‘Loan yourself?’ Hugh asked. ‘What the hell does that mean?’
‘I don’t know how better—’
‘Can I ask?’ Hugh interrupted and in his very own way got straight to the point. ‘Why did you do nursing, then? If you don’t want to see people at their most raw, if you don’t want to loan yourself, as you call it, why would you do this job?’ Emily didn’t answer and he looked at her tense lips and knew he was on the right track. ‘Or did you always want to be a theatre nurse? Did Emily scrub in for her dolls?’ Still she didn’t answer. ‘I mean, it’s a pretty specific goal.’
‘I always wanted to be a nurse,’ Emily said.
‘Then surely—’
‘I didn’t want to let my parents mess another part of me up,’ Emily almost shouted. And she never shouted, she never rowed, yet Hugh seemed to take her to the edge in all areas. ‘Hugh, I know myself. I know what I want and what I don’t. Don’t try and change me.’
‘I’m not trying to change you, Emily—I’m trying to understand you.’
‘You don’t have to understand me.’ She didn’t want him close enough to understand her and so she asked her question again. ‘What time are you heading off?’
‘You...you want me gone, don’t you?’
‘You were supposed to be here for a few hours and it’s been two nights.’
Hugh was very unused to being dismissed and given what had taken place that morning he hadn’t expected to be so quickly shown the door.
‘What about this morning?’ Hugh said.
‘What about it?’ Emily frowned. ‘It doesn’t change anything.’
‘It did for me.’ Hugh just looked at the stranger who stood in Emily’s shoes, a complete different person from the one who had woken up in his arms. ‘Do you know why I didn’t try anything last night?’ Hugh said, and when Emily didn’t answer, he did. ‘Because I didn’t want you regretting it in the morning.’
‘I don’t regret it,’ Emily said, ‘but neither do I want to repeat it. We had sex, Hugh. As you said, being your fake girlfriend comes with the occasional perk.’
‘Why does it have to be fake?’
Emily couldn’t actually tell him that without breaking down so she gave a brief shrug, and it incensed him enough not to even attempt to argue.
Instead, he gathered his things.
‘I’ll let you get on with your holiday, then.’
The peace she craved had finally been delivered yet it wasn’t so pleasant any more.
She wanted to text him, to ask him to turn the car around and come back. To continue where they’d left off earlier that morning. And then what? A few weeks or months as partners?
The best few weeks and months of her adult life, no doubt.
But then what?
She didn’t want to have to get over him. She didn’t want to pay the price of love—the potential for pain.
She wasn’t scared of the sparks that she and Hugh ignited. She was more scared of the wildfire it would create and the charred remains when it inevitably burnt out.
He had been spot on about her career, though.
Moneywise it would be foolish at best to hand in her notice without securing another job first and he had been right about working for an agency.
A few phone calls to various agencies told Emily that she couldn’t be guaranteed full-time work in Theatre but there was a big demand for ICU nurses and, with her skills, she could also work in Emergency.
Hugh was right, she didn’t want to move out of her comfort zone.
* * *
She really didn’t have a choice and so just over a week later Emily found herself working in Emergency.
‘You’ll soon get used to it,’ Lydia, the charge nurse, said as she showed her around.
Emily didn’t want to get used to it. She remembered A nd E well from her training and even though it was a different hospital the pace of it hadn’t changed.
And the staff still gossiped like crazy.
‘So, how long have you been seeing Hugh?’ Gerry, one of the head nurses asked, as Emily wrote Gina’s name on the board.
‘A couple of months on and off,’ Emily said, and could feel the smirks behind her because they’d all heard the rumour that he’d got off with Gina.
Oh, they were like witches around the cauldron, waiting for the show to begin, and at the end of her first week in the dreaded accident and emergency, they got what they wanted.
Gina and Emily face to face.
‘Hannah Bailey.’ The paramedics rushed in an elderly lady who had collapsed with chest pain. The other staff were working on a cyclist who had been hit by a car and Emily knew that this patient was hers.
