"No…I didn't." Gabby wondered why. "Grandpa and Grandma Campbell, were here?" Worry clouded Gabby's face once more.
"They wanted me to go with them, but Pa and Grandpa wouldn't let them take me."
Gabby took in this information with trepidation. "You like it here, don't you Jimmy?"
"Yes. Mama, I like Ben, and I'm going to call him Pa. And Mr. Wyler grandpa. And I met lots of cousins. And Ford is a lot of fun, he's got a pet frog, he can jump too."
"That's fine honey. I'm glad you are happy."
"Aren't you happy?"
"Of course, darling…"
Jimmy smiled, reached up, kissed her on the cheek, and closed his eyes. "Night Mama."
"Night darling."
He had eaten so much, but in a week's time he had began to look almost fully filled out again. She looked in the mirror at herself and saw that the dark spots under her eyes were disappearing, but she was still quite tiny. Her bosom was small her waist was tiny, there was nothing filled out on her. She wondered what Ben really thought of her. It had been a long time since she'd worried about her own looks. Now it seemed important. Ben was a fine looking man, and she did need to pay attention to herself. She'd try to eat more. She barely had any curves to her. She was tall and willowy, as her father had described her.
She wrapped her arms around herself, remembering the feel of Ben's lips on hers. The most womanly of feelings raced through her veins. He was the only man that stirred those feeling in her, she mused. It excited her, and it made her worry. She had to take things from day to day. It was too soon to measure the depth of her own feelings,
She had to admit one thing to herself, Jimmy's father never made her feel like that, never made her yearn for things that she thought impossible. She shrugged away her memories.
Strangely enough, Ben was the first man to make her feel like a female. It was a new and exciting feeling.
She didn't mind being tall, because when she danced with Ben, she could easily lay her head on his shoulder and look up and reach for his kisses. She felt herself swoon, and color rushed to her cheeks. She had to stop fantasizing about a man that might never love her.
It made no sense, she barely knew Ben and yet he evoked more sensations than anyone ever had with her. Yet deep down she feared she could be headed for real trouble. Ben was not the settling down type and he'd told her so. He might soon tire of her. She had to guard her feelings…or try.
She sighed heavily. Whatever was she thinking?
Ben had spent the day trying to make her feel at home and his efforts didn't go unnoticed.
However, she needed to talk to Ben about the Campbell's. And she needed to do that tonight.
Chapter Nine
Helena had moved Jimmy to sleep in her room just in case Ben and Gabby decided to consummate the marriage. Helena prayed they would.
That decision hadn't been made yet.
Gabby sat by the fire that night for a long time. She stared into the flames mesmerized. She had no idea what Ben expected of her. Now that they were married, she'd do right by him.
Ben finished tending the horses in the barn and came inside. He washed his hands and came into the parlor.
"I thought you'd be in bed." He whispered as he joined her by the fire. He had a handful of pecans from one of the big trees out front, he handed her some.
Gabby shook her head. "No…not yet. It was an exciting day, guess I'm still a little wound up by it all." She tried to smile.
"So, was your first wedding nice?" Ben asked as he shelled some nuts in his hand and offered her some. He stood over her at the couch.
She seemed to contemplate her answer.
"No…not exactly. You see, my father didn't approve of us getting married. We had to run off and get married by the justice of the peace. Because I was under age, we had to go to the Colorado border to get married. Afterwards, we traveled most of the night to the mine. I remember it was raining something fierce, and a bit nippy. We went to the mining camp and slept with a hoard of other miners and their wives in one large tent. There was no privacy. Very unromantic and very sad. I lay down under the covers, and he took me, then rolled over and went to sleep without so much as a goodnight. I cried all night. I guess I expected more, I don't know.
