A Reason to Stay

by Melissa Ellen

  I pulled her into a tight embrace as she threw her arms around me, sobbing into my neck. “Ems, what’s wrong? What happened?” Her crying kept her from responding as she sobbed uncontrollably.

  “We need to go, Ava,” Rhett said, putting his arm around both of us, guiding us to a town car waiting in the alley. He helped us both in the back seat, sliding in behind us. I sat between Emily and Rhett, holding Emily in my arms as she continued to cry. Rhett had a firm hand on my thigh as I tried soothing my sister and get information out of her.

  “Has something happened to Jackson?”

  She shook her head, trying to speak. The panic and frustration continued to build when I couldn’t figure out what had happened.

  “Rhett, what the hell is going on? Why are you here?” I angrily demanded answers.

  “I don’t know all the details, Ava.”

  “Well, you know something. Tell me what you do know.” He sighed heavily, appearing tired and worn. I realized he probably got woken in the middle of the night to make the trip from Boston to New York.

  “Jackson called me a few hours ago. He was in a panic. He couldn’t get a hold of you or Emily, so he called me. He knew I would know where you were and be able to get to you…,” he paused, studying my eyes, searching for how to deliver the words he needed to.

  “It’s Daddy.” Emily finally managed through her sobs. I felt my heart drop as my lungs struggled to breathe.

  “What? What happened to Dad? Is he okay?” I asked, turning back to Emily. Emily just shook her head, starting another round of trembling and fits of tears. Rhett gently rotated my face to him.

  “He’s in the hospital, Ava. That’s all I know. We’re headed to the hospital in New Haven where he was transported by life flight. Jackson is driving your Mom now.”

  Life flight. This had to be bad. I felt helpless. I needed more details. I pulled out my phone, trying to call my mom and Jackson. Both of their phones went to voicemail.

  “Ava, there’s nothing you can do right now. You and Emily should rest during the drive,” Rhett soothed, tucking me into his side, causing a domino effect as I pulled Emily with me. Emily’s crying started to cease as she took deep breaths.

  “I’m sorry, Ava.” She finally managed to say through her struggled breathing. I hugged her shoulder tighter not sure why she would possibly be apologizing to me.

  “Shhh,” I whispered softly. “Let’s just sleep.”

  She closed her eyes. I looked up at Rhett, tears of worry building in my own eyes. I don’t know how I was managing to be so strong for my sister, but I had a feeling it had a lot to do with the man sitting beside me

  He gave me a soft, sympathetic look before kissing the top of my head. I laid my head against his chest and closed my eyes as the car pulled onto the interstate, heading towards New Haven.

  CHAPTER 17

  I awoke a few hours later to Rhett’s soft voice and fingers stroking my hair. “We’re here, beautiful. Wake up.”

  I lifted my head, rubbing my eyes and stretching my legs in front of me while Emily shifted to get out of the car. Rhett gave me a reassuring look as he opened the other door. Standing outside of the car, he offered his hand to me, helping me stand on shaky legs. He tucked me into his side, walking me towards the hospital entrance where Emily had already made her way into Jackson’s arms. I didn’t see my mother, so I assumed she was at my father’s side.

  The four of us silently walked through the bright, stark hospital, our heels clicking and echoing on the sterile tile as we went. The closer we neared to my father’s room, my anxiety built - my heart beating faster, my breaths shorter. Rhett squeezed my clammy hand tighter, trying to calm me. I hated hospitals. I never had a good reason to hate them. Just something about them unnerved me. Despite being a place of healing, they gave me the opposite feeling.

  As we walked, Jackson informed us that he was in intensive care, but was doing much better. If he kept making progress, they would move him into a private room. He would have to stay in the hospital for at least a couple days.

  “What happened Jackson?” I asked, still not knowing how my father ended up in the hospital.

  Jackson didn’t answer me. Instead, he looked down at Emily with a questioning expression, who slowly shook her head. His face morphed to concern, and she looked away from him, avoiding his stare.

