The Best Bizarro Fiction of the Decade

by Aimee Bender

  Dressica found a seat in the fifth row as her uncle addressed the council.

  “A dark time has fallen upon our land. The river no longer flows from the north.”

  Murmurs spread through the crowd. A young man sitting beside Dressica spoke out of turn. “But the water is supposed to come from the edge of the world,” he said.

  Uncle Max pointed across the room. “The elders here must face the truth. If we continue to lie, then this community will be torn apart.”

  “Does the floor accept a followup question?” Eve-al asked. Max nodded, and she continued. “I understand your concerns, but what point are you trying to make?”

  “I contacted farmers to the north. The flow stopped this evening, somewhere just below the red line.”

  One of the young council members signaled a followup question. Max motioned for him to speak.

  “The red line is the last space before the world ends.”

  Uncle Max shook his head gravely.

  Dez whispered to Dressica. “I knew the world was bigger than Dischargia.”

  She agreed, but shushed him anyway.

  Uncle Max spoke to a video camera. “Children, we taught you a story, one you had no reason to doubt. But we can no longer force your heads into the sand. Life comes from the river, and its flow starts beyond our world.”

  People stood, pointed fingers and broke into shouts. Eve-al beat her spiked hammer on the table, bringing the crowd to order.

  “Most of us grew up hearing tales of lands beyond the red line,” she said. “And most, I admit, never believed them, but it seems that something on the outside is killing our river.”

  “It’s a monster!” someone called out.

  “Fuck you all!” someone else yelled.

  Eve-al rapped her hammer. The council conferred and, moments later, a resolution was typed and transmitted to electric clipboards across the city. Provided the citizens of Crassville reached a consensus, a team would be dispatched to cross the red line. Dressica picked up the pad in front of her seat and entered her mutual aid number. She watched the votes tally. A few citizens voted in favor of the resolution, but hundreds of others countered with negative votes.

  Dressica watched Uncle Max sit down and dip his head in sorrow. She typed her name into the stack, as no one else seemed willing to speak. Standing up, she said, “I’ll go!”

  Everyone in the hall turned to look at her.

  “You’re afraid that you will be called to cross the red line on behalf of punk-kind. But I know there is more to this world, and I’m not afraid.”

  Uncle Max smiled at his niece then looked at his clipboard. Suddenly, two hundred votes shifted to the affirmative. “That settles it,” he said, using his walking stick to push himself up from his seat. “I’ll join you.”

  More votes switched over. Now, only thirty citizens blocked the resolution. Dressica sighed. The peace punks were afraid that the others would start fights beyond the red line. She knew it.

  At that moment, the door opened. Everyone turned to see Isa—former pit gladiator—enter the hall. A peace symbol was embroidered on the butt flap that hung over her gray pants.

  “I’ll do it,” she said. “Someone has to provide a voice for peace.”

  Dressica watched her clipboard. Twenty-nine more votes shifted. She looked at Dez. He hid his clipboard, but she didn’t need to see it to know how he had voted.

  “We’re gonna need an engineer,” she whispered to him.

  “One warrior, a cripple and an old man?” Dez shook his head as a wave of frustration washed across the room.

  “Change your vote, asshole!”

  “We’ll die without water!”

  “Eat dog shit, you fucknut!”

  Dez stood and shouted, “I won’t change my vote!”

  Dressica glared. She could have punched him.

  “I’m in!” The voice came from the back of the hall, causing Dressica to drop her clipboard.

  Raz strode into the room, and there was silence except for the sound of the spurs on his combat boots. Both Dressica and Isa shook their heads. Dressica was about to say ‘hell no’ when she heard the signal.

  Consensus reached.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  A crowd of citizens had gathered around the team as they stood by the ‘Welcome to Crassville’ sign. Uncle Max’s hair tied back; two shotguns crossed on his back in slings. Isa had throwing knifes strapped to her legs. The same ones she had used for years in the pit.