"I guess I had too many dreams of what marriage might be like. I looked around at the huge camp of prospectors, and their haggard wives who followed them, and I cried that night, and knew my father had been right after all. It was my own fault. It was too late to correct the wrongs. I remember thinking I'd try to do right by him, no matter what. Still, I think I must have failed miserably. Most of the women there seemed to feel the same way as I about being married. You could see the disappointment in their faces. I guess at one time they all had dreams too. Reality can be hard to bear, sometimes."
"You lay down and he took you, and that was it?"
Ben's eyes were wide with shock.
"I guess I shouldn't have said it that way, but yes, that's what happened."
"My God, Gabby!"
He looked stunned. She didn't understand.
After a long silence, he shook his head. "Well, maybe this wedding made up for it some. How old were you when you married him?"
"Seventeen. We married on the Colorado line, so my age wouldn't matter. I was young and very stupid. I had so many fairy tale dreams. I call them the mixed up years of my life. Most of my dreams were soon destroyed and I woke up to reality with a bang, so to speak. I guess I was too much of a rebel. I should have listened to my father."
"That's young. It sounds like we have a few things in common. I'm a born rebel too. I love my father; make no mistake about that, but sometimes…"
"Yes, I can tell. You butt heads."
"So go on, tell me more about your life in Colorado."
"Well," she blinked in thought. "I got pregnant very quickly. After that,…Frank didn't touch me. To tell the truth, I was kind of glad. At first, he seemed happy to be a father. But after the baby came, he changed. He hated the crying and would storm out of the tent, angry. We lived in the community tent the first year, then we got a place of our own. There weren't many babies there, most of the women were older, much older.
"Frank changed after that first year. But for a while, it wasn't bad. He even had a few plans of what the future would be like. Then after Jimmy was born, things began to change, but not because of Jimmy. Frank became obsessed about the mine and finding gold. It never happened. He couldn't live with that. He said he was too old to start all over in life. He was right about that."
"Why didn't he touch you?" Ben's face screwed up into a frown.
Gabby's face flushed. She hadn't meant to confess so much about her marriage. "A lot of reasons I guess." She pinked. "I married him not knowing much about what married life was. I was ignorant. Smart enough to know I had to lay down for him, dumb enough to know there should have been more perhaps. In the end, he got what he wanted. A kid. Unfortunately, he ended up not wanting a child either. What he really wanted was to be rich. That was his dream, his only dream. While I was dreaming about the little white picket fence and all the children, we'd have to play in the yard.
"Frank, he wanted to show the world what he could do. Who he was. He wanted and needed to feel important. When the mine failed to produce, he took to drinking and I wouldn't allow him to touch me after that. So he didn't come home half the time. I learned after that, that I wasn't always so willing to just lie down. I refused a time or two and he took me anyway. After the second time, after he had to knock me out to do it, he got up and swore he'd never come home to me again, and he didn't." She glanced away from Ben for a moment. "It was just a bad situation after that. I guess I wasn't as good a wife, as I had planned to be."
Ben stared at her, in shock. Frank had raped her, twice. Bile roiled in Ben's stomach, to think this sweet, lovely creature had been subjected to such a man. No wonder she was as afraid of marriage as he was.
"I'm not telling you this so yo
u'll feel sorry for me. Please don't pity me, I couldn't bear it. I'm trying to tell you how ignorant I was about life. I was as ill prepared for marriage as he was for losing his dream of finding gold. We were both ignorant in different ways, of course."
"I can see why you didn't want him to come home?"
She shrugged. She didn't want to go into the whole sordid story. Sympathy was not what she sought with Ben. "Needless to say I didn't mourn his passing as I should have. However, I had respect for the fact that he was Jimmy's father. Although to tell the truth, they never developed much of a relationship. Jimmy rarely even saw him."
"And does he miss him?"
Gabby glanced at Ben, "If he has, he wouldn't have latched on to you so quickly. He never talks about him. I think my son simply misses having a father."
"Well, he doesn't have to any longer. I would like to adopt Jimmy, give him my name, so he'll know we are a family. So he can hold his head high and be like all the other kids."
