by Jan Burke
“Me, too. I am the bane of the botanical world. Nevertheless, Wrigley decided this contest should be run from my column. I didn’t like it, but what the hell, he’s the boss.”
“Ever stop to think of how much trouble that phrase causes around here?”
“Plenty. And boy, did I get plenty of trouble. Zucchini, I thought, were these skinny little Italian squash I bought in the grocery store. Six, seven inches long, max. ‘Mail in your entry,’ I foolishly said. We were inundated with them.
“As you probably know — I didn’t, but learned very quickly — left to grow on the vine, zucchini can best be described with words like humongous and gargantuan. People couldn’t afford to mail them; some of them weighed as much as a watermelon. So they’d bring them into the paper, hand-carrying them to the security desk. Geoff was calling me from the lobby every few minutes, asking me to come down and get these three-foot, twenty-pound vegetables.”
“So you became known as Zucchini Man?”
“No, Zucchini Man came on the scene a little later. As you can imagine, I quickly tired of lugging the things around, so I was happy when the contest deadline arrived. I declared a winner as quickly as possible, gave out the check for one hundred dollars in prize money, and prayed I’d never see another squash of any kind. I had become the butt of a lot of newsroom jokes.
“However, this one participant was very unhappy with the outcome. He was certain that he should have won. He kept bringing in zucchinis. They would be accompanied by long, rambling notes that didn’t make much sense. He signed them ‘Zucchini Man.’ Geoff warned me that the guy who dropped them off was wearing a tinfoil hat.”
Stuart did not need to explain the tinfoil hat. They are worn by a small segment of our downtown population, and can be seen in many other cities. To the people who wear them, the hats are not a fashion accessory, but a device whereby they attempt to deflect the radio waves that are interfering with their thoughts.
“And people in the newsroom started avoiding you because of that?”
“No, it was when he managed to get past Geoff one day and into the newsroom itself. He knew me from the picture on my column; headed straight for me. This guy has a huge zucchini with him, probably one of the twenty-pounders. He was carrying the zucchini on his shoulder like a baseball bat. Geoff had already called up to warn me, and he had called the police, but it took them a little while to get here.
“Zucchini Man calmly asked me where his million dollars was, his prize for the biggest zucchini. I kept my cool, told him that we were getting the editor’s signature on it at that very moment, and if he would just have a seat and wait, it would soon be here. Everything was going fine until Wildman Winters decided to play John Wayne.”
Wildman Billy Winters, a former staffer, was a walking Bad Hemingway Contest. He had none of Papa’s talent for writing, but that didn’t stop him trying to emulate the lifestyle. His successes were generally limited to accolades like “person who made the ugliest scene at the party.” I winced thinking of what he would have added to the situation Stuart was describing. “Not the best defender you could have asked for.”
“Right,” Stuart said. “He tried to grab Zucchini Man from behind, but he didn’t make it. Zucchini Man ducked, then came up swinging. Walloped Winters but good with this great green gourd. Knocked him out cold; Winters ended up in the hospital for a few days. The Zucchini Man was going berserk then, whomping one surface after another with this zucchini. He didn’t try for anyone else, just objects, but it scared everybody and made a huge mess. Pulp all over the place.
“The cops got there about then. The LPPD was smart, sent a couple of guys who knew Zucchini Man. They greeted him like he was an old friend. When he saw them, he calmly set the remainder of the zucchini down and walked out with them. He paused near the door and asked me to send his check to him in the mail.”
“Not to speak ill of the dead, but I’m not so sure that Winters wasn’t a bigger menace to society.”
“I agree. You ask me, a guy like Winters was scarier than a guy who’s proud of his vegetables. But what I was trying to explain to you was that for a few weeks after this event, some of the people in the newsroom avoided me. They sort of blamed me for the guy being here, and for Winters getting hurt. It was as if they thought I might attract other people like this Zucchini Man — standing next to me was like standing next to a bull’s-eye.”
“I see what you mean. If Thanatos is coming by my house, he might visit the newsroom.”
