by Ivy Smoak
The bed squeaked as he slid in beside me. "I missed you, baby," he whispered as he wrapped his arms around me.
Was that his excuse for cheating on me? I didn't have sex with him for a few days so he slept with someone else? I thought we were stronger than that. I thought he loved me. It took every ounce of control in my body to stay completely still when it felt like my whole world was collapsing. I wanted to cry loud, ugly tears, but I didn't want him to know I was awake. If this was the last chance I'd have for him to hold me, I wasn't going to ruin it. I wanted to go to sleep and wake up and forget about this weekend.
I took another deep breath, trying to calm myself down. His arms wrapped tighter around me. It seemed like he knew I was awake. I closed my eyes even tighter. I could forgive him. I could forget about all of this. For some reason a memory popped into my head of me telling my mom that I was in love with James. Her response to me had been that maybe it would be love one day.
"I cave," James whispered so quietly that if I had been sleeping, I definitely wouldn't have heard him.
I pressed my lips together and tried to breathe slowly so that he couldn't hear me crying.
"You win," he said and placed a soft kiss against the back of my neck.
Now that he was back he suddenly wanted me again? I felt cheap. Maybe my mom was right. Even though she had said it over two years ago, maybe what we had wasn't love. Because a key part of love in my eyes was being enough for one another. It was about being faithful. I wasn't enough for James. I wasn't sure why I ever thought I could be.
Chapter 24
Monday
When I woke up, James' arms were wrapped tightly around me. I tried to take a deep breath, but it felt like I was suffocating. I slowly unwound myself from his arms and slid off the bed. He sighed in his sleep, but didn't wake up.
I pulled on my robe and stared down at him. He was so handsome. I had never taken that for granted. Whenever I woke up before he did, I'd stare at his beautiful face. Someone else had woken up to that face this weekend. Was that why he had finally called me back Sunday morning? Did he feel guilty for what he had done?
I went into the closet and quickly got dressed. We needed to talk, but I couldn't do it right now. I needed to calm down. Because right now, I hated him. I hated how content he looked sleeping. Was he thinking of that slut from this weekend? Or Rachel or Isabella?
The lump in my throat wouldn't seem to go away. My heartbeat wouldn't seem to slow down. And I hated that the only place I could escape to was work. He had imprinted himself on every part of my life. I couldn't get away from him, and I felt pathetic for not even really wanting to escape. He wasn't the addict, I was. And I couldn't breathe without him.
***
It was easier to believe that I could forgive him when I wasn't looking directly at him. The idea of moving past it together and making us a stronger couple seemed logical when I was sitting at my desk.
"I'm usually the first one to get here," Zach said and sat down at his desk.
I jumped when I heard his voice. The office had been completely empty when I had come in an hour ago. "Oh, hey, Zach. Did you have a good weekend?"
"Better than yours, I'm assuming."
"Why would you say that?"
"Your eyes are so red that it looks like you've been here crying all morning. And ice cream for breakfast is usually a sign of depression."
I laughed awkwardly. "This was almost empty." I picked up the pint of Ben and Jerry's that had been completely full earlier and tossed it in the trash. "And I have seasonal allergies."
"Right." He opened up a drawer in his desk and tossed me a small bottle of eye drops.
"Thanks." I tilted my head back and put in the eye drops. My eyes strung for a second, but I assumed they'd be less red in a few minutes. "So, why do you have these?"
"I'd make up a lame excuse about how my eyes get dry because of my contacts. But, honesty is a better policy right?"
"I guess so?"
"I smoke weed in the bathroom with the tech guys sometimes."
I laughed. "Seriously?"
He shrugged. "Yeah, I'm pretty sure those guys are always high. Don't tell Hunter that, though."
Telling James that his tech department was a bunch of druggies wasn't on the top of my list of conversational topics at the moment. "It's a stressful job. They probably need a release." I turned my attention back to my computer screen.
