“Speaking of Ryland,” he said, as though he were afraid I was suddenly a giant bubble and might pop at any moment, “there is something I wanted to talk to you about.”
“Go ahead,” I said. “I promise I won’t freak out,” I added, sensing that was his fear.
“It’s about Jocelyn.”
My nostrils flared, but I kept my cool. “In that case I promise to try not to freak out,” I amended with a smirk, only half-kidding.
“Jocelyn thinks that he and Ryland should meet before we test Ryland with the Iris.”
“Min mentioned something about testing him, what exactly is going to happen there?” In my defense, I really was curious. It wasn’t just a ploy to avoid the Jocelyn subject for as long as possible. Not entirely, anyway.
“As far as the test itself, not much. We will bring him to the Inner Chamber, put his Sciath on him – or what will one day be his Sciath – just to be safe, hand him the Iris, and see what happens.”
“See what happens? You don’t know what will happen?”
“The prophecies say that he will activate it, but we’re not sure what that means. There’s no need to worry,” he said, seeing the look on my face. “Abilities in general are subtle. Ryland will more than likely not even be aware anything is happening. Min will be watching his saol to see if there are any changes, and Jocelyn will monitor his subconscious thoughts to see if anything is triggered there.”
“Earlier you said that Ryland would be a mind-reader like Jocelyn, but now you make it sound like you don’t know what his ability will be.”
“That’s because we don’t. He may turn out to be a Reader like Jocelyn – his hearing thoughts is a strong indicator that he will be – or he may have an ability all of his own. Or he may be normal and it’s the use of the Iris that makes him special. We don’t know specifically what we are looking for, but when it happens, it should be obvious. Or so we’ve been told.”
“Nice to know you guys have a plan,” I quipped. “I’d hate to think you were playing all this by ear.”
“He’ll be safe. I’ll make sure of it.”
“Can I be there?”
“Actually, it was decided by all of us that you should be there. We think it will make Ryland feel more at ease. We don’t want him to be any more nervous than he has to be. Which,” he continued hesitantly, guiding us back to the original subject, “is also why Jocelyn thinks it might be a good idea that he and Ryland meet before then. If the day of the test is also the first day Ryland sees his father… well, like I said, we want him to be as relaxed as possible.”
I sighed, pursing my lips, knowing there was nothing I could do. Or at least nothing I could do in all fairness. I mean, I’d known this was bound to happen eventually, and – much as I hated it – I couldn’t stop Ryland from meeting Jocelyn. Even if I tried, he was bound to meet him after I was gone, and if it had to happen I’d rather be nearby.
“When?” I asked after a moment.
“In a few days. It will be two weeks before the test, and–”
“Yeah, thanks for that,” I interrupted. “Min told me that was you, and… well I wanted to thank you.”
He smiled and looked down. “It’s what was best for everyone.” I noted a little bit of tension in the air before he cleared his throat and continued his previous thought. “The test will be a week from Sunday, and you and I can take Ryland to meet Jocelyn sometime this week.”
“No,” I said shaking my head. “Ryland can go, but not me.”
“You don’t want to be there?”
“Oh, I want to be there all right, but something is telling me that it would be better if I wasn’t. Ryland is going to have to start doing these things on his own, and I think we all know it’ll go a lot smoother without me and my temper in the mix,” I said with a grin.
“You might be right,” Alex chuckled, though it was clear there was something else on his mind.
“What is it?” I asked.
He hesitated, looking slightly awkward. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want… I was just wondering, what happened, exactly?”
At first I wasn’t sure what he meant. “With Jocelyn? You don’t know? I’d assumed everyone here knew all about it.”
“He’s never mentioned it, and it’s not something that the rest of us talk about.”
“Well I guess it’s not something to be proud of, is it?” I couldn’t hide the bitterness in my tone. Everyone here worshiped the ground Jocelyn walked on. Of course he wasn’t going to inform his fan club that deep down he’s a commitment-phobe and a deadbeat dad.
“All I’ve ever known was that at one time he was married to his Anam, and had two kids: a girl and a boy.”
“Wait, married to his what?”