  Before I could press further what the hell was going on, we reached my father’s room. Mom saw our approach. She squeezed Dad’s hand before releasing it to greet us outside the room. Emily ran to my mom first, hugging her, both crying softly. Mom kissed her head before releasing her.

  She looked at me with tears of concern in her eyes. “Ava, honey,” she reached her hand out to me.

  I stood frozen by Rhett’s side, looking at my mom, trying to process everything. Rhett squeezed my hand and then released it, nudging me towards her. I stepped slowly forward as Mom took me in her arms. “Ava, let’s sit down and talk.”

  I didn’t want to sit. I didn’t know what was going on, but I knew everyone had been stalling to tell me. Anger took root as I realized there was a secret my family had and wasn’t telling me. “I don’t want to sit,” I clipped, jerking from her hold like a petulant child. “What’s happening?”

  My heart was beating faster now as irritation, fear and panic all whirled violently inside me. “Honey…,” she paused, trying to find the words. “I’m so sorry we didn’t tell you before. He made us promise not to.”

  “Tell me what?” I asked the words ringing in my ears as tears welled in my eyes.

  “Honey, your father has cancer.”

  I didn’t know how to respond. I wasn’t even sure I heard her right. I looked through the hospital glass where my father lay asleep. Tubes ran from his body to the hospital machines making a slow, steady beep. Other than the environment around him, he looked so normal lying there.

  My body started to shake, my legs weakening. I felt my body give, when Rhett’s arms caught me. He moved me to a bench, holding me close as my mom sat on the other side of me, wrapping her arms around me. I remained there, silently bawling into Rhett’s shirt, trying to process everything she’d just said.

  “I don’t understand,” I finally managed through my tears. “How long have you known?” My mom looked away, struggling with the guilt inside her, not wanting to say. “How long have you known?” I asked again through gritted teeth, tears rolling down my cheeks.

  “A few weeks before Thanksgiving,” Emily interrupted. Her words were like a slap in the face. How could they have known all this time and not tell me? I moved from my mother and Rhett’s grasp, needing to put distance between my deceitful family and me. I was losing control. The anger and hurt boiling over.

  “How the hell could you not tell me?” I yelled at them. “Were you ever planning on telling me?” I looked at my sister and mom in disbelief.

  “Ava, keep your voice down, honey.” Mom tried to calm me.

  “No! No! You don’t get to tell me that.” I pointed at her with disbelief. “Why? Why would you not tell me?” I asked, pleading for answers while losing the strength in my voice.

  Mom lowered her head, looking down at the floor between her legs, gathering courage to answer me. “I wanted to tell you as soon as we found out, but your father asked us not to. He wanted you to focus on finishing school. He knew if you found out, you would want to come home. He’s so proud of you, Ava. Of what you’ve accomplished on your own. He didn’t want to get in the way of your dreams. I really am sorry, honey.”

  Mom stood, slowly approaching me, looking defeated and tired. I knew I was being selfish. She had been dealing with this for months, and I hadn’t been there to help. I took a deep breath, allowing her to hug me again as I silently cried in her arms.

  “He’s going to be okay though, right?” I asked like a naive child. She leaned back, avoiding my eyes while stroking my hair like I was a small girl again. I saw the answer in her eyes before she said the words.

&n
bsp; “No, honey. By the time we found out, the cancer had already spread from his prostate.”

  “But…there are surgeries and chemo and radiation and all that stuff, right? You guys have been trying all of it, right? We can fight it,” I argued with useless determination. Mom looked down sadly, shaking her head.

  “Ava, he chose not to do those things. After finding out how aggressive the cancer was, he just didn’t see the point of feeling sick from all the treatments. You know how hard headed your father is… he decided to live out his days without the help of doctors.”

  “How could you let him do that? You should have made him, Mom.”

  She let out a small humorless laugh. “I think we both know your father is a stubborn old man and there was no way I could make him do anything he didn’t want to. It’s his choice, Ava. And we all have to accept that, even if we don’t like it or agree with it,” she pleaded with me to understand.