  Dressica slung a rifle over her shoulder. She felt confident. If Mama Killmaiden were here, she would surely try to talk her daughter out of this mission, or even block the vote. But she wasn’t, and Dressica was an adult capable of making this journey.

  She heard the sound of spurs as Raz arrived late to join them. He didn’t look at Dressica, and she didn’t look at him.

  Eve-al and Keith Tesco of the council stepped away from the crowd. “The hopes of our great society rest in your capable hands,” Eve-al said.

  Suddenly, a dust cloud was kicked up. Something massive rounded the corner. Dressica unslung her rifle, ready to fire at whatever monster might be upon them. The rest of the team pulled out their weapons as Dressica loaded a round into the rifle’s chamber.

  “Back! Back!” she shouted to the crowd.

  Slowly, the dust cleared. The thing was, in fact, a Ford Mustang with its roof cut off. Its body, painted like a shark’s open mouth, was haloed by barbed wire, its wheels covered in sharp spikes. Dez stood up in the front seat.

  “Need a ride to the red line?”

  “I almost shot you.”

  Isa sniffed the air. “I smell something cooking.”

  Uncle Max walked the length of the car. “How did you get one of these old things moving again?”

  Dez jumped out of the car. “Been working on it for months. It runs on recycled cooking oil and a system of pedals. I call it a hybrid.”

  Dressica examined it, too. There was no floor in the vehicle, just six sets of bike pedals. She slung her rifle and jumped into the muscle car. Sitting behind the driver’s seat, she positioned her feet on the pedals. Raz jumped in next, the car bouncing with his weight. Once all were inside, they locked their feet into the pedals.

  Eve-al approached the car. She smiled at Dressica but went past her, stopping at Uncle Max. She leaned over the barbed wire to whisper into his ear.

  “Tell them why.”

  Dressica’s ears were damaged, but she could still hear her. Eve-al then patted Uncle Max’s shoulder and stepped back to join the crowd.

  “Rock on!” she yelled.

  Dez showed Dressica how to put the car in drive. “Pedal!” he then shouted.

  All five of them did so, and the car revved slowly to life. The stereo blared “Rise Above” by Black Flag. Raz pumped his fist once the drumbeat kicked in.

  “Fuck yeah!”

  Uncle Max nodded, smiling as the team rolled away.

  “Get us some fucking water!” Keith Tesco screamed and shoved his fellow councilor. Eve-al pushed him back. Everyone in the crowd began to mosh.

  “Rise above! We’re gonna rise above!” the crowd chanted as the Mustang rolled out of Crassville on its journey with destiny.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  Dressica had worked up a pretty good sweat. There were times the car could coast, but, after a few minutes, the tape deck would slow and the sound of sluggish music would cue everyone that it was time to pedal again.

  They took a road that led up a hill and away from Crassville. They saw a few farms along the side of the road but mostly empty desert. Isa stood up every couple miles and looked through binoculars at the river.

  The flow had not increased. The mountain that had always been a snow-capped dot grew larger as they pedaled closer to it. Raz bored easily, so he spent most of his time releasing and sharpening his razors. He didn’t seem to notice that it made everyone else nervous.

  Dez studied Raz’s bladed shoulders. Raz glanced at him and said,
“Think you could do better?”

  Dez laughed. “I have done better. You can’t get close to Dressica once she’s in the pit.”

  Raz retracted his blades with a snap. He flexed, the steel casing becoming visible beneath his skin. He turned to Isa and grinned.

  “Sorry about the arm.”

  Isa started pedaling. They were coasting down the road, so she didn’t need to pedal. Still, it kept her from ripping out Raz’s throat.

  Uncle Max tapped Raz on the shoulder. “You know, when I was your age, the pit was a celebration of unity.”

  Isa smiled at him, and the old man continued, “We danced together as an outlet for aggression but when someone fell, we picked them back up again.”

  Raz glared at the old man. “Fucking hippie.”

  “Have you ever seen a hippie?” Dressica asked.

  “No, but I’ve read about them.”

  “Bullshit,” she said. “Hippies are a myth.”