"Is that your reasoning with Hunter too?"
"What?"
"The way he treats you. You excuse him because it's a release?"
"You don't know what you're talking about."
"If he's..."
"Zach, I can't have this conversation with you right now. James isn't abusive. He's a good guy. He'd never hurt me." I seemed to choke on my own words.
"Emotional abuse is just as bad as physical..."
"He's not. It's not like that, Zach." Other people were starting to come into the office. I needed to get my shit together and not wear my emotions on my sleeve.
"He was really possessive with you when we got drinks the other night."
"That's because you were pretending to flirt with me."
"Does he always act like that? If you talk to other guys?"
"If you don't drop this, I'm going to tell James you smoke weed in the bathroom every day."
He frowned. "I said sometimes. It's not every day."
"Sometimes is still bad."
"You're such a tattletale." He gave me a small smile.
"Does that mean you'll drop it?"
"Whatever you want, Fight Club. I'm just trying to help."
My phone started vibrating. I pulled it out of my purse to see that James was calling. I was about to put it back in my purse, but I noticed Zach shaking his head. It was pretty clear that he didn't believe me. James may have made a mistake this weekend, but he was a good guy. I didn't want his employees to think he wasn't.
"Hey, James," I said and turned slightly away from Zach.
"Where are you?" He sounded concerned. "I woke up and..."
"I'm at work. I'm being a super great employee." Not really. I was never even sure what I was supposed to be doing. And I had only come here early so I'd have a place to cry alone.
He laughed. "I'd rather you be a bad employee and come home."
"We're only working four days this week. I don't think you can afford to take today off too." I could feel Zach staring at me.
"Fair enough, boss. Did you eat breakfast?" He sounded so cheery. It was disconcerting.
I looked down at the pint of Ben and Jerry's in the trashcan. "Yup."
"Okay. Well, you can hang out with me while I eat mine. I'll be there in a few minutes. See you soon, baby."
The line went dead before I could make up something about having too much work to do. I sighed and looked at my computer screen. I can forgive him.
"You good?" Zach asked.
"Mhm. Everything's great."
"You're an awful liar. Just so you know."
"Hey, man," Tavon said and did some weird handshake with Zach. "What were you guys talking about?" He flopped down in his desk chair and put his feet up on the desk.
"Nothing," Zach said. "How was your weekend?"
"Awesome. I freaking love New York. It's basically like still being in college."
I laughed.
"You don't think so, Fight Club?"
"No, not really. College was a lot simpler." At least it had been at NYCU. The University of New Castle had kind of ended in disaster. But now that I had graduated from NYCU, things seemed complicated and shitty. I'd do anything to go back in time. Back before this weekend.
"Well, yeah, but I mean the vibe, you know? It's like a huge college town. There's always something to do."
"There certainly is." At least, always someone to do, if you were James and you were an asshole. Damn it.
"You okay?" Tavon asked.
"I'm great. I just don't think New York is all that great. And yo
u know what? Costa Rica is a crappy place too. It's the freaking worst."
"Okay?" Tavon looked at Zach and raised both his eyebrows.
"I'm not crazy."
Tavon laughed. "I didn't say you were. Are you sure you're okay? You're kind of hostile this morning. I mean, I hate Monday's just as much as the next guy. But you're like on a whole other level."
"Yeah, I'm just...PMSing." God, why did I just say that?! It wasn't even true.
"Gross. Too much information, Fight Club."
"You asked."
"I did not ask that."
I shrugged my shoulders.
"Anyway, I needed to ask you. What's Sierra's deal?" Tavon asked
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"You know...like is she single? Is she looking for something casual? Or is she a commitment type of girl?"
"Tavon, you've spent more time with her than I have."
"But what have you found out?" he asked.
"Nothing. Although, I'm going to take a guess and say she's not interested in you."
"Harsh. I guess you are PMSing."