  I knew she was right, but I didn’t want to accept it. I couldn’t accept any of the decisions he was making. I was angry and hurt. “How long does he have?”

  “The doctors say best case scenario, maybe another year. Worst case…” she trailed off not being able to bring herself to say the words. It didn’t matter worse case. Anything less than many long, healthy years was worst case scenario.

  “Mom,” Emily interrupted, “He’s awake.” My mom gave Emily a soft nod before turning back at me.

  “You go, Ava. You should see him first,” she rubbed my shoulder. I shook my head at her, not wanting to move. I wasn’t ready to see him. I wasn’t ready to face him.

  “Ava,” Rhett soothed. “Go see your father. We’ll all be right here,” he reassured me, knowing I needed the emotional support.

  I nodded before slowly moving towards the door of the room. I stopped short in the frame, staring at the feeble man before me. He still looked like the brave man I had always known, but for the first time I could see the pain he had been carrying.

  “Come here, sweetheart,” he reached out to me, his voice scratchy.

  My feet moved me to the bedside without thought. I took a seat in the chair next to him where Mom had been sitting when we arrived. I placed my hand in his. He gave it a light squeeze. I squeezed back, wrapping my other hand around his.

  Silent tears started to stream down my face as I looked into his eyes. I was surprised to still see the life in them that I remembered. I don’t know why I expected anything different. He was still here with me, for now.

  “How are you sweetie?” he asked concerned as the forever caring father. He was more worried about me when he was the one lying in the hospital bed dying. The thought of it all made the tears fall harder and the painful crying take over. He tugged me onto the bed, draping his arms around me as I snuggled into his chest, sobbing like I had done so many times as a little girl.

  “I-I’m so…so…an-angry with you,” I choked out through my cries.

  “I know, baby girl,” he soothed as he stroked my hair. “I know.”

  “Why would you not let me choose to be with you? You should have let me choose.” I let all my angry questions fall on him. I pulled away from his grasp, sitting up to look at him. “You may have the right to choose not to fight. But my time with you should have been my choice,” I reprimanded through my tears.

  “I know, honey. I know. I’m sorry, I hurt you,” he apologized. I threw myself back onto his chest and into his arms. I accepted his apology, but the anger and hurt were still running through my veins. I lay there crying in his arms as he soothed me with his shushing and gentle hands stroking my hair. “I love you, baby girl. You’re going to be okay,” he reassured me.

  I didn’t know if I would be okay. I knew he needed to think that in order to get through this, so I wouldn’t tell him any different. Once my crying had ceased, Emily stepped into the room to take her turn spending time with my father.

  I sat up, looking him in the eyes one more time, telling him I loved him. We squeezed each other’s hands as I moved from the bed to allow Emily to take my place. Rhett was waiting for me in the doorway, taking me into his arms as he guided me to the waiting area. Mom was already in the waiting room drinking coffee, staring into space, lost in her thoughts. Jackson had stayed outside of Dad’s room to wait for Emily.

  I took a seat next to Mom, grabbing her hand in mine as Rhett left to get us both some coffee and make a few calls. We all sat there in silence with nothing left to say, nothing to do but wait. Wait for what, I’m not even sure. After what seemed like forever, Emily and Jackson joined us in the waiting room, letting us know Dad had fallen back to sleep.

  She hugged Mom before taking a seat with us. The three of us sat quietly. Emily on one side and me on the other, each holding one of Mom’s hands. Jackson and Rhett stood off in the corner of the room, talking in hushed voices, leaving us to our thoughts.

  After a while, Rhett and Jackson walked over to us, breaking the silence. “Ava, we should try to get some rest while your father sleeps. I’ve reserved a couple rooms at a hotel close by.”

  “I’m not leaving.”

  “Ava, honey, Rhett’s right. You four go and get some sleep. I’ll stay here with your father. I’ll call and let you know if anything changes,” Mom added.

  I looked at her, wanting to argue. I didn’t want to miss another minute of spending time with him after finding out so much time had already been stolen from me, but the exhaustion of the weekend and the emotional roller coaster of the night had made me too weak to argue. I nodded my agreement and gave her a hug, telling her I loved her before taking Rhett’s hand.