Alex shifted in his seat, looking incredibly uncomfortable. “His Anam,” he said reluctantly, then anticipating my question, continued: “It’s umm… it’s nothing. Just a… sort of a bond…” He scratched the back of his neck, looking away. “Tell you what, you can ask Chloe about that one, she’s something of an expert.”
Ah. Must be a girly thing.
“Well,” I said, hoping if we moved on he would relax, “there isn’t much to tell.” I looked down at the couch cushion, not sure what to say. I didn’t mind telling him, but I was oddly embarrassed, as if he might think less of me if he knew my own father didn’t think enough of me to hang around. Hugging my knees to my chest, I decided to go for it, and hope for the best “He left us,” I said, though I couldn’t quite look up at him, resenting the emotion I felt building up in my throat. I sat there silently waiting for it to pass, while Alex waited patiently, knowing I would continue when I was ready.
“We lived in Maine when I was a kid. Jocelyn worked as a European history professor at the University of Maine and my mom was a nurse. When I was seven, Mom got a great new job at a children’s hospital in Pittsburgh. She was about to have Ryland and the hospital said she could start right after he was born. The day Mom and Ryland came home from the hospital we started packing, and two weeks later, Mom, Ryland and I were on our way to Pennsylvania, expecting Jocelyn to follow us in a few weeks after his semester at the university officially ended. The day we’d expected him to arrive, Mom got a letter in the mail. She’d gone into her room to read it, and didn’t come out. By that evening, my aunt Linda, Mom’s sister, had come to stay with us for a while. I only saw Mom a few times over the next few days, and when I did she looked sick. I assumed she had caught a cold or something, and needed Aunt Linda to take care of Ryland and me so we wouldn’t catch it. The only thing I couldn’t figure out was why Jocelyn hadn’t come yet. Aunt Linda was actually the one who told me that he wasn’t coming at all. A few days later, when Mom was finally well enough to come out of her room, she tried to explain to me that Dad had gotten a new job running a school somewhere far away, and that it was what he’d always wanted, and that we should be happy for him, and not to be sad, and that maybe someday he’d come and visit me. I bought it too, until I read his letter. Mom and Aunt Linda were out on the porch talking one afternoon, and Ryland was sleeping in Mom’s room. He woke up and started to cry, so I went to get him, and saw the letter on her dresser. It said that he’d been offered a position to run a private school in Ireland, and that it was an opportunity he couldn’t pass up. He’d also assured her that, while his time with her would always be something he looked back fondly on, that he’d lately come to realize that ‘family life’ wasn’t something he was suited for.” I heard the animosity in my voice growing, but I didn’t care. “Then of course he went on to say that he was really doing this for her, so she would be free to find someone who could give her what she deserved, and so on and so forth. All the same bullshit lines that people give who feel bad for doing something, but not bad enough to not do it. To this day my mom doesn’t know I read it.”
I paused again, my eyes having not moved from the couch cushion, as I couldn’t risk letting Alex see me get emotional over a man so undese
rving of my time. Though thankfully, the more the conversation leaned toward my mother, the more the hurt began dissolving into anger.
“It killed my mother,” I stressed, finally looking up at Alex, wanting him to see the amazing Jocelyn the way he deserved to be seen. “She has never been the same. She loved him more than anything, and he tossed her aside like she was nothing; like we all were nothing. She didn’t deserve that.”
“None of you did,” Alex said softly.
“And now, I come to find out that this whole time he actually had the ability to erase memories and control minds? That he could have saved her all that pain? Yeah, I know he doesn’t believe in doing all that, but come on, you can’t tell me that would have been worse than what he did? He could have made her believe anything he wanted! He could have given her a chance to be happy, to move on and have a life. If he didn’t want to be with her anymore, he could have at least given her a chance with someone else. He owed her that much.”
I stopped and ran my fingers through my hair, giving it a shake. I was trying very hard to remember that the man sitting in front of me, listening to me with such warm sympathy, had been walked out on by both of his parents, and that I was really in no position to be complaining.
“Anyway,” I said to break the silence, though I was mortified that my voice cracked, “I’m going to opt out of ‘family time’.”
