by Ivy Smoak
"You're even sexier when you blush. What's your poison?"
"Something not very strong."
"Whiskey it is then." He ordered before I could correct him. Whiskey was super strong. Where the hell was he from? He handed the glass to me.
"Whiskey? Really?"
"I was thinking that if you haven't flirted with a guy in a bar, then you haven't really lived yet. Maybe a strong drink will help you decide to change that tonight."
I shook my head. "Let me pay you for this."
"That's okay. You can repay me at the end of the night." He winked at me. "Let me know if you need to cross off anything else on that bachelorette party list of yours. I'm happy to help."
"Okay, thanks." My voice had gotten weirdly high pitched. I quickly walked away from him.
"See, that wasn't so bad," Kendra said. "What did he get you?"
"Whiskey." I slid it toward her.
"Oh, no. Number two is drinking whatever he buys you." She slid the glass back to me.
I looked to Bee for help.
She shrugged. "I actually came up with that one. So, how did it go?"
"It was awkward. I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm going to sleep with him at the end of the night because he bought me this." I drank a sip of the whiskey. Ew.
"Yeah, it's a total bucket list thing for guys," Marie said. "To have sex with a girl who's destined to be married. It's the ultimate one night stand."
"The unicorn of one night stands," Kendra corrected.
"Can I take this sash off now?" I asked.
"Finish your drink."
I drank the whisky as fast as I could. "It's so gross."
Kendra laughed. "I love whiskey."
"Then why didn't you drink it?"
Kendra grabbed the list and waived it in the air. "Okay, number three." She smiled. "Ask a guy if you can see his six pack."
"Nope." I clapped my hands together. "Let's go to the movies. There's this new one out that I really want to see..."
"There," Melissa said. "He definitely has abs of steel. Let's see 'em!"
She was pointing to a guy who was wearing a tight t-shirt. He was clearly ripped. And he liked showing off that fact or else he would have worn a shirt that was a little looser.
"And don't forget number four," Marie said. "You have to touch them."
"I'm not going to do that."
"You only get to veto one thing. Do you really want to waste it already? This list gets raunchier and raunchier."
"I can't get Marie back because she's already married. But the rest of you? Your bachelorette parties are going to be the absolute worst."
"Sounds good to me," Kendra said. "The sexier the better, I always say."
"Ugh."
"Just think about what James is doing right now."
I did not want to think about what James was doing right now. At all. Bee gave me a sympathetic smile. I sighed and walked over to the guy they had pointed to. The whiskey had made me a little more confident. The compliments from the guy who had bought me a drink didn't hurt either.
"Hey, you."
He smiled at me. "What are you drinking?"
"All sorts of stuff. Whiskey most recently."
"I wouldn't have pegged you as a whiskey kind of girl. But I like it. Let me get you another."
"Oh, no. I didn't like it. Actually, I came over here because I'm on a mission."
"Is that so? What's your mission, sugar?"
"Well, it's my bachelorette party."
"I can see that." He nodded toward my friends.
"Mhm. Well, I noticed that you look very strong."
He smiled. "Well, I can certainly pick you up."
That was the worst pick up line ever. I laughed awkwardly. "I bet. So, I'm supposed to see if you'll let me see your abs."
He raised his eyebrow. "Do you want to see my abs?"
No. I shrugged. "Are they worth seeing?"
"How about you tell me." He lifted up his shirt to reveal his perfectly sculpted torso. "What's the verdict?"
"I don't know if I can tell without touching them."
He laughed. "I don't bite. Well, sometimes I bite."
I internally rolled my eyes. Before I could chicken out, I put my hand out and brushed my fingers against his abs.
He grabbed my hand and pressed my palm firmly against his torso, moving my hand down to the waistline of his jeans.
I quickly pulled my hand away.
"How about we get out of here? I can make your last night as a single woman a night to remember."
"Thanks for the offer. But I really just had to touch your abs." I walked away without saying anything else. This was entirely inappropriate. I didn't want to be doing this. The thought of James running his hand along some random girl's stomach made me feel nauseous.
"You got really into that one," Marie said. "And I don't blame you. God, those abs are amazing."
"They weren't as nice as James'. Can we get going? I'm not feeling very well."
"That's because you need another drink." Melissa slid me a shot glass. There were at least a dozen on the table. I had a feeling they were playing a drinking game at my expense.
"Drink, drink, drink," Kendra said and slammed her fists on the table.
I quickly downed the shot and tried to ignore the burn down my throat. I was already tipsy. This was going to probably put me over the edge. I shook my head back and forth.
"Here," Marie said and slid a napkin with a penis cookie on it toward me.
I laughed. "I'm really not hungry."
"Okay, then that triggers number five. If Penny passes on the cookie, she needs to convince a guy at the bar to eat said cookie."
"I'll just eat it." I lifted up the cookie.
"No way, missy," Melissa said and grabbed my hand. "Number five has already been triggered. Who at the bar looks hungry for a penis?"
"How about that guy," Bee said. She was pointing to a guy in the corner with a plaid shirt and hipster glasses.
"Hipsters probably don't think it's cool to eat penis cookies."
