not wanting to disrespect his mom, I agree. Her tone seems a little clipped, but it’s possible she just had a long day.
“Lawson, have you spoken to the Lawrence family lately?” his dad pipes in without registering my existence or the conversation that just occurred.
“If by the Lawrence family you mean Veronica, no I haven’t. Although we were just speaking about her earlier.”
“Lovely girl,” his mother comments and I suddenly feel awkward as hell being here. I’m not real sure why she would bring up Lawson’s ex in front of me and despite painting on some false confidence, my pride is a little wounded.
“Yeah, if by lovely you mean someone whose most important decision of the day is what color outfit she will wear, then yes, she’s a magnificent girl,” Reece deadpans and Lawson laughs but I try my best not to break a smile.
“Farah, would you mind if Lawson’s father and I had a quick word with him? We haven’t seen him since Thanksgiving, and we’d like to do some quick catching up.”
“Not at all Mr. and Mrs. Calhoun. I’m sorry we didn’t give you more heads up about my attendance.”
“Not to worry, dear. Reece, please get Farah settled upstairs.”
The room is eerily quiet as Reece and I make our way up the stairs, and I watch on as Lawson plops down on the couch in front of his parents. He looks awfully defeated and I don’t really want to leave him.
When we pass Lawson’s room, I have Reece wait up while I dip in and grab my bag that I had placed in there earlier and then follow Reece past the restroom and to another bedroom. I’m not sure what his mom meant by ‘have the room made up for you’ because it literally looks in pristine condition.
“Here you go. There are towels in the cabinets of the bathroom if you want to shower. Don’t use the ones Mom has hanging because those are her good towels. Otherwise if you need me, I’m all the way at the end of the hall.”
“Thanks. Do they always do this with Lawson?” I ask, trying to understand everyone’s tense mood downstairs.
Reece shrugs. “Yeah. Here and there. I’m sure they just have to update Lawson on the latest in the world of politics. They could be down there a while so just make yourself comfortable.” Reece doesn’t sound very convincing, but I just nod my head at him and smile anyway because I can at least appreciate that he’s trying to put me at ease.
When he closes the door behind him, I unpack my bag and head into the bathroom to shower and brush my teeth before bed. When Lawson still hasn’t made his way up, I decide to read a book I packed, but have trouble getting into it. It’s been over an hour and I’m starting to doze off, waiting when I bustle awake from hearing a door slam. I uncover myself and peek out my door and notice that Lawson’s room is now shut. I haven’t seen Lawson angry before and I’m not sure what his parents said that has him so up in arms, but I debate if I should remain in my room or go to check on him. I give it a few minutes but ultimately decide I don’t want to wait until tomorrow to find out what’s going on. I tiptoe to his door and knock as lightly as possible and turn the door handle. Lawson is standing in his room with his shirt off and he’s pacing.
“Hey, what’s going on? Is everything okay?” I ask, rushing over and soothing my hand over his chest. He shakes me off and continues to pace.
“It’s fine. Just parent stuff,” he says uncomfortably, and it’s obvious he’s holding back.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not really. You wouldn’t understand. I’ll just see you in the morning,” he says dismissively.
“I wouldn’t understand parent stuff?” I push.
“You wouldn’t understand my kind of parent stuff,” he retorts.
His short and blunt answers rub me the wrong way and I don’t want to alienate him further when I’m staying in his family’s home.
“Okay, I’ll just… see you in the morning I guess,” I say lamely.
He must sense my anxiety because he stops me and pulls me in, kissing me hard. It lacks his usual softness, the passion, but I feel like he’s trying to tell me something nonetheless and I take it in and let him vent his frustration on my lips and tongue.
When he pulls away, he does seem the slightest bit softer and I hope that in some way, me being here helped, but I’m not convinced of that.
“Goodnight Farah,” he says.
“Goodnight Lawson.”
I walk back to the guest room slowly and hesitantly, trying to process what has him so upset and why he’s acting like a damn maniac. None of it makes sense and I suddenly feel very vulnerable. Tears threaten my eyes, but I hold them back, not even knowing why I’m really upset. It’s just a gut feeling, an instinct, that something is off, and I pray that I wake up tomorrow and that feeling is gone.
~
I wake up with the sun but decide it’s best to stay put in my room until Lawson comes for me. I can hear Reece out in the hall, and I peek out looking at him tripping over the arm full of stuff he’s carrying. His graduation cap is on his head, tassel flying around and in his arms, he carries his gown, a set of clothes, and a pair of shoes. I can see a tie hanging from somewhere in there but most everything looks like a jumbled mess. I snort out a laugh as the tie slips from his grip again, falling to the floor. Reece’s bewildered face finds mine, peeking through a cracked door.
“Oh, so you’re just going to laugh at me, rather than lend a helping hand, huh?” he asks.
I slip out the door, still smiling at his playfu
l demeanor and bend at his feet to pick up the tie he dropped. I spend a second rearranging some of the things in his hands and smoothing his clothes so they don’t get wrinkled. I become increasingly aware that I’m standing out in the hall in nothing but my skimpy pajama shorts and an oversized tee without a bra on. I attempt to push my shoulders forward in the attempt to keep the T-shirt away from my bare breasts without Reece noticing.
“Are you nervous?” I ask him.
“Not really. Just another day. I’m more excited to get a job and get working so I can have some money to get out of this shit hole.”
“You don’t like Charleston?” I ask, surprised.
He shrugs.
“It’s okay. It’s just all I’ve ever known and after a while that gets boring. I picked a career that could purposefully take me all over the world. Who knows, maybe I even have a French cooking school in my future.”
“That would be amazing. I’ve heard France is beautiful,” I say, tucking the funky printed dress socks he is packing into his loafers.
“It’s not the only thing,” Reece says, and I look up to find him staring at me. After a pregnant pause, he carries on as if nothing were said. “Well, better get going. Can’t be late for graduation. See y’all there.”
With that, Reece rushes around me and flies down the stairs. Lawson’s door cracks open and I see him stumble out.
“Good morning,” I say, feeling awkward.
“Morning,” he yawns out. “Want to grab breakfast before we head to the school?” I hope it’s a peace offering after last night and so I give him an endearing smile.
Our breakfast is amicable. Lawson doesn’t address the previous night at all or what had him so worked up. However, he kisses my cheek after we order our meals and compliments the outfit I picked out to wear to the graduation and seems to have moved on from whatever it was.
The restaurant is busy, likely with many graduate’s families and our food takes a little longer than we expected. We rush through eating and head straight for the school, but I can tell by the way his phone pings every few minutes that someone is texting him frantically and I know better than to ask if it’s his parents.