Sam cut into my thoughts. “Going home just isn’t an option for me. I’m not risking setting myself back after all the work I’ve put into getting well.”
I couldn’t have agreed with her more. “I don’t blame you.” Still, it was a shame that, on top of everything else, he took away the feeling of comfort and belonging that should’ve accompanied thoughts of visiting her childhood home. Instead, the idea of going back to see her parents carried a sense of dread.
Not a day went by that I didn’t wish I’d been there to protect her. There was a sense of shame that I’d always felt when it came to this particular situation. Did I know what was going to happen to her that night? No. But if I’d handled things differently where my family situation was concerned, Sam never would’ve been so irrational when it came to finding Reina in my room, and she never would’ve even been in contact with Antonio. If I’d been honest, trusted her more, things may have turned out very differently.
“Okay, new subject.” Sam said, forcing a smile that I didn’t return, blaming myself for her sudden loss of artistic motivation when she released a heavy sigh. “You hungry?” she asked.
I shook my head ‘no’ and she forced another smile. “Then I’m gonna go shower off some of this paint.” I watched as she dropped the brushes she’d used in a jar filled with water, turning it a deep shade of turquoise. “Make yourself comfortable.”
I nodded as she left the room and then closed the bathroom door behind her. My mind was still on our conversation about Antonio as I wandered out of Sam’s studio and into the living room where I stood beside the window.
It became clear to me how broken she still was despite her efforts to hide it. That need to be a protector was still a very dominant feeling that I harbored when it came to her, which I knew signified something deeper, but I wasn’t in the mood to admit it.
In this moment of solitude and silence I evaluated our circumstances and the prognosis didn’t look good no matter what angle I looked at it from. While her relationship was already over, mine was on the path to deepening. I chuffed a sigh and shoved my hands in my pocket while I watched a young couple laughing as they rushed to a cab that’d seen them at the last minute. Once upon a time, not too long ago in fact, my own life was that simple – that clear-cut. Kira was my future and I was happy knowing that was how my story would end. But then, out of nowhere, my world was thrown off kilter, and, long story short, I found myself here – in a situation where my feelings were caught up in another woman and my future with Kira was becoming more and more foggy. With my upcoming trip back to Fairfax in five short days, how was I supposed to even face Kira knowing how I’d been behaving in her absence?
“What are you doing here?” I asked myself aloud. My timing couldn’t have been any worse, and I was so caught up that I couldn’t even figure out what to do next. This morning, waking up beside Sam, and with all the commotion with Angel finding us, I’d somehow managed to escape the questions, fears, and uncertainty that eventually chased me down.
I knew I shouldn’t have left her my number. I knew I shouldn’t have picked up when she called that first time. I knew I shouldn’t have invited her out. I knew I shouldn’t have wanted her as badly as I did when I showed up at her door. However, I was guilty of all these things and I was pretty sure that I’d stepped onto a slippery slope of making countless other questionable decisions because that’s what she does to me. I feel undone when she’s near me, or even just thinking about her. For that reason, I passed on the idea to leave her a note while she showered, letting her know that I’d gone home and that we shouldn’t talk anymore. Instead, when she came out of the bathroom wearing a robe, I was still standing there at the window.
“Nothing on TV you wanted to watch?” she asked. When I turned around, she was clutching her shower cap and standing there looking as sweet an innocent as I’d ever seen her.
How am I supposed to walk away from her? I knew that I should, but…
On cue, she smiled and melted my heart just a little more. “Everything okay?” she asked.
The truth? No, everything was the opposite of okay. I was standing in the wrong apartment, having feelings for the wrong woman. “Everything’s fine,” I lied.
The flicker in her eyes led me to believe that she didn’t believe me, but she didn’t speak on it. Her expression dimmed a little and she pulled her robe tighter. “Well…I’m gonna go get dressed,” she said sheepishly. “Be right back.”
I nodded and waited until I was alone again to turn back toward the window and finish my thought, hoping to extinguish the last bit of guilt before she returned – a task that I knew was impossible before I even tried.
This time when she came back into the room, I managed to hide the distress a little better than before. She sat beside me on the couch wearing a pair of Sponge-Bob pajama pants and a gray fitted t-shirt that showed where her robe peeked open at the top. It dawned on me that she came out wearing layers to let me know she didn’t want to have sex, but I was already two steps ahead of her. My mind was hazy enough. All sleeping with her would do was further distort my thoughts and make it more difficult to see how I was supposed to fix this.
“Did you and Angel have fun today?” I asked when the silence between Sam and me persisted.
She perked up and looked relieved that I’d said something. “Yeah! We did actually. Got my phone fixed,” she added with a smile, retrieving her cell from the pocket of her robe. “Which reminds me; thank you for covering it and I have your change in my purse.”
I waved her off and thought back to the night before, remembering the raw passion that accounted for the broken case in the first place. And just that easily, I wanted her, fully prepared to go back on the resolution I’d just made not to touch her merely seconds before. Shaking my head at how weak she made me, I looked away.
“Well…thanks,” Sam interjected shyly.
