by Warren, P. A
I have no idea how long I’ve been outside but I no longer care. The alcohol’s euphoric effects mixed with the Vicodin have given me a wonderful numbing feeling. I’m floating high and loving it. Pulling myself up from the swing I realize the world is spinning, like really badly. Pouring the last of the liquid down my throat I throw the bottle as far as I can and glean satisfaction upon hearing the crash it makes when shattering.
I stumble back to the house on crutches no less, almost falling through the door, but catch myself on the door frame. One of the crutches under my arm clatters to the floor. Straightening myself up, I spot Jenny surrounded by people on the couch. She’s softly talking to the guy with the piercings. Anger burns in my chest, the sensation is something I use to my benefit as I slam the door shut, grab my fallen crutch and hobble over to the bar, perching on a stool and throwing the crutches down before grabbing another bottle that I raise up.
“Here is too all you assholes who came for the free food!” Opening the bottle and tilting it towards me mouth I gulp it down. “Here is to the guy who killed my family. Screw you.” Gazing at all the blurry people I raise the bottle up one more time. “And here is too me, for living and not dying, eff this!” Flipping the finger at the ceiling I’m interrupted from my rant by someone grabbing me from behind and carrying me out of the room.
“Put me down, I’m fine,” I yell, but my words are slurred. Looking closely at the face I see its pierced guy. “You can put me down anytime.”
He grimaces shaking his head, “Nope, not until you’re in your room and away from everyone. You’re in no shape to talk or be seen.”
Kicking my door he walks over to the bed and lightly places me on the duvet but before he can get away I manage to wrap my arm around his neck and pull him down for a kiss. My tongue traces his lips and I feel him respond back before he manages to evade my grasp.
“Oh no, you’ve done way too much today that you’re gonna regret in the morning,” he says, another chuckle on his lips.
I moan as he pulls the covers to my chin and clicks off my bedside lamp, the door shutting softly behind him.
***
Unfortunately it feels like my eyes closed only a few minutes ago and it’s already morning. Picking up my phone to check the time I shield my eyes from the bright screen as it glares at me. Double checking the time I see it’s actually been six hours.
Glancing at the ceiling I groan thinking about yesterday and try to go back to sleep. My head is pounding from the mixture of alcohol and pain meds. Rubbing my hand over my face I cringe recalling some of the things I did yesterday. Unfortunately for me I’m also drawing a blank on how I got to my room. Pulling the comforter over my head and letting darkness enclose me I count backwards from one hundred in hopes to fall asleep. That doesn’t help either, but my eyes get heavy around number forty-five and I finally fall back to sleep.
Being startled awake is never fun and having Jenny stand there shaking my shoulder is annoying—what am I six?
Annoyed, I bat her hand away and snuggle back under the covers.
“It’s time to get up, Hadley,” Jenny says as she roughly grabs the covers pulling them off me. Then she does the unthinkable and reaches for the blinds and pulls them open letting the sun shine brightly into my face. I feel like I have a hangover but since I had nothing to drink—not for lack of wanting but I have to assume it’s a side effect from mixing alcohol and Vicodin.
“Not cool Jenny, not cool. I’m a big girl I can get myself up.” I mutter, my voice muffled under the covers. Silence answers me. “Five more minutes please.”
“Hadley, you did a number last night and you embarrassed the hell out of yourself and me. Thank God Avery came down to help or else I wouldn’t have had anyone to get you to your room and stop you from drinking and yelling.”
Sighing, I close my eyes and suddenly open them. Avery? Oh God.
“Who’s Avery?”
Jenny glances at me sternly. “That’s all you ask about?” Shaking her head in disappointment, “Avery is Andrew’s brother and he came to help out for a few days while you were in the hospital and stayed last night. He went back to Texas this morning since he has classes starting in a few days.”
Jenny stands there staring at me with my head clasped in my hands and gives a very loud sigh before she walks over and collapses on the bed, pulling me into her arms.
“Listen, you have to get the things you want to bring with you packed up and what not so we can get it into the truck. We’ve got a decent drive ahead of us. We might be back in a few months to go through everything once all the legal matters are settled.” Hands on hips she blows her bangs out of her eyes and wags a finger at me. “No alcohol for awhile, Hadley; it’s not the answer.”
I feel drained and defiant. “I don’t understand why we are bothering will all this. I’m eighteen you could just leave me here. I’m technically an adult now; I could just stay in the house by myself. It’s not like I don’t have friends or anyone to help me out.”
Crossing my arms staring past her shoulder not wanting to look at her.
“Let’s be real for a minute.” She starts off holding one finger in the air, “One, you’re eighteen.” Another finger goes up, “Two you’re hurt and you just lost your family. There is no way in hell that I am leaving you on your own. Now get up and let’s get this done.”
I stare at her in disbelief. I don’t really even know Jenny. I mean for all I know she could be a serial killer or something. “Who exactly are you Jenny?”I ask her snappily.
“Huh?”
“Who are you?” I repeat, glaring at her with my arms crossed.
She just stands there looking at me like I’ve grown two heads. “We really need to do this right now?”
