by Lucian Bane
Sade regarded her secretive look and took a deep breath before glancing around for an escape.
The toaster popped and she went in reverse, pointing at him it. “Organize your thoughts while I get your toast. Then we’ll take this outside, the morning is gorgeous!” she squealed, hurrying to the fridge, sky blue silk robe flowing behind her. “Don’t tell,” she whispered, mischief in her voice, “but I’m up to surprise Kane with breakfast in bed.”
“Aw Mom, don’t let me stop you.”
“Shut uuuup!” she cried, tossing him an incredulous gaze while loading a wooden tray with their morning goodies. She picked it up and headed toward the door. “Now come on, follow meeeee,” she sang, kicking open the screen door and hurrying through it.
Sade ran and caught it before it could slam and wake up the house. But what did it matter? Having a heart to heart with his mom about this shit was the last thing he wanted. Ever.
She placed the tray on a small table before a pair of white rocking chairs then sat in one and patted the other. Sade took another breath as he sat, dreading what she might manage to drag out of him. She handed him his toast and coffee with a smile, like she’d dreamed of doing that, then drew her feet up, getting comfortable. “Mmmm,” she said, embracing her cup in both hands while sipping. “Look at this place. What a view, baby, right?”
He gazed out at the ocean that had called to him this morning. Like it had secrets to share with him. “It is. Very.” He slid his gaze along the softly breathing giant, the blanket of diamonds on its surface nearly blinding in the first sunlight.
“Okay spill it, what’s bothering you?”
God, he didn’t want to do this with her. Not his mother. He just wanted to have nice moments with her. Hadn’t they had enough shit together? Sade set his toast down.
“Ohh,” she muttered. “So bad you lose your appetite? That’s no good!”
He stared into his cup of coffee now, still debating on escape tactics.
“You think everybody doesn’t see it?”
He looked at her, panic hitting his stomach.
“All the stress you’re under? Come on, what’s wrong, we’re at this island, everything is beautiful, you have the woman you love?”
Sade slid his jaw to the right at that, nodding absently in the deafening silence that ensued.
“Oh come on, you’re not going to sit there and act like you don’t love Mercy, are you?”
He snorted a little and shrugged, looking out. “Love,” he muttered.
“Yes, love,” she repeated, sounding concerned. “I know you probably didn’t think you’d ever experience it, but I always knew you would, sweetie.”
He scanned the empty beach again.
“What?” she pried.
“I don’t know,” he muttered. “I just…” he shook his head and slid his finger over the rim of his cup. “How would I even know what that is?”
She set her coffee down and leaned over, grabbing his wrist firmly. “You listen to me young man. Look at me.”
Sade couldn’t deny her that much and met her clear, silver gaze.
“I am your mother and I know some things. I know some things about you, young man. You do know what love is. Oh my God,” she wailed softly then. “You, mister, have a very big heart.”
The absurdity of that nearly made him laugh, but the longing for her to be the slightest bit right, stole his voice. He wasn’t sure what fantasy drug she was taking, but that wasn't the reality.
“Don’t shake your head at me, I’m not crazy here. You listen to me, you know what love is, you have a huge heart. Oh my God, stop snorting!” she shrilled lightly. “Do you remember how you used to rescue those nasty little earthworms? In your pocket?” She giggled. “And those pennies you’d find on the ground and say it had fallen from Heaven? You’d always put them in your little jar,” she said dreamily.
He did remember that. “To buy you that stairway to heaven.” That never existed. He wasn’t happy that she let him believe in such a thing when she knew it didn’t really exist. Not something he’d held nearly sacred at the time. But he allowed for the fact that she probably needed to have something nice to pretend about.
And yet she gasped, “Yes!” sounding so happy about it still. “And what about how you used to cry over dead animals on the side of the road, or-or avoid every crack not to break your mother’s back!” She gave in to silent giggles.
A sudden sadness hit him, adding to the other bullshit inside. His childhood ignorance had fought so valiantly against the cruel realities of life, and lost.