"You'd do that for us?" Gabby gasped, glancing at him.
His eyes lit with admiration. She said us.
"Why not. He's a fine boy. And when he starts school he'll have our name. It'll give him a fair start. Kids can be uncommonly cruel about things like a name." Ben reflected.
"I never thought of that. But I suppose you are right."
"Unless of course, you object."
"No…I don't." Gabby reassured him. Silently she thought about Ben's generous offer to adopt Jimmy and that alone could make her love Ben. She suddenly realized that there was quality in her new husband. A quality she loved.
"Good. So…Why are you up tonight?"
"Jimmy told me the Campbell's were here. I wanted to ask you about that. Were they?"
"Yeah, they were. I didn't want to say anything about it, because it's your wedding day and I didn't want to spoil your day."
"That was sweet of you, but, what were they doing here?"
"They weren't invited if that's what you mean. Because I didn't want a ruckus of any kind on this day. This was your day and I didn't want to give them the satisfaction of ruining it for you."
Gabby blushed but faced him. "What happened?"
"Not much, they said they wanted Jimmy. I told them that was impossible."
"Were they satisfied? Did you tell them we married?"
"I did, and needless to say they were shocked. But it was Dad and Jimmy who saved the day." Ben smiled, taking her hand in his. He rubbed the top of her hand while he talked. He didn't seem to realize he was doing it, but she noticed the gesture.
"How?" She looked baffled.
"My dad told them it was their son that didn't support you and Jimmy and that if they pursued this, it would come out in court how he failed to support his family. Then Jimmy spoke up. He told them he didn't want anything to do with anyone that would hurt his mother. I was never prouder than that moment."
"Jimmy said that?" Gabby gasped.
"Yes you'd have been proud of him." Ben smiled at her. "He sure loves you."
"Did they seem satisfied?"
"No, but I don't think they will do any more damage." Ben chuckled.
"Maybe it was best I didn't see them, then." She sighed, putting her barefeet under her.
"You'd have been even more nervous. My mother told me something about my father once that really stuck." Ben confessed.
"Oh, what was that?" Gabby looked interested.
"She said a woman that has a good wedding day can learn to make herself happy the rest of her married life. If just one day…her dreams can come true."
Gabby thought about that a moment and a slow smile spread across her face. "I think…" she began in a low voice. "She was right."
He squeezed her hand. "I hope that's true…for you too."
She was wearing her thin, ragged robe. He looked at her once more.
Suddenly, without thinking, or asking, he pulled her feet out from under her and started massaging them with his hands. The way he did that, so slow and so erotically gentle. Gabby never knew something like that would make her respond so easily. He was relieving the tension that had built throughout the day. Not only that, but the way he did it, and the expression on his face, said much more. He pulled up the robe just enough to massage her legs and feet. Never had she felt anything quite so relaxing in all her life.
"That feels…wonderful," she groaned, closing her eyes. His long fingers went between her toes and gently rubbed her.
"Don't laugh, but I saw my father do this one time for my mother, when I slipped downstairs after I was supposed to be in bed. He just took her feet, and rubbed them for a long time, and the expression on Mama's face, was worth a thousand words. She told me later, that some times it was the little things like that, that made her day."
"She was a wise woman, your mother…" Gabby sighed.
"You've got small feet. And icy cold."
She looked at her feet. "I never noticed."
"You can quit worrying." he stopped and let her put her feet under her again. "I don't expect you to sleep with me…If that's what is troubling you." He glanced at her.
"Not troubling, but it was on my mind. We hadn't spoken of it much and I wasn't sure what you expected of me." She answered honestly. "I mean, I am your wife, we are married. You have a right…"
"So you'd just lay down for me and let me, huh?" He asked softly.
"Well I mean…yes, I guess so." Her face was crimson. Was he mocking her?
He stared at her. "Gabby, making love isn't a right, it's a privilege. And I don't want you to just lay down for me."
