"But what about your son…you're going to lose him?"
Gabby heard those words in her head almost every day. But hearing them from a stranger was harder. "Perhaps I should, Mr. Wyler." She was visibly shaking, as a new fear faced her. Her face was white with a new kind of grief. Grief he had caused. "If I was crazy enough to think this would work, perhaps I deserve it." She sat down on the seat and reached for the whip. "The one thing I learned a long time ago is that everything does not always work out for the best. One must accept that and go on."
But Ben grabbed the horse. "I can't let you just leave like this. We need to talk…"
"There's nothing to talk about." She started to whip the horse into movement. "You've said what you needed to say, and believe it or not, I respect you for it. At least you were honest. And I do respect that."
"Ask him." He cooed in a gentler voice, nodding to her son.
"Ask him what?" She barked, impatient to be on her way.
"Do you want to live with your grandparents or here on this ranch…with a mother and a father?" Ben looked at Jimmy for the first time.
The boy saw he was talking to him and stared. "I'd like to live here…with my Mama and a new papa."
"Jimmy, we'll talk about this later." She stopped and put down the whip. Her anger lit her face, making her more beautiful by the moment. "Ben…I didn't take to the idea of marrying a complete stranger either. So now that you've had your say in the matter, I'll have mine. I won't marry your father. I married a man much older than myself the first time. That was a mistake I won't repeat." She picked up the whip once more. "And you and I have nothing more to say to each other."
He soaked in her words.
"I never looked at my father's proposal as gallant, but I suppose it was, in a way."
She spared him a glance. "I know he means well, but…I just can't, and you've made yourself quite clear on the matter. I lay no blame on you for it. Believe me, I don't, but I must have been out of my mind to consider it. It was totally unfair and unrealistic to think that someone else could bail me out of my problems. I should have known better, and I am greatly ashamed of my actions."
"But you would have married me, if I had agreed?"
"Yes, and that too was a mistake…Look at you, you're a drunk, not much different from my husband. You've already had one lady for the day, I see, and I believe that is quite enough. Your father is much older…like my husband was. I won't make that mistake again either. I won't marry a drunk, or a man that is so much older than I am. I was wrong to come here. Please let me leave with some dignity."
"Well I'll be damned." Ben let out an uproarious laugh.
"You probably will…" she began.
"You really aren't after the land or the money are you?" He studied her face for a minute.
"My God, is that what you thought? Yes, I guess it is." She looked out the barn door, at the land that sprawled neatly for miles. "You have a beautiful ranch, Mr. Wyler, but that is not why I came here. I came here for my son!"
Frustrated she sighed heavily and stared into his warm brown eyes. Something stabbed at her as she gazed into his eyes. Some thread of a connection held her spellbound for a moment. "I had only one thought coming here. Saving my son from living with my husband's parents. Like the Wyler's they put money before love. I'd have done almost anything to keep from that. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe he'd be better off with them, than me. They can support him. With them he'll eat, he'll grow up and have a decent education, a chance, if you will. So far, I've done a poor job of that. You see our clothes, how tattered and worn, you see how thin we are, I'm totally at a disadvantage. I can't hide it. I feel like a charity case. I'm not too proud to admit the truth. I have nothing to offer you. I don't want your pity. I just want to get out of here with a little composure. Could you at least give me that? Goodbye, Mr. Wyler."
"No he wouldn't…" Ben affirmed quite finally.
"Wouldn't what? What are you talking about?" She shook her head, unable to contemplate what he was saying.
"Your son wouldn't be better off with them and you know it. You’re his mother, and anyone can see he loves you. He belongs with you."
