by HELEN HARDT
“What did you start with his first time?”
“Last time, you told me you didn’t want to talk about my sessions with Talon.”
True, I had. So why not just answer the question she asked?
“My life is pretty routine. I get up early, around five a.m., meet my foreman and several others in my office and get a look at the day’s work. Sometimes I go out into the pastures myself. Other days I’m stuck doing paperwork all day.”
“So you guys have a pretty big operation.”
“Yes. The most successful ranch in Colorado. We have just under half a million acres, and we employ hundreds, and that’s not counting seasonal work.”
“Then you have a lot of responsibilities.”
“Yeah. I mean, I’m mainly responsible for the ranch, but…”
“But?”
I stiffened.
Melanie continued, “But you feel responsible for everything, don’t you?”
She was right. I did. I was the oldest, after all.
“If you take care of the beef, Talon takes care of the fruit, and Ryan takes care of the wine, what does your sister do?”
“Marjorie is a lot younger than we are. Right now, she just fills in and helps where she’s needed. At some point, she’ll probably decide whether to stay on the ranch and help us or to leave. Her true love is gourmet cooking. But she does own a quarter of the ranch. My father left it to all of us in equal portions, so she’ll always have a cut.”
Melanie nodded. “So tell me, if your siblings own three quarters of the operation, and you’re all adults, why do you feel responsible for everything?”
Why did I? “Because I’m the oldest, I guess.”
“Because you’re the oldest. I see.”
What did she see? I opened my mouth to ask the question, but she began speaking again.
“Jonah, you don’t have to be responsible for everything.”
“Oh, I know. My brothers both do their fair share. They work really hard, and Marj does whatever we ask her to. Whenever there’s extra work to do, she’s right there to lend a hand.”
“Still, you feel responsible.”
She was right. I did. Because I was the oldest. My father had told me that enough. You’re the oldest. You need to take care of things. Take care of your brothers and sister.
I hadn’t done a very good job.
“Tell me about your father,” Melanie said.
Could this woman read my mind? After all, that was her job. Get inside my head. I still wasn’t very comfortable with that.
“What does my father have to do with any of this? He’s been dead for nearly eight years.”
“You got the sense of responsibility from someone. Your father is as good a place as any to start.”
“All right. My father was…pretty domineering. Very loving as well, don’t get me wrong. He was a good father. He taught us all from a young age about ranching, about responsibility.”
“But he taught you more about responsibility than the others.”
I nodded. “I was the oldest. Of course I was expected to be the most responsible.”
“And your father? Was he the oldest of his siblings?”
“He only had one brother, but yes, he was the older.”
“That makes a lot of sense.”
“How so?”
“He was most likely taught to be responsible as the older child, and because you were his oldest, he passed that on to you.”
Did he ever. “Yes, he did.”
“Did you ever resent being given such a large amount of responsibility at such a young age?”
“Maybe a little. But in a way I liked it as well. I was the oldest brother. I like being the oldest. I got to learn how to ride a horse first. I got to learn how to ride a bicycle first. I got to learn how to drive a tractor, a car. I got my own room, when Talon and Ryan shared one.”
“Didn’t you grow up in a large ranch house?”
“Yeah, but the two of them liked sharing a room. At least until after…” I cleared my throat. “Talon wanted his own room after that. But me, I always wanted my own. I like alone time.”
“Alone time. Why do you think that is? Why do you like being alone so much?”
“I don’t know. I always have.”
“Do you think it was because it let you escape the responsibility of being the oldest brother sometimes?”
My palms began to itch. Damn, this woman was getting inside my head, and all my defenses were yelling at me to make it stop. I clenched the arms of the recliner, getting ready to stand.
“Going somewhere?”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re bracing to leave. Your body language is speaking volumes right now, Jonah.”
She was in my head all right. Well, that was what I was paying for. How was I supposed to let her into my psyche when all I could think about was getting her into my bed?
I forced myself to relax. “You must have misread me. I’m not planning to go anywhere.”
She smiled. “All right.”
She was pacifying me. I could tell. She didn’t believe for a minute that she had misread me.
And of course she was right.
“So let’s get back to you and your alone time. Do you still like your alone time now?”
I nodded.
“What you do during your alone time?”
“Sometimes nothing. Sometimes I swim. I have a lap pool at my house. I’ve always loved the water.”
“I see. What is it that you love about the water?”
“I don’t know, really. I guess I just like the way it wraps itself around me.”
“Like a shield?”
“I don’t know. Maybe. It seems to…”
“What?”
“It…soothes me. Takes the weight away.”
“I see. That makes a lot of sense. What else do you do while you’re alone?”
Well, I jacked off a lot. But I sure as hell wasn’t going to tell her that. It had been way too long since I’d had a woman. Even though I’d had girlfriends in the past, I’d never had what I thought was a serious relationship. Only one of us had—before Talon and Jade, that was. Ryan had been with a woman named Anna for several years, but they’d ended up calling it off.
“Sometimes I read up on ranching, agriculture.”