“Are you sure?” I could tell he wasn’t trying to force me – like, say, Mom might have – but simply making sure I wouldn’t come to regret my decision.
“Definitely,” I nodded. “Ryland will be fine, and you’ll still be there, right?”
“I’ll be there in the beginning. If Ryland is all right, I’ll step out into the hall and leave them alone, but I’ll stay nearby. I’ll make sure Ryland knows that I won’t be far.”
“Thank you,” I said softly, truly grateful for how wonderful he’d been to both Ryland and I since we’d left home. Looking back, I really couldn’t imagine having to do all this without him.
I held his eyes a second or two longer than I should have, trying to decipher what I saw, and wondering what he saw in mine. I’m not sure how long we sat there, but it was long enough to raise the hairs on the back of my neck and make my palms grow hot.
In desperate need of a distraction I reached down for our empty bowls, intending to take them to the bathroom sink. However, at the same moment I reached for his, he moved to hand it to me, causing us to collide. Instead of leaning back immediately, we both froze, our chests pressed against each other and – more notably – our mouths only inches apart.
I could feel his shaky breath on my cheek, and all I could think about was what his lips would feel like pressed against mine. Then suddenly, as if he’d read my mind, he began to slowly lean forward.
He was going to kiss me!
My hands started to tremble as I closed my eyes and tipped my head up. I felt his breath on my lower lip, tasted his warm scent on my tongue, felt the slightest brush of his nose against mine, and then–
Knock! Knock! Knock! “Becca?”
Ryland! Damn it!
We both turned our heads toward the door, and from the corner of my eye I saw Alex blink a few times, then stand calmly, take the bowls from the table, and walk into the bathroom, leaving me sitting on the couch in a – dare I say hot-and-bothered – stupor.
“Becca, you there?” Ryland called again from the other side of the door.
“Yeah, it’s open,” I called, rubbing my hands over my face.
He came through the door, all smiles, “Hey! Oh hey, Alex!”
I looked over to see Alex was indeed back from the bathroom.
“Hi Ryland, how’s it going? You like it here so far?” Alex asked grinning, as though nothing had happened.
“It’s awesome!” Ryland plopped down on the couch, right where Alex had been all evening.
“Glad to hear it. I’ve got to run, but I’ll see you soon, OK?” he said, looking decidedly at Ryland and not me.
“OK, bye.”
With that, Alex tuned and opened the door, stopping only when I called to him, “Will I see you tomorrow?” I realized that I probably sounded needy, but I sure as hell wasn’t about to let him leave without so much as a nod in my direction after almost kissing the guy.
Almost… Damn!
He turned and met my eyes for the first time since leaving with the bowls. “Of course,” he said, as though there could be no other answer.
He shut the door behind him with a soft click, while Ryland began digging through my goodie box from Mom.
“Aw! You got peanut butter M&M’s, I only got plain! Can I have some? I’ll give you some of mine. Becca?”
“Hmm?” I asked, still looking at the door.?“Can I have some M&M’s?”
“Sure,” I said, lying back against the couch. “Whatever you want.”
13
If there was one thing I learned over the next few days, it was that Ireland was nothing like the US. I guess I should have suspected that, but for some reason my subconscious had it figured that since the people in Ireland spoke English it must be a lot like home.
It was not.
Sure, there were similarities; they did (basically) speak English, though there were some euphemisms I was unfamiliar with, like “trainers” for shoes, and so on. My personal favorite was “feck”. As you can imagine, the Irish dialect caused the “e” to sound a lot like a “u”, which sorry, but I got a kick out of. Hearing that – ahem – word thrown around in casual conversation by everyone from professors to students was hilarious, and it took me several days – and a lot of suppressed giggling – to get used to.
The food wasn’t much better. I have always been a picky eater, and unfortunately the Irish cuisine wasn’t doing it for me. In the cafeteria’s defense, they did try. The school hosted students from all over the word, and I could tell that the culinary staff did their best to cater to everyone, what with “Italian Day”, the “Eastern Buffet”, and the “American Specials”. But, try as they might, putting a sign over something that says “American”, doesn’t inherently make it so. For instance, the “American Grilled Cheese” was grated hard cheddar, melted between two slices of rye soda bread.
