by Sean Adelman
“Hey, watch out!” yelled a bicyclist on one of those sleek racing bikes zooming down the trail.
Debbie jumped out of the way just in time, but she tripped over a stray rock onto the gravel. She got to her felt and inspected herself. Both palms had deep red creases, but her right knee took the brunt of it. Her pant leg was ripped with red dots traveling down the front her shin. Holy shit, I need to be more careful. Just as Debbie had the thought of her own safety, she realized she didn’t care. She kept going only because she didn’t know what else to do. The abrasions looked worse than they felt so she wiped her hands off as well as she could and continued on her journey home.
The apartment building was mainly for graduate students with families and was probably twenty years old. Debbie’s unit was a two bedroom on the bottom floor right across from the intramural playing field. She opened the large wooden door and threw her keys and bag onto the table in the foyer while she went to the bathroom. She washed her hands several times trying to get the gravel out and in the process rubbed what was left of her skin raw. There was some gauze and tape in her medicine cabinet which she would use to cover her palms later. She noticed the pain in her right knee so she tried to remove her pants very carefully. The pants had become stuck to the newly forming scab so she had to get some scissors to cut away the pants so she could get them off.
This is gonna suck.
Debbie turned on the bath water thinking that would help soak the dried pants material so she could get it off. The water began to steam so she took the remainder of her clothes off. There was a full-length mirror on the back of the door. She looked at it as she threw her shirt and underwear on the floor. Who is that? Debbie was startled at the image of herself. She couldn’t remember the last time she had really looked at herself, especially with her clothes off. What she saw was a pale skinny woman who loosely resembled the woman she remembered. Her ribs were her most prominent feature. Her belly wasn’t just flat, it caved in so that the shadows made it look like it was just a hole in the center of her torso. Her face looked ghostly with cheekbones so prominent that the shadow almost overshadowed her chin. Nate had always loved her hair so she kept it back in a ponytail so she rarely had to look at it. The bathroom was beginning to fog so she got into the tub.
Despite her pain, Debbie enjoyed the tub, so after she got the pants material off her knee she sank into the water so that her face was all that remained above the water line. Her bath trance was interrupted by her phone. There was no one she wanted to talk to so she let it go to voice mail. The water was quickly cooling off so she got out to dry herself off.
The sun had descended significantly since her bath so the shadows were now taking over her apartment. She didn’t mind the dark, but she didn’t want to run into something and have her neighbors run down to see what was wrong. The light switch to the kitchen was right next to the bathroom so she turned it on as she walked to her bedroom with a towel wrapped around her torso. Debbie removed her towel as she looked through the drawers to find something to wear. Her clothing collection had been reduced to sweats, jeans, and a few T-shirts. The only real choice for her was black or grey. The clothes in the top of her drawer were grey so that made the decision easy. She put her phone in the front pocket of her sweats and noticed the voice mail. It was a local number so out of curiosity she decided to listen.
“This is Sam from the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society of western Washington. Our annual turkey run will be tomorrow. It’s still okay to join us for a morning of fun exercise and a great cause. If you can, please join us. Registration begins at six a.m. We look forward to seeing you there.”
Debbie used to love running which is partly why she decided on her current apartment. Now she couldn’t remember the last time she went for a run. Maybe tomorrow? A day of computer classes, a walk, a bike accident, and a bath. Now it was time for dinner. The apartment was very sparse. The only thing on the counter was the espresso machine, Nate’s espresso machine. Debbie walked over to the fridge to see what she had for choices. There was milk in the door and some containers of leftover Chinese food. Debbie couldn’t remember when she had actually ordered the Chinese food. Nothing there. After closing the door she looked in the cabinet where there was one box of cereal and a box of macaroni and cheese.
Debbie didn’t feel like cooking anything so she settled for cereal. She grabbed one of the three bowls she had in the cabinet and the milk out of the fridge. When she picked up the cereal box she noticed that it was actually practically empty.
I’m not hungry anyway. I’ll save the milk for coffee tomorrow.
Debbie looked into the cabinet one more time before giving up. The space between the bedrooms and kitchen was a small living area where she had a television and a couch. She walked over to the couch and picked up the TV remote. As she picked up the remote, it touched the part of her palm that was injured causing her to drop the remote. As the remote hit the floor, the battery door popped off and the batteries shot across the room. Debbie looked down at the remote on the floor and instead of picking it up, she walked into her room and climbed into bed with her clothes on. This is why I like sweats. I don’t need pajamas. Debbie buried her face in the pillow and slipped off into a restless sleep with nightmares of what could have been.
The morning always began with a start; some days Debbie didn’t even know where she was. Her clock showed it was only 5:30 so it was still pretty dark out. Today was just another day. She got out of bed and grabbed her phone to get a look at her calendar to see what classes she had today. Computer technology was always something she had an aptitude for, which is why she decided to return to graduate school at the University of Washington. Oh man, it’s Saturday. Most people looked forward to the weekends, but Debbie needed a task. Weekends left her too much time to think. Debbie dragged herself out of bed and felt that sensation of hunger in her stomach that she usually ignored. Feeling hunger was a normal sensation, ignoring it helped Debbie punish herself. After the funeral Debbie wanted vengeance, but her anger was blind, and she had no plan. Jason was in Colorado and she was alone.