The silence returned and I could practically feel her insecurities multiplying. I racked my brain for something else to say. “I talked to Terrell today,” I announced.
She smiled again. “For real? What’d he say?”
“He was out shopping with Maisha.”
Sam made an ‘uh-oh’ face. “Poor guy. That woman can shop. Trust me; I know.”
I laughed and felt some of the tension leave the room. “So I’ve heard.”
Sam shook her head at a memory and then met my gaze. “Did you tell him?” she asked somewhat nervously. “About us, I mean.” She laughed. “Not about last night…but…you know…that we’ve been in touch.”
With a smile, I nodded. “Yeah I told him.”
She narrowed her eyes at me and a laugh slipped out. “You told him everything didn’t you?”
Her accusation made me laugh, which gave her the information she was prying for. “Maybe.”
She grabbed one of the throw pillows from behind her and I blocked it just before it came in contact with my head.
“That’s so gross! Men definitely talk more than us women do. You’ve just proven that.”
I shot her an incredulous look. “Oh, so you didn’t give Angel any details?” I asked.
She stammered at first. “Well…she…that’s different because she walked in on us, so she already knew. You blabbing to Terrell is completely different,” she reasoned.
I rolled my eyes and smiled again. “It’s not like I gave him any details or anything, but he knows.”
She shook her head. “What’d he say?”
I shrugged. “You mean aside from threatening me? He seemed cool with it.”
Sam burst out laughing. “Wait. What? Terrell wouldn’t threaten you. What’re you talking about?”
“I mean, it was the friendliest threat anyone’s ever placed on my life, but I read him loud and clear. He basically told me that I better not hurt you.”
Sam looked away and the laugh dulled to a smile.
“I can’t blame him; he really cares about you,” I added.
Like I
do, I thought to myself.
She nodded in agreement, but didn’t say anything back as the smile slipped from her face altogether. We wandered back into that awkward place that we seemed to exist in now when conversation lulled. I couldn’t help but to wonder what she was thinking. Had talk of Terrell being concerned that I’d hurt her made her consider that possibility? Was that a possibility?
I was trying my hardest not to think in terms of making a decision – choosing between continuing to explore this gray area with Sam or returning to my sure thing that’d been my anchor for the past five years. The main reason I was trying to avoid it was because I knew that there was indeed an imbalance between the two and I couldn’t justify my irrational thoughts – honestly wondering if I should recklessly abandon the nice, neat life I’d built for myself to chase after the option that’d ended in heartbreak the last time.
Needing to step away for a moment, I asked, “Mind if I get a glass of water?”
Sam smiled weakly and shook her head. I stood and breathed a sigh of relief. In the back of my mind, I thought about leaving again – going back to my quiet loft where I could pretend like nothing had changed. But then it hit me; if that’d been what I wanted, I never would’ve come back to Sam’s in the first place. I was exactly where I wanted to be.
Taking a glass down from the cabinet, I stepped over to the sink, taking note of the large crystal vase beside it. It wasn’t until after I turned to talk back out to the living room that I noticed the head of a lone, red rose smashed between the lid and the can of Sam’s garbage. Assuming they came from Jason, I chose not to bring it up. If he stopped by and Sam didn’t want to say, that was her business. Knowing that I didn’t have a right to ask her what’d transpired in my absence, I let it go.
I found Sam flipping through channels when I returned to the couch. I sat down beside her and smiled when she settled on reruns of Fresh Prince – she always seemed to prefer watching shows that’d long since gone off the air, as opposed to the reality TV and other shows that the rest of the world was buzzing about. Not realizing that I was watching her, I smiled when she burst out laughing at whatever joke I’d missed.
Four days. That’s all it took. She had me open all over again. With us, it never did take long, though. Just like back in the day, I found myself falling for her all over again. She giggled again and I reveled in this moment. It wasn’t about sex. It wasn’t about settling some score. It had nothing to do with curiosity. I just wanted to be near her.
That night, we shared a bed, one another’s body heat, and nothing else. She lie in my arms beneath the covers, still wearing the pajamas minus the robe, and this moment was surprisingly even more enjoyable than the night before. She didn’t have to be naked for me to be completely entranced by her. I inhaled the scent of her hair with each breath as I dozed and willingly followed my heart into the distantly familiar unknown.
I awoke to the sound of my phone vibrating on the nightstand and a vacant space beside me where Sam was supposed to be. I turned over in her bed and checked the message that came through. It was Kira with a very vague, “Good morning,” text.
I replied with the same and turned onto my back to stretch. Sam’s door crept open and I smiled at the sight of her. She’d changed back into the spotted paint shirt from the night before.
“What time is it?” I yawned.
She stepped into the room and sat on the edge of the bed. “A little after seven.”
I rolled over onto my side again and took her waist in my hands, forcing her to lie back so that I could hold her again. Something was wrong, though. She seemed distracted.
“You couldn’t sleep?” I asked. Clearly, she’d been up for a while already.
She shrugged and her shoulder grazed my chest while she stared up at the ceiling. Her pulse throbbed at the base of her neck and I became fixated on the steady rhythm of it while I waited for her to answer.