"Sorry, I didn't mean that. But even if she was interested, and I have no idea if she is, you shouldn't get involved. Because dating is complicated. It's exhausting. And terrifying. Just...don't do it. It's not worth this feeling." I was about to burst into tears again.
Zach was staring at me with the most sympathetic expression on his face, which just made me feel even worse.
"Yeah...I was thinking more about a one night stand kind of situation anyway," Tavon said. "To break that streak she has going on."
"All men are disgusting." I stood up and walked toward the break room. It felt like I couldn't breathe. I was glad when Zach didn't follow me to try to squeeze out information from me. I leaned against the counter and poured myself a cup of coffee.
"Hey, Penny," Nita said as she walked into the break room. "I was just getting James his coffee. He's looking for you." She filled up a mug. "Do you want to just give it to him? I need to use the restroom real quick."
Would it be rude of me to say no? Probably. "Yeah, sure."
"Thanks, Penny." She handed me the cup and quickly walked out of the room.
I looked down at the two cups of coffee in my hands. Maybe it was better to get it out of the way sooner than later. I needed to just confront him. And then he'd apologize. Then we'd be good. Simple.
I felt like I wanted to throw up. I tried to tell myself it was from eating a pint of ice cream instead of how worried I was about losing him. Before I could think anymore, I walked out of the break room and toward James' office.
The blinds were open and he saw me before I even attempted to knock. Which was good because my hands were full. He opened up the door, grabbed both cups from me, and placed a swift kiss on my cheek. "Good morning, beautiful." He had a huge smile on his face. His hair was still wet from his shower and it was starting to curl in that way I loved so much. And he was wearing his glasses, which had always been a weakness for me. I hadn't noticed how tan he had gotten earlier when I had stared at him sleeping. It just made him look even sexier, which for some reason made me angrier.
Why does he look so happy? The guilt should be eating away at him. I closed the door behind me and followed him toward his desk.
He placed the mugs down on his desk and then grabbed my arm, pulling me against his chest. "God, I missed you." He pressed his lips against mine before I could protest. I could have easily gotten lost in that kiss. But I couldn't stop picturing him kissing Isabella. I pulled away from him.
"James, the blinds are open."
He winked. "Gotcha. I was thinking the same thing." He let go of me, walked over to the windows, and began to close the blinds. "It's about time we bent those rules. All I've been thinking about since you started working here is having you on this desk."
I swallowed hard. "No, that's not...I don't think we should bend the rules." I sat down in one of the chairs and grabbed my cup of coffee, using it as almost a shield.
He walked up behind me and ran his hand down the side of my neck.
I still got chills whenever he touched me. Even though I was mad at him, that feeling hadn't just disappeared overnight. I still wanted him just as much as I always did. Probably even more since I hadn't been able to have him in so long.
"Rules are meant to be broken." His breath was hot against my neck as he began to massage my shoulders.
Fuck that feels good.
"And I know breaking rules turns you on. You're probably dripping wet right now, just thinking about it aren't you?"
"Stop." I shifted forward on the chair, letting his hands fall from my shoulders. "You're going to make me spill my coffee."
"Penny, I'm caving." He walked around me and leaned against the front of his desk. "I need you. I can't even function anymore. I'm horny as hell."
"Sure you are." He had sex this weekend with some hooker. And he had probably screwed Isabella and Rachel too. Asshole.
He lowered his eyebrows. "What, do you want me to beg you? I'll beg if you want, baby." He kneeled in front of me and ran his hands up my thighs. "I need you. Now."
I took a huge sip of coffee instead of answering him. Why was he trying to have sex with me right now? He should have been apologizing. And groveling. He was acting like nothing had happened.
"How was your weekend, James?"
"I missed you."
I pressed my thighs together to stop his hands from traveling any farther. "Tell me about your bachelor party."
He sighed and sat down in the chair beside mine. "It was okay."
"Just okay?"