What Debbie didn’t count on was the feeling that vengeance couldn’t erase; the feeling that she was also to blame. Since Nate’s death, Debbie had tried to punish herself by denying herself simple pleasures. Now, six months later, she was a skinny shell of her previous self. The only thing she allowed herself was coffee and despite the hunger rumbling in her stomach that is the only thing she wanted right now. She knew the layout of her apartment so well that she didn’t need the light to make it to the kitchen. Debbie went straight for the light switch. Just before turning it on, she tripped and landed straight into the wall. Shit! What the hell was that? From a crouched position she turned on the light to see what she had tripped over. Lying on the floor was her shoes and pants from the previous evening. She hadn’t bothered to move them before going to bed. She could see the hole she cut out around her knee and threw the jeans into the garbage as she walked into the kitchen that was now brightly lit.
Debbie flipped the switch to turn on the coffee machine and noticed that there were no coffee beans. Man, I’ve got at least a half hour before my coffee shop is open. She was too hyped up after falling to relax and although it was fall, it wasn’t too cold to walk to the coffee shop to give her some time. The nice thing about sleeping in your sweats was that you didn’t need to change your clothes when you went for a walk in the morning. Debbie avoided the mirror and grabbed a hat, partly to stay warm and partly so she didn’t have to brush her hair. She grabbed her shoes and headed out. A nice walk, and the coffee machine would be warm when she returned. She could decide how to spend the rest of her day not connecting with the world around her.
It was a little more brisk than she anticipated so she picked up the pace and pulled the collar of her sweatshirt up a little higher. She decided to walk the long way around the field so the shop would have time to open. As she walked around the field, she ran into a sea of people with numbers stuc
k to their chest and back. I forgot, that stupid cancer run is today. Debbie kept her head down as she waded her way through the sea of people. It was still early so most of the runners were just parking and making their way to the field where the race would start. It didn’t take much to maneuver around everyone. The extra traffic had helped her time things perfectly so she got to the shop just after it opened.
There was a small line of runners and family members outside the coffee shop so Debbie waited patiently in line. The food case was filled with great looking pastries with coffee beans just to the left of that. Debbie once again felt that all too familiar rumbling in her stomach and decided that the coffee would make that go away. The barista taking her order was way too happy for an early Saturday morning and cheerfully took Debbie’s credit card while offering a free coffee since she had purchased a pound of coffee beans. Debbie could still feel her stomach grumbling with hunger so she agreed to the drip. After signing the credit card receipt, the barista gave her the eight-ounce cup of the day’s coffee. Debbie grabbed the beans and her cup and turned so that she could put a lid on the coffee before walking home and promptly turned into a tall man who knocked the coffee from her hand spilling it all over her shoes and sweat pant leg.
“Oh my God, you idiot, look where you’re walking,” screamed Debbie at the man much louder than was needed.
The man looked down at her with a confused expression. “I’m really sorry, ma’am. I was just standing here waiting for my drink.”
The man was wearing a number on his chest and standing next to a pretty blond woman who looked to be half his size with a cheerful disposition and a stylish jogging outfit. Debbie was about to apologize to the man when she turned her attention to the woman he was with. For no good reason, her happy demeanor and cute outfit pissed her off so that she could feel herself getting angry. Just before Debbie could unleash a fresh barrage of insults at the woman’s outfit, she saw a little girl maybe eight or nine years old holding the woman’s hand. She was smiling brightly with no hair and a very round face. Debbie knew that high dose steroids as part of different cancer treatments could make you look like this little girl.
Debbie’s anger was immediately diffused as she looked at the couple and said, “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what came over me. Please forgive me.”
“No worries,” said the man.
Debbie bent down on one knee so she could look the little girl in the eye. “Hi there. My name is Debbie and I am so sorry for raising my voice at your dad here.”
“It’s okay Mom says he is a big goofy bear always running into things anyway.”
“I don’t say that, sweetheart,” said the mom with a laugh.
The tall man looked down at his two girls. “You are right. Yes, she does,” and with that the mom jokingly punched him in the arm.
“Enough of this, guys. We need to get our stuff and head to the race,” said the mom.
The family grabbed their drinks and Debbie followed them out the door. “Are you guys running in the race?”
The dad answered, “I am. These guys are going to walk the fun run.”
The little girl piped up, “Mom and I are going to walk. We raised $5000 to help kids like me.”
“Kids like you?” questioned Debbie.
“Yeah, I got cancer and they give me lots of medicine.” She pointed to a catheter that was sticking out of her shirt coming from her right upper chest wall.
It was Mom’s turn to speak up. “She has leukemia. The treatment is going well but she doesn’t have enough energy to do anything more than a little walk. Please forgive me, but we need to go find her grandparents who are walking with us.”