“I slept fine.”
When I ran the back of my hand down the side of her face and neck, her eyes became half-mast and then finally closed.
“You sure about that?” I asked, acknowledging the fact that her first response was a lie.
She nodded and held to her story. “I slept fine,” she repeated. “Everything’s fine.” A slow breath left her lungs and I knew that avoiding the things neither of us had the heart to talk about would eventually eat us alive.
Deep down, I would’ve preferred to continue existing on this plain of denial, but that was completely unrealistic. One day, and one day soon, reality would catch up with us and force us to face it head-on. The best way to brace ourselves for that was to have a firm understanding of where we stood.
Sam turned toward me when my hand fell away from her skin. My eyes drifted up toward hers and we exchanged a loaded stare as we acknowledged that this bubble we’d created around ourselves would eventually pop.
“Do you wanna go for a drive so we can talk?” I asked, feeling unsettled just at the thought of it.
She searched my expression, trying to read me before giving in to a nod. “Yeah…I think we should.”
*****
Sam
While I strapped my sandals, AJ searched for driving directions on his phone. I grabbed my keys and led us out to the hallway, and eventually we were seated inside his car.
We hadn’t said much since getting out of bed that morning, but I had a feeling we’d have more than enough conversation whenever we reached our destination. While AJ showered, I’d written out a list of everything I wanted to say. Hopefully I wouldn’t have to actually whip it out and reference it, but I didn’t want to leave any stone unturned.
I sat beside AJ silently as the scenery whizzed by. More than once, I’d heard the faint buzz of his cell phone, but he never answered. I wasn’t sure how that should’ve made me feel knowing that it was Kira he was ignoring, but it served as a reminder of just how necessary this talk was – how necessary it was that we had it before Thursday when he was scheduled to be on a plane on his way to Fairfax.
It didn’t take long to realize that we were headed toward Queens, but I still hadn’t asked where our trip would conclude. AJ made one stop at the store while I waited in the car, and then he dropped the bag in the trunk before I could make out what was inside. However, it all made sense once we arrived at Fort Tilden Beach and he whipped out a large, thin blanket for us to sit on. My thoughts had made the journey to the edge of the Rockaways seem shorter that it actually was and my lack of attention meant that none of the words on the signs that we’d passed had even registered.
Grabbing one edge of the blanket to spread it over the sand while AJ held the other, I felt my pulse quicken at the thought of sharing my thoughts and concerns with him soon. Sure, it was one thing to scribble them out on a sheet of paper, but another to actually let him know what was on my mind…and on my heart.
I smoothed my yellow, cotton sundress and then sat a few inches away from AJ as a warm breeze swept over us. My eyes were fixed on the give and take of the waves as they came teasingly close to the place where we’d settled. Accompanying the sound of the gently rushing waters, seagulls cawed as they walked a section of the beach not too far from AJ and me. The sun was at its highest point in the sky, but the moderate seventy-three degree temperature made it tolerable. I glanced down at AJ’s left hand beside my right and shuttered when my imagination forced me to envision a gold band on his finger. He didn’t notice how quickly I looked in the opposite direction of him.
“It’s beautiful out here,” were the first words he’d spoken in a while.
I stared out as far across the water as my eyes would let me see, nodding in response to his statement. “Angel and I come here sometimes throughout the summer. It’s almost always this quiet, too.”
AJ leaned back on his elbows and lowered the shades that were perched on top of his head. It was difficult for me to make small-talk when there were so many things we needed to discuss, so I decided to start, desperate to rid
our existence of the awkward tension that’d surfaced.
“You seem…different,” I forced out with a sigh, feeling instantly self-conscious about letting him inside my head.
I watched from the corner of my eye as his expression didn’t change. The sunglasses made it even more difficult to read him. Perhaps that was the reason he’d worn them.
“I’ve just got some things on my mind,” he answered.
I nodded, understanding that – what happened between us a couple nights ago had changed things drastically, hence the reason I was now determined to keep it from happening again. Before being intimate, we were able to disguise this pull between us as just wanting to be in one another’s presence, like two old friends catching up; however, when we allowed things to get physical, all of that changed.
There was more to it than that, though. A number of factors had me questioning myself, and AJ was probably feeling the same way. First on my list was how quickly it all happened. Wednesday we spoke for the first time since the wedding, and by Friday he was in my bed. I considered the fact that we’d always moved quickly, even in the past, and we’d always had unusually high….everything – chemistry, sexual tension, emotion. Still, we were grown now, not young kids with a whole lot of learning and growing to do. I was guilty of not letting myself completely get over my breakup with Jason, and AJ was guilty of cheating on his fiancé.
Cheating…that’s such an ugly word.
It seemed so easy for us to take things to a physical level, regardless of how bad an idea we both knew it was. At least I felt that way. Here I was, condemning Jason for having a wife and me on the side and AJ was a few months away from being in almost the exact same situation.
“Jason sent me flowers yesterday,” I blurted, willingly turning the conversation toward myself. Someone had to do it.
Exposed (Free Falling) Page 22