Hannah was gravely ill and Emily took the handover as she connected the chest and ECG leads and Duncan, a resident, came over and examined her.
‘Let’s get her something for her pain,’ Duncan said as he read the ECG, and ordered morphine, which Emily quickly drew up.
‘You’ll be much more comfortable soon,’ Emily said to the elderly lady, and for a little while she was.
‘My husband...’ Hannah said. ‘He’ll be worried.’
‘We’ll take care of that,’ Emily said. ‘I’ll go and speak to your daughter soon. The paramedics said she came in with you...’
Hannah nodded but even before the monitor started alarming, Duncan told Emily to call for the crash team and just as they started to arrive Hannah went into cardiac arrest.
‘What do we have?’ Gina came straight to the head of the bed and Emily didn’t even look up to acknowledge her as she was busy setting up for Gina to intubate her. As Duncan delivered cardiac massage he gave Gina his findings.
Gina and Emily had worked together for years and, more importantly, worked well together so there was little need for conversation. Emily opened up an endotracheal tube as Gina suctioned the airway and then handed it to her, and in less than a moment the tube was in.
Cardiology had arrived and were reading the ECG that Emily had run off before Hannah had gone into cardiac arrest, and Lydia had come in and taken over from Duncan and was giving chest compressions.
‘Did she have any family with her?’ Lydia asked.
‘A daughter,’ Emily said, relaying what the paramedics had told her. ‘She’s in the interview room.’
‘Could you go and speak to her, please, Emily? Let her know that things don’t look good at all.’
‘Sure,’ Emily said, though she would far rather be delivering chest compressions than going in to speak with relatives.
Emily introduced herself to the woman and found out her name was Laura and asked what had happened.
‘We were actually on our way here,’ Laura explained. ‘I’d gone to pick up Mum to take her to visit my dad—he’s a patient on ICU. Mum’s been so worried about him. We were just ten minutes away from the hospital when suddenly she said she had a pain in her chest. I didn’t know whether to just keep on driving or pull over but she started to be sick so I stopped and called an ambulance.’
‘You did the right thing,’ Emily said, and then took a breath. ‘Your mum’s condition deteriorated rapidly when she arrived,’ Emily explained. ‘She went into cardiac arrest. The doctors are with her now and she’s been intubated and they’re working on getting her heart started again.’
‘What am I going to tell my dad? They were just moving him to a general ward today, she’s been so worried about him.’ Laura started to cry. ‘This is going to kill Dad.’
‘What’s your father’s first name?’ Emily asked.
‘Ernest.’
‘Did he have surgery for bowel cancer?’ Emily asked, because she wanted to be sure she had the right patient in mind, and she was sure that she did when Laura nodded.
‘He didn’t even wa
nt to have the operation, he just did it for Mum.’
‘I remember your dad,’ Emily said. ‘I was working in Theatre when he had his operation. He was very keen to know when he’d get a cup of tea.’
Laura actually gave a small laugh. ‘That’s my dad.’ Then she started to cry again. ‘I don’t know how to tell him. I don’t know if he’s well enough to come down and see her but he’ll want to.’
‘Okay.’ Emily thought for a moment. ‘Let me go and see what’s happening with your mum and I’ll come back to you soon.’
Hannah’s heart was beating again but she was unconscious and the cardiologist was about to go in and speak to the daughter and explain that she didn’t have very long to live and that Gina was going to extubate her and let things take their natural course.
‘Her husband is a patient on ICU,’ Emily explained. ‘Apparently he’s being moved to a general ward today. Laura, the daughter, thinks he would want to see her.’
Lydia suggested that Emily telephone ICU and explain the situation, and Emily went and did just that.
Though she didn’t like to admit it, Emily was actually grateful for the time she’d spent on ICU because she did understand better how they would deal with this.