He ran his hand through his hair. "I think Rob and Matt probably enjoyed it the most. I really just hung out with Mason by the pool."
"Nothing super eventful that you want to tell me about?"
"No, it was just relaxing."
Fuck you. "Nothing you want to talk to me about?"
"Um...no? How was your weekend? Did you have fun without me?"
"Not really, no."
He lowered his eyebrows. "Is everything okay, baby?"
I was getting exasperated. I didn't want to run around in circles. "No, it's not. I had a really shitty weekend actually. I tried to call you a million times, James."
"I didn't have my phone. What did you expect me to do?" He gave me a playful smile.
"To figure out a way to call me back."
"I did. And you didn't pick up."
"Yeah, because I was sleeping. I tried to call you back and they asked for a password. When I didn't know it, they hung up and then none of my other calls went through. Where the hell were you?"
"I told you. It was called the Blue Parrot Resort. It's in Costa Rica. I heard you had a bachelorette party. How'd that go?"
I tried to swallow down the lump in my throat. Is that why he did what he did? Because he thought I was doing the same? I didn't fuck a random stranger. What the hell was wrong with him? Before I could answer him, his phone started ringing.
"Sorry, I need to take this. I missed all my calls this weekend and I don't want to get any further behind. Hold on a sec." He put his hand on my knee, leaned over his desk, and grabbed his work phone. "Hunter."
He kept his hand on my knee as if he was worried I would flee. He was probably right. I didn't think this was how our conversation would go. I thought he'd tell me what happened right away and say how sorry he was. Instead, he was acting like nothing had happened.
"I asked you not to..." his voice trailed off and he shoved his free hand into his pocket. "Really?" He looked down at me. "I mean...I doubt it will change their minds, but it would be great if you tried." A smile had spread across his face. "Thanks a lot, Isabella. Let me know how it goes. Bye."
Isabella? My stomach seemed to churn. "I thought you asked her not to contact us?" I already knew she wasn't listening to his request because she had been contacting me via terrible pictures. But I didn't know she had been contacting him too. I set my coffee down. My ha
nds had started shaking and I didn't want to spill the coffee all over myself.
James hung up the phone. "Actually, she called me Friday night before I was kidnapped." He laughed. "And she apologized again...about how the engagement party went. She said that my parents had invited her and that it wasn't her idea to ambush me. She really seemed sorry. She wants me to be happy."
Bullshit. I had noticed his pause after claiming she had apologized. Was she apologizing for the kiss they shared last week instead? I took a deep breath. "Okay, but why are you talking to her now?"
"She just told me that she's going to try to talk to my parents. She wants them to come around."
"And you believe her?"
He shrugged. "I don't know. I want to. My mom loves her. If anyone can convince my parents to come to the wedding, it's Isabella."
"Is that it?"
"What do you mean?"
"Is that the only reason you're talking to her? Because she's claiming she's going to help you?"
"Of course."
"Do you still have feelings for her?"
He laughed. "No. Penny," he grabbed my hand and sat down next to me again. "If you're worried about me getting cold feet...it's not going to happen. I love you and only you. You have nothing to worry about."
Stop lying. "I don't want you to talk to her anymore."
"Isabella?"
"Yes, your ex wife. She's...toxic."
"She's actually been really nice recently."
To you maybe. Was that her plan? To torture me and weasel her way back into James' heart? She was an evil genius, because I was falling apart and he was calling her nice. "Did you always plan on moving back here?"
"What?"
"Ian said that you paid him a year's salary so he wouldn't have to work for Isabella when you moved to Delaware. He said you were coming back in a year. You never told me that."
"I thought I'd come back, yeah. I just needed a break from this lifestyle. When I left New York, I never imagined I'd meet someone like you."
"But you did meet me. And you never told me about your master plan."
"It wasn't a master plan. The date wasn't set in stone. It was tentative. My life was a mess. I couldn't plan that far ahead. I was still figuring out what I wanted."