Pew! Pew! - Bite My Shiny Metal Pew!

by M. D. Cooper

  Triss stuck out her tongue at him, but quickly composed her face when Alissa entered the cargo bay.

  “Everyone ready?” the captain asked.

  The four crew members were all dressed in their unflattering coveralls, which concealed the stealth suits underneath. Once they got inside the main gate, they’d go from undercover to invisible.

  Jack itched above his cybernetic eye. “So… what do we do if we run into the actual groundskeepers?”

  “We wing it, of course,” Alissa replied.

  “What happened to us needing a plan for everything?” Jack cocked his head.

  Alissa smoothed the overalls bulging around her stomach. “Went out the airlock along with my dignity.”

  Jack grinned. “Just like old times!”

  Triss sighed. “Jack, we did one op together, and that was only a month ago.”

  “It left a strong impression.”

  “You need to get out more,” Alissa said with an eye-roll.

  “You never let me leave my room.”

  Alissa switched into mom-voice. “That’s because you get into trouble whenever you do. We’ve already talked about the ducting.”

  Jack looked at his feet. “Yeah…”

  “Can we all agree that Jack requires constant supervision?” Alissa questioned.

  She and the two other members of the crew raised their hands. Reluctantly, Jack raised his, as well.

  “We’ll figure out how to get Jack more supervised visits with the outside world after we’re finished with the op,” Alissa continued. “For now, the matter is closed. We all have our marching orders, so let’s go.”

  “Go team!” Jack shouted in the ensuring silence.

  His friends simply shook their heads and sighed.

  “One of these days, I’ll figure out proper social cues,” he lamented quietly.

  Triss patted his shoulder. “Just keep telling yourself that.”

  They loaded onto the shuttle, along with the fancied-up crawler that would serve as their ground transportation.

  Jack had to admit that the robot Morey did good work when it came to making a utilitarian vehicle look like something worthy of gracing the grounds of a snooty rich person’s estate. The chrome accents on the lower body frame and upper roll cage added a certain grace and elegance to the otherwise simple machine.

  Jack strapped into the passenger seating near the rear of the shuttle while Alissa and Triss assumed the two chairs in the cockpit.

  Finn, seated across from Jack, closed his eyes as if ready to take a nap.

  “Nervous?” Jack asked him.

  “Not in the slightest. Excited, more than anything. I’ve been wanting to go after this guy for some time.”

  “How do you know him?”

  “More know of him,” Finn corrected, opening his eyes. “I’m surprised that you hadn’t heard of him.”

  “I mostly lived under a rock, when it comes to social media engagement,” Jack admitted.

  “Well, Vincent Ordello was known only in certain circles rather than being someone in the public spotlight. He has a legendary ability to take over a small business and suck out every last bit of profit before tossing it aside in favor of his next venture. Lots of people have lost their livelihoods thanks to him, and his appetite for a new conquests is insatiable.”

  Jack scowled. “What kind of business was he in?”

  “A little bit of everything these days, but he started out as a butterfly farmer.”

  Jack gave that several seconds to sink in. “Did you say…?”

  “I did.”

  “So wait,” Jack leaned forward against the harnesses, “this legendarily evil business tycoon began as a butterfly farmer?”

  “Well, yes,” Finn confirmed, “but that was before the incident.”

  “Which was?”

  “No one knows. The only rumors anyone has heard involve an old man and an oxygen tank.”

  Jack crossed his arms. “Hmm.”

  “It’s a mystery.” Finn waggled his fingers. “At any rate, that incident, whatever it was, changed Vincent. He went from a peaceable butterfly farmer to a ruthless business tycoon. The latest reports say that he owns five percent of the assets in this sector.”

  “You said that like it’s a lot.”

  “It is when you consider how much there is out here. Most places, a single individual might hold a fraction of one percent. Suffice to say, this guy is powerful.”

  “That seems like a bad person for us to wrong,” Jack pointed out.

  Finn shrugged. “He’ll never know it was us.”

