“He.... he...” Danni’s shoulders heaved with the effort of getting the words out. “He basically texted me: Ya Dumped!”
“How cruel.” I gasped.
“Yes, it was.” Danni sighed as though the entire weight of existence was resting on her slender shoulders. “It was very cruel.”
Piper nodded gravely. “Very, very cruel indeed.”
“Stop talking like a demented parrot!” Danni snarled like a saber-toothed tiger and Piper and I both flinched. “He was two-timing me,” she went on in a languid tone. “Hooking up with this blonde bombshell at UCLA. I found out today her name’s Brianna.” Danni began twirling a lock of her auburn hair. “Maybe I should dye my hair blonde. Maybe Mark just wasn’t into redheads anymore... most guys aren’t, you know.”
Strings of gooey cheese stretched as I pulled two slices of pizza apart. “Danni,” I said, twirling my finger through a strand of stringy cheese. “You are so much more than your hair color. Anyhow, I think you look lovely with your short pixie cut. You’ve got that Anne Hathaway vibe going on. And she was such a revelation in Les Mis, wasn’t she?”
“Did you just compare me to Anne Hathaway?” Danni blanched. “Is that what I just heard come out of your mouth?!?”
“Correct,” I said briskly, taking another large bite of my pizza.
“Bitch, what did you just say to me? Compare me to Anne Hathaway again and I’ll kill you!” Danni hissed. “I’ll kill all y’all bitches!”
I stared in horror. She was glaring at me so viciously I expected my hair to go up in flames.
Gosh. Danni must have taken sixteen Adderall pills. I suspect she’s not quite right in the head.
“Adelaide’s right,” Piper said hastily. “Not about the Anne Hathaway part, but about your hair color. You don’t need to change it for Mark or for anyone. Step one to being a self-actualized woman—make sure your hair color is the least interesting thing about you. Your man should be digging you, your personality, your interests. Not the color of your hair.”
“Hmm.” Danni’s eyes narrowed in thought. “So you don’t think men prefer blondes?”
A string of cheese snapped, plastering itself to my chin. “Actually,” I said. “They do.”
“Humph!” Danni frowned. “That’s not exactly helping me feel any better!”
“Blonde hair evolved between 10,000 and 15,000 years ago,” I explained. “And anthropological studies have shown that blonde hair exists because cavemen were transfixed by shiny things.”
“Shiny things?” Danni’s frown disappeared.
“Correct,” I said. “Also, blondes show signs of aging more easily, so if a female is giving a male an easy way to decipher her age, he likes that. It takes the guessing out of the game. And blondes tend to have light skin, which shows defects more easily than dark, pigmented skin. So when choosing a female mate, blondes can quickly be examined and cleared for diseases that are visible via the skin... diseases that have plagued humans for over a millennia.”
Danni seemed immensely pleased by this revelation. “How interesting. And that makes soooo much sense,” she said with a self-satisfied smirk. “I stalked that girl on Facebook, you know.”
“Stalked who?” Piper asked.
“D’oh!” Danni shot her an irritated glance. “That blonde chick Mark dumped me for! She’s only twenty-one but she looks like a hag! That old bag!”
“So why isn’t the reverse true?” Piper took a bite of her pizza and chewed for a moment before continuing, “Why don’t women prefer blond men?”
“Well,” I said. “Females are slightly more evolved than their male counterparts and for them the attraction is driven by preferences based on moral assumptions rather than fertility and reproduction.”
Now Danni was smiling, the smile on her face so bright it could rival the sun. “So basically, Mark is an immature caveman with lots of evolving to do. He picked Blonde Brianna over me because she looks like a shiny thing and she shows defects more easily. Hah!” She gave a gleeful laugh. “Thank you, Marmalade. Thank you for the justice, universe! That shit tastes good! I’m starting to feel a lot better already. Besides, Mark is nothing but a man-child forever stuck in pledge week. He and that old hag can have each other! They can go choke on their hatred!”
“Actually,” Piper pointed out. “You’re the one choking on hatred.”
Danni shot her an evil glare and Piper began dry-heaving and hacking, choking on her words and pizza.
“By the way, my name’s Adelaide. Not Marmalade,” I said absently, staring at the last slice of cheese pizza.