“And those angel pictures you drew for me and put under my pillow to protect me. And how you dressed in a superhero costume to fight the bad guys?”
Sade’s stomach knotted with the other stuff that came with those memories. There had been too many bad guys. But how did she still not get the punch line? The joke was on them, on him. All his trying to protect, believe and overcome… all blown to hell. And yet she sat there and talked like they’d escaped it and lived happily ever fucking after.
“And how you held my hand when I cried? Remember that day I was going to work? You tried to stop me, you gave me all your saved pennies so that I didn’t have to…”
Sade’s chest tightened with fury at hearing her on the verge of crying. Just what he fucking couldn’t take right now. Why was she doing this?
She shook her head roughly and wiped her eyes. “Oh honey, you—are a very good boy, Johnny, do you hear me? Look at me.” He cringed at the name, wishing she wouldn’t call him that ever again. He hated that he didn’t like his own mother using it. If anybody deserved to call him that name, it was her. He took her hand when she reached for him, unable to resist kissing it. “Only people who love, do those things. That was all you. You did all that because that’s who you are inside.”
He pulled his hand away now. “Was, maybe.”
“No, are!”
Growing more annoyed, he raked all his fingers through his hair. “Things changed Mom,” he muttered, hoping she’d realize the outcome of that story and end their trip down nightmare lane, littered with blood, suffering and cute angel pictures drawn by a little boy who cried himself to sleep every fucking night. Just like her.
“Listen, we endured a lot of shit baby, I give you that. But we didn’t let it change us.”
Jesus fucking Christ. “How can you even say that, you know what happened, you know what I do for the man.”
“Did, Johnny! And you did what you had to until you could do something else, you were planning a way out.” She shot a finger at him. “You hadn’t given him everything, you hadn’t and you know it.”
He stood and faced the ocean, ready to jump out of his skin. “I don’t want to talk about this. Not with you.”
“Then talk to Mercy, but talk to somebody!”
“Especially not her. Not about this.”
“Why not!” she gasped.
Why not? Why not? He searched himself for that answer, realizing he didn’t really have an answer to that. But he would. He’d have that answer and he’d give it to Mercy. And she’d leave him. She’d leave him like all good things did. Like he fucking deserved because that’s the product, the sum, the quotient, the difference in his life. Good always equaled gone.
Because you’re scared, that’s why,” his mother helped. “And baby, that’s okay, it’s normal.”
“There is nothing fucking normal about me, Mom,” he barely muttered.
“Don’t you say that, there are tons of things normal about you. Sure you fought and fucked all your life, so have I. You don’t think I was scared?”
She stood next to him now, sharing the view with him. “I was terrified. For you, for me. For us. I know terror, I know fear, trust me.”
That, he knew was truth. “She’s… she’s different.”
“Of course she is,” his mom hissed. “That’s why you love her.”
“I mean she doesn’t… understand the things…” No, he knew tha
t wasn’t true. He knew she understood. Too much maybe. “I don’t want her in my shit, Mom.”
“Oh honey, that’s too fucking bad,” she said matter-of-factly. “She’s not going anywhere, you can hang that up. And that woman loves you. I see it and I thank God for that! And do you know why?”
“No, I don’t know why. It’s a mystery to me why—a fucking… oxymoron.”
“Because she sees the good man in you, baby!” she squealed.
“There is no good man in me,” he argued, his frustration mounting.
“You’re stupid if you think you’ll convince her or me of that.”
He looked at her. “I’m not going to stand here and pretend that I’m somebody I’m not. I may have been good once upon a time but that’s gone, trust me. I’m not just saying it. You think I want to be this person? Am making this up?” He slapped his chest. “I’m a sadist who loves getting and giving pain of any kind. You think that’s something she needs? In any capacity? An animal that wants to hurt her?”
She shook her head, but the denial kind, making him want to growl. “I get it but that’s not all of you and you know it. You’ve got to reach deeper than that and become the man you are deeper inside.”
“You sound like her now.”
“Then she’s right!” his mom cried.