She laughed softly. “That’s part of your work. I’m talking about your free time. Your alone time. What do you do besides swim?”
I honestly didn’t know how to answer her. If I wasn’t swimming or sleeping, I was doing something involving the ranch, whether it was reading up on new techniques, attending a conference, or talking to my brothers or my foreman. God, had I really become so involved in my work?
“I…hang out with my brothers and sister.”
“What about friends? What about a girlfriend?”
“Talon has a group of guys he plays poker with. Ryan joins them sometimes.”
“But you don’t?”
“No. I don’t really believe in gambling.”
“Why not?”
“I just don’t.”
“Why do you think that is?”
I had no idea what she was driving at with this line of questioning. “Isn’t it better not to gamble, Melanie? I mean, it can lead to addiction, right?”
“Do you think you have an addictive personality?”
This was getting way off track. “Of course not.”
“All right. I’ll move on, then. What about dating?”
Was it my imagination, or did her cheeks turn pink just a little bit at the mention of dating? “I don’t have time. Plus, I haven’t met anyone I’m interested in.” Until now, that was.
“Friendships?”
“Again, I grab a drink with some of the guys on the ranch sometimes, sometimes my brothers.”
“No one else?”
“Well, my best buddy from my childhood just came for a visit. He’s actually the cousin of one of the kids who was kill
ed back when Talon was abducted.”
“I see. So you’ve spent some time with him, then?”
“Yeah. He’s still here. He has a ten-month-old little boy who’s really cute.”
“How old are you, Jonah?”
“I’m thirty-eight. How old are you?”
I shouldn’t have asked that. I wasn’t sure why it had popped out.
“I’m forty.”
I hoped my shock didn’t show on my face. I’d have pegged her for much younger, but all that schooling…and she’d been in practice for a while. Of course she was older.
She continued, “But we’re not here to talk about me, are we?”
“I’m sorry. That was personal.”
“No worries. I’m not one of those women who gets weird about her age.”
“No reason you should. You look great. I’d take you for late twenties.”
She blushed again, this time all the way down her neck. Her skin was fair, and the rosiness erupted like pink petals against her flesh.
My groin tightened.
“Thank you. Let’s get back to your friendships. You mentioned that your friend has a little boy. Do you ever think about having a family?”
I tensed up. “For a long time, I didn’t. But now I see what Talon and Jade have together, and I wonder…”
“What do you wonder about?”
“I wonder if…if there’s someone like Jade out there for me.” And I also wondered if she might be sitting across from me. “I mean, if Talon, with all of his past, can make a relationship work, maybe there’s hope for me.”
“I think there’s plenty of hope for you.” She looked at the clock on her table. “Our time is up for today. I want you to think about something before we meet again.”
“Sure. What’s that?”
“I want you to think about what your responsibilities truly are, and the next time you come in, we’ll talk about that.”
“Easy. I’m responsible for everything. It’s my ranch.”
“It’s one-quarter your ranch. Let your siblings do their jobs. When you come back next time, I want to know what you’re truly responsible for. Not what you think you’re responsible for, but what you actually are responsible for.”
Seemed like a simple enough question. So why did I have no idea where to start?
Chapter Four
Melanie
I sat down in my chair, shaking, after Jonah Steel left my office. The poor man felt the weight of the world upon his shoulders, and I wasn’t sure how to help him realize that it was not his responsibility. I specialized in treating victims of childhood trauma, and in his own way, Jonah was a victim of childhood trauma. But I had the feeling that his problems went further back than Talon’s abduction. Somehow he had grown to believe he was responsible for everything in his life, and I had to figure out how to disavow him of that that notion.
More importantly, if I was to truly help, I had to get rid of my sweaty palms and quivering body. Jonah was the most attractive man I’d met in some time, and I didn’t mean just his amazing physical looks. I was a sucker for someone like him—a man who had so much honor that it became his nemesis. Jonah wanted to protect everyone, but he couldn’t. He was only one man. And twenty-five years ago, he was a thirteen-year-old boy.
How I ached to help him. But I wasn’t sure I was the right therapist for this job.
I riffled through the papers on my desk, looking for Brad Logan’s number. He might be a better fit for Jonah. For some reason, his number wasn’t in my phone or in my paper Rolodex on my desk. I hadn’t seen him in over a year, but he’d given me a business card then. I wouldn’t have thrown it away. My desk was an infernal mess, of course. I was as disorganized as anything. It was a wonder I ever got anything accomplished. Paper after paper after paper. I’d have to have Randi go through all this stuff. Normally my office was my sanctuary and Randi did her work out in the reception area, but this was more than I could handle. I picked up some folders to take them out to her desk for filing, when a piece of paper slipped out of one.
I glanced at the floor, and my heart sank. I knew what it was before I picked it up.
The piece of stationery was pink and tear-stained. Whether they were my tears or Gina’s, I wasn’t sure. The pain was still new and raw.