Emily spoke to Patrick, the head nurse in ICU. ‘Ernest will be shattered,’ Patrick said. ‘He’s already starting to fret that she’s not here. Hannah has been here every morning at nine.’ There was a small pause. ‘Hold on a moment, Emily, I’ll just let Hugh know what’s happening. He’s actually with him now.’
Emily waited for a few moments but instead of Patrick it was Hugh who came to the phone. Apart from a couple of texts and confirmation that they’d both attend Emily’s father’s wedding and his nephew’s christening, they had barely spoken since Cornwall but certainly the state of, or rather their lack of, relationship wasn’t the issue now. ‘Hi, Emily, it’s Hugh. Could I speak to Ernest’s daughter?’
‘Sure.’
‘What’s her name?’
‘Laura.’
Emily took the phone to Laura and waited with her as Hugh spoke to her and then the phone was handed back to Emily.
‘I’m going to tell Ernest now what’s happening,’ Hugh said. ‘I’m assuming he’ll want to see her and if so I’ll bring him down, along with one of the ICU nurses to watch him. Is there enough space?’
‘Not in Resus but I’ll sort out a cubicle for them.’
‘Thanks.’
Hugh rang off and Emily took Laura in to see her mother and left her with Lydia as she went to sort out a cubicle and organise it as best she could.
She took out the trolleys that wouldn’t be needed and then wheeled Hannah over.
‘Dad’s coming to see you,’ Laura said to her mum, and squeezed her hand. Emily just wanted to cry. Of course death happened in Theatre but Emily did her best to avoid the relative part. Here she couldn’t pass it on to anyone.
She looked up when Hugh put his head in the cubicle. ‘Is it okay to bring Ernest in?’
‘Yes.’ Emily nodded and Ernest’s trolley was wheeled in. It was heart-breaking because Ernest didn’t break down, he just kept holding his wife’s hand and kissing her face and telling her how much he loved her and what a wonderful life they’d had together.
‘How is she?’ Gina came in.
‘Comfortable,’ Emily said. ‘Though her breathing’s very rattly.’
‘I just want to have a listen to her chest,’ Gina said, and she gave Ernest a smile as she gently examined his wife. ‘I’ll get Hannah something to help make her breathing a little more comfortable.’
Beth, the ICU nurse, said she’d watch both patients and as Emily went to get the drug Gina came over and wrote Hannah up for some more morphine if needed.
To the surprise of a few onlookers Emily gave Gina a smile. ‘You’ve been off sick for a while.’
‘I’ve had the worst flu,’ Gina said.
It must have been bad because Gina had lost an awful lot of weight.
‘How come you’re in A and E?’ Gina asked.
‘Internal rotation.’
‘Oh, that sounds painful,’ Gina said, and to the ire of the onlookers Emily laughed.
Then she stopped laughing as Ernest finally broke down and the sound of his tears came from the cubicle.
Hannah had gone.
How, Emily wondered, did everyone but her seem to deal with these things? Beth was all calm and present and had her arm around Laura, Hugh was there with Ernest and Emily just felt like a spare wheel.
A spare wheel with tight lips and tears in her eyes.
‘I’m going to miss you so much,’ Ernest said, and Beth’s arm tightened around Laura as she started to break down. ‘I don’t want to go home without you being there,’ Ernest sobbed.
‘I’ll take care of you, Dad, you know that.’
And Emily stood there, wondering how everyone did it.
‘Ernest,’ Hugh finally said when his pager went off, ‘I have to go back to ICU but you stay here with Hannah as long as you need, or as long as you’re well enough.’ He glanced at Beth, who nodded.
‘I’ll stay with them,’ Beth said, to Emily’s relief, and Emily headed out at the same time as Hugh.
‘That was awful,’ she admitted, and Hugh looked at her.
‘It was nice,’ Hugh said. ‘Sad but nice that they were together.’ He glanced up as Gina joined them. ‘Hey,’ Hugh said. ‘It’s good to see you back. How are you?’