I nod and motion for her to start talking. I’m not trying to be rude here but come on and start talking!
Taking a deep breath she finally starts. “Your mother was my sister.”
“I know that. Never mind.” Huffing I turn away from her.
“You know I understand how hard and very overwhelming this whole situation is, trust me I know. I don’t want to do this. I mean who does? Molly was my sister and I loved her to pieces. I never imagined this would happen and I hate feeling rushed, but I have to get us back to my house. I don’t have as much vacation time as I thought I did. I need you to put your emotions aside for a few hours and get this done.”
“Sort through what you want to bring, please and let’s go. You have to get set up with your doctor and I have no idea how long it will take. We also have to get you settled in and I don’t have much time off of work.” She is in such a tizzy that I don’t even think she realizes that she is repeating herself.
She looks so much like my mom it’s really weird. Only she isn’t her, she lacks the softness my mom had about her. Jenny is more of a planner and my mom was more of a go with the flow type. I’m getting the impression that she would rather just do everything herself without my help.
With my head hanging down I pick at my thumbnail; they should have just let me die, left me in the car and walked away then she wouldn’t have to deal with me or this mess.
Chapter Three
After Jenny’s pretty much one sided conversation she leaves. I roll my eyes at how she’s acting towards me, I just want to shout that it’s not like she lost her family! But I can’t since she lost them too.
Aggravated, I look for something to take my mind off our conversation. On my bed is a large suitcase, unzipping it my eyes catch sight of my nightstand and the picture of me, Dad, and Lexi. It’s a picture of us in our bathing suits when we went to the beach this past summer.
Inhaling, I can almost smell the saltiness of the ocean and hear the crashing waves. . Laughing while we buried Dad in the sand and made him into a mermaid was one of the many highlights of that trip. Shaking my head I put it facedown in my suitcase and stumble over to my closet, grabbing clothes and piling them haphazardly on top of the picture I zip my suitca
se closed, my stomach growls reminding me that I hadn’t eaten yet. Almost tripping over my notebook that was thrown across the room I bend slowly down picking it up and setting it on top of my suitcase.
Wandering into the kitchen, and grab the loaf of bread and throw two pieces into the toaster and pour some juice into a glass. Shoving the toast in my mouth I head back to my room and slam the door. It feels good to slam the damn door so I stare at it before opening up to slam it again. All my cute pink girly stuff covers the room, innocent Hadley, the before me. The girl whose biggest problem was finding a date for prom and buying a car… This is me after. This is me pissed off and my unfortunate ability to stay alive when everyone else died. Life’s sometimes a bitch like that.
Needing to listen to something angry I sift through my iPod and hit play once it reaches an Eminem song, cranking it up as loud as I can, hopefully he can blast out the silence. Tearing the my pictures I took off my wall I start letting my anger get the better of me. I’m not at all careful. Packing my precious books into boxes, throwing clothes into suitcases and trashing unwanted items is a non thinking task. I pick up my camera and hold it thoughtfully debating about packing it, before the accident I was talking to mom and dad about going to school for photography but I’m not even sure I want to do that anymore. I don’t really know what I want anymore. Staring hard at the camera I go against my better judgment and pack it.
The disarray surrounding me comforts me in an ironic way... Once I’m done all that is left is my bed, TV and dresser—big things that have to wait for whatever we decide to do with them. Let’s be serious, I’m not superwoman, I can only do so much on crutches and pain pills.
Jenny walks in taking in the mess her eyes wide and glaring until they meet mine, the glare softening a little.
“Hadley, I didn’t mean for you to destroy your room.” She says looking around my room. “I just wanted you to pack up some things to take with us to my house. Not wreck your entire room.”
I look around at my room and shrug nonchalantly. “Jenny, sometimes you just have to make a mess and I’m not sure if I ever want to come back here again.” This mess doesn’t bother me one bit in fact if anything it symbolizes the current state of my life right now.
“You know what? Maybe someone can use some of the stuff I no longer want.” I say sarcastically motioning my hands towards the pile. “You know what? We can also throw in some of Lexi’s toys or clothes as well! No use them sitting here gathering dust when she’s in the ground.” I know I sound bitter but Jenny doesn’t get it.
Jenny purses her lips and it looks like she’s going to cry. I knew I was a real bitch but I didn’t think I’d make my Aunt cry. “You know what Hadley? Screw you. You don’t get to do this. I lost my sister and my niece too, they were my family too and you’re acting like you’re the only one who has any right to be sad. Get over yourself and get your damned stuff and meet me downstairs. I’m done trying to be nice to you.” She glares at me before shutting the door behind me leaving Jenny on the other side in my room.
***
It takes everything in me to be calm after Jenny’s outburst. Standing at the closed door of my sister’s room shaking I can’t bring myself to open it. I stare at the door for at least ten minutes, inhaling and exhaling trying to ward off a panic attack I feel is near, and think about racing back to my room to grab the pill bottle on my dresser. Instead I open the door only to be assaulted by Disney Princesses. Everywhere I turn a princess is smiling at me. Mr. Bear is on her bed waiting for her to return, and my heart cinches knowing she’ll never be back. I briefly wonder what stuffed bears think when their little girl owners die. All her Barbie’s are perfectly lined up awaiting their next play date from the last time I babysat. A sob bubbles up from my chest and pours out of me in loud gasping cries. I’m so angry and so sad at the same time.