Bee laughed. "I'm giving you an easy one. Hipsters will do anything to fit in. Just tell him eating normal shaped cookies is so cliché."
"Fine." I sighed and slid off my stool. God this was humiliating. I walked over to the hipster and took a seat next to him on the couch.
"Hey," he said as soon as I sat down. "Having a fun night?"
"Actually, it's been mortifying."
He laughed.
"Could you eat this cookie?"
He lowered his eyebrows. "Are you trying to drug me?"
"No, no. It's just a normal cookie shaped like a penis."
He laughed again.
I held it up for him to see.
"Oh, wait. You're serious?"
"My friends have this weird list of stuff I have to do. One is getting a guy to eat this cookie. I promise there's nothing wrong with it. Besides, normal shaped cookies are so mainstream, don't you think?"
The hipster stared at me skeptically.
"I'll do it." Someone had flopped down on the couch on the other side of me. His arm was behind me on the couch, but he wasn't touching me. He was dressed similarly to the hipster. Maybe they were friends.
"That would be amazing, thanks."
"Take a bite first so I know it's not poisoned. Anton made a good point." He nodded toward the hipster.
"Fair enough." I took a bite. "It's actually really good." I handed him the cookie.
"So can I just eat it, or do I have to suck on it weirdly or something?"
Anton laughed.
"You can just eat it," I said.
The guy shrugged and bit the balls off.
Anton started laughing again, egging his friend on.
"Mmm mmm good," he said and put the rest of the penis in his mouth.
I couldn't help but start laughing too. He had just devoured that penis cookie.
He was having a hard time swallowing while he was laughing. His arm had fallen o
ff the back of the couch and landed around my shoulders.
Awkward. I immediately stood up. "Thanks for that, guys." I quickly walked away before they said anything else to me. I was a little out of breath when I made it back to the table. I didn't want random guys putting their hands of me.
"Nicely done," Bee said. "The hipster's friend seemed to really enjoy that penis. You probably should have asked him if he liked it."
"I wasn't going to ask him that."
"Well, you need to. Number six is verifying whether or not he liked that dick," Kendra said.
"What is wrong with you guys?"
Kendra laughed and slid another shot toward me.
"You're really going to make me go back over there?"
"Do the shot and you'll be fine."
"So I just need to ask if he liked it?"
"You have to ask if he liked that dick."
I shook my head. "Can I pass on that one?"
"Trust me, you need to save your veto," Bee said.
God. I grabbed the shot and downed it. I took a deep breath and walked back over to the guys on the couch. "Hey," I said very unseductively. I was totally channeling the scene from The House Bunny where the manly girl told a guy she was dropping off some timber.
The guy who had eaten the cookie looked up at me. "You ran away pretty fast."
"Yeah, sorry about that." I sat down on the arm of the couch. "I came back over to see if you liked that cookie."
"I liked making you laugh." He gave me a charming smile.
I laughed awkwardly. "But did you like...that dick?" Geez.
He laughed. "I'm not gay if that's what you're asking. Trust me." His eyes had landed on my legs.
"Oh, no, I didn't think you were." I quickly stood up. "Have a good night, guys." I made my way back to my table despite him calling after me. My heart was beating fast. "This is so awkward," I said and sat down in my chair. "Please can we just go home?"
"We'll give you an easy one next," Marie said. "Let's skip to number nine. All you have to do is make googly eyes at someone until they send us a round of drinks."
"You still have a million shots on the table."
Kendra laughed. "Honey child, we're only just getting started."
I sighed.
"How about him," she said and pointed to a guy at the bar. "He's been staring at you all night."
I turned to see who she was pointing to, but immediately looked away when I made eye contact with him. "Some random guy isn't going to send us all drinks. Don't be ridiculous."
"You have years of being single at a bar to fit into one night. So put your hand through your hair and casually look back over at him."
"Ugh." I tucked my bangs behind my ear and looked back over at him as discreetly as possible.
He smiled at me and I immediately turned away.
"He really can't keep his eyes off you," Kendra said. "And he's handsome. I bet he's great in the sack."
I laughed. "Is that the thing I have to veto? Done. I'm not hooking up with a stranger."
"We would never put that on the list," Bee said. "Well, Kendra wanted to but I told her no."
"Thank you." I shook my head.
"You know what really make guys possessive?" Kendra asked. "Seeing a girl they want with another guy. If we really want that sexy man to buy us drinks, we should make Penny do number ten."
"Perfect," Melissa said. "You have to dance with that first guy who bought you the drink."
"He already thinks I'm going to sleep with him at the end of the night. Please don't make me talk to him again."
"You won't be talking. You'll be dancing," Melissa said. "And make sure you walk by the guy who's going to be buying us drinks later."
"Should I shove a penis cookie in his mouth while I'm at it?"
"That's not a terrible idea. I can add that to the list," Marie said and lifted up her purse. "Just let me find a pen."
"Don't you dare." I got up before any of them could add another stupid thing I had to do.
"A whole song, Penny!" one of them yelled after me.