She closed her eyes for a moment, willing the tears to go away. "And I love him, and I must do whatever is best for him. Can't you see? He's so thin; a strong wind would blow him away. He hasn't eaten right in ages. You saw him at the supper table. He hasn't so much as seen that much food in his life. Over the past few days, all we've had is beef jerky, and little of that. Don't you see, I've failed? I can't support him, that's the truth of the matter, Mr. Wyler. It's the ugly truth. I'm not proud of it, but it's there in front of me, I've failed." Despite her desperate attempt to remain calm, tears were in her voice. "This was my last hope. I see I was wrong. I'll do what I have to do…for his sake." She sighed with determination, she moved to whip the horse into a trot.
Ben watched her go, and something tore at him. He hadn't meant to hurt her, to inflict more problems for her. This wasn't the way it was supposed to be. She was an innocent in this; it was his father he needed to lay blame to. However, truth be known, his father had been trying to help her. He just hadn't seen it in time. He was totally at fault.
Even though he'd refused her hand in marriage, he admired her spunk, and her wisdom. But what she was about to do was all wrong and even he knew it. If there was one thing he knew about her, she loved her son. She deserved her son.
She was right about another thing, they were starving. He could easily wrap an arm around her twice. He remembered how the boy had eaten the food so fast and wanted more but was afraid to ask for it. He saw how rail thin she was too. For God's sake, he'd been wrong, very wrong.
He wasn't a monster. He hadn't meant to hurt her further.
He hung his head.
"She tries to save her son; you try to save your pride. No one wins…" Pedro shook his head as he came into the barn once more, his frustration quite obvious as he stared at Ben.
"For once Pedro…you're right…" Ben informed him and went to get his horse. "But pride be damned. For once in my life, I’m going to do the right thing."
Without saying a word, he sped out of the barn on his horse Thunder and followed her trail.
In minutes he caught up to her and he caught the horse and stopped them. He turned the rig around and started back for the ranch.
"You can't do this!" She protested.
"Watch me." He roared and led the horse back.
Gabby fumed. "What are you trying to do?"
"Haven't you heard? We're going to be married." Ben laughed.
"But…"
Chapter Five
"So now you are going to marry her?" His father asked, as he stood by his chair and stared past him into the flickering firelight. The flames lit in his eyes. Ben watched him; he knew he wasn't convinced, only time would do that. He waited for his answer before speaking.
"That's the idea." Ben answered simply.
"Why?" His father thundered, his quiet broken by his haughty voice. "What suddenly changed your mind?"
Helena passed by them, with a thunderous look at Jason. Jason tensed his shoulders and shot her an equally glaring glance.
"Because," Ben frowned at first, and then stared at his father, ignoring his billowing voice and arrogant manner. "You were right. Totally and completely right. They are starving, she can't support him, and she'll lose that boy. Despite everything I've done to the contrary, I'm not so low I can't recognize her desperation. In addition, I believe that losing her son, might actually kill her. From what I've seen and heard today. I want no part of that killing. Besides, mother would have wanted me to do what I could."
"And you suddenly care? Is that what you are telling me?"
"Incredible as it may seem, I'd never let someone starve to death, father, if I could help it. Putting you and me aside for the moment, yes, I do. She blatantly loves that boy. Sometimes there is nothing sweeter than seeing a mother with her child."
Jason g
lanced at him, his voice skeptical, "Don't tell me you've finally gotten a heart about you son. It's a little hard to digest."
"Finally Father?" Ben frowned and started to walk away. Ben got a far away look in his eyes. "Do you remember how Mama used to comb Libby's hair?"
Jason's expression changed almost immediately.
"Oh yes, many an evening I watched them. Both their faces beaming with love…," his father marveled quietly. "Of course I remember."
"I see that same beam with Gabby and her son." Ben explained. "It's an unselfish love. Something you and I know very little about. But I recognize it."
Jason glanced upstairs, there was no noise coming from Gabby's room, he assumed she was asleep.
Ben walked around the room, looking at minor details of the things he had come to love about this place. All of a sudden, it hit him how he took so much for granted, every day.