No thanks.
I was anxious about breakfast as that had always been my favorite kind of food, and was happy to find that most of it was the same sort of stuff I was used to – eggs, bacon, toast, pancakes – except of course, the baked beans. Who in their right mind came up with the idea to serve baked beans for breakfast I’ll never know, but it isn’t a tradition I’ll be adopting any time soon.
And then there was the weather! After a few days I started to wonder if an umbrella shouldn’t be added to the national flag, as I’d never seen so much rain in my life! There wasn’t a day without it, and you never knew when it might pop up. Sure, there were your typical storms that were easy to see rolling in, but sometimes a shower would sneak up, soak you before you had a chance to run, and then be gone again like it had never been.
Strange euphemisms, weird food, and crazy weather aside, my stay at St Brigid’s was turning out much more enjoyable than I would have ever imagined. I’d expected to be little more than Ryland’s sister, but everyone made me feel so included and at home it was as though they were honestly happy to have me. Min always greeted me with a smile, Mr Anderson and Mr Reid held a permanent seat for me in whatever the daily game was, and Chloe was always happy to spend as much time with me as she could. Honestly, if she weren’t taking a few of the college-level courses that St Brigid’s offered, thus requiring her to go to class once or twice a day, I’d probably never be alone. Alex was worried that it bothered me, but I actually liked it. It made me feel wanted, and Lord knows I wasn’t getting that from Ry. The only time I even saw him was in the morning before he left for classes, and even that was only because I made a point of going to his dorm on my way back from breakfast each day to say hi. Normally I wouldn’t have been so clingy, but after
those first few days I realized that if I didn’t make the effort I very well might not see him again until he graduated. Mr Popularity certainly wasn’t going to any lengths to seek me out. Which, I had to keep reminding myself, was good, even if a little annoying.
The one person who didn’t seem to want me around was Taron. He continued to ignore and/or sneer at me in derision every chance he got, but it didn’t bother me, as he was a jerk. I didn’t care how long he’d been with Jocelyn, or how trustworthy Alex said he was. To me, he’d been nothing but a gigantic ass, and I would continue to consider him as such until he gave me a reason to do otherwise – and I wasn’t holding my breath.
Last, but by no means least, there was Alex. I’d worried that after our almost-kiss, fantastically frustrating as it had been, that things would be awkward between us. However, when we’d met the following day he acted as though it had never happened, which was a relief…
… and, kind of annoying.
But as my only options were to either ask him outright about it, or ignore it and move on, I chose the latter. Better to be happy and enjoy what time with him I had, than to ruin everything by being needy.
We hung out together every day, without fail. Most days he would find me playing, judging, or just watching the Anderson/Reid game of the day. So often actually, that I came to expect him and started to look forward to that more than the game itself. He would arrive no later than four, and join us for a while. Sometimes he would play a round or two of whatever sport or contest we had going, then eventually he would casually ask if I wanted to take a walk. Sometimes we would in fact walk, while other times we’d find a seat somewhere and talk, or go to the cafeteria and grab dinner. But no matter what we ended up doing, it was always, hands down, my favorite part of the day.
The afternoon Alex didn’t come to the lounge at his usual time was the first day since we left Pittsburgh that I hadn’t seen him. I forced a smile through the last round of checkers, no longer in the mood, pulled on my jacket and walked out onto the porch, not really sure what to do with myself. Or more accurately, avoiding what I knew I should be doing with myself, which was go to the computer lab, finally make a decision about which school to attend in the spring, and send my enrolment forms in. I’d been thinking about it a lot over the past few days, and the fact of the matter was I was out of excuses. It was clear that Ryland was happy, and thanks to security updates from Min and a few conversations with Alex, I was actually beginning to believe that he was indeed safe here as well. Mom and I talked every few days, and I could tell that she was also doing well on her own and wouldn’t need my help at home anymore. Everyone was happy, and there was nothing holding me back.
The Holders Page 12