  Emily didn’t bother putting up a fight. Of course she’d had more months to cope with the news. She gave my mom a hug, saying we would be back soon and then took Jackson’s hand as he led the way out of the hospital to his car.

  As we stepped outside, the sun started to appear above the horizon, creating a beautiful sunrise. The sight of its beauty should have inspired a sense of hope in me, but it didn’t. There was no hope. All hope had been taken from me in a matter of minutes and all I felt was bitter resentment towards the stupid sunrise.

  I resented the fact that it tried to make the world feel like a beautiful, cheerful place when all I felt was darkness and despair. The world had defeated the bravest and strongest man I had ever known. He was being taken from me. Ripped from my life, and I couldn’t feel anything except anger.

  The car ride to the hotel was quiet. Rhett and Jackson checked us into our rooms as Emily and I stood holding each other for strength. The guys approached, separating us. As Emily left with Jackson to their room, I went with Rhett.

  I numbly walked through the hotel with Rhett’s support. My legs somehow trudging along while my mind was blank. Rhett didn’t say anything, knowing I needed time to be in my thoughts - that nothing he could say would make this better.

  When we entered the room, he released me to lock the door behind us. I stood at the bed unmoving. He stood at the door staring at me. I assumed trying to figure out what to do with me in my mindless state. I offered him no guidance.

  After moments of neither of us moving or saying anything, he approached me slowly. He slid his hands to the back of my dress, slowly unzipping it. He lowered his hands to the hem of the dress, lifting it over my body before disposing of it on the floor. He knelt down, tapping each of my feet for me to lift them as he removed my heels.

  He picked me up in his arms, taking me to the bathroom, where he sat my lifeless body on the toilet lid. I watched him as he turned on the shower and stripped out of his clothes until he was naked. He knelt down, removing my bra and then my panties.

  He lifted me into his arms again, stepping into the shower. The warm spray of the shower massaged my back as he held me in his arms.

  “Can you stand for me, babe?” he asked softly. I nodded. He slowly released his hold on me as my feet touched the tile floor of the shower.

  I stood there like a rag doll as he began to wash my hair and bo
dy, his touch slowly thawing my frozen heart and un-numbing my mind. I watched the water trickle down his lean masculine body, making me itch to touch him and feel his skin beneath my hands. He began to wash his own hair and as he did so, I raised my hands, bringing them to his muscular chest, slowly dragging them down towards his abs. I felt him come alive on my thigh.

  His head lowered, looking into my eyes, trying to read my thoughts. I stood there, looking up at him, feeling conflicting emotions of hurt and desire. He leaned down, his lips kissing me softly. Gently. Cautiously. He continued his sweet delicate kisses, taking his time.

  Impatience and anger swallowed me. I didn’t want cautious or gentle. I forcefully pulled him to my lips, deepening our connection. Demanding he take me. Always in tune with my body, he didn’t refuse it. He lifted me into his arms, pressing my back against the cold tile wall as our kiss turned intense and desperate.

  He pulled back, breaking our kiss as he held me in his arms, our chests heaving. I greedily tried pulling his face back to mine, angered by the loss of his mouth. He stopped me, looking into my eyes. I could see the question on his face. He needed to know this was what I wanted.

  I did. I didn’t just want it, I needed it. Seeing the answer in my eyes, he melded his lips with mine once again before slamming his hard length into me, taking me rough and fast as I whimpered and moaned my satisfaction.

  The anger and pain lifted as the orgasm rolled through my body, releasing all the tension I was feeling. He moaned his release with mine before pulling us both down to the shower floor. He held me in his lap, cocooning me in his strong arms as the water poured over us.

  I don’t know how long we were sitting there, holding each other before he kissed me on the forehead, telling me to stand. He shut off the water and grabbed two towels. He wrapped me in the first one before drying himself off. I remained motionless, watching him until he started to help dry my body. He hung both towels up and then lifted my naked body back into his arms where he carried me to the bed.