"I've always had a heart dad; you've just never seen it before. It doesn't mean she'll ever come to love me or I her, or even that we will be the perfect family. It doesn't mean we'll have an idealic life. It just means, I'm righting this wrong. Someday I'll probably do her a favor and move along. However, she and the kid will have a place to live, a place to belong, just as you intended all along. Just once, I commend you for seeing what I didn't. And I'll admit, you were right about her. Maybe, just maybe it's the first decent thing I've done in a while. But I'll have to admit, there is something that changed my mind."
"Oh, and what is that? If you care to share it with me." Jason raised an eyebrow in question.
"The fact that Mother and Jen would have wanted me to help her. I know that for fact. I felt them actually reaching out to me from the grave, prodding me toward her. It was clear in my mind, I felt it. Despite what's between you and me, you were right about this. And I for once was wrong."
Jason's expression changed, and a light came into his eyes. He nodded, but didn't say anymore. Ben glanced at him and saw the tear lodged in the corner of one eye. That one unshed tear spoke volumes. For the first time since their death, his father displayed emotion, and Ben was shocked. He'd been wrong about his father's lack of grief as he saw it now. It had been shoved deep down inside the man, but it was there.
Normally, his father would gloat in his victory, but secretly he was glad his father didn't push him any further for an explanation, because in truth, he wasn't sure what made him agree so suddenly.
Perhaps it was that streak of pride the woman displayed when she boldly lit out of the barn in the buggy, or that niggling feeling that he was in the wrong all along. Maybe it was the niggling feeling of his mother and sister reaching out from the grave and touching his heart, he could not completely explain his quick turn-around.
His heart swelled when he realized his father had the best of intentions all along. The fact that maybe he'd misjudged his father all along, and he was just beginning to see the man he was. Enlightened, Ben nodded slowly.
"She's a good woman; all I ask is that you don't hurt her." Jason pleaded her case. "She's been hurt enough. And you are quite right, your mother and sister would want, no…expect us to help."
"Yeah, I can see that…Anyone could see that. Not that she'll be getting the best of the deal." Ben's voice wavered. "Did you see the way the boy ate his supper? As though he'd never seen so much food and he couldn't get enough of it. Yet he didn't ask for seconds. And she's so thin…I don't know how she has the energy to stand up."
"I saw…and I'm glad they are here. They won't starve any longer, of that I'm sure." Jason nodded. "Well, I think I'll turn in. Goodnight son."
It wasn't his words, it was the way his father said, 'son' that had Ben staring after him and thinking about that a long time. His father had sounded…proud!
"Goodnight….dad" Ben sighed in a whisper. Somehow, this little talk had done more repair than he imagined possible.
Jason went upstairs and into his bedroom, closing the door gently.
Ben sat in front of the fire, wondering what this would mean for him. He knew nothing about this woman except she'd had a hard life. However, he'd take it one day at a time.
Deep down there was something about becoming a family that appealed to him, but he wasn't sure how things would work out. It was new territory for him to explore.
Just as he was about to get up and go upstairs to his own room, Gabby tiptoed down the stairs with a lamp in her hand.
It was late.
"Mind if I get some warm milk?" She asked hesitantly. "It will settle Jimmy's stomach. He ate too much, he's got a bellyache."
"I noticed he seemed in a hurry at supper."
"Please forgive his bad manners. It's the first decent meal he's had in some time." She admitted. "And strangely, I know how pitiful that sounds, and I don't want to sound pitiful, but…"
"There's nothing pitiful about it, he was hungry. At least he has a healthy appetite. Help yourself." Ben turned to look at her in the shadows of the room. "He won't go hungry again, I can promise you that, not as long as he's here. Nor will you."
"Thank you." She paused looking at him. "But—can I ask you something?"
"Of course." He turned and studied her intently.
"W-what changed your mind?" She barely got the words out, before she recovered her composure. "I can tell you set out to disappoint me, and you succeeded, but what suddenly changed your mind? I know you weren't drunk, because I've been around a real drunk enough to know."