“Yeah?” He looked at her. “You think I haven’t tried to do that all these years? Tried to not be that motherfucker? Try still to this fucking day not to be him? You would think that having somebody like her in my life would help, but it’s worse than fucking ever,” he hissed.
She stared at him, sympathy in her silver gaze. “I know it’s not easy, sweetheart, I know what it’s like to battle demons.” She gave a sad smile and stroked his face and he realized how true that had to be for her. He didn’t even want to imagine what kind of demons she battled. No doubt, the same kind Mercy had to. But where they’d fought the monster, he’d embraced it. The can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em mentality. He could almost remember the day it happened, when he thought 'I’ll just pretend, I’ll play the game'. But somewhere along the way, the game played him.
“It’s too late,” he muttered.
“No.” She shook her head emphatically, looking out again. “It’s not, it’s not too late.”
“I don’t…” he looked away from her, closing his eyes, fighting the anger taking him. “I don’t know… how to come back from it. The wires are fried.”
“You just need help with it, Mercy can do that, she’s your soul mate, I see that.”
He snorted full out now. “What a fucking joke for her. An angel lives a life of fucking ruin and ends up with the monster. It’s a good thing I don’t believe in God,” he muttered, “because that right there would be a problem for me.” She gasped the second he said it and he shook his head. “You’re shocked? Yeah, that’s old news. I lost that a long time ago.”
She gave another incredulous sound, more than the first. “That’s it!? Sorry Ma? Sorry, I lost my faith!?”
“Add it to the fucking list of faults I have. Sade couldn’t hang, he joined the crowd, he gave in, he embraced the monster." He pinned her with a furious gaze. "You think I wanted that? You think I fucking wanted that? Wanted to begin to wonder why? Why didn’t you love me, God? Why did you give me a father that hated me, hated my mom? A dad that was only nice after he had his way with me? Yeah, I fucking took it,” he seethed as she covered her mouth. “I took what I could, whatever good feelings I could get, how’s that for a good boy? Every good boy just looooves to be fucked by their father to feel one—ounce—of fucking—love!” he roared. “Don’t tell me I’m good! Don’t you fucking tell me God is good! Because if He’s good, then that means I’m one, unworthy bastard! And yeah,” he nodded, gasping for air at his mom now on her knees, hiding behind both hands. “I can go with that. Little Johnny's not… worthy enough,” Sade gasped a laugh, gripping the porch rail. “... for even God to…. fucking…” He grit his teeth and slammed his fist into the post. "Fuck this! This is fucking bullshit!"
“When?” she wailed on her knees. “When did he, Johnny. I didn’t know, I didn’t know.” She suddenly shot up to her feet and grabbed his t-shirt in her fists. “I’ll kill him, I’ll kill that motherfucker,” she growled, shaking her head rapidly. “Not that, not that.” Her face crimped and she sobbed, “Not! That, not that, not that,” she wailed. “I didn’t know, I didn’t know, I would’ve killed him! I’m going to kill that motherfucker!” She struggled to get free, like she’d leave that second. “Oh my God, I thought I could forgive him,” she wailed again, collapsing into him. “But not that, not that!”
Sade was trembling and fighting to breathe as he held her head to his chest, stifling her screaming sobs as she repeated, “No, not that.”
Sade held her head to his chest, stifling her screaming sobs as she repeated not that. “Shhh, shhhhh,” he whispered, holding her with eyes closed. He'd not meant to say all of that. But really, deep down, he figured she'd known. How would she not?
She suddenly pushed him away and pointed in his face, “You listen to me! You… listen… to me!" she gasped. "God loves you! God has always loved you.” She shook her head again. “He’s not the one that chose your father, He didn’t choose that life,” she patted her chest rapidly. “That was me, that was me. God never wanted that, I promise you, baby. God loves you,” she cried, bitterly. “Who do you think helped me escape? It was Kane, and who do you think told him to help me?” She pointed up and nodded, her teary eyes wide and hopeful. “That’s right, the Man upstairs, He told Kane to help me. And he listened." She gasped several times, face crimping in agony again. "But I didn’t. I knew better than that life, I knew it was wrong but I was young and stupid. Don’t you fucking listen to those lies in your head,” she hissed. “All lies. The truth is in here,” she pressed her palm firmly to his chest. "It's all in here."
