“I have no choice but to see him.”
Moid simply kept staring at Lawrence, until he finally managed to nod. He could understand that this wasn’t a simple situation. Lawrence wasn’t a mercenary after all, he shouldn’t be doing anything like this.
“Would you like me to send someone with you?”
Moid couldn’t resist making a kind offer, but Lawrence shook his head.
“We’re leaving right away. We’ll head southeast, through the cattle lots. I’d imagine some of our old friends are doing the same, so we’ll linger awhile in those fields. Please.. if you can make it..”
He spoke like he was actually talking to a friend, with a tone like he might actually miss Lawrence. It compelled Lawrence to nod resolutely and ask the question he needed to ask.
“How dangerous is it out there right now?”
“Not as bad as it normally is before a war; no robbing or killing just yet. But then, Diva’s sure to be keeping an eye on things, so I strongly recommend that you don’t go.”
There wasn’t any wall around the town, so leaving wasn’t all that difficult. That’s why Moid was so calm right now - he was probably quite familiar with running from cities, even when they had walls. Even the young man next to him just calmly looked outside and mentioned there was a fire burning.
“Thank you for watching over me.”
That was the customary line a traveling merchant like Lawrence should say.
“I look forward to doing so again.”
Moid gave a sincere response.
“Then I’ll have to make you work hard yet again.”
With that they wished Lawrence the best of luck and quietly parted ways. He looked down on the street from his window and noticed just how strange things were outside. Just like the past few days, people were drinking and dancing, but it felt somehow deflated right now. It wasn’t like someone had thrown rotten fruit on everyone, but it still felt hostile.
Clearly, Diva’s power had just been handed away. New kingdoms supplanted the old ones, and once the old one collapsed the people from it could be killed at any second. It would be surprising to hear that a new king just let the old government leave peaceably, because it was a situation that usually called for blood. However, it wasn’t quite so simple when it came to companies.
Companies knew everything about their business, and kept friends everywhere. They weren’t built in a day, and someone like the owner of Diva company was a revered figure. Even Hildir would be viewed as an elite, and he wouldn’t just wind up dead. Not without being tricked into making a move that left his belly open for a slicing. Lawrence had seen his fair share of such public executions.
He didn’t feel any eyes upon him as he looked outside, but then he wasn’t Holo. He didn’t really have a sixth sense for that kind of thing. In fact, he didn’t really have anywhere to go, period. All he could do was stay in his room now. If he had to talk to Hildir, he should wait for him rather than making a foolish move.
Things seemed quite dire, so he couldn’t stay for too long. Even if Holo wasn’t at his side, he just had to leave messages for her everywhere and she would find him before too long. Before that, he had to meet Hildir. Not to talk about some kind of counter attack - he wasn’t strong or wise enough for something like that. But he had to convince Hildir to flee, rather than being brash.
Hildir might be loyal to Diva, but in a sense he was a kin to Holo. On an emotional level, Lawrence shared his desire to bring peace and stability to this land, so he wanted to help him in any way he could. Hildir could fight for his dream, but if no one joined him then they couldn’t bear any fruit. Lawrence wanted him to see that day.
He had no desire for Holo to see yet another point of light from her past vanish. In fact that was even more important to him. Just as he realized that, he heard shuffling noises downstairs. The Myuri mercenaries had booked the entire inn. The owners and workers would all have gone home for the night, along with the mercenaries themselves. No one should be here.
Of course that could only mean one thing: someone had broken in. Lawrence straightened his sleeves and coughed. He felt for the dagger on his belt and slowly crept out of his room. It felt cold in the barren inn, which really hit home for him. He could finally appreciate just how much people warmed up a building.
His eyes were too accustomed to the dark to risk using a candle, so he went downstairs keeping his footsteps in sync with his heartbeats. As he came up to the bar on the first floor he saw a sliver of light peeking out from down the corridor leading to the back door. Given that the mercenaries wouldn’t have been so careless as to leave it unlocked, he stood there until he noticed a white body moving around.
“Mr. Hildir?”
There was a doorless shed just outside, next to the back door. As Lawrence softly called out, a rabbit appeared.. but not a white one. Not with that gash in his right shoulder, or the front paw that looked like it had been soaked in red dye. It was obvious what that meant.
“Mr. Hildir.. are you alright?”
“Well.. I’m not dead yet.”
Lawrence did his best to smile at the rabbit.
“What’s the situation?”
Hildir’s ears shifted at the question and he spoke with a tone not befitting a wounded man.
“There’s no time to fill you in on everything, so we’ll have to stick to the main points.”
That meant he was being pursued.
“The radicals seized power, and forced us to sign over control to them. My master and I are powerless now. Our only saving grace is that they know it’ll be too hard to run the company without us, so they aren’t likely to kill us.”
Lawrence had anticipated that, and also his next words.
“So I’m not giving up.”
With that he turned his body around and walked on his wounded paw back to the shed. Upon returning he had a letter in his mouth.
“Ms. Holo may still retrieve the book, so I can’t give up.”
“..What’s your plan?”
