by Lange, Artie
I’ve realized something lately and this might come as a surprise, but I think gambling is my worst vice. It’s the one that led me down the path. Because if you think about it, when you gamble, especially the way I do, you really get the adrenaline going—and isn’t that what addiction and abuse are all about? I saw a friend of mine recently whom I’ve known since we were teenagers and he told me a story about myself that revealed a lot to me.
We were out one night about twenty years ago watching a Monday Night Football game and my buddy wanted to go home pretty early into the game.
“You’re leaving?” I asked.
“Yeah,” he said.
“Why? What’s wrong with you?”
“It’s a pretty boring game, Art.”
He was right. It was the Browns versus the Rams, and both teams sucked. “I’m gonna go home and get some sleep. I have to work tomorrow.”
“Hold on,” I said, as a true addict and degenerate gambler would. “I know a way to make this game not boring.”
My friend laughed at me. “Oh yeah, how’s that?”
“How much money do you have in your bank account right now?”
He looked at me funny. “Um, probably six hundred bucks.”
“Okay, bet $1,600 on the Browns. I’ve got a bookie we can call right now.”
“What are you talking about? Why would I do that?”
“C’mon, it’ll be fun. We’ll see what happens.”
He really looked at me funny then. “Art, why would I do that? I don’t know anything about the Browns.”
“Well, that’s perfect, that makes it even better! If you knew about them, if it was an educated guess, it wouldn’t be any fun! C’mon, man, let’s do it!”
Going in blind: that’s the action, that’s the juice. Not knowing what’s going to happen, not considering the consequences, that’s the high. The consequences are so insane when you’re betting more than you’re worth.
I got so worked up trying to talk him into it that he saw my true inner self and he never forgot it. Just the thought of placing that bet—not even with my own money—got me so excited I could barely sit on my bar stool. I have a gene in me that’s not found in most people.
“Artie, calm down, man. I’m not doing it. I’m going home.”
He did go home and we’re still friends, but I was definitely disappointed in the guy.
I now know that I’ve got a fire inside. I’ve learned not to romanticize it, but I’ve also learned the hard way that I can never say I’ve beaten it into submission and eliminated it because that would be a lie. You can’t destroy what’s a part of you, you can only learn to live with it. I’m going to do my best to live with that demon each and every day. Sure it’s going to come out, and I know there will be times when that part of me wins. Hopefully it’s during football season and I’ll get lucky, because let’s face it, there’s nothing like winning a long-shot bet. I can’t imagine a greater high than winning a ridiculously large wager because of a fluke like a Hail Mary. Which is pretty much what I am, as a person, if you think about it.
What can I say? Rooting for an underdog is not a winning strategy, but I can’t tell you not to do it because somehow it’s worked for me. It hasn’t been easy, in fact it’s mostly been hell, but it’s never been boring. And since my life is far from done and is changing every day, this won’t be my final answer, but after all I’ve been through I’d like to say this about my life right now, from the bottom of my heart: just being here is all right by me.
There’s something I figured out in therapy and through the writing of this book, so before I sign off, I’m coming clean, because I want to be honest with you guys. Basically this is it: I was completely suicidal on January 2, 2010. My intention was to kill myself. I did not want to wake up alive. Life as a heroin addict had become unbearable and I could think of no other way out. I am deeply ashamed and embarrassed by this and that is why I concocted the story of wanting to pass out and go to sleep, a story that I believed myself for a long time because it was easier to do than facing the truth. It’s taken me years to admit this to myself, but now that I can I’m admitting it to you. If I weren’t honest about it here, I’d be doing you, my readers, a gross injustice.
I need to be honest about something else, too. I’m writing this book for the money, but I sincerely hope it helps people who are addicts and the family members of addicts in some small way. I hope it helps everyone who reads it understand what addiction is and that there’s no quick fix, no magic pill, no miracle cure. I hope that admitting that heroin got me to a place in my life—which by the way, by anyone’s standards was a great life—that I willingly took a knife and plunged it into my gut nine times, hoping to die, will be a deterrent to anyone considering using drugs at any level. I make no moral judgments; people should do whatever they feel needs to be done to achieve happiness. John Lennon said it best: “Whatever gets you through the night, it’s alright, it’s alright.”