I walked toward the guy who had bought me a whiskey, making sure to pass the one they wanted to buy us a round of drinks. I smiled shyly at the guy. It looked like he thought I was going to stop and talk to him. I noticed him frown as I leaned against the counter near my future dance partner.
"Back already?" he said with a smile. "How'd you like the whiskey?"
I laughed. "It was awful."
"I'm sure it wasn't that bad."
"Oh, it was. Thanks for that."
"Anytime." He seemed please with himself.
"You said you'd be willing to help with..."
"Do you have something else fun on your list you want me to do for you?" he said, cutting me off.
"Yes actually. Will you dance with me?"
He smiled. "I'd love to." He downed his drink and whispered something to his friends before walking with me toward where the DJ was set up in the back of the bar.
Unfortunately it was a slow song. He grabbed my hand and pulled me in close. I could smell the whiskey on his breath and it made me ridiculously uncomfortable. I tilted my head to the side so I was staring over his shoulder. Just one song.
"Whoever you're marrying is a very lucky guy," he whispered in my ear.
"Thanks." Did James think he was lucky? I had thought so before yesterday. But I wasn't sure anymore. Does he even love me? The alcohol and my friends' laughter had momentarily distracted me from the notes he had written to Isabella. He loved her so much. I didn't want to be here right now. I just wanted to go home.
"You're beautiful, you know."
For some reason his words made me want to cry. I didn't say anything. I just turned my head away from him even more. The song would be over any second.
"What are you thinking about?" he asked.
I suddenly felt even more uncomfortable. "I miss him." All I wanted was to be in James' arms. I needed to hear him say that everything was okay. And that he loved me.
"You don't have to go home alone tonight." His hands slid down to my ass.
I pushed on his chest and stepped back. "I'm sorry, I'm not...I'm not looking to go home with anyone."
"Let me buy you another drink."
"No, I've already had too much to drink. I'm sorry." I quickly walked away from him and ran directly into the guy I was supposed to be making googly eyes with.
"You okay?" he asked.
I looked over my shoulder. "Yeah, I'm fine. I just..." I shook my head.
"Bad night?"
"Honestly, I miss my fiancé. His friends kidnapped him for his bachelor party this weekend. So my friends decided to throw me a bachelorette party. All I really wanted to do tonight was watch a movie."
"Honestly, I'd rather be watching a movie too."
I smiled. "I'm not interested in going home with anyone tonight. I'm just going to go back over to my table."
"I'm not trying to sleep with you. I mean, you're gorgeous. But I'm not an asshole."
I looked up at him.
"You're engaged."
"I am."
"I was merely going to try to get your number in case things went south."
"Things aren't going to go south." I wasn't able to admit that they had already started to. James and I were still fine. We had to be.
He shrugged. "I was engaged once. I didn't think that would end either."
It was like he knew what I was going through. "What happened?"
"I don't think commitment really means the same thing today as it used to."
I thought about the pictures of James with Rachel and Isabella. I thought about all the love notes. "You're probably right. It still means something to me, though."
"So how about I just buy you a drink and casually slip you my number?"
I laughed. "Actually, I could use your help."
"And what do you need help with?"
"My friends have this list of stupid stuff they want me to do. Including getti
ng someone to buy us a round of drinks."
"Let's go see what they're drinking then." He touched the small of my back for just a second to direct me back to the table. When we got there, he put his elbows down on the table and smiled. "Ladies."
They all giggled.
"Can I offer you some refills?"
"That would be fantastic," Kendra said.
"What were you drinking?" he asked and smiled down at me.
"If I could just get some water, that would be great."
He nodded. "Probably a good choice. You seem a little drunk."
I couldn't even argue with him. My friends had been shoving drinks in my face since I had arrived at Bee's. "Maybe you should just get a round of waters for the table."
"Are you sure you don't need more shots?" He smiled and looked down at the table covered with shot glasses. Half of them hadn't been touched.
"I think we're good there. Just water."
"If that's what the lady wants." He winked at me and leaned in close. "Hopefully free drinks count," he whispered into my ear. "If not, I'll be by the bar. And here's my number just in case your fiancé takes commitment as loosely as my fiancée did ." He slid his business card into my hand.
I looked down at the card and then back up at him, knowing perfectly well that I would never call that number. "Thanks."
"Really, water?" Melissa asked as soon as he walked away.
I laughed. "He was nice. I didn't want to make him pay for a whole round of drinks. Plus, you guys are getting me wasted. I can barely walk in a straight line." At this point, I probably couldn't.
"That's okay, it still counts," Bee said. "Plus," she grabbed the business card out of my hand. "Penny just scratched off number seven too."
"You got his number?" Kendra clapped her hands together. "Oh my God, he's like a walking sex ad.
I laughed. "Did you want it?"
"Yes please." She snatched the business card out of Bee's hand. "I bet he's amazing in bed."
Marie rolled her eyes.
"Speaking about sex," Kendra said. "On a scale of one to ten, how good is James in bed?"
"An eleven."
They all laughed.
"I haven't met an eleven in years," Kendra said. "I think all the elevens are in relationships. And why wouldn't they be? Their dicks are like fucking Gods."