Pounding my fists on Lexi’s bed I wipe my eyes with the heels of my hand and look out her window at the neighbor’s house. They’re outside barbequing and I pull the curtains wider, staring at them in jealousy. They don’t even notice me, or the fact that I’m practically leaning out the window trying to hear their laughter
I pick up Mr. Bear; he’s looking at me with his little glass eyes. I hold him to my nose and breathe him in inhaling Lexi’s scent.. I’ll never yell at her again, never have tea parties with her again. I won’t see her go to high school, nothing. She will forever be six in my eyes. Drying my eyes I take Mr. Bear with me. I might not be a little girl, but I’m not dead. Closing the door to her room I feel relieved to be out of there, my emotions running at an all time high.
I make my way into Mom and Dad’s bedroom, slowly turning in a full circle I take it all in, their laundry basket waiting for clothes that will never make it in, rumpled covers on their bed.
I remember watching her as she sprayed perfume onto her pillow all the while telling me one day I would do it as well. So consumed by my grief, I don’t hear Jenny enter the room. She crawls across the floor and sits next to me and holds me as if I were a small child. I continue to cry as my heart cracks into pieces all over again.
“I’m sorry about before. I wish this never happened,” she whispers as her hands brush my hair.
Numbly I shrug staring at the wall. “When do we leave?”
“The day after tomorrow. Whatever isn’t finished here we’ll make a trip back. The lawyer and I have already talked and all the legal stuff will be settled in a few months.”
“Can you pack their things for me?” I ask her softly. “I can’t touch anything of theirs right now.”
“Of course.”
We stay like this until dinner time,, Jenny fills in the silence by telling me all about the trouble she and my mom caused when they were growing up. Apparently my mom was quite a bad girl… Who knew? I’m not sure if Jenny thinks I’m sleeping and is just rambling to fill the silence but it’s comforting knowing Jenny has these memories to share.
Chapter Four
Crawling into bed I’m mentally prepared for another sleepless night. I pray that this is all just a bad dream. I’ll be the first one to say I’m not happy with God right now, but having not had a full night’s sleep since I came home from the hospital I’m exhausted, both physically and mentally. At this point I would make a deal with the devil just to sleep without a nightmare. My body is calling for sleep but all I see are flashbacks when my eyes are closed, it’s a sick cycle, it’s. Why must the accident keep replaying over and over again? Pulling my hair out of the way I put my pillow over my face and let out a muffled scream, releasing some of my frustration. Pulling the pillow off my head I feel somewhat better.
Stuffing it under my head I try and reshape it to find a comfortable spot only it feels like it’s made of bricks. Unable to find a soft spot I give up. I’m in the process of punching the pillow just out of pure anger when there’s a knock at the door interrupting my battle with the pillow.
“This isn’t over, pillow.” I growl menacingly at it.
Jenny walks in and makes herself at home clicking on my bedside lamp, filling the room with a soft light. She gently sit’s on my bed and sighs, setting the glass of water down with a clink and setting my pills on the nightstand beside my bed.
“You left these in the kitchen.”
“Thanks for bringing them in.”I say begrudgingly.
I can’t help but want to down the entire pill bottle. I have to keep my hands clenched in a fist so as not to try and grab the medicine bottles from the nightstand in front of her.
What would happen if I swallowed the entire bottle? Maybe life would be better if I ended mine. I can’t help but feel that it isn’t right to be alive. Would I go quickly? Would it hurt? Would I be reunited with my family? Would anyone mourn me?
I’ve got all these thoughts shouting inside my brain bringing on a headache. The blackness of these thoughts starts to override my cautious side as if I am in a winding dark tunnel when in fact I never left the room. I can feel the damn pill bot
tle taunting me. I snap back to reality when Jenny places her hand on my leg..
She doesn’t say anything, just sits there, totally unaware of my thoughts. I wonder what she would say if she knew my thoughts. She looks worn down and I think we both just need the comfort of being near someone so I keep my mouth shut.
After a few minutes she stands up rubbing her hands and grabs my pain meds. She pushes the pill bottle into my hands and I obediently shove them into my mouth, washing them down with the glass of water in Jenny’s outstretched hand.
It’s still tense between us, but part of me hopes it gets better. Closing my eyes our lives yet again play like a movie. Sinking into the comfort of the movie I succumb to the inevitable dark void the pills create for a few hours.
***
When I finally wake it’s almost noon, and I don’t bother showering before getting dressed. I head to the kitchen opening the fridge and am amazed by all the casserole dishes..
What is it about funerals and casserole dishes? I could feed a third world country for three days with all this food. Lifting the tinfoil off one my nose scrunches up, gross tuna fish casserole. Gagging, the third world country in my head is saying even we won’t eat this. Someone dies and they think tuna is going to make it better? Seriously? It’s almost as bad as that jello with the fruit floating in it. Moving a few more things around I see the ominous red jello with—you guessed it—floating fruit.