A deep sadness clutched Sade as he reached up and put his hand over hers, holding it there. Holding it to that dark, shattered mess she called his heart. There was no point in telling her he was broken and beyond fixing. That he was not the son she remembered or envisioned in her lovely, sweet mind and heart. He wished so badly that he was. He wished so much that he could go back in time to that day when he embraced it all, and just found a way to die. While he was innocent. “I love you Mom,” he gasped, kissing the top of her head, over and over. “That will never change. Ever.”
The sound of the ocean surf kissing the beach, reached out to him. He closed his eyes as the cold fingers stroked over that cavern in his chest to finally impart its secret. Love. It’s what Mercy desperately needed from him. And it’s what he didn’t have to give. Not the kind she deserved. All he had was a mind and body twisted and tangled with the cruelty of his life. A man he hated and was deeply ashamed of in the light of her pureness. But the worst part… the part he loathed the most about himself… was how much he loved the filth within.
Chapter Four
Mercy woke abruptly, sitting up in bed, feeling like she’d forgotten something important. Like she wasn’t supposed to have fallen asleep maybe.
Sade.
Panic shot her out of the bed and to her closet, looking for a robe to throw on. Where was he? Oh God, he’d broken down with her. As good as it was for that to happen, she knew what came after that. A new level of isolation and distance. She couldn’t let that happen. She’d give him time and space but only so much. He’d broken with her in such a way that was dangerous. The kind of break that leaves you open to very bad things. She needed to be there to protect him, help guide him through that place he wanted to keep her out of, to protect her from, so she didn’t get hurt, didn’t get infected by his disease. As amazing and perfect as that was coming from a sadist, it wasn’t fucking happening. She was here for him for a reason. She was in his life for a reason. His life. And this was it. To help him see that he deserved this. Love, life. Mercy.
Flying downstairs she nearly ran over Sade’s mom.
“He’s on the beach. Go to him.”
Mercy didn’t wait to ask what was wrong, she just hurried out, trying not to panic. What did his mother know? What happened? Why did she sound so distraught? Mercy had managed to get him to lay in bed with her after his meltdown and he’d fallen asleep. Everything seemed fine.
Opening the screen door, she blocked the sun with a hand, hurrying down the steps while searching the beach for signs of him. She spotted a black dot and looked both ways before heading toward it. Had to be him. She forced herself to walk, but allowed herself a brisk pace. The air was warm already, promising a blistering day. Took her a while to realize the person was walking away from her, not towards.
“Sade!” Three yells later, the form stopped and seemed to turn. She waved at him and held her breath, waiting. A hand raised and she gasped out a laugh of relief, her eyes flooding with tears. She couldn’t bear him not wanting to be around her even if it wasn’t his or her fault.
She hurried towards him and when only ten feet separated them, he stopped and faced the ocean. She slowed her steps and crossed her arms over her chest, suddenly feeling like a desperate lover, running after him in a night robe. She gazed out at the ocean. “Beautiful morning for a walk,” she gasped, trying not to sound as winded as she was.
He nodded. “Sure is.”
She came to stand a few feet from him, respecting his unspoken need for space.
“You sleep okay? Man, I slept like a log.”
An awkward silence followed with Mercy struggling for something to lighten the mood with. She remembered about their trip to the neighboring island they were supposed to take, they were scheduled to leave at noon and return in a few days. They were going to make a little fun vacation out of it—swim, fish, scuba-dive maybe. Just the idea of being with Sade in one spot gave her butterflies. He’d been very evasive with her, always seeming to need to do something else the second she came around. Something that involved being away from her. “Ready to hook a shark?”
He continued studying the horizon to the right. “I’m not going,” he said.