  “Well, if he does find out, at least we’ll go out doing what we love.”

  The other man nodded. “That is true.”

  They sat in silence for the remainder of the landing. Jack couldn’t see anything from his seat in the back, but he felt the telltale bump of the craft touching down. He unstrapped his harness, then grabbed his bag full or armaments that was disguised as a carrying container for tree trimmings.

  The three additional members of the team were soon geared up with their accessories—complete with Triss carrying a laser rifle cleverly outfitted to look like a rake—and they took seats on the crawler.

  “If anyone asks you questions, just point to me,” Alissa instructed. She started the crawler’s engine. “And for star’s sake, don’t let anyone know you’re wearing a stealth suit.”

  “Psh,” Jack scoffed, “that would be pretty dumb to go invisible right in front of someone.”

  “More ridiculous things have happened,” she countered.

  He couldn’t deny that.

  The back hatch of the shuttle opened, revealing that they had set down in a grove of trees. A rough path extended through the foliage behind them, though which Alissa directed the crawler.

  Jack was seated in the rear seat of the rig, and he watched off to the side as woodland creatures ran from the foreign hum of the vehicle’s electric engine. While he watched, a turtle with a reflective shell ambling along on the side of the path was suddenly plucked from the ground by a dark purple bird with a wingspan of two meters.

  “Holy crap! Did you see that?!” he exclaimed.

  “Birds eat slow, defenseless things, yeah,” Triss replied.

  Jack crossed his arms and slouched down in the chair. Clearly the others weren’t going to care about his nature observations.

  As such, while they continued through the woods, Jack elected to keep his sightings of more of the large birds to himself. Their unblinking eyes followed the crawler as it bumped along the rugged track, silently watching from the treetops. It wasn’t until the nearby trees were more purple than green that Jack couldn’t contain his wonder any longer.

  “That’s, uh, a lot of birds.”

  Alissa finally lifted her gaze from the path ahead. “Whoa! Yeah, it is.”

  Finn pulled his left hand, which he’d been letting hang over the side wall, into the vehicle. “Is it just me, or do they look hungry?”

  Alissa laughed. “Don’t be silly. They’re just—”

  She cut off as a bird dipped down overhead, casting a shadow across their path. A moment later, a light thump sounded on the roof as something large touched down.

  “Uh, guys…” Jack swallowed.

  Additional thumps sounded on the roof, followed by scratches and rhythmic pings as dozens of beaks began pecking at the vehicle.

  “Gun it!” Triss shouted.

  Jack reached for his bag to grab his handgun, but he lurched backward when Alissa slammed on the accelerator.

  Dark purple feathers swirled around the crawler as the birds took flight.

  “They’re going after the chrome!” Finn realized.

  “That buffing did get it really shiny,” Jack had to admit.

  “Not helpful now that birds are trying to eat us!” Triss gripped the crawler’s side frame as Alissa made a sharp turn on the path to avoid a tree.

  Deafening squawks broke the serenity of the forest as th
e birds continued pecking at the vehicle in earnest.

  “It. Is. Not. Food!” Alissa groaned through clenched teeth.

  She accelerated the crawler once more as it finally reached the end of the forest. Beyond was an open field surrounding a walled estate, which was enveloped in a shimmering, domed security field.

  “So much for a quiet arrival,” Triss said through her grimace.

  Alissa kept her attention on the course ahead. “I’ll take being in one piece over that. We can deal with the guards.”

  Jack grabbed a handhold in front of him as the crawler bounced over a rock in the field. “Morey is going to be so sad the chrome got all scuffed.”

  “That’s what you’re worried about right now?!” Finn glared at him.

  “I wouldn’t say ‘worried’, just—”

  “Shut up!” Alissa ordered.

  They were almost to the entry gate. An electrical hum filled the air, and Jack identified the sound as coming from the force field over the top of the estate.

  The birds around them hesitated, then turned back toward the forest.