How did we manage to wolf down two large pizzas so quickly?
A beat passed.
Then another.
As I lunged for it, my knuckles collided with Piper’s hand.
“Go ahead,” she said dejectedly. “You can have it.”
“Thank you, Piper.” I smiled serenely. “That’s very gracious of you.” Then I let out a long moan as I took a large bite and chewed with my eyes closed. “Pizza... you are the only love triangle I ever want.”
“Speaking of luuuurrrrrvve.” Piper dragged the word out with exaggerated courtesy. “Why don’t you tell Danni about the love of your life?”
“What are you talking about?” I squinted at her. “I was just saying how much I love pizza!”
Piper’s eyes practically rolled off her head. “Ender!” she cried. “I meant Ender.”
I blinked. “What about him?”
“Erhmahgerd! Erhmahgerd!” Danni was incoherent with delight. “If you’re dating Ender Hemsworth, you need to tell me now!” she demanded.
“There’s not much to tell.” I gave a modest shrug of the shoulders. “We’re just best friends with benefits.”
“They fuck like rabbits,” Piper added, chewing with her mouth open.
“And you’re okay with that?” Danni looked incredulous. “Like totally okay with being friends with benefits?”
“Correct.” I dabbed my mouth with a napkin. “Why wouldn’t I be? He’s my best friend and he keeps me sexually satisfied. We make passionate, delectable sex. So don’t stress. I’m having a great time.” I smiled coyly. “Multiple great times if you catch my drift.”
“Ender’s her side bitch,” Piper added hastily before bursting into hysterics. “Har har har har! Her side bitch! Haarrr harrrr!”
Ignoring Piper’s maniacal outburst, Danni folded her arms. “But how long are you gonna keep this up for?”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
Danni leveled a stern and disapproving gaze at me. “Are you gonna be friends with benefits forever?”
“Hmm.” I considered this for a second. “I wouldn’t be entirely opposed to the idea.”
Now it was Piper who was staring at me sternly. “No, Adelaide.” She shook her head fiercely. “That’s not what you want.”
“It isn’t?”
“No,” Piper said in a chastising tone.
“Hell naw!” Danni said severely. “Friends with benefits forever is like the opposite of true love. It’s the opposite of marriage.”
“But I don’t want to get married.”
“I know!” Danni waved her hand in an impatient gesture. “But don’t you want more than that? More than sex?”
“But we do have more than sex.” Smiling to myself, I said, “Some days we take naps together.”
“Awwww,” Piper gushed. “Taking a nap with your guy is so romantic. And guys who take naps with you are everything.”
“I agree.” Danni sighed dreamily. “Taking naps together is almost more romantic than having sex. It’s sooooo much more intimate. One of life’s pleasures.”
Big, collective romantic sighs all around.
“Ahhhhh.” Piper exhaled tranquilly. “Life’s worthiest endeavors.”
It was, I realized. It really was. Ender and I had enjoyed a five-star nap just this afternoon. I loved the closeness of it. It was intimate without being sexual. Sometimes Ender had his arm tucke
d around me despite the fact that it cut off his blood circulation. Other times I rested my head on his chest, feeling his ribcage gently rising and expanding, hearing the soft echoes of his heartbeat.
I loved the sound of him, the feel of him so close to me, the scent of him.
God, he smells so good... like fresh linen and spearmint toothpaste. As the day wears on, he smells of rain after a long, dry spell, somewhat earthy yet clean. And whenever I feel restless, thrashing about in bed with my windmill arms, Ender has a way of rubbing my back, soothing my nerves until I can finally relax and drift off to sleep in his arms. I feel safe there, content. It’s one of the best feelings in the world.
Just thinking of naps with Ender made me smile... naps in the middle of the day without an alarm. Ahhh. Bliss.
It was always blissful when I was with Ender. I had to constantly remind myself not to do something silly, like flip my hair and prance around like a romping child.
The other day I found myself skipping! Skipping and whistling a twee tune like a massive twat!
With a start, I realized that I was still smiling and had been smiling like an idiot for quite some time.
Danni and Piper sat staring at me open-mouthed.
“What?” I said. “What?”
“Houston,” Piper said gravely. “We have a problem.”
“We do?” I said, puzzled.
“You do,” Piper said.
