by Amity Cross
Jude…well, he was another story entirely.
It was November, which meant it was a year since I was at the comic convention back in Melbourne and six months since I arrived in the United States. It also meant that today I was twenty-six years old. That’s right. Old. I was hoping that everyone was clueless to the fact that it was another opportunity to have cake at the office. I just wanted to coast through the entire day undetected.
Truthfully, I didn’t want to be reminded because one year ago today, I was trapped in an elevator with Jude Atwood. That was the moment my life had changed irrevocably. It was also the day I met the man I could never have. Yay me.
Riding the elevator up to the office, I read the birthday message Melody had sent me overnight. It was a silly picture of a cat in a birthday hat sitting on a cake. Birthdays sucked. Part of me wished I could just skip the entire day and pick up where I had left off tomorrow. Life so needed a remote.
Today was a table read for one of the last episodes of the season. There were only a handful of scripts left to work through, and then everything would be wrapped up in a nice little package. We’d been extended out from a twenty-two episode run to a twenty-eight, which meant at least another six weeks on set past the original wrap date. Minimum.
I still didn’t know if my contract would be renewed, and since the meeting with Sharon, I was too scared to ask. Best to play it by ear and save my money in case things went belly up.
As I stepped out of the elevator and into reception, I frowned as I was greeted with an empty desk. The receptionist, Rachel, was usually there on the phone, but today, she was nowhere to be seen. Not thinking much of it, I wandered down the hall and opened the door to the conference room.
“Happy birthday!”
The room erupted in cheers, and I blinked in bewilderment as people came up and congratulated me. The weird thing about birthdays was the fact that people always asked how it felt to be another year older. I was always like, ‘I’m another year closer to death. I feel great!’
“Did you think we were going to let this one slide?” Candy declared, appearing beside me.
“I secretly hoped,” I replied as she guided me to the table where they had a cake and a pile of paper plates set up.
“And deny us our cake?” Gwen exclaimed.
I was super lucky it was table read day because everyone was here to witness my embarrassment and special treatment. Tessa hung back in the corner, flipping through the new script and rolling her eyes every so often.
“Happy elevator day,” Jude murmured, accosting me after everyone’s attention had turned to chocolate, cream, and strawberries.
He pressed his lips against my cheek softly, and the skin began to tingle. He just dove in and BAM, laid it on me.
I just smiled like an A-class idiot and shook my head.
“Can you believe it’s been a year already?” he asked.
“No. Not at all.”
“Time flies when you’re having fun, eh?” He winked, sending me into a tailspin.
“Okay!” Maisy clapped her hands to get everyone’s attention. “As much as I like standing around eating cake, we’ve got a script to hash out.”
Jude wiggled his eyebrows up and down and moved off to take his seat on the other side of the table. Sliding into a chair beside Vanessa, I settled down ready to get to work and forget it was my birthday at all.
Gwen perched on the other side and set a plate in front of me.
“Can’t have you missing out on your special day,” she said with a smile.
If they only knew. No one had mentioned the elevator incident, and I was glad it had been forgotten.
As soon as the table read was over, Tessa shoved her chair away from the table and stalked from the room. Glad she was gone, I took my time gathering my things as everyone went their separate ways. I had some good ideas to play with for our meeting after lunch, and I fully intended to hide out in the common room until then.
Before I could disappear, Jude cornered me.
“Hey,” he said. “How’ve you been?”
“Busy.” I bit my bottom lip, hoping that he didn’t take my brush off too much to heart.
“I figured. We’ve been slammed on set this week. Lots of action scenes to get down.”
Before I realized what he was up to, he stashed something into my bag.
“From the look of horror on your face earlier, I guessed you didn’t want a fuss made over your birthday,” he said.
“I don’t do well with attention, you know that.” Even as I said it, curiosity won out, and I slipped my hand into my bag, but Jude shook his head.
“Don’t open it here,” he said, nodding toward the spot where some of the cast were still lingering. “Later.”
“Don’t feel obligated to buy me a birthday present,” I said, starting to feel uncomfortable.
“Then it’s an anniversary present,” he said smugly.
“Great.”
“So, what are you doing for the holidays?”
“Oh,” I said, glancing away. “I don’t have any…” I finished off my awkward sentence with a shrug.
Everyone had a few days off for Thanksgiving, which was an alien holiday to me coming from Australia, then there was an episode scheduled to film in early December. After it wrapped, there was a couple of weeks of downtime over Christmas and New Years. It would be great to have some time off, but I hadn’t thought about what I was going to do.
Truthfully, I wasn’t thinking about it because I never did anything anyway. Holidays like those were all about family. None of the foster families I stayed with kept in touch, so I had no one to go home to. The last few years, Melody invited me to spend it with her and her folks, but I always felt…apart from it all.
“You haven’t made any plans?” he asked, raising his eyebrows. “I figured you’d travel someplace.”
“You figured?” I liked his assumptions, end sarcasm.
“Well…” He shrugged.
I sighed and glanced across the room to where Candy had one eye on her costar Tate and one on us.
“I don’t really know where to go,” I said, turning so I didn’t have to look at my overly curious friend. “Any suggestions?”
