The Memory Wall

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The Memory Wall Page 1

by Lev AC Rosen




  Also by Lev AC Rosen

  Woundabout (with Ellis Rosen)

  For Adults

  Depth

  All Men of Genius

  THIS IS A BORZOI BOOK PUBLISHED BY ALFRED A. KNOPF

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

  Text copyright © 2016 by Lev AC Rosen

  Cover art copyright © 2016 by Julie McLaughlin

  All rights reserved. Published in the United States by Alfred A. Knopf, an imprint of Random House Children’s Books,

  a division of Penguin Random House LLC, New York.

  Knopf, Borzoi Books, and the colophon are registered trademarks of Penguin Random House LLC.

  Visit us on the Web! randomhousekids.com

  Educators and librarians, for a variety of teaching tools, visit us at RHTeachersLibrarians.com

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available upon request.

  ISBN 9781101933237 (trade)

  ISBN 9781101933244 (lib. bdg.)

  Ebook ISBN 9781101933251

  Random House Children’s Books supports the First Amendment and celebrates the right to read.

  v4.1

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  Contents

  Cover

  Also by Lev AC Rosen

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Dedication

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Chapter Twenty-one

  Chapter Twenty-two

  Chapter Twenty-three

  Chapter Twenty-four

  Chapter Twenty-five

  Chapter Twenty-six

  Chapter Twenty-seven

  Acknowledgments

  For my brother.

  THE GAME comes out the day we’re taking Mom to the home.

  Nick had laughed when he realized that a few weeks ago, when they’d picked a “check-in date” for the home, like it was some sort of hotel. He didn’t know why he laughed—he was just sitting at the table, reading one of his game magazines, and he’d noticed the release date in an ad, and that was the first time he’d realized it, and he’d laughed. Mom and Dad had looked at him, confused, but hadn’t asked anything. Mom had even smiled. She didn’t know it wasn’t a happy laugh.

  Nick thinks now he probably shouldn’t have ordered the game with release-day shipping, but they hadn’t known then—or at least he hadn’t known—that Mom would be going to a home. And he hadn’t known it would be today. He sees the yellow padded envelope on top of the pile of mail in the hall and he knows he should walk by it, that today is Serious and Dad is going to get upset, but then he thinks, Screw it. He kneels down and grabs the envelope and tears it open on the floor. He hates everything about today. He doesn’t want today to happen. He doesn’t think it needs to happen. He may as well do something to try to make himself happy.

  He takes the game out. It’s wrapped in that insect-wing-thin plastic, and he immediately starts trying to pick it off, but then he stops and looks at the front of the box. He already knew what the cover looked like—he’d seen it on all the spoiler-free websites, in the spoiler-free reviews—but to be holding it is something else. Knowing he could be playing it in a matter of hours—once the mistake of today is done—makes him feel a lot better about everything. It frees him, for just a moment, from the sad, angry, weak, too-heavy-to-move way he’s been feeling for months. All of it lifts, then crashes back down again like a tidal wave.

  The cover shows the mountain city of Wellhall, capital of Erenia, homeland of the gray elves. This game is the fifth in the series. Each installment happens in a different homeland, hundreds of years apart, so each new game is familiar but still fresh. This one has all sorts of new tech, too: next-gen graphics, AIs so real you can’t tell them from people, and online capabilities—he doesn’t know yet if that last feature is a good thing. But it’s the gray elf homeland, and that’s exciting, because he always plays as a gray elf—a treasure hunter/explorer named Severkin (his own name, Nick Reeves, spelled backward but with some letters taken out, because when he first made him four years ago he thought that was cool; he still thinks it’s sort of cool). The mountain city on the cover looks like a spiral into the clouds. Carved staircases wind up the city, and stained-glass windows shine like embedded jewels. Above it is the title of the game in carved letters:

  “What are you doing?” Dad sticks his head into the hall from the kitchen. They live in one of those suburban houses where the ground floor has archways, not actual doors, so Dad can do that without Nick’s noticing. Dad’s ’fro bobs like a sea creature: his head is tilted a little, and it’s the only part of him showing, like he’s playing a spy on a kids’ show. Nick would laugh, but seeing Dad makes him remember how angry he is at him for letting this happen.

  “Just getting the mail,” Nick says, and picks up all the letters and brings them into the kitchen. Mom is sitting at the table, looking out the window. Mom is white—like, really white. She’s from Germany, and she’s so blond that you don’t notice where she’s going gray unless you look really closely. In the light, her face is like the carved ivory cameo she used to wear when Nick was little. She has a bowl of soggy cereal in front of her, half eaten. Not a great last meal.

  “You should eat, Mom,” Nick says. She turns to him and smiles, then winks, which is a thing she does, and then takes a spoonful. Once, the winks were supposed to be reassuring, like a shared secret, but now Nick doesn’t know what they mean. He looks down at his hands and realizes he’s still holding the game, and for a moment he forgets what’s happening and he wants to sit across from Mom and open it and look at the instruction booklet with her. Mom plays the game, too—well, she played the last one. She won’t be playing this one with him.