“Right. You’ve already brought him too close. He calls you here. He sends things to you. Apparently watches you now and then.”
“And he’s more dangerous than someone with a large squash.”
“Don’t get too discouraged.”
“Thanks, Stuart.”
He started to walk away.
“Stuart?”
“Yeah?”
“What happened to Zucchini Man?”
He smiled. “He was lucky. Too many people said Winters went after him first, and Winters didn’t have too great a reputation with the cops, so Zucchini Man wasn’t charged with anything. We ran his picture in the paper; turned out his family had been looking for him. They got him on some meds that worked for him, and they make sure he stays on them. He’s still around — he helps out with a community garden program over on the west side of town.”
I DIDN’T GET a call from Hobson Devoe or from Thanatos. When I got home that evening, I took a nice, hot bubble bath. It was relaxing, but my thoughts kept returning to Stuart’s story about Zucchini Man and Billy Winters. Stuart didn’t need to tell me what had happened to Billy Winters. Everyone on the staff knew about the night when Winters got himself good and lit, drove off in a drunken rage, and died in a head-on collision. The Wildman himself might have thought of it as going out in style, if he hadn’t also killed a family of five in the other car.
I’d rather ride home with someone wearing a tinfoil hat.
13
AS I GOT READY for Frank’s office party, I thought that it might be good to take his mind off his troubles at work, and chose an outfit that would have made a mnemonics expert forget what he was about to say. It was a sleek little blue number that accented the color of my eyes — if anyone bothered to look that high. I was feeling devilish, and set a personal challenge for myself: to get Frank to leave the party an hour after we arrived.
He came home and gave me one of those looks that make you want to shout Vive la différence, and I had to convince him that we should go to the party in the first place. He got back at me to some extent by looking pretty spiffy himself, and I started to wonder if maybe we should stay home after all. But by now we were both enjoying the sparks that were flying, and we put on our coats and left.
The party, I soon learned, was at Bredloe’s house, which added an obstacle. Bredloe is captain of the Robbery-Homicide Division. Boss to the second power — Frank’s boss’s boss. I glanced at my watch: 7:30, and the damn party was at the captain’s house. This was going to be tough, I thought with a grin. But not too tough.
I had a drink in my hand and all the male attention I could want by 7:32. Frank stuck to me like a Siamese twin, and I started to wonder if I was going to be able to be as effective at such close range. Pete arrived, and I was happy to see that Rachel was back in town and with him that evening. She’s a real stunner, a tall Italian beauty. She ran over and gave me a big hug, and pulled me aside. Pete started yammering away at Frank, who watched us walk away with an anxious look. I loved it.
“What a terrific dress!” Rachel said, then added more softly, “Frank’s looking at us like we might disappear. I get the idea he’d like to go home and take that dress off you. Why are you looking at your watch? Am I boring you already?”
Noting that it was already 8:14, I told her my plan. We started laughing, and I saw both Pete and Frank look up in dismay. I noticed a couple of women had moved over toward them, trying to start conversations. Our boys were acting distracted
but tried to be courteous.
“Well,” Rachel said, “I won’t have time to talk to you tonight, then. But Lydia tells me you’ll join us tomorrow?”
“Yes, looking forward to it. We decided to put off going up to the mountains, and we’ll see his family on the day after Christmas.”
“Bene. We’ll see you tomorrow. Now, quit wasting time.”
“Don’t worry, this hasn’t been a waste of time. This works better than standing next to him.” A glance at my watch told me it was time to go in for the kill: 8:24. Rachel crooked a finger at Pete, and he made his way over as I made my way back. Frank put a possessive arm around me, but continued to give polite attention to a redhead who was still doing her best to converse with him. I leaned over and spoke softly into his ear. “Frank,” I said in my huskiest whisper, “I’m not wearing any underwear.”
We thanked Bredloe and were on our way home by 8:27.
PETE CALLED AT 10:30. I couldn’t make much of Frank’s end of the conversation, but the result was that he got out of bed and put on jeans and a sweater; not the type of clothes he wears when he’s going out on a case. “What’s up?” I asked.