“I have a quandary?” I blinked.
“Yes,” Piper answered emphatically. “Yes, you do.”
“What sort of quandary do I have?”
“Well...” Piper hedged. “I’m pretty sure you’re in love with Ender.”
“I am?” I chewed on my bottom lip, trying to suss out my feelings.
“You are,” she said austerely.
“You really think so?”
“I do.” Piper nodded earnestly. “I really do.”
“What is this FUCKERY?” Danni exploded. “GAWD! You two are beyond exhausting!” She took a moment to catch her breath before continuing. “Look, Adelaide,” she said reproachfully. “Listen very carefully to what I’m saying. Ender is the main bitch not the side bitch. Cross-stitch that shit onto a pillow so you never forget! And when you have a man like Ender Hemsworth in your grasp, you must trap him.”
Now I was even more confused. “Trap him?”
“Trap him.”
I didn’t follow. “Trap him?”
“Did I stutter?” Danni muttered mutinously. “Yes for the third freaking time!”
“But why should I trap him?”
“Ahhh,” Danni said sagely. “Take a lesson from Kate Middleton. When Kate was a student at St. Andrews University, she had her eye on the royal prize. So what did she do? She strutted down the catwalk in a very revealing and transparent dress.” Danni paused for dramatic effect. “The moment Prince William clapped eyes on Kate in that see-through dress, he was trapped!”
“Trapped,” I murmured. “But I don’t want to trap Ender.”
“You don’t need to trap him.” Piper patted my arm affectionately. “But you want Ender to see you as more than just a friend.”
“She’s right!” Danni exclaimed. “You don’t want to get friend-zoned! Ugh. That would be the absolute worst! No.” She shook her head viciously. “That’s not what you want.”
“It’s not?”
“NO,” Danni hissed. “But listen, Adelaide, it doesn’t have to be that way with you and Ender. I mean, look at Kate Middleton now! And that see-through slip dress sold at an auction for 78,000 pounds! It’s a part of fashion history. It was the moment William first fell in love with Kate.” She gave a dramatic sigh. “That moment played a huge part in their royal love story, and the rest is history.”
Piper tilted her head. “So where are you going with this?”
“Adelaide can bag her very own Prince Charming.”
“How?”
“As you already know, I’m a Kappa Kappa Gamma,” Danni said with great aplomb. “My sorority sisters and I are hosting an event this Friday night and we’ll be holding date auctions to raise funds for charity. We’ve already rounded up twenty girls, but we could always use more.” She cut her gaze to me. “Adelaide, all you’ll have to do is strut down the stage in a revealing dress. There’ll be a bidding war of course, but once Ender sees you, he’s gonna fall so hard he won’t know what hit him!”
“What dress?” I stared at her dumbfounded.
“The dress I designed of course.” Danni smiled thinly.
“What?” Piper gaped at her. “Since when are you a fashion designer?”
“Since forever,” Danni said coolly. “I’ve always done it on the side. I’ve sold plenty of my designs on eBay. Humph. We’ve been roommates for months and you didn’t even know?”
“No,” Piper said dryly. “Why would I? This is the most we’ve ever talked the entire semester.”
“Listen,” Danni said contritely. “I know we didn’t get off to a great start, and I know you’ve never liked me, but I appreciate what you girls have done for me today... comforting me when I was at my lowest, feeding me pizza, talking trash about Mark and his blonde bitch, Brianna.” Her voice turned tearful and she pressed her lips together as if to stop them from trembling. “Bless your hearts, girls. Bless your hearts. This breakup has been so difficult and you’ve done more for me than you know.”
“There, there,” I said, rubbing her arm comfortingly. “I’m just glad that you, me, and Piper are all friends now. Sisterhood is powerful. Catfights are not.”
“You’re right.” Danni nodded meaningfully. “Sisterhood is truly powerful and now you’ve given me something to focus on. To channel all my energy.”
“Really?” I said cluelessly. “Channel your energy into what?”
“You!” Danni grinned broadly. “Adelaide, you’re my little pet project and I’m gonna make sure Ender has eyes for no one but you at the auction show.”
“But I never said I would—”
“Nyet!” Danni immediately shushed me with a wave of her hand. “Thank the God above that you have me to steer you in the right direction!”
