“Kira, I –“
“She left you, AJ. LEFT YOU! Have you forgotten about that? Have you forgotten how messed up you were because of her? And who was there to pick up the pieces? ME!” She paused and a few more sobs bellowed from her throat. “How could you do this to me?” She screamed. “Is it something that I did? Something that I didn’t do?” she asked, nearly pleading.
It wasn’t possible to feel lower than I felt in that moment. Here I was, standing in front of Kira with tangible evidence that I’d been unfaithful, and she was blaming herself. I took a step closer and hesitantly extended my hand, but then, at the last second, decided against touching her.
I felt like a monster – for hurting her, for breaking her, and for bringing Sam into all this. I had a feeling that they were both currently wishing that they’d never met me. Kira truly had been my saving grace, and for years after that, she’d been my anchor. Putting myself in her position, I understood how unfair this all seemed – that a woman who’d walked out on me could now replace her. But I couldn’t change how I felt about Sam. I could choose to stay away from her if that’s the way this all went down, but my feelings for her would remain. Always.
“Do you love her?” Kira asked in a whisper, right in synch with my thoughts.
I stared into her eyes, fully prepared to not answer the question.
“Do you love her?” She yelled, demanding a response.
I eventually told the truth because she deserved to know. “Yes.”
Her heart broke even more right there before my eyes. Despair overwhelmed her and she took a step forward like she’d embrace me and then reminded herself that I was the one inflicting the pain.
Backing further away, she shook her head frantically. “I just don’t get why I wasn’t enough,” she breathed. “Was this ever real? Was any of this ever real?”
“Of course it was,” I assured her, grasping at straws. The next words that entered my mind sounded so cliché that I almost didn’t want to say them aloud, but they were the truth. “Kira…I never meant to hurt you.”
She swiped at her tears, but didn’t respond.
“I didn’t plan it like this.”
“I know, I know…it just happened,” she added mockingly, thinking that was what I’d say next.
When I shook my head, she waited for me to speak. “No, it wasn’t like that.” I folded my arms over my chest and contemplated whether to continue this part of the conversation further or to shut it down.
She didn’t really want to hear my explanation and I didn’t really want to give it.
When I didn’t continue, Kira sighed before demanding that I finish my statement. “What was it then?”
I gathered my thoughts and stepped back to lean against the bathroom counter. “I never accepted her leaving me, to be honest with you, Kira. For a while I was angry, for a while I was numb…but…I never got over it. I never fully let her go,” I added. “In the back of my mind, I was holding on to the idea that things weren’t really over between us...no matter how hard I tried to convince myself that they were – no matter how hard I tried to convince myself that I didn’t care about her.”
Kira sniffed back a few tears. “So, all this time…you were just pretending to love me?”
I frowned when the accusation stung a bit, but couldn’t blame her for jumping to that conclusion. I might’ve assumed the same thing if the shoe had been on the other foot.
“I wouldn’t have asked you to marry me if I didn’t love you.”
Kira narrowed her gaze and leveled an intense stare my way. “Love would’ve been enough to keep you faithful, though, AJ. So you couldn’t have,” she reasoned.
I shut up, knowing that this was her time to vent, even if I didn’t agree with her logic. Kira sighed when I didn’t have a comeback. She folded her arms over her chest and I could feel her eyes on me even without looking up.
“What now?” she asked solemnly. “What’s supposed to happen next?” Her tone reflected the state of defeat where she currently existed.
The answer to that question depended on too many factors to just blurt out a response recklessly. Did we continue on and try to work through this? Should I just cut my losses now that she knew? I had no idea what to say.
“Well…I mean…I guess since the company’s already selling the house for us, we can either stay on that path – go our separate ways…or…see about working through this,” I added softly, not knowing if she’d attack me or not for even thinking that was a possibility.
She stood there, expressionless, staring at the floor with her arms folded over her chest.
My heart pounded like crazy, but I forced the words swimming around in my mind out of my mouth. “Is this where it ends?”
Her answer didn’t come until long after my question had been asked. Kira took her time thinking about that and I couldn’t blame her. Hell, I wasn’t sure how to answer it myself. Should this be the end?
“First, tell me this,” she said as her eyes lifted toward mine. “If I hadn’t walked in and seen the message that whore left for me on your back – which is exactly what that is, by the way – when were you planning to tell me? “
I shook my head and before I thought things through, “Kira, she’s not like that,” carelessly flew from my mouth. I knew it wouldn’t go over well – defending Sam – so I braced myself for the aftershock.
“No, trust me; she did that knowing I’d see it. You might’ve planned to drag this thing out, have your cake and eat it too for a while, but she wanted to make sure that didn’t happen. She wanted to make sure that I knew she had you,” Kira hissed, turning to walk down the hallway toward the bedroom.
I followed closely and turned her around by the arm, making her look me in my eyes. “I never planned to drag this out. You probably won’t believe me, but I was planning to tell you everything before I went back to New York. I had time to think about what I was doing this morning during my run. Actually, that’s all I’ve been thinking about lately.”