Lawrence kept it simple. Diva was immensely wealthy, to the point where their resources would never be exhausted. Bargaining with them was impossible, even with Holo’s help. Especially when nearly every noble in the area supported them. It wasn’t a fight that they could win.
“Leave this place and go northeast to a town called Sovereign.”
Lawrence got the impression that Myuri had mentioned that name before.
“It’s one of several towns moving against Diva company. They deal in fur and amber, and will also want to stop this. It’s a strategically important town, so it’s likely that all our enemies will be gathering there.”
He nudged the letter to Lawrence with his nose.
“Please send this to them. It is a request for their help in stopping these radicals.”
He was surely thinking of that old line: the enemy of my enemy is my friend.
“Should anything unexpected happen, my bird friend will meet us in Sovereign. That was our plan, so he’ll also lead Ms. Holo there. Oh, yes, and that other letter..”
Hildir looked up at Lawrence to explain the second letter Lawrence was studying.
“There’s a baron to the north of Sovereign who isn’t fond of Diva company. He’s pretty much the only one against us around here, on account of not wanting to help anyone who will ruin the land. If you tell him that the radicals in our company will do just that, he may finally take a stand and fight.”
Indeed, a person who was able to stand up to such a company would be a powerful ally. This was clearly a good strategy to take. And yet, Hildir still struggled to smile to show how clearly he didn’t want to give up. Even if it was a waste of energy.
“Please Mr. Lawrence.. Take this letter to Sovereign and fight against these radicals with Ms. Holo.”
His right paw was injured, so he was leaning forward awkwardly. His appearance was suddenly so frightful that Lawrence couldn’t help but step back, like he was looking at a dead spirit that was
caught between worlds. It was obvious what really had to be done. Merchants were all aware of the wisdom of biding their time until the tables could be turned.
And yet, Lawrence couldn’t bring himself to say it. Not to someone who was so resolved. Trying to convince someone so resolved to die with that wisdom was the height of naivete. Hildir was standing as firmly as he could, staring death right in the eyes. There was simply no way Lawrence could accept these letters. This wasn’t some children’s fable, he simply wasn’t the right man for such a responsibility.
“Mr. Lawrence.”
Hildir finally called out to the frozen man before him. Lawrence finally gasped and looked back, only to see a poker face staring back up at him.
“You’re about to give up, aren’t you?”
There was no way that Lawrence could have kept his doubts from being written plainly on his face. And yet, Hildir kept pressing him.
“We have had many such problems in the past, but survived all of them. This one, too, can be survived.. it’s just..”
Hildir glanced over at the blood clotting on his shoulder. It looked like his white fur had broken out in a rash.
“..a bit worse.”
It wasn’t as if Lawrence and Holo had an easy trip so far. Others who knew their story would also know they had faced many difficulties where they could have given up, but hadn’t. They could have died long ago, or ended up as galley slaves, had they been just a little less fortunate.
Wasn’t it horribly unfair of Hildir to hoist this on someone like Lawrence and expect them to be confident? Hildir was the main character in this story, and had won his contests and had his successes. Someone like him could afford to think they couldn’t lose. It surely came naturally to them. But not someone like Lawrence, who knew how bad the situation really was.
Lawrence had no choice but to be objective. Hildir couldn’t even stand anymore. He was the only one who could delude himself into thinking that the goddess of luck still stood beside him. Despite that, Hildir still stared at Lawrence, who was at a loss for what to say and could only avert his eyes.
“I’ve made my choice to stand with Diva company. I won’t betray them, no matter what happens. That may make me an idiot, but I can live with that.”
It pierced Lawrence’s heart to hear that, but even though he raised his hand to stop Hildir, he fearlessly continued.
“I thought I knew how painful it was to live such a long life. It felt just like wasting time, and if I chose to not trust anyone, I only ended up living in my own little world all alone. Surely you understand, Mr. Lawrence, because that’s why Ms. Holo has been with you as a human..”
“Please.. stop.”
Lawrence repeated himself to stop Hildir.
“You’re the type that can never be satisfied. Just like Holo and I.. just as trapped.”
Lawrence knew it was true, but at least Holo knew when to give up. He had wanted to praise her dearly for that. Being able to let go was crucial, and not just when one lost. You had to leave something behind to move forward. Did Hildir not understand that? He just stared at Lawrence.
“I’m counting on you to deliver those letters.”
He began walking away, and Lawrence froze. He somehow managed to reply.
“I refuse.”
Only then did Hildir pause. Still, he only did so briefly before continuing. His body was terribly weak now, and he had no companions to turn to. No one else to deliver these letters to Sovereign. His body vanished through the crack in the door, which then closed. All that remained was dead silence and two letters.
What could Lawrence do? The situation wouldn’t change if he delivered these letters. Diva might even kill him now. Delivering them just wasn’t possible right now. He shook his head in a bid to calm himself, but all he could think about was what was in it for him if he delivered these letters versus what he stood to lose.
That was really the only way he could calm himself. He had to. If Sovereign was the only place that could stand up to Diva, then others were probably just too scared to stand up to them. That would be what Diva feared the most. If Hildir was right and Sovereign could delay them even for a moment, it was another moment for them to make a move. If that proved enough to balance the scales of war, then Sovereign might become their ally.