  Jack released a long breath. “That wasn’t so bad.” He poked his head out the window to see that the vehicle was completely covered in bird droppings, smeared with tri-point claw marks from the birds walking around. “I mean, it could have been better.”

  “Well, it’s about to get worse.”

  Jack followed Alissa’s line of sight out the front windshield. In front of them stood half a dozen armed guards, and they looked pissed.

  Chapter Four: Invitation to Garden

  “Hey, fellas,” Alissa said with her best fake smile. “Got a little bit of a bird problem in these parts, don’t ya?”

  One of the guards stepped forward. “The birds don’t leave the trees unless they’re chasing something. What were you doing out there?”

  Alissa gave a guilty shrug. “Got a hankering for some truffles.”

  “Truffle hunting.” The guard let out a guffaw. “This time of year? And without a sniffer? Can’t imagine you found anything.”

  She chuckled awkwardly. “Yeah, silly us!”

  The guard inspected the vehicle from afar. “And what brings you over here?”

  “We’re, uh, the landscapers,” Alissa continued. She twirled a length of her dark hair around her finger. “Just thought we’d kill a little time before our shift, you know? Truffle hunting and a picnic with, uh, muffins.”

  “Muffins? On a picnic?” The guard gave her a skeptical look.

  “They really get your appetite going for truffles.”

  “Huh.” He considered the statement. “Have any more muffins?”

  Alissa glanced back at the others. They shrugged. “We… ate them all.”

  The guard drooped. “That’s too bad.” He looked them over. “Well, we weren’t expecting any new landscapers.”

  Alissa groaned loudly. “I told you to verify the appointment, Triss!”

  The other woman held up her hands. “Or you could take some responsibility and do it yourself.”

  “Don’t put this back on me!”

  “Don’t blame me every time you don’t do your job!” Triss shouted back.

  “Ladies, please!” the guard interrupted. “No need to argue. Let me check on the landscaping order. Maybe something was misplaced.”

  Triss snorted. “We’re probably not even on the right planet. Someone doesn’t know how to read an invoice.”

  Alissa pivoted toward Triss in her seat. “Really, you want to do this right now, in front of all these people?”

  “May as well.” Triss placed her hands on her hips.

  While the two woman exchanged verbal blows, the guard cast a pitying look in Jack and Finn’s direction, then mouthed, ‘Are they always like this?’

  Jack and Finn replied with slow, pained nods.

  The guard breathed out through his teeth. “Look, I’m sure the issue was on our end, no need to argue. We just don’t get a lot of visitors out this way.”

  “Oh, I wouldn’t assume anything,” Alissa said with an accusatory look in Triss’ direction.

  The guard took a step back. “Why don’t you pull around the back side of the security outbuilding and we’ll get this sorted out, okay?”

  “Fine,” Alissa said with an exasperated sigh. “At least there are still some people who try to be helpful.”

  Triss shook her head with disgust.

  Finn mouthed a ‘thank you’ to the guard as Alissa drove them through the entry gate through the four-meter-tall walls.

  The electronic hum ceased as soon as they were inside. Overhead, Jack could see the faintest glimmer of the shield keeping out the birds and whatever other would-be threats—like it had been a hindrance for them.

  He kept his cool as Alissa directed the crawler to the far side of the guard shack. The four passengers stepped out under the watchful eye of the guards.

  “Which company are you contracted through?” the lead guard asked them while consulting a holographic projection from his wrist.

  “Princess Grounds Unlimited,” Alissa replied without missing a beat.

  Next to Jack, Finn bit his lower lip to keep from laughing.

  The guard’s brow furrowed slightly, but he continued. “And what was the nature of your assignment?”

  “We’re supposed to prune the shrubs.”

  “Which ones?” the guard asked her.

  “The… shrubby ones,” Alissa said, expertly keeping a straight face.

  The guard was unfazed by her vague and evasive response. “Ah, it must have been entered as ‘King Star Stylings’ by mistake. Go ahead and get to work. I’ll update the system.”