She rolled her eyes and folded her arms over her chest again. “Oh, please, AJ. You weren’t gonna tell me anything.”
Clearly there was nothing I could say to convince her because of how convenient my admission sounded. I was forced to accept the fact that I would be the only one to know that I was actually telling the truth.
During a long pause in conversation, I pulled my phone out to text my father, asking him to swing by and pick me up for work when I thought about the fact that Kira was my only means of transportation in D.C. I finished messaging him and slipped my underwear and pants on while Kira stood there watching.
From my peripheral, I saw her shake her head. “I can’t believe this.”
While buttoning my shirt, shame forced me to keep my eyes fixed on the floor.
“I mean…was she really worth it? Was she worth risking what we have?”
I didn’t respond. There were two answers to that question…and Kira didn’t honestly want to hear either one of them.
When I finished dressing, I sat on the edge of the bed and stared at her feet when I couldn’t bring myself to look her in the eye. I felt ashamed for being so weak, but even more ashamed that I still felt somewhat justified in my actions – justified because I hadn’t just caught feelings for some random anybody; I fell for the woman I would’ve spent the rest of my life with if I’d gotten my way. Realizing just how flawed my thinking was, I shook my head.
Kira took a step in my direction, and I forced myself to man-up. Whatever happened, whatever was lost, I had to face it because I’d brought it on myself. She hesitated and then slowly took a seat beside me on the bed. Then and only then did I finally meet her gaze; however, I immediately wished that I hadn’t.
That look on her face…
How could I have been this reckless?
Look what I’ve done to her…
In my heart, seeing the burden of grief on her face, I believed that it was over. There was no way we could come back fr
om this. No way she’d be able to look at me the same. No way she’d be able to forgive what I’d done.
But then…she reached for my hand.
At first I didn’t know what to make of the gesture, but then Kira spoke and made her intentions clear – knocking me to the floor with shock.
She brushed away a tear with one hand while clutching my hand in the other. Shaking her head in defiance of what her instincts had to have been screaming at her, Kira made a declaration. “I’m not giving you up as easily as she did. So whatever it means to ‘fight’ for us…that’s what I’m gonna do if you’re willing to do the same,” she breathed, squaring her shoulders to let me know just how serious she was.
“Are you willing to put in the effort to make this work?” she asked, staring directly into my eyes.
My heart was beating so fast that it was nearly vibrating inside my chest. She wanted an answer right then and there – no time to think this through. A choice had to me bade in that instant, or else it would be made for me. All the details flashed into my head – a list of what was rational, what was easy. If I were to choose based on commonsense, hands down, it’d be Kira. Was that what this all came down to, though? Logic? It seemed like love is typically anything but logical, but…
“Are you willing to put in the effort?” she repeated.
I continued to spin a mental figure-eight around these thoughts, eventually blurting out the answer that would cause the least amount of destruction. “Yes.” I almost regretted that response immediately, but had to hide the doubt or she’d pick up on it.
Kira looked down at the ground, no trace of satisfaction on her face after hearing that I was in fact going to try to make this relationship work between us. Instead, she looked worried – like she knew that the hardest part of this task would be getting me to forget about Sam.
She sighed and pushed her fingers through her hair. “I know your flight is already set, but it’d probably be a good idea for you to stick around this weekend so we can, you know…talk about this some more,” she suggested.
All I could do was nod, trying to ignore the fact that even being here overnight felt like too long. My heart was calling me to be somewhere else…with someone else…but I had to keep things in perspective.
“You know you have to cut off communication with her, right? That’s the only way this’ll –“
“I already know,” I interrupted, not wanting to discuss that part.
It was in those moments while Kira sat pondering, maybe coming up with a list of rules and restrictions to put on me, I thought back to the emptiness that came along with the years of radio silence between me and Sam. The mere memory of that feeling almost made me tell Kira that I’d changed my mind.
That’s what I’d be facing again.
Starting now…..
Chapter Twenty
AJ
To say that I was tense was the understatement of the year. Starting my morning with a heavy dose of drama and no more than a few hours of sleep guaranteed that I’d have a crappy day. The hours-long meeting I’d just sat through was all a blur because I’d spent most of that time thinking about Sam. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw her face and I was slowly becoming less and less content with the agreement I’d made with Kira. I mean, yeah, she had every right to demand that I cut Sam off – being honest, that’s what I would’ve done too if I was in her position – but I just wasn’t sure I was capable of keeping my word. Hell, not only would not calling Sam be a task, I was already trying to make up excuses for going to see her one last time before Kira came to stay with me permanently.
And what was I supposed to do about Saturday? Sam was expecting me to come by so we could talk. So, not only was I not gonna show, but I couldn’t call and tell her not to expect me either? I wasn’t going to do that to her. I’d have to at least text her to say that I was staying longer than I originally intended. The next thought that immediately entered my mind, though, was what Sam would know that me staying the whole weekend had nothing to do with work, leaving Kira as the only possible reason I’d be in D.C.