“You should go to New York,” Jude replied. “It’s bitterly cold in the winter, but it’s amazing. The snow, the ice skating in Central Park, and the Christmas decorations. Amazing.”
Thinking about all the TV shows and movies I’d seen growing up, it did have this whole Christmas miracle thing going for it. Maybe I’d get one of my own. It wouldn’t be Miracle on 34th Street or Home Alone Lost in New York, but it would be something.
“It does sound really nice…” I said, trailing off as I let the idea bloom in my mind…and it was a nice thought that I could afford to do it if I wanted to.
“Let’s go to New York,” Jude declared.
My heart skipped a beat, but I wasn’t about to get my hopes up. “What?”
“Let’s go. You and me.”
“You and me?” I narrowed my eyes, the memory of falling asleep with him and our interlude in the hallway the day after rising to the surface of my heart.
Don’t get attached, Lux, I thought. It doesn’t mean any more than friends.
“Yeah. After Thanksgiving weekend, we film the next episode, and then we get a couple of weeks off for the holidays. It’s perfect. Christmas and New Years.”
“Don’t you have plans with Tessa?”
He shook his head. “Nope. I don’t think we’re getting back together. Right now, it’s just too hard.”
What?
His words said that they were still broken up, but his tone said otherwise. Right now, it’s just too hard. That didn’t mean the door was open for me.
“Oh…” I said uncertainly, “What about your family?”
“Nup,” he said. “My parents split a few years back, and they always fight over who gets to have their superstar son at the dinner table. So, to piss them off, I don�
�t go at all.”
It was the first time he’d spoken about his family, and he’d said it so candidly that I was dazed for a moment. I’d had nice enough people who I’d stayed with for short periods of time, but I’d never had a true family. Not even one that fought and got divorced.
His eyes widened as realization dawned on him. “Ah, shit,” he cursed. “I’m sorry, Lux. I didn’t mean—”
“Don’t worry about it.” I glanced away. “Can’t miss what I never had.”
Jude sighed, glancing over his shoulder. “Come to New York for Christmas.”
“I’ll think about it.”
“Promise?”
I shifted uneasily. “Promise.”
He smiled, his lip pulling up at the side. “Good. Let me know.”
He backed away before turning and disappearing through the door, leaving me with the mother lode. A possible trip away to one of the most amazing cities in the world, and a ticking time bomb in my bag.
Glancing around the room, I made sure no one was looking, and I darted out of the conference room and down the hall to the ladies’ bathroom. Closing myself in a stall, I pulled out the package Jude had slipped into my bag.
It was a small, rectangular box that had been wrapped in blue paper with a tiny silver, stick-on bow on one corner. Carefully unwrapping it, I uncovered a black velvet box underneath that screamed jewelry.
Holding it in my hands, I almost didn’t want to open it. Jude buying me jewelry, even as a friend, was more than I could handle. It fed my addiction in a way that was damaging to a recovering addict. You know, like getting an alcoholic drunk. I didn’t want to have these feelings for a man who wasn’t available to me, but I couldn’t help it. Jude, why did you have to be so…you.
Knowing I would never be strong enough to resist temptation, I opened the box and stifled a gasp as his present was revealed.
Sitting on white velvet with a long silver chain was a delicate letter L encrusted with tiny diamond chips. It was small and simple, nothing flashy, and I instantly knew that he’d listened to the things I’d told him. He’d listened and remembered.
A white card sat in the lid of the box, and I flipped it open. In black pen he’d written ‘L is for luminous’.
Luminous.
Closing the box, I slipped it back into my bag and brushed away the single, lonely tear that had escaped my eye and trailed down my cheek.
Damn you, Jude Atwood.
Episode Nineteen
Real Life Isn’t Like the Movies
Fast forward to the week before Christmas.
I was sitting on the island bench in my kitchen, staring at the screen on my phone. A text message had appeared a full five minutes ago, and I wasn’t sure how to respond. Fiddling with the necklace around my neck, the same necklace Jude had given me for my birthday the month before, I tried not to feel disappointed.
I was waiting for the taxi that would take me to the airport so I could fly away to New York. After I’d opened his present in the bathroom at Starscape, I’d called Jude and told him yes. In the weeks that followed, we got together when we could, and texted when we couldn’t, to make grand plans for the week or so we had at our disposal.
Walking through Central Park, checking out the modern art at MoMA, wandering the galleries at the MET, going to the top of the Empire State Building, stuffing ourselves full of New York pizza, riding the ferry out to Staten Island past the Statue of Liberty, checking out the giant Christmas tree at the Rockefeller Center… I’d even brought myself a coat since the forecast had said snow. Snow. I’d never seen it before. I was excited to see it fall from the sky and to catch flakes on my tongue to see what it felt like. Unlike me, Jude had seen a lot of the world already and thought my excitement was hilarious.
Our relationship had grown more and more into the friend zone, and Tessa Donahue had faded into the background.
The screen on my phone timed out, flicking to black, and I brought it to life again.