“I’ve got to go over to Pete’s for a minute. I’ll be right back.”
“Is something wrong?”
“No, no, he’s fine. Rachel’s fine. Everyone’s fine.” He was acting fidgety.
“Well, fine. I’m so glad everyone is fine. Want me to go with you?”
“No, no. I’ll be right back,” he said, scurrying out the front door.
I decided this was a perfect opportunity. The minute I heard Frank drive away, I called Jack and warned him I was coming over for the dog. I put on jeans and a sweatshirt, then closed the bedroom door on Cody. He doesn’t like being locked in rooms, but once he figured out there was a dog in the house, he’d appreciate the sanctuary.
Before Jack would part with the mutt, I had to tell him that the dog would be right next door and that he was free to come over and see it any time. The dog was easygoing about it all, walking along on the leash with the kind of manners that said someone must have taken some time to work with him. I brought him into the living room and brushed his coat. He was calm and well-behaved. He even put up with the indignity of having a ribbon tied around his collar. After all, he was a Christmas present.
I was amused to see his ears perk up when Frank’s car pulled up in the driveway. I heard Frank opening the door, and suddenly the dog bolted and went bounding down the hallway. I ran after him, heard Frank swearing, and came outside to see my intended lying flat on his ass in the front yard.
“Quick! They ran toward the beach!” he shouted as he scrambled to his feet. I wasn’t sure who “they” were, but I closed the front door and caught up with Frank as he made his way down the steps to the shore. In the moonlight I could see two large dogs cavorting and chasing each other along the beach.
“Where’d that other dog come from?” I panted.
“I don’t know, I could swear it came out of the house—” He suddenly stopped running. “Irene?”
I stopped too. “Oh, no. You got a dog for me for Christmas.”
“Yes, that’s why I went over to Pete’s. I was going to wait until tomorrow, but she was tearing up Pete’s yard.”
“Oh, yeah? Well, guess what I got you for Christmas?”
“Does it have four legs and a mean tackle?”
“He seemed well-mannered until you opened the door. Jack was keeping him until I could come over and get him tonight. Jack helped me pick him out.”
“Jack? But Jack knew I was getting a dog for you.”
Suddenly I remembered Jack’s amusement at my saying that if Frank didn’t like the dog, I would just keep the dog for myself.
“I think Jack figures he’ll take your dog if you don’t want him.”
“No way.”
We watched them run part way into the cold water and come tearing out again. Great. Two wet, sandy dogs. Remembering that Frank’s dog — that is, the one I was giving him — had such good leash behavior, I whistled as loud as I could. Sure enough, the pair came galloping toward us, tails wagging, and getting us as wet and sandy as they were when they reached us. We each grabbed a collar, and I got my first close look at my Christmas present.
She had long black fur, and seemed to be some kind of Labrador retriever mix. She had a white patch on her chest; floppy ears, and big soulful eyes. She was about the same size as Frank’s dog. She gave me a friendly nuzzle and reached out a paw for a shake. “Happy to meet you. What did you say your name was?”
“She doesn’t have one yet. I’m not familiar with the names of all of Tennessee Williams’s characters.”
“Well, he doesn’t have one yet either, since I’m not willing to call him all those things you said when you first met him.”
“Too bad. But I guess the neighbors wouldn’t enjoy hearing you shout that from the front porch every time you called for him.”
We made it back to the house and carried the dogs into the bathroom. They weren’t light, but we didn’t want them tracking sandy paw prints all over the house. We cleaned them up in the tub, rinsed it out, then made them sit outside of it while we got into the shower. While I lathered up his back, I thanked Frank for the present.
“Think you’ll want to keep her?”
“Yes. What about you?”
“Yeah, having two big dogs and Cody will be a handful, but let’s try it, okay?”
They started barking. In the confined space of the bathroom, it sounded like we had them on a boom box in an echo chamber.