Adding days to my visit felt forced, but wasn’t I supposed to be thinking of it as more of a privilege? After all, Kira had granted me a second chance to fix things, although it came with conditions. Nonetheless, I was being given a do-over, an opportunity to clean my slate and retrace my steps back to the road leading up to me and Kira’s eventual marriage.
Marriage….it sounded so final.
Tapping my pen on the table aimlessly, I was barely even aware of the fact that the boardroom had almost completely cleared out, leaving me to sit there in the large room alone. Well…almost alone. From the corner of my eye, I saw my father approaching and I let out a sigh. The last thing I needed was him on my case on top of everything else.
“You look upset. Is everything alright?”
I kept my eyes trained on the pen bouncing off the smooth wood surface. “I’m fine,” was all I said back. We’d never been the type of father and son who discussed relationships and the like, so I figured why start now. In fact, confiding in him my feelings for Sam back in high school was exactly what started him and me down our current path of hatred and resentment in the first place.
He ignored the cold shoulder that I hit him with and bravely took the seat beside me, clearly immune to my indifference after all these years.
“Trouble at the new office?” he asked.
I shook my head, but didn’t elaborate.
He nodded a few times and then fell silent for a long while before blurting, “Problems on the home-front?”
I stopped tapping my pen and fought to quench the spike of irritation that felt like the straw that’d break the camels’ back after the morning I’d had. Instead, I cleared my throat and ignored the blatant attempt to pry into my personal life.
“I’m sure the long-distance situation is difficult” he added. “But –“
“Just drop it, please,” I said harshly.
Immediately, my father fell still and silent. The clock across the room ticked louder and louder as the seconds wore on. From the corner of my eye, I watched him, and wanted to shoot myself for actually feeling pity for the guy. Maybe I shouldn’t have shut him down like that…
“Listen, I get that you’ve been trying to be…whoever or whatever you’ve been trying to be lately, but…I just don’t feel like discussing my relationship right now.” To me, confirming that my issue was in fact related to something Kira and I were dealing with was a big step. Still, I couldn’t justify telling him much more than that.
“You don’t want to discuss it, or you don’t want to discuss it with me?” he asked under his breath.
I shot him a look. “Okay, yeah. I don’t feel like discussing my relationship with you,” I amended since he already knew the truth anyway.
I could feel my frustration rising out of control and was just getting ready to excuse myself when he took a deep breath beside me.
“Well…since you prefer to keep me at arm’s length,” he continued in a matter-of-fact tone, “…I suppose I’ll settle for communicating like we’re nothing more than colleagues since you’re more comfortable with that. How’re things at the new facility? Everything shaping up well for you? Any personnel issues to speak of?” he rambled off.
I rolled my eyes. “Work’s fine.”
Silence filled the room again and he couldn’t help himself, almost immediately switching back to prying.
“Is it money?” he pushed, still not getting the fact that I didn’t want him in my business. “Because if that’s it, I’d like to help.”
My frustration grew. “Why are you so interested in my life all of a sudden?”
He looked at me and I was sure I detected a slight measure of disbelief at my accusation. “I’ve always been interested in your life.”
“Yeah…okay,” I scoffed. “Maybe when it comes to work and how much money I bring into this company, but not about anything else.”
He was q
uiet and I hoped that he’d stay that way, because I really wasn’t in the mood. When he sighed, I braced myself.
“How long are you going to push me away? What do I need to do to fix this?” he asked, catching me off guard. It wasn’t like him to make himself vulnerable to listen to peoples’ criticisms – mostly because he rarely cared what anyone thought of him anyway. Normally, I’d have a response ready, a list of all the things he’d done wrong over the years, but given my present circumstance and the problems I’d created, I was in no place to judge. When I didn’t speak, my father asked another question.
”Is it presumptuous of me to ask you for another chance?”
I rested my head against the seat and released a breath. “Another chance to do what?”
To prove what a dick you can be?
“To prove that I can be a good father! A good man!” he professed loudly. There was an air of sincerity in his tone, but I was so used to seeing him scheme and manipulate that I wasn’t moved. When I didn’t respond, he shook his head at my stubbornness, which I happened to inherit from him. “I’m trying to talk to you man to man, but I see that’s not possible. So…” he concluded, standing from his seat.
“Why now? Why do you all of a sudden want to be better? Being the bad guy never bothered you before.”
My statement gave my father pause and he settled back into his seat. Instead of just firing off a cookie cutter response, he gave my question some real thought. That caught me off guard. “Because…” he shrugged, still weighing his words. “… it may’ve taken me longer than it should have to realize what I lost, but my eyes are open now.”
I sighed and folded my arms over my chest. Thinking I already knew the answer he’d give, I asked yet another question. “And what exactly have you lost? Your company?” I scoffed.
From the corner of my eye, I could see him watching me intently when he replied, “No, Anthony…I lost you.”
I didn’t respond.
Exposed (Free Falling) Page 26