Sighing, I scolded myself for getting so excited about a trip that I knew could be called off at a moment’s notice. Not on my behalf, on his.
The text said: I’ve got a last minute thing to take care of. I’ll meet you in NY.
Whenever that would be.
The buzzer on the intercom went off signaling the arrival of the taxi. Frowning, I pocketed my phone and wheeled my suitcase out the door and down to the street where the driver was waiting for me.
I wondered when exactly he was going to show up, or if I’d been the butt of an incredibly elaborate joke, and he wasn’t going at all. Was he laughing with Tessa right now at the thought of me flying to New York alone? I imagine them lounging in his bed saying stupid things like, how could she be so stupid?
As the taxi pulled out into traffic, I fingered the charm that hung around my neck, my gaze finding its way up as we passed Jude’s building. I couldn’t put my finger on the feeling that was coursing through my veins. Was it excitement or something else?
Whiplash.
Yeah, the more I thought about it, the more that seemed like the right answer. Jude gave me whiplash. Maybe it was the kind of life he lived as a celebrity, but it sure was giving me a severe case of vertigo. Making plans one minute and then going back on them the next because of contractual obligations. Was this how it felt to be the partner of an actor? Suddenly, I could understand all the divorces in Hollywood.
I contemplated telling the driver to turn around and take me home, but the trip was paid for, Jude or no Jude. Why should I wait for someone who might never be on the same page as me?
So, I took my life in my own hands, the same way I’d been doing it for the past twenty-six years, and went to the Big Apple.
* * *
New York was brilliant.
Jude had been spot on when he said the city was magical in winter. The weather had held, and even though it had been snowing, it wasn’t anywhere near blizzard levels so I could still go out and explore.
The first day, I still hadn’t heard from Jude, so I walked around the streets trying not to slip on my ass. I wandered through Central Park, marveling at the snow and the frozen lake while my breath came out in bursts of vapor in front of my face. I ran around like a dork trying to catch snowflakes on my tongue, making snowballs, kicking drifts, and rattling branches to dislodge the snow that had settled above. Seriously, a year ago, I would’ve been too self-conscious to even consider doing something that loopy in public. It was a drastic sign of how the times had changed.
The second day, I headed inside, out of the cold, to check out some fossils at the Natural History Museum, and afterward, I made my way across Central Park and wandered the galleries at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, or as the locals called it, the MET.
The third day was Christmas Eve, and I was getting a little tired, so I bundled myself up in a heavy coat and scarf and walked aimlessly, soaking up the atmosphere of the city that never slept.
People hurried to and fro, horns blared, and traffic was jammed, exactly like I’d seen in the movies. There were heaps of little cafés and restaurants on every block, and after having cake and hot chocolate at a tiny bakery in the morning, I fattened myself up on one-dollar slices of pizza on the Lower West side for lunch.
I did a lot of things that would have been nice to share with someone. As I stood in the plaza, out the front of the Rockefeller Center, staring up at the ginormous Christmas tree and lamenting my lack of Christmas past, my phone began to ring.
I saw his name on the screen, and I had to admit, I was a little pissed at him. I’d had a great time, but it was a little lonely. Seriously, I stood in the center of a city packed with a gazillion people, and I still felt like I was just outside the box. Would it ever end? Would I ever just…fit?
I couldn’t let the call ring out, so I answered it.
“Lux! Where are you? It’s Jude.”
“You’re three days late,” I said a little icily. “It’s Christmas Eve.”
“I’m s
orry, I had this thing and it took longer than I thought it would…”
Thing? He couldn’t even tell me where he was and what he was doing? I watched the people ice skating in the square below half-heartedly, not doing anything to mask my jealousy at the couples with their arms wrapped around each other’s waists. They were all rugged up tight, tiny flakes of snow stuck on their shoulders and in their hair as they zoomed around and around, smiling and laughing.
“Where are you?” Jude asked on the other end of the phone. “I’m at the hotel.”
“You’re here?”
“Of course I am. I’ve been trying to get here for the past three days.”
I’d seriously thought he’d abandoned me.
“I know I let you down, and I feel shit about it,” he said. “I’ve planned something that will make it up to you, I promise.”
“It better be good,” I said.
“Where are you?”
“I’m at the Rockefeller Center by the tree.”
“Stay there, okay? I’ll come to you.”
“You promise?” The ghost of a smile pulled at my lips. He was here.
“Cross my heart, hope to die.”
* * *
I felt his aura before I saw him.
Turning, I scanned the crowd of people who’d braved the cold to come see the Christmas lights, my breath billowing in a white cloud from between my lips.
Jude emerged from the throng like a beacon. It was a silly cliché, but that was the only way to describe the way he held himself. He was bunched up in a black coat with a gray scarf knotted around his neck and his hands shoved into his pockets. As his gaze met mine, his lips curved into his trademark lopsided grin.
I stepped forward to meet him, and he wound his arms around my waist, pulling me in for a hug.
“I’m sorry,” he murmured into my hair. “I’m such a dick.”
“Where were you?” I asked, pulling away from him.
“I got nominated for this thing…” he said sheepishly, scuffing his toe against the ground.
“What thing?”