  “You should eat, too,” Dad says. He’s drinking coffee by the stove.

  “I’m not really hungry,” Nick says, and he wants the words to sound cold and mean, but Dad just nods, unaffected, as usual.

  “I get that,” Dad says. “Me neither.” He pauses and takes off his glasses to polish them and then looks at Mom. Nick looks at Mom, too. Mom looks out the window. The light on her face makes her phantom-pale.

  “You want to get going, Sophie?”

  In the game, there’s this poison—ragebrew. You prick someone with it and they get crazy angry, start attacking everyone in sight. Severkin uses it to cause distractions when he needs to get into well-guarded ruins or private collections, like when he’d liberated the Shield of Chalaak from the hidden crypt in the Royal Jungles of Aneer. One dose and the guards patrolling the jungle—open only to the royal family—were distracted by one of their colleagues as Severkin leapt from tree to tree, following the directions on an ancient map.

  When Dad asks that question, it’s like Nick has been pricked with the poison. He can feel anger as a bright white liquid pouring into his blood and making it fizz. He can’t explain it, but he hates the way Dad asks it like a question. Like there’s a chance of backing out now.

  “We’re going to Sunrise House today,” Dad says after
Mom doesn’t look at him right away.

  “I know,” Mom says. She’s still got this faint German accent that makes her words sound like heartbeats. “Gehen wir. Bevor ich komplett zerfalle.”

  Nick realizes he’s holding his breath and clutching the game so tightly it’s sticking to his skin. For a split second he had thought maybe she’d say, “No we’re not, I’ve changed my mind.” But that’s not happening.

  So Nick says it: “You don’t have to.”

  He knows the moment it leaves his mouth that it’s a mistake. It’s the same old argument they’ve been having for months, since his parents said Mom would be going to the home. For two years, really, since they sat him down and said, “Mom has early-onset Alzheimer’s.”

  “Nick,” Dad says, his drawing out of the i like a warning bell.

  Nick’s not blind. He knows Mom has been a little off for the past few years, and she’s had some bad days. But they told him Alzheimer’s meant forgetting things, and he said okay and went upstairs and googled it. Forgetting things apparently meant forgetting everything—also, changes in personality, weird fits, needing to be bathed, cleaned. Mom wasn’t like that. She still isn’t.

  “Nicky,” Mom says before Dad can start telling him he’s being immature and needs to accept things. “I love you. I will see you. And I’m doing this for you. I promise, one day, when you’re ready, you’ll understand why. But right now you just need to trust us. You’re still young. I want you to enjoy your youth, not worry.” The same clichés she’s been spouting for months. Hearing them again should make him angrier, but instead of a fire inside, he feels hollowed out and wet.

  “I’m going to worry anyway,” Nick says. Mom stares him in the face, her eyes bright blue and a little sad.

  After he’d googled “Alzheimer’s,” he googled “Alzheimer’s misdiagnoses,” and after Google had corrected his spelling, he found a lot more. He found articles by doctors saying that half of all Alzheimer’s cases are misdiagnosed. Or at least one in five, which is a lot. And that usually whatever the problem really is is curable. The big one, a condition called normal pressure hydrocephalus, is curable. It’s just some pressure on the brain because something isn’t draining right, so someone sticks a big needle in and drains it. Well, not anyone—a doctor. And that’s just the most common possibility—there are so many others: Wilson’s disease (symptoms go away with regular treatment), uremia (curable with dialysis), hypothyroidism (symptoms fade with regular treatment), and more.

  There are even people called “the worried well”—people who think they’re sick because a relative has been, but who are fine, it turns out, and are just getting older. Nick had brought all this back to his parents, but they’d shaken their heads. Mom definitely had Alzheimer’s. They knew because her dad had had it.

  As if these other conditions—and he’d brought them dozens—couldn’t be what had actually been wrong with her dad. As if doctors couldn’t have misdiagnosed Alzheimer’s thirty years ago in Germany. As if it weren’t more likely a misdiagnosis than a correct one. They hadn’t had the best doctors or tests back then. Nick argued with them for months. Mom was a little weird sometimes, but she was fine otherwise. She didn’t have any of the ten key symptoms of Alzheimer’s. His parents said he was in denial, and had to accept his mom’s condition. They offered to send him to a shrink. He told them no.

  Nick found those ten symptoms on the Alzheimer’s Association website. He included the “normal behavior” (not Alzheimer’s) descriptions, then made the symptoms into an interactive desktop for his computer—a little program with check boxes. Every time Mom showed a symptom, he checked it. If she didn’t show it again the next day, he unchecked it.

  ❶

  ❑ Memory loss that disrupts daily life.

  ❑ Normal: Sometimes forgetting names or appointments, but remembering them later.

  ❷

  ❑ Challenges in planning or solving problems.