Six months had passed, but I hadn’t dealt with all these emotions. Oh, I put up a good front. I told the few who knew that I’d made peace as best I could with what had occurred, and I repeated my own advice—advice I gave to all my patients—in my head. You have to want to heal, and you have to do it for yourself. Did I not want to heal on some subconscious level? Many times I’d thought about calling Brad for my own benefit, but I hadn’t. I resisted.
Physician, heal thyself.
I glanced up the wall behind my desk. My MD was framed there, along with my master’s in psychotherapy.
I should be able to get through this. I knew that.
Could a doctor ever get over losing a patient?
My hands trembled as my gaze, seemingly of its own accord, was drawn like a magnet to Gina’s words.
Dear Dr. Carmichael,
I can no longer go on.
This isn’t your fault. You did your best to try to help me, but I’ll never be able to forget what my uncle did to me when I was so young. I tried, and I prayed that I could heal, but it’s just not in the cards for me.
There’s something else I need to tell you. This isn’t easy for me, and I wish with all my soul that I had the courage to tell you in person.
I love you.
And no, I don’t mean I love you as a friend or as a therapist. I mean I’m in love with you. I’m truly in love with you.
I don’t normally fall in love with women, at least I never have before. The feelings I have for you are so strong that I’m not sure I’ve ever felt anything close to them for anyone, male or female. I dream of kissing your red lips, taking you into my bed and making love. I dream of you holding me in your arms, chasing the beasts away.
I don’t expect you to return my feelings. I know you could never be interested in someone as horribly defective as I am. But before I leave this earth forever, I want you to know how I feel.
Please don’t blame yourself. I know you did your best for me. No one on this Earth could have helped me. I’m too damaged. I wanted to be whole, but I know now that I never will be. I’m not good enough for you or anyone else. You deserve so much better.
That’s why I must leave. Please don’t worry about me. I’ve chosen a painless and cowardly way to die. For that’s what I am, a coward. I don’t have anything more to give to this life.
I will love you forever, even beyond the grave.
Yours,
Gina
I sighed as tears emerged in the corners of my eyes. I had a good record with my patients. I was able to help most of them, and the few I couldn’t help, I always referred to someone else.
But I hadn’t been able to help Gina Cates. She’d come to me about a year ago, suffering from night terrors and depression. She’d been repeatedly raped by her uncle between the ages of eight and thirteen. She never told anyone about the abuse, and the uncle was now dead. However, I’d been blind to the fact that she’d fallen in love and blind to the fact that she was suicidal. That haunted me to this day. Was it because I was a straight woman that I didn’t recognize that another woman loved me? I’d been over and over it in my mind. I should’ve noticed. I should’ve had her hospitalized. I should’ve done a lot of things, but I hadn’t.
If I had, Gina might still be alive.
She had closed herself in her garage, opened her car windows, and turned on the ignition. The carbon monoxide put her to sleep and killed her peacefully. She stayed in her garage for three days, until I received the letter. I alerted her parents and the police, saying I was concerned because she’d missed an appointment, and they found her.
I never told anyone about her letter.
I cradled my head in my hands, sitt
ing down in my chair at my desk. I concentrated on holding back the tears that wanted to fall, until I jerked forward. Someone had knocked on my door.
I grabbed a tissue and wiped my eyes and nose quickly. I cleared my throat. “Yes, come on in, Randi.” I stood.
But it wasn’t Randi who opened my door.
Jonah Steel, in all his masculine glory, walked into my office.
“I’m sorry to bother you, but I think I left my—”
I ran into his arms, nearly knocking him over. The tears I’d tried so hard to hold back gushed forth, wetting his black cotton shirt.
He gently stroked my hair, saying nothing. I held on to him in a fierce clench. He was so hard, so solid…like a rock in the midst of a stormy hurricane at sea. I sobbed into his shoulder, soaking him, but still he stroked my hair, murmuring gentle sounds.
“It’s okay,” he said. “Whatever it is, it’s okay.”
Oh, if he only knew.
He moved backward, trying to release my hold on him. At the thought of him leaving, I grabbed him, wrapped my arms around his neck, and pulled his mouth toward mine.
Unprofessional, yes, but that was my last thought when his firm lips opened beneath mine.
He returned my kiss, swirling his tongue into my mouth. He tasted of sweet mint and cloves—so perfect and so right. I had dreamed of kissing him when I saw him at that hotel bar months ago. He was so out of my league, but right now he was responding to me. He pulled me closer, ground his hardness into my belly. My God, is he as attracted to me as I am to him?
When I pulled away, taking a needed breath, he bit my earlobe.
“I’ve wanted to kiss you like that since I first saw you,” he whispered. “And today, sitting across from you, I could hardly think of anything else.”
I melted against him. He wanted me? Truly wanted me the way I wanted him?
No more talking. I drew in all the oxygen I needed and pressed my lips back to his. He kissed me with fervor, passion, so deeply—more deeply than anyone ever had.
The kiss was trance-inducing, as if I’d never been kissed before. As if all the men who had ever kissed me were just leading up to this—the ultimate kiss, the only real kiss I’d ever been given.