Chapter Thirty-Five
ADELAIDE
“SMIZE!” DANNI YELLED. “You need to SMIZE, Adelaide! You’re not SMIZING!”
I stared at her with wide, questioning eyes.
What on God’s green earth is SMIZE?
“SMIZE, dammit!” Danni threw her hands in the air. “Don’t you watch ANTM?” She made a great show of looking around the sparse backstage. “Doesn’t anybody here watch ANTM? Anybody?!?”
“ANTM?” I said blankly. “What’s that?”
“ANTM,” Danni hissed. “America’s Next Top Model! SMIZE! Hullo? It means smile with your eyes! You need to SMIZE when you go out there, Adelaide. SMIZE and look FIERCE!”
“Oh, stop it, Danni!” Miguel chided and elbowed her aside. “You’re scaring the poor child. She looks like a deer caught in the headlights.” He shook his head slowly and tsked. “Let me explain it to you, my love. Tyra Banks is known for her Tyra-isms. And with America's Next Top Model, she’s brought many new words and phrases into pop culture lexicon. She’s behind ‘fierce’ and all it’s incarnations, including ‘fierceness.’ But the buzzword Tyra is most known for is ‘smize.’ Now darling, when you strut down that stage, you need to smile with your eyes. Not your mouth. But your eyes.” He paused. “Smize.”
“Seriously.” Piper rolled her eyes. “You guys are giving me a whack attack! You’ve got it ALL wrong! SMIZE is when a guy ejaculates on your face and gets cum in your eyes. It stings like the dickens, let me tell you!”
Danni grasped my shoulders and held me at arms length, leveling her gaze at me like she was my trainer and I was Rocky Balboa about to go into the boxing ring. Her face was flushed, her eyes glowering with sparks and fire as she ran through her heartfelt, impassioned speech. “Listen, kid,” she said sternly. “You can do this. I know you can, but your walk needs some work. Stop swi
nging those arms like an orangutan. Soften those elbows! When you strut down that stage, keep your eyes focused on something ahead of you and work that attitude. Work it, GURRL! I wanna see FIERCENESS. Walk with determination! Like a predator! A black panther! And when you get to the end of that stage, wait a beat... and then strike a pose! Lean onto one hip to achieve maximum thigh gap and SMIZE, dammit! Don’t forget to SMIZE!” She shook my shoulders violently. “Get it?”
I gave a crisp nod. “Got it.”
“Fabulous!” Miguel trilled. “Ender is gonna DIE when he sees you. DIE! You don’t just look gorgeous, Adelaide. You look GORJESSSSS! Now make papi proud tonight!”
“Erhmahgerd! Erhmahgerd!” Piper was hyperventilating. “I’m so nervous for you, Adelaide! But don’t worry!” she added briskly. “We’re all gonna be out there for you in the crowd, cheering you on and giving you moral support.”
Right. I took a deep cleansing breath. Moral support. I needed that. Lots and lots and lots of moral support.
“You’re up next, honey!” Danni announced, her voice several octaves higher than usual. “Out, out, out! Everybody—OUT!”
In a blink of an eye, it was a sudden whirlwind of goodbyes, well wishes, and air kisses.
“Buh-bye, dah-ling!”
“Good luck!”
“Break a leg!” A pause. “Not literally! Ha ha!”
“MUAH! MUAH!”
“See you out there, Adelaide!”
And then I was left standing backstage all alone... the last girl to be auctioned off for a date at Kappa Kappa Gamma’s sorority fundraising charity event.
Bugger! This dress was unraveling faster than my nerves. It was pretty much a replica of Kate Middleton’s infamous see-through dress with Danni’s own fashion twists. Black and gold, the slip dress was studded with diamanté, lower in the cleavage, and higher in the thigh. Because the material was completely translucent, I had to wear underwear for the very first time, so Danni had insisted I splurge on this outrageous ‘haute couture’ bra and panty set from Agent Provocateur.
It was essentially three pieces of black diaphanous lace held together by thin spaghetti strings. The push-up bra was demi-padded with scalloped-edged embroidery and it made my breasts look like they were sitting on a platter. “Serve ’em up!” Danni had said.
[Hemsworth Brothers 01.0] The Slam Page 23