  Uncle Max took his niece’s hand into his own and shook his head. “Is the way you do things really so fun?” he asked.

  Dressica smiled just thinking of the excitement of the pit. “Fuck yeah! The pit is awesome! The energy, the emotion…”

  Isa shook her head. “It’s all bullshit. The council uses it as population control.”

  Dressica saw that they were nearing the border. Otherwise, she would have told Isa that she was being crazy.

  The pavement ended abruptly. The car slowed to a stop before it reached the drop-off. A small sign stood just in front of a long red line of paint. It read:

  ‘Enter the Phantom Zone at your own risk.’

  Dressica jumped out of the car and walked to the line. Dez followed her. Just the idea of crossing it went against everything they had been taught since they were children. From the backseat, Isa scanned the area with binoculars, but could see very little. A fog bank hung around the base of the mountain.

  Raz pounded on the dashboard. “Let’s fuckin’ do it!”

  Dressica returned to the car. “Tell us why,” she said to her uncle.

  Uncle Max played dumb. “Why what?”

  “That’s what Eve-al told you. I think she meant the red line. Or maybe something even bigger.”

  He shook his head. “It’s not the right time.”

  “We’re crossing into the Phantom Zone. It’s fucking time.”

  Raz bounced in his seat like an excited chimp. “Those sound like fuckin’ lyrics, man!” He started pedaling, and the stereo came on. Raz ejected the tape in the deck and put in a mix he had made. “Sick Boy” by G.B.H. blared through the speakers. “Let’s go!”

  Uncle Max smiled, letting the classic punk song provide him with an excuse to remain silent.

  Dressica put the vehicle into drive. Dez still stood at the line, shaking his head.

  “No, there’s nothing across the red line.”

  “That’s fucking elder talk, dude!” Raz shouted over the music. “Don’t be a wuss!”

  “Get in or walk back,” Dressica added. “Your choice.”

  Dez jumped into the back seat. “I shouldn’t have taught you how to put this thing in drive,” he said.

  Dressica floored it. As they blew past the line, Isa let out the breath that she had held.

  The car disappeared into the fog at the base of the mountain.

  CHAPTER SIX

  They could see nothing as the car cut through the fog. Dressica turned the volume down as the mix tape rolled on to an Angry Samoans song. She felt the power weaken when Dez took his feet off the pedal and looked down. He shook Dressica’s seat.

  “Fuck! Turn around!”

  Dressica looked down, too. She couldn’t see the ground beneath them, just fog.

  “It’s all true!” Dez cried. “We’re going to die!”

  “Keep going!” Uncle Max yelled.

  But Dressica stopped the car. Isa groaned. Dez looked around nervously. Dressica slammed her fists against the steering wheel and shifted in her seat to face her uncle.

  “When I was a kid, you told me something about the world. Was it true?”

  Uncle Max took a deep breath. “Just keep going forward,” he said. “You’ll find a road.”

  “Fucking knew it!” Raz laughed and turned up the music.

  Dressica punched the eject button. “Come on, just tell us! Eve-al wanted you to do it!’”

  Uncle Max nodded. “Okay, I’ll tell you everything.” He sighed. “It was Reagan’s fault. He isn’t just a myth. Back in the day, he was—”

  PSSSSPAT!

  An arrow penetrated Max’s chest. He clutched the arrow to his chest and screamed. Dressica squinted through the fog in the direction the arrow had come from. A beast, taller than the car, could be seen in the fog a short distance away. It stood on four legs and was taller than the car. A man sat on its back, holding a bow and arrow.

  “Drive!” Max shouted, coughing up blood. He pulled one of his shotguns free and fired it.

  The beast rider’s head exploded in a shower of skull shards and brain matter.

  Uncle Max said nothing, just pulled one of his shotguns free and fired it. The man flew off the back of the beast, his head coming apart in a shower of brain matter.

  “Pedal!” Dressica shouted. Everyone pedaled hard as she hit the gas. The car lurched as its wheels found the start of a road.