  Finn took the opportunity to lob a tiny bundle of nanobots in the direction of the guard shack. The bots broke formation as soon as they struck the wall, working their way toward the central computer system, where they were programmed to initiate a loop of the security footage. While the team’s stealth suits would be good enough for most of the activity, lifting paintings off the wall and opening doors might otherwise give them away. Since the manor was supposed to be unoccupied, the loop should go unnoticed until well after the team had departed.

  Alissa flashed a winning smile. “Thank you so much!” She skipped back to the crawler. “Let’s get to work, team.”

  They returned to their seats, and Alissa drove them past the shack along the road toward the main manor.

  “Is there any good help left out there in the galaxy these days?” Finn whispered. “Stars! Every place we’ve been, you just tell people you’re supposed to be there and they believe you.”

  “Not complaining.” Jack shrugged.

  Alissa chuckled. “Remind me to never bother hiring security guards.”

  The entry drive curved to the left, and the manor came into view. Constructed primarily of white marble, the structure rose three stories and had artistic glass atriums cantilevered on each level, providing unobstructed views of the surrounding grounds. Grass meadows were separated by exotic flowerbeds and new tree groves. Steps from the house, a triangular pool with a pyramid-shaped fountain glistened in the afternoon sun.

  “Okay, so it’s a nice place,” Jack stated.

  Finn made a dismissive wave. “I’ve seen better.”

  Jack hadn’t—not up close and in person, anyway. He took it all in with reserved awe.

  The meandering pathways cross-crossing the estate grounds offered a fair degree of cover from the guard shack and manor, so Alissa selected one of the offshoots that would give them the most privacy. When the crawler was reasonably well hidden behind a hedge, she parked the vehicle.

  “All right, now the really tricky part begins.” Alissa hopped out of the crawler, accessory bag in hand.

  “The guards are going to see us in there with all that glass,” Finn observed, pointing toward the manor.

  Triss shook her head. “Not at this hour. The sun will be reflecting on the outside of the glass. We’ll be good until sunset.”
/>
  “And getting the bounty out of here?” Jack prompted. “You said you’d tell us once we got here.”

  “I said I’d tell you when it became relevant,” Alissa replied. “Trust me, I have it all figured out.”

  “Except the chances of this all going to plan are virtually nil,” Jack retorted.

  Alissa smiled. “So, it doesn’t matter in the first place. We’ll get to that when we get to it. Now, take off your coveralls.”

  She began stripping down, and the others followed her lead. The stealth suits appeared shimmering silver while deactivated. Relatively form-fitting, the suits offered little protection from potential weapons fire, but if the suits did their job, no one would know where to aim in the first place.

  Each of the accessory bags carried by the team members was lined with the same stealth material. They each inverted their bag and repacked it. Within five minutes, everyone was ready to go.

  Alissa took a holographic projector from their extra supplies and placed it on the roof of the crawler. As soon as she activated it, the vehicle disappeared from view.

  Jack had heard about the tech, but he’d never had access to it himself. He reached his hand out to touch the field, and it distorted where his fingertips passed through.

  “Great from a distance, but not if someone runs into it,” Alissa said.

  “We better get going before the guards decide to do their job and walk the grounds,” Triss suggested. Her composure broke, and she chuckled. “Yeah, like that’s going to happen!”

  Alissa smiled back, then pulled her suit’s hood over her head. With a ripple, she and her bag disappeared from view.

  Jack pulled up his own hood and rolled the mask over his face. He activated his suit with a touch of the wrist controls. His surroundings appeared unchanged, but he was still able to see a faint outline of his comrades thanks to a smart link between the suits.

  “This is cool,” he said into the integrated interior comm. The suit cancelled out the sound of his voice to outside listeners, routing the communication to earpieces inside the others’ head coverings.

  “Remember, the suit won’t disguise anything around you,” Alissa cautioned. “Footprints, bumping into an object—anything could give you away. You see someone, you freeze.”