Ben was quiet for a moment, and again he felt that strange pull from the grave. "I'm not really sure. The way you faced your problems head on, knowing you might have to give your son up and yet, thinking only of him. Selflessness. And maybe the fact that you needed us…as much as we need you."
"I don't understand…How could you possibly need us?"
Ben shrugged and crossed his arms over his chest negligently. "I don't understand it either, but when you were about to leave in the wagon, I felt something hit a chord deep down. Your needs were genuine for one thing, and I had to change things…for all of us. It had come down to me and my stubborn pride. It seemed selfish to withhold something I could provide easily. Sometimes pride isn't worth the effort. One doesn't reach a hand to another without feeling the elation of it. I'll admit I have too much pride, but one thing I do know–my mother and sister would have wanted it this way…and I'm not sure why, but maybe in time…I'll come to understand it."
"You misunderstand. I don't want your charity…" She began, shaking her head. "To be pitied is almost like a slap in the face. I have pride too. But for my son I'd bend it."
"What do you want?" He stared straight at her, waiting for her answer.
"I want a home for my son…" She began, her eyes pleading for a new understanding.
"What else?"
"That's all I’m expecting out of this." She confided quietly about to turn toward the kitchen once more. "I haven't belonged anywhere since I left home. Like a fish out of water, I've been so out of place, and my son, has never had stability. That's why I was finally considering letting his grandparents take him. When it gets right down to the final straw of things, you realize you have to do what is best for your child."
"What makes you so selfless?" Ben searched her face for answers.
"I'm a mother…it comes natural. Bringing a child into the world holds a great responsibility. I owe my son the best I can give him."
"And you? What do you want?" He probed.
"To be treated fairly, a chance to prove my worth. A good, clean life…"
"All of this was rushed upon me, and I didn't have time to consider what it might mean. However, I'd like to try to make this work. I like kids. And you are a very beautiful woman." Ben asked. "So…can he call me Pa?"
"If you like. I won't force either of you." She drawled softly.
"That's fair."
She wore a robe that had seen better days and tied around her tiny waist it looked almost too big for her. The fact that these two had nearly starved to death wrappe
d around Ben's heart and squeezed. For once, his father had been right. They had suffered greatly. It was hard to image what they had gone through when here food was abundant every day of his life. He had so much and he had taken it for granted. Now he began to see more clearly, like a window opening, and the fresh air stirred.
The house was quiet now, Helena had gone to bed, and no one was up but the two of them. The only light in the room came from the fireplace and her small kerosene lamp. Gabby moved the lamp around so she could find the milk and a glass in the dark kitchen.
"Look," Ben came into the kitchen and watched her. "I know you are as hesitant as I am about all of this, but maybe we should clear the air a bit. I'll admit I'm marriage shy, mainly because I don't know you. And I'm equally sure you feel the same."
"Yes, you are right." She nodded. "I just came from one marriage that wasn't very successful and I'm jumping into another that I have no idea how it will turn out. I'm not even sure I'm doing the right thing, thrusting my troubles on you."
"There are no guarantees with any marriage. So, what say we take this slow and easy? Get to know each other a little, as we go along. You don't have to sleep with me, if you don't want to. However, we will need to keep up appearances, if you know what I mean. I may have to kiss you in public every now and then, and tease you a little, like regular married folks do. I want you to understand, I won't force myself on you. And this will be your home."
She glanced at him, and her throat constricted when she realized how close she stood to him. "I guess I should thank you for that. There is one thing that bothers me, and I hate to make mention of it, but it does rather scare me."
Ben's smile began to fade. "Yes?"
"Your drinking. My husband did too, and it led to other things. My son has been witness to a man who would slap his mother across the room. If you ever hit my child, or me I'll leave you…Not for myself, but for Jimmy. He's seen things he doesn't need to see ever again. And if it ever comes to that, I want you to know now, I'll leave…"
Love As Big As Texas Page 5