  ❑ Normal: Making occasional errors when balancing a checkbook.

  ❸

  ❑ Difficulty completing familiar tasks at home, at work or at leisure.

  ❑ Normal: Occasionally needing help to use the settings on a microwave or to record a TV show.

  ❹

  ❑ Confusion with time or place.

  ❑ Normal: Getting confused about the day of the week but figuring it out later.

  ❺

  ❑ Trouble understanding visual images and spatial relationships.

  ❑ Normal: Vision changes related to cataracts.

  ❻

  ❑ New problems with words in speaking or writing.

  ❑ Normal: Sometimes having trouble finding the right word.

  ➐

  ❑ Misplacing things and losing the ability to retrace steps.

  ❑ Normal: Misplacing things from time to time and retracing steps to find them.

  ❽

  ❑ Decreased or poor judgment.

  ❑ Normal: Making a bad decision once in a while.

  ❾

  ❑ Withdrawal from work or social activities.

  ❑ Normal: Sometimes feeling weary of work, family and social obligations.

  ➓

  ❑ Changes in mood or personality.

  ❑ Normal: Developing very specific ways of doing things and becoming irritable when a routine is disrupted.

  Nick had told himself that if she showed all the symptoms in one day, or even just one symptom for three days in a row, he would accept it. But she never did. And two years later, she was going to the home. He even keeps track of how often the boxes are checked. In the past year, she’s had box 1 checked twice, when she forgot to pick him up from school, and that one really bad day in the spring; box 2 checked once; box 3 checked a lot—sometimes two days in a row; box 4 checked ten times, but never in a row; box 7 checked about a dozen times; box 8 checked once, for that bad day again; box 9 was never checked, though he’s not sure if that’s fair, with her quitting her job (anthropology professor at the local college, where Dad teaches African American studies) just after he made the checklist. Boxes 5, 6, and 10 have never been checked.

  But this isn’t enough for them. Nick showed them the checklist a few months ago, when they started talking about the home. They said he wasn’t seeing everything. As if he could stop—as if every move Mom made didn’t make him go through all the symptoms in his head.

  “Let’s get going, then,” Dad says. Mom sighs, and stands, and Nick follows them because he doesn’t know what else to do.

  Outside it’s bright, in a cheerless sort of way, like bad video game graphics. Two Rivers is a suburb of Manhattan, wealthy and mostly white, with what Dad calls “an artsy, intellectual community,” which Nick thinks means it’s rich but liberal, and people are willing to pay too much for stuff. Free-trade coffeehouses in every little shopping center, good schools, the smell of cut grass and suntan lotion sweeping in every summer and hovering there in a haze of self-satisfaction.

  They get in the car, Dad driving because Mom gave up her driver’s license at the end of last spring. When Nick goes to fasten his seat belt, he realizes he’s still holding the game, and starts picking at the plastic again.

  “What is that?” Dad asks, turning his head around.

  “It’s the new game.” Nick finally manages to tear away a corner of the plastic. He puts his finger beneath the rip and pulls up, trying to rip more of it.

  “Why did you bring it? Go put it back.”

  “Let him keep it,” Mom says. “He’s been looking forward to this game for almost a year.”

  “So have you,” Nick says, finally pulling a crack in the plastic and tearing the whole thing off. He looks up at her, but her eyes are staring ahead of her. He reaches out and puts his hand on her shoulder and she turns slightly, her face in profile.

  “I’ll be sorry to miss it,” Mom says as Dad starts the car. “But you can tell me all about it when you come see me.”

  “Yeah.” It won’t be the
same.

  At this point, Mom is better at the game than he is. She used to just watch him play when she was getting dinner ready, and she’d point out how this quest or character was based on a Greek myth or that this traditional ceremony of the trolls was clearly inspired by the Japanese tea ceremony. She gave the story a lot of layers. And then one day he asked her if she wanted to play, too, and she said yes. And she was really, really good. She’d even played when he was at school, set up these little quests in the game and given him clues in the form of little notes hidden in his room. She did things like that before the game, too, clues to lead him to candy and birthday presents, but it was even cooler when she did it for treasure in the game.

  Nick knows it’s dorky or lame or whatever, and it’s not something he’d ever tell his friends (if he still had any), but he likes playing the game with Mom. He likes having her nearby commenting on the quests he does. And he likes that she gets so into the story, like he does.

  “It’s such a beautiful day,” Mom says from the passenger seat. “Just like the day we brought you home from the hospital, Nicky.”

  Dad drives the car through the funnels of Two Rivers: Easter-egg houses with picket fences and then a large park, a mall, a hospital. They drive by Lincoln Middle School, where Nick graduated in the spring, and Reagan Junior High and High School, where he starts seventh grade in just over a week. No one talks. Mom just keeps looking out the window, her hands in her lap, and Dad stares forward, driving. They both must know how much happier Mom would be at home—they’d watch her favorite movies and eat popcorn on the couch and listen to her jazz records.

 

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