‘Better, though I don’t recommend flu as a way to diet,’ she added. ‘Are you going up to ICU?’ Gina asked Hugh, and he nodded. ‘I’ll walk with you.’
Hugh turned to Emily. ‘Thanks for all your help this morning. It was nice that they had some time together.’
It was normal.
As normal as it would have been two weeks ago.
It just didn’t feel normal now.
But then Hugh turned around.
‘Hey, Emily...’ he walked over ‘...page me when you take a lunch break. If I’m free...’
And, had they been going out, that was exactly what he’d have done.
Emily was about to make an excuse, she really didn’t want lunch with Hugh, but he spoke over her when she tried to voice one.
‘There’s something I’d like to say.’
* * *
He was free at lunchtime and they found themselves for the first time together in the hospital canteen.
‘How are you finding it?’ Hugh asked.
‘Just as I expected,’ Emily said.
‘You did really well this morning.’
‘I don’t know about that.’ Emily shrugged. ‘Ernest has gone back up to the ward now.’
‘Yep, I’m going to check in on him this afternoon.’ Hugh got to the reason he had asked her for lunch. ‘Look, I never realised how awkward it would be for you and I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I’ve heard all the rumours flying around about Gina and I and that Saturday night.’
‘I’d heard the rumours before I offered,’ Emily said. ‘They’re having a bit of a field day with it in Emergency but I was expecting that. I think they were hoping I’d scratch Gina’s eyes out.’ She gave Hugh a smile, because when they were together she so easily did. ‘It’s fun in a way.’
It was far from fun for Hugh but he was glad to see that Emily didn’t seem upset about the gossip. ‘The thing is...’ Hugh stopped and Emily frowned because the usually laid-back Hugh for once looked tense.
‘Are you okay?’ Emily checked.
‘I’ve got some things on my mind,’ Hugh admitted. ‘Can you accept that there are some things I can’t tell you?’
‘Yep.’
And that short answer was the reason he persisted with Emily. Hugh could think of few women who would n
ot ask for more information, few who would not press him to reveal when he’d said that he couldn’t.
God, they could be so good.
He watched as she gave a small wave when someone called her name and Hugh glanced over and saw Marcus, Emily’s ex, who was lunching with Heidi, who was now his wife.
‘How can you be so friendly with your ex?’ Hugh asked. ‘Olivia ducks into doorways if she sees me and then rings me up crying the same night.’
‘Is she still calling you?’ Emily said.
‘Now and then.’
‘Good God!’
‘Haven’t you ever got upset and rung an ex and begged to give it another go?’ He watched as she laughed at the very idea and a small smile played on his lips as another piece of the Emily jigsaw slotted into place.
‘Seriously, Em, when Marcus got off with Heidi, weren’t you upset?’
‘A bit at first,’ Emily admitted, ‘but then I thought about it and if Marcus was so taken with Heidi that he’d go off for a quickie in the radiology department then clearly he wasn’t the guy for me.’
‘What if Marcus had wanted a quickie with you in the radiology department?’
Emily laughed again at the very thought. ‘Then I’d be the very wrong girl for him.’
Hugh picked up a random piece of the jigsaw and decided to try and see if it fitted, if his theory about Emily was possibly correct. ‘I don’t believe you.’
‘You can believe whatever you want, Hugh.’
There was the Emily who looked him right in the eye and denied them and then there was the Emily he was sure was there beneath.
‘Why don’t we go to the on-call room now? I’ve got the key.’
‘Not a chance.’
‘Come on, Em...’ He had never spoken like this to her, but the burn on her cheeks made him push on. ‘I am so turned on...’
‘Then you’ve got a problem.’ Emily smiled.
‘Em...’ He took her hand and she went to pull back but then she remembered that to the rest of the canteen they were supposed to be more than friends. Even so, she was the least touchy-feely person she knew!
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