With that, the family crossed the street and headed off through the field while Debbie walked along the path. She felt like she had been punched in the gut. All thoughts of feeling hungry or sorry for herself had been pushed into that spot in her abdomen and were forcing her to take notice. I yelled at that family for just standing there. What kind of animal have I become? That girl could have been Lily. I am becoming the very things I detest. The punch in her gut became a painful shock and then turned into a warm feeling of resolve that coursed through her limbs as she made it back to her apartment.
The front door was unlocked as she rarely bothered with locking it these days. In less than an hour, this place had changed completely in her eyes. What moments ago was a quiet refuge was now part of a prison she had made for herself as punishment. Debbie knew she had a long way to go, but knew what she had to do next. It was time to talk with Jason. But first, she put on her running shoes and headed across the street. She knew it might be late to get in on the run, but she was at least going to try.
Debbie couldn’t remember the last time she had gone for a run. The fun run was full so they let her run the five kilometer race. At her best, that would have been a warm up. Today, it was as much as her body could handle. With her muscles sore and her lungs at capacity she even allowed herself some of the food at the end of the race before heading home.
Debbie turned on the lights as she entered her apartment tired and sweaty. She had the nerve to look at herself in the mirror. Even though she was still a shadow of her previous self, there was something that made her feel more like herself. Debbie looked in the mirror for a moment trying to decide what it was that was different. My eyes. The reality became obvious. It had been a long time since Debbie had the nerve to actually look into her own eyes. Debbie didn’t know what hope actually looked like, but she knew this is what it felt like.
After a shower, she picked up her phone. “Hey Jason, how are you doing?”
“Hey, Debbie, are you okay?”
“I haven’t been doing well, but I had a little wakeup call today and decided it’s time to join the real world again.”
“I’m glad to hear it, sis. We’ve been so busy here trying to set up the lab, and Lily’s growing up so fast you should see her.”
Debbie paused for a moment. “You know, Jason, you’re right. I need to see her. Before I come out, though, I need to finish this semester of my computer science curriculum. I don’t have to start with my internship at Amazon until January.” Debbie found it harder to get the words out than she anticipated. “Would you mind having company for Christmas?”
“We would love to have you. What’s this about Amazon?”
“I’m doing a lot of computer security programming for my graduate studies. Amazon is interested in my work so they’ve set up a sort of internship, which may turn into a job.”
“Awesome, Deb! Let me know when you have your flights set up.”
23
DENVER—2014
It’s been too long. Debbie glanced outside the airplane window for a peek at the weather. December in Denver was chilly, but at least it wasn’t snowing. In the six weeks since Debbie had met the little girl with leukemia, she had finished her classes for the semester and her Amazon internship was ready to start. More importantly, she had begun the process of forgiving herself. On the three-hour flight from Seattle, Debbie had reviewed again and again what she was going to say to Jason. She only had an overnight bag so after departing the plane she walked directly to the pickup area where Jason was waiting. The bag got lighter as she saw Lily run toward her. Man, she is growing fast. Lily and gave her a huge hug. Lily was just tall enough that her hug was just above Debbie’s waist so she set down her bag and bent down so she could return the hug. The goosebumps were gone, replaced with tears. Nothing like a great hug to warm you up from the inside.
Jason stood at the curb and watched as Lily hugged Debbie. He had worried about his sister-in-law since Nate’s funeral. She had only called once, twice if you counted the recent call to come visit. She was thinner, but still looked like the old Debbie. She was crying. That’s a new one. Jason wasn’t sure he’d seen her cry before.
“Hey Deb, is that your only bag?” Jason stepped forward to take her bag.
Debbie released Lily from the hug. “I got it, Jason, thank
s. Let’s go to your new place. Oh, where’s Judy?”
“Judy’s going to meet us at the condo. We got a pullout bed so you can stay with us. She’s getting everything ready. I told her you wouldn’t care, but she hasn’t seen you in a long time and wants to make it nice for you.”
Jason opened the hatch on the Subaru so Debbie could throw her bag in and get in the passenger seat. Lily reluctantly got into the backseat giving Jason her best pout face, except that when he checked the rear view mirror, it looked more like she’d just eaten a lemon. Jason couldn’t help but laugh at her attempt to be mad. After laughing at Lily, Jason adjusted the rear view mirror several more times in addition to looking over his shoulder before pulling out.
Debbie asked Jason, “Everything okay? Not much traffic today, but you look like you’re trying to pull out onto a rush hour freeway.”
“Nah, everything’s actually okay. We’re just still paranoid after the crazy trip up here. Nobody’s bugged us since we made it here, but this is the first time I’ve been to the airport. Just something about coming to the airport made me paranoid.”
“I guess I can understand that. I thought your benefactor was helping with security, at least that’s what he told me when I spoke with him in the spring.”
“He and his daughter are great. His security guy helped a lot; they even had someone patrol our condo for a month or so in addition to a personal security system. We haven’t used credit cards or contacted anyone other than you since this all started.”
“I can’t wait to meet them either.”
“That’s part of the plan. We’re doing Christmas dinner at their place.”
The airport security guy was waving at Jason to move so he pulled out into traffic for the ride home. There was still snow on the ground, but the streets were clear and the mountains were beautiful. Jason was glad it was a nice day for her arrival. Lily was literally bouncing in the backseat wanting to talk with Debbie.