We got out, dried off, and put on clean jeans and sweatshirts while pandemonium reigned. Telling them to be quiet was useless. We let them out, and they both went charging for the front door, barking. “Oh no, you don’t,” Frank said, going after them. “You two are going out to the backyard for a while.” But when he reached the front door, he stood stock still for a moment, then yanked open the door for them. They went charging out again, still barking, while Frank grabbed his gun.
“Frank, what the hell are you doing?”
“Stay inside and lock the doors!” he shouted over his shoulder, following the dogs. “Call 911 and tell them to roll a unit!” I heard the dogs quieting down and hurried toward the open door, but stopped cold about three feet away from it.
On the floor, just inside the doorway, was a bright red envelope with a computer label on it.
14
Dear Cassandra,
You must tell them that I have no quarrel with Alcyone. It is Ceyx who was to be punished. Poor Alcyone, still unaware. But it is done. Poseidon will bring him to you. Soon my work will be complete. Then we can be together, my beloved.
You see that I always know where you are, and who you are with. This does not concern me now. You will set these others aside in favor of me when you realize how powerful I truly am.
Your beloved,
Thanatos
Frank had carefully opened the letter, trying not to disturb any fingerprints that might be on the envelope. In addition to the letter, the envelope contained a small, shiny, odd-shaped key. A number was stamped into it.
“Lockbox key,” Frank said. “Probably show up on the Board of Realtors ‘lost and stolen’ list. I guess he wanted to let you know how he got into the house on Sleeping Oak.”
A helicopter passed overhead, searching for signs of the person who had hand-delivered this latest message. The dogs must have heard him skulking around the front door before he pushed the envelope through the mail slot. Frank never saw him; he was gone by the time Frank let the dogs out.
Jack came over, having heard the commotion. He sat down in the living room and read the letter without touching it. Frank and I were sitting on the couch, both feeling dejected. The dogs mirrored our mood, lying side by side with their heads on their paws. I distracted myself by lighting a fire in the fireplace, and checking on Cody, who had heard the barking and retreated to a closet shelf. I couldn’t seem to get w
arm. Frank put an arm around me, but still I was shivering.
“I’m sure you’ve figured out that he’s telling you he’s already killed his third victim,” Jack said.
I nodded. Frank said, “I know Poseidon is the god of the sea. Tell me about Alcyone and Ceyx.”
“He’s probably basing the letter on Ovid’s version of their story,” Jack began. “Ceyx was a king. He and his wife, Alcyone, were very devoted to one another. Ceyx planned a long sea voyage to visit an oracle.”
“His wife didn’t want him to go,” I said, remembering the story. “Alcyone had a sense of foreboding about it, and begged him to stay home, or to take her with him. He was reluctant to be separated from her, but didn’t want to endanger her. He promised to return as quickly as possible and began his voyage.”
“He should have listened to her,” Jack said. “The very first night, the ship was caught in a heavy storm. All hands were lost. Ceyx was grateful that his wife would not share his fate, and died saying Alcyone’s name over and over.
“But Alcyone, not knowing what had happened, passed her days weaving a new robe for him, and thinking of how happy she would be when they were reunited. She prayed to the gods for his safety, and they took pity on her.”
“She prayed to Hera, the goddess of marriage, right?” I asked.
“Yes, but Ovid, being Roman, called her Juno. Juno was moved to intervene. She called on Morpheus to help her.”
“The god of dreams?” Frank asked.
“Yes,” I replied. “Morpheus could assume any form or shape. He changed himself into the shape of Ceyx — Ceyx as he appeared drowned. Weeping, he stood by Alcyone’s bed, and told her — in Ceyx’s voice — that he was her husband’s ghost, and asked her to mourn for him.”
“Alcyone cried out to him in her sleep,” Jack said, “and suddenly awakened, feeling certain that Ceyx was dead. She went to the shore at dawn, and as she watched in agony, saw Ceyx’s body floating toward her. She ran into the water, and suddenly, instead of sinking, she was flying over the sea. The gods changed Alcyone and Ceyx into birds — kingfishers — and they’re always seen flying or riding the waves together.”