  The lifted as they ascended, but more of the giant beasts appeared, galloping beside them on both sides. They heard a sound like a lawnmower as a bike with a motor pulled up on the right. The man on the bike loaded a shotgun. Raz jumped up and swung his arm-blade at the biker’s throat. Blood sprayed; the bike fell away.

  “Pedal harder!”

  The car sped past the beasts. It seemed the riders were holding them back.

  Isa looked at the riverbed through binoculars. “I can’t tell if it’s flowing or not. We need to get closer.”

  Dressica pulled the car off the road and stopped the car. Isa jumped out. Dressica turned to Uncle Max. He had pulled out the arrow. His shirt and pants were soaked through with blood. His eyelids fluttered; he barely breathed. Dez searched his pack for the first aid kit, but Dressica knew it was too late.

  “I never lied to you,” said Uncle Max with his last breath.

  Dressica closed his eyes just as Dez pulled out the first aid kit.

  “Put it away.”

  He returned it to his bag.

  Isa returned from the riverbed. “The water is here, but the flow is very weak. We just need to keep following it.”

  Dressica looked up at the sky. The sun was setting.

  “We’ll bury Uncle Max. Then, in the morning, we’ll find the bastards who are taking our water.”

  That night, Raz fell asleep slumped against a tree. Isa slept close to the fire, and Dez, who never spent time outside of Crassville, slept on the back seat of the Mustang.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  The sun poked over the ridge and shined on Raz. He awoke, startled, blades out. Once he realized there was no threat, he retracted his blades.

  Dressica laughed at him and turned to watch the sun rise over the mountain. On the far side of it, she could see the lights of a village. It was smaller than Crassville, but well lit even at dawn. Dressica peered through the binoculars. To the east of city, large fields rolled with crops.

  “See anything?” Raz asked.

  Dressica pointed north. “A city.” She broke a small branch in frustration. “The people there must be diverting our river.”

  Raz kicked Isa awake. She smacked his foot with her mechanical hand.

  “Wake up, sleeping beauty.”

  “Fuck you,” she said, smacking his foot with her mechanical hand.

  “Really,” he continued. “It’s time to kick some ass.”

  Isa sat up. Dressica handed the binoculars to her.

  “We have to talk to them,” Isa said. “They probably don’t realize that we need the river, too.”

  “Are you daft?” Raz snorte
d. “They were riding on monsters and killed Max! You can’t talk to them!”

  “I’m sure it was just a misunderstanding,” said Isa.

  “Maybe, maybe not. But we’re going to help them, offer some mutual aid. It’s what we do.”

  Dez stumbled sleepily from the Mustang. “What if they want to kill us?”

  “Then the pit fighting starts…”

  Raz grinned, exposing food stuck between his teeth.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  The Mustang slowed as the team reached a large painted sign.

  WELCOME TO GOLDWATER!

  Spread out before them were homes laid out in row after row of straight lines. A small patch of short green stuff surrounded each home, looking like prairie grass, though green rather than yellow. None of the homes had band posters on the outside; none had stages built out front.

  Dressica had never seen such odd buildings. They didn’t even look lived in.

  “Are those houses?” asked Dez.

  “I don’t know.”

  Suddenly, one of the strange beasts came running toward them down the main road.

  “Quick! Turn!” Dez screamed behind Dressica. She aimed the car toward the first side street she saw. William F. Buckley Drive. The car sped past countless identical homes with well-manicured lawns.

  “What the fuck is this place?” Raz yelled.

  “Look!” Isa shouted. “People!”

  The car slowed as they came upon a man who stood in front of a house, holding a hose. His white shirt featured no band logo. The things on his feet were not boots. His skin was pale white, free of tattoos. He had very little hair on his head, just a small patch like pubic hair.

  The car rolled up beside the man. He looked at them in shock as Raz stood on his seat and ejected the razors on his arm.

  “That’s our fucking water, bro!”

  The man dropped the hose and ran toward his house. The door opened, and a woman in a white skirt and blue blouse stepped outside. She had a full head of un-dyed hair the color of desert straw.