Just think of me and others like me before acting on certain things, because my mom, my sister, Adrienne, and other great people in my life are still here and that’s for now. I’m still kicking, I’m still performing, I’m still writing, I’ve got my radio show and I’m on TV and in the occasional movie. It feels good; it feels really good. I want to thank you all for sticking with me. All of my fans, you’re truly wonderful to me and I wish all of you happiness. If any of you are lost, hopefully this book will help you find your way somewhat. That’s the most you can ask of anything.
Until the next time,
Artie
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
To Richard Abate, my loyal agent, for never giving up and helping with business and creative issues equally great. Thanks again brother! Two books! Stacy Creamer! What can I say? You are my newest angel! THANKS! Here’s to the future as well. Much love to Dave Becky. As good as a friend and a manager gets! Jared Levine—brilliant lawyer. It’s always good news when Jared’s on the phone. Love you Jared! Tony Burton and Don Buchwald, you guys stuck with me! Thanks. Nick DiPaolo—the funniest guy I know, who doesn’t even know how to say something other than how it is! Respect! Julie Grau, your brilliant mind is all over this book. I will never forget the success we had together. I wish you nothing but happiness. Much Love! Chris Long, you are quite simply the coolest and most creative executive I’ve ever known! Thanks for taking a risk and believing in a slob like me. Much love and respect. Danny Falato, the coolest Cubs fan I know—seriously brother, I’m proud to call you a friend! Ted Knuetter—miss you. Melissa in Richard’s office, your help is unreal! John Valdastri, my travel God! Love ya, JV. Tim Sullivan: a friend and a coworker who takes care of me like a brother. He has become a brother! Chris C. and James C. at DirecTV! Everyone at Sunrise Detox in Jersey and Ambrosia Drug Rehab Center in West Palm Beach, Florida, for saving my life. To Frank Sebastiano for being insanely smart and funny—and for being my friend. And, of course, Anthony Bozza—The Wolf! You’re a genius! We are two for two partner—love ya! Lastly, all my family and closest friends! For always taking time to ask, “how is Artie doin’?” AND YOU FANS! ’Til the next one, guys.
Artie
ARTIE LANGE is a comedian and actor who has performed in sketch comedies, movies, TV, and radio. In 2001, Lange joined the cast of The Howard Stern Show, where he quickly became one of the most popular characters on the show. He is the author of the #1 New York Times bestseller Too Fat to Fish, a collection of narrative episodes from his life. Currently, Artie is very happy hosting The Artie Lange Show on the Audience Network for DirecTV.
ArtieQuitter.com
ANTHONY BOZZA is a former Rolling Stone staff writer and author of the New York Times bestsellers Whatever You Say I Am: The Life and Times of Eminem, Tommyland with Tommy Lee, Slash with Slash, and Too Fat to Fish with Artie Lange. He lives in New York City.
AnthonyBozza.net
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Copyright © 2013 by Arthur Lange, Jr.
All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information, address Touchstone Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020.
First Touchstone hardcover edition November 2013
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Interior design by Joy O’Meara
Jacket design by David Ter-Avaneysan
Front jacket photo by Paul Mobley
www.paulmobleystudio.com
Postproduction by Mike Campau
Back jacket photo by Adrienne Ockrymiek
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Lange, Artie, 1967–
Crash and burn / by Artie Lange with Anthony Bozza.—
First Touchstone hardcover edition.
pages cm
ISBN 978-1-4767-6511-2 (hardcover)—ISBN 978-1-4767-6512-9 (ebook)—ISBN 978-1-4767-6559-4 (trade paper) 1. Lange, Artie, 1967– 2. Comedians—United States—Biography. 3. Actors—United States—Biography.
I. Bozza, Anthony. II. Title.
PN2287.L2833A3 2013
792.702’8092—dc23
[B]
2013035351
ISBN 978-1-4767-6511-2
ISBN 978-1-4767-6512-9 (ebook)