All of these assumptions stuck out as wide-eyed dreams. Hildir’s dream, and that of the Diva company, was effectively over. Their hard-won utopia had just been trampled under the feet of the soldiers outside. Lawrence felt nothing but pain from that realization. He knew it was a dream that couldn’t exist in the real world, but for someone who dreamed of that to lose so horribly was too much for him, especially after having been so close to achieving his own dream of opening a shop.
Only fools kept struggling in vain when the situation became hopeless. Nothing was worth more than one’s life. That was why Lawrence stood there with his fists balled up, and left the letters behind. Even if their bargain for the book had failed, he could still join Myuri and his band and live to see another day. It was the only real choice he had.
He could live with the blisters on his body, but not leaping directly into the fire. Sure, the banned book might salvage the situation, but the risk being foisted on him and his companions was so vast that taking the letters was an utterly irrational thing for him to do. Even Holo would agree. He could only abandon the impossibilities and live on to fight another day. That was his only choice.
And yet, every single step he took from the letters weighed on him until he could no longer walk away. It was obvious why, since to him doing nothing was the same as wasting time. To him, trusting no one meant living alone. To him, his dream of owning a shop was because he wanted a place to belong. He wanted it so badly there was no way he could walk away as long as there was something he could do.. no matter how insignificant it was.
If he could build something that would outlast him, and have someone succeed him to take care of it, then his life would have been worthwhile. That all required so much luck that Lawrence knew the value of having friends he could trust. For Hildir to turn to him specifically after losing all of his friends.. for a rabbit with nowhere to go to appeal to Lawrence’s emotions like this.. it was just too damn cunning. How dare he tell Lawrence that he was the lucky one?
“You bastard!!”
Lawrence yelled out at the invisible hands of Hildir clawing him back to the letters. He knew that if he didn’t have this damn heart beating inside him for others that he would have been a successful merchant long ago. He forced himself up to his room, and made sure his things were packed. He had to keep his mind off of things. He had to give up this time. He had to keep warning himself not to do it.
“I can’t go on following every single soul that wants to jump into hell.”
Hildir’s dream had cost him his life. It was the same fate that Lawrence and Holo had only managed to escape by a hair’s breadth. They had always managed to come out on top. He couldn’t just listen to the cries of the supporting actors on this stage. He was a merchant. He knew what lay ahead of him the moment he stopping thinking about things in terms of profit and loss. That’s what he kept warning himself about over and over right now, until his bags were packed and he was set to leave. But the moment his hand touched the doorknob..
“Oh, what’s this?”
That voice sounded really drunk. That alone was nothing strange so far for this town, but what followed..
“Hey.. this is great!”
“What a find! Looks like God’s giving us a break!”
“This is quite the rabbit..”
Lawrence’s hair stood on-end.
“Ah, it’s pretty cut up.. wonder if it escaped from a kitchen?”
“Nah, no one’s here. Let’s just take it.”
“Yeah, I guess- hey, it’s still alive!”
Lawrence couldn’t keep himself from dropping his bags and rushing out. He flew down the corridor and past the bar and stairwell. He flung open the door th
at Hildir had closed and looked around madly. There he spotted two drunks, staring down at the ground and nudging Hildir with their feet.
“Hey now, don’t try to run!”
“Damn.. Looks like his head’s been bashed..”
“Oh? Well.. let’s finish the job.”
Just as one of the drunks lifted his foot, Lawrence shouted.
“Wait!”
His voice rang out even more loudly in the midnight air, and they quickly spotted him.
“Hang on!”
“Huh?”
“That rabbit..”
He pointed and Hildir and ran up to them, staring at their feet. They alternated their glances at the dying rabbit and Lawrence.
“What, you wanna take it from us?”
Their voices made it clear that they were drunk enough to spoil for a fight. Lawrence was out of time, though; guards had heard the commotion and were on their way. If they were the ones looking for Hildir, it was all over.
“No, no.. this little guy’s my supper, but he managed to flee the kitchen. I’ve been looking for him, so thanks for finding him.”
It wasn’t his dagger that he pulled out, but two silver coins. The drunken men each took a Trenni silver coin - each worth a basket of rabbits - and stared at them wordlessly before quickly walking away. They knew how much they had been paid.
“Ah, sorry then, I didn’t know it was yours.”
“Yeah, we’re sure glad we found its owner!”
They clearly knew that the man paying them off wasn’t to be trifled with if he gave them two Trenni to give him a rabbit. They couldn’t afford the problems that might come up later, so they quickly fled the scene. Lawrence watched them leave before he turned to Hildir. The rabbit just lay there, covered in wounds, clearly at death’s door. Perhaps he was already beyond help.
Had his friends fled out of fear, or had he been betrayed? Lawrence had no idea, but clearly he really had no friends left, if he was dying on the ground and being kicked by two random drunks. He had helped scheme up a new vision for the future, one without the greedy and conniving, and was still fighting for it now. He had jumped into that dream, and it hadn’t come true. It was a complete failure.
Spice & Wolf XVI (DWT) Page 5