"I don't understand." She looked quizzically into his face.
"No…I guess you don't. Look, when and if we make love…I want you to be an active participant. It isn't about lying down and taking it, it's about feelings, and expressing those feelings. It's about expressing the love in something other than words. What you experienced with your husband wasn't making love."
She looked puzzled. "I don't understand what you are saying."
"That was sex. When I rubbed your feet just now, didn't you feel anything?"
She blushed, "Well, yes."
"That's part of what love feels like? That good all over feeling you get when someone touches you."
She still looked confused.
"There's a difference in making love and having sex with a woman, Gabby. Men learn this early on. Women sometimes never do. But rest assured, when and if it happens, it won't be because of a right. It'll be because we both want it." His hand came up and a finger dotted her lips. He held it there for a minute. "You're trembling."
She held her breath. "You have a strange way about you. I never expected tenderness to be a part of you. When I met you, and realized how against this marriage you were, I figured you would be rough, like Frank. But…the way you talk…about things…makes me wonder."
"Well don't wonder. If we come together Gabby, it won't be like that. And you will feel the difference."
"When I first met you, I put you in the same category as my late husband. You drank, and you didn't want marriage. I figured you were like him. You're not at all like him."
"I'm glad you see a difference. I didn't drink because I thought myself a failure, or I'd given up on life. I drank because I lost something I loved very much and I didn't know how to deal with it when my very own father seemed not to deal with it at all."
"You're not at all what I expected." She conceded breathlessly.
"No. Is that good or bad?"
"You’re a surprise." She smiled shyly.
"What I expect is you to do what you want to do. You are my wife, and I won't push you for anything you don't want to give…"
"That's very thoughtful of you…" She tried to smile.
"Good, then we can lay that fear to rest." He stared at her a moment. "When and if you are ever ready to take our relationship further, just let me know…"
"How will I know if you are ready?" She asked.
"It won't be hard to fig
ure that out." He smiled. "Because Gabby, I'm ready now–"
"How can that be?" She gasped looking into his eyes, and his soul.
"A man is different than a woman, he goes by animal instincts." He whispered softly, his finger curling around a curl at her shoulders. "He feels, he reacts. A woman tends to examine those feelings first, before she reacts. Which despite the frustration keeps everything more in balance?"
"You're absolutely right." She marveled in a whispered breath.
"Don't worry, Gabby, I think I'll be able to tell…"
"My body says one thing, my mind another, and oddly my heart even another."
"I've heard when you really love someone it will come natural to you. And you won't just lay down, Gabby."
"I guess I was doing it all wrong. No wonder Frank was frustrated."
"I don't think Frank was interested in making love, Gabby."
"How do you know so much about it? You said you've never loved a girl."
Ben twisted himself to stare into her shining eyes. "I love my family, the ranch, my animals, my friends, but no, I've never been in love with a woman. But I won't lie…I've made love to women before. It wasn't just sex either. I made love to them, because they were of the gentler sex. Because they gave me a gift, their body. I respected that. But, it wasn't much different than Fran, if you look at it. It meant little, because there were no real feelings between us. There has to be feelings, on both sides for making love to work. So it wasn't satisfying. I guess when you get right down to it, that wasn't making love either. That was lust, pure animal instinct. When the right woman comes along, she'll wrap her arms around me, melt when I kiss her, and touch me, as I'll touch her. Men have dreams too, Gabby."
"They do?" She looked surprised again. "But you've been with some women?" She questioned.
"I won't lie to you, I have. Does that bother you?"
"No, not at all. In fact, I'm glad."
His facial expression looked puzzled. "Why?" He asked with amusement.
"Because you wouldn't want a teacher that didn't know how to teach, teaching your child. You wouldn't want a carpenter that knew nothing of wood, building your house. And you wouldn't want a lover that knew nothing of making love. As you say, I suppose some men don't know how. And I guess a lot of women don't."
Love As Big As Texas Page 9