by Izzy Cullen
I’m hoping you realize soon how good we are together, because I already realize it. I left a few shirts to replace the one I took. I hope you wear them, because it makes me think I am apart of you.
Wanting ALL parts of your life, not just you,
Alex
Reading it, I felt a pain in my chest, heart and soul, if that was even possible. I hurt, knowing I completely misread and misjudged him as a person, but I still couldn’t risk the fact that he might not be able to love us all or that one day he would get sick of this life and walk out. There was just too much to lose and gamble on. I just couldn’t take that risk.
15.
Slowly, things got back to normal. Over two weeks passed since Alex’s visit. I still hadn’t had the courage to answer any of his phone calls, but he continued to call daily. He discovered my favorite flowers by the paintings in my bedroom and like clockwork; a new arrangement was delivered daily. I finally had to stop at the flower shop and ask Rita to start delivering the arrangements to the retirement village, because my house was beginning to look like a funeral home.
Derek was due to arrive for his visit and I hadn’t told him much or really anything about Alex’s visit. Lexi knew that Alex was in town, but I didn’t tell her how things ended. I just stated that I didn’t think we would see each other again. A few times around town and at the pub, people had asked me about my mystery man, but I just told them that he was an old friend and left it at that. The girls overused Alex’s gift, and when I finally looked at the iPad, I noticed Alex had set up a playlist on it for me with lots of love songs and ballads from the 80’s. He included Heaven by Boyce Avenue, one of my favorite slightly unknown bands. That made me realize, he did listen to me when we talked and when I shared little things I loved, like the group Boyce Avenue, a complete 180 from his band.
When Derek finally arrived, we were busy doing activities with the girls. We hit the beach and made our trek up the falls for our annual picnic and hike. While we were there, Derek and I had our first real conversation of the trip while the girls played on the jungle gym on the playground.
“I’m glad I’m here. I’ve always wanted to do this trip with you and the girls, but I knew if I did, David would be pissed.”
I looked at Derek and smiled, “I’m glad you’re here. I’ve done this trip for the past three years alone. I’m glad to know someone wanted to be with us on the trip.”
“You know you don’t have to do everything on your own.”
“Yes, I do. I know I can rely on you and Lex, and of course my parents, but it’s just the four of us and that’s how it will be.” I said that and tried to sound like I was okay with what I was saying, but in a way, I was sad. I was sad not to have that person who would be in it with me and who wanted to share the responsibility 50/50 with me. “Derek really, it’s been this way forever. David was never a part of any of this stuff, because he didn’t care, so in a way, things haven’t changed.”
“Abbs, that’s where you are wrong, things have changed. You don’t need to be that strong person anymore who does everything alone. You can let others in. You can let Alex in and let him help you and be a part of this.” I looked at Derek and I was pissed. He knew nothing about Alex and me. He might think he knew, but he didn’t.
“It’s better this way. Plus, tell me how Alex will help when he’s across the country and one of the girls is sick and I need to be at work? Or how can he help when I forget it’s one of the twin’s snack days and he’s on tour? I’m better doing it myself, because I’d be doing it myself anyway.” Derek grabbed my hand and squeezed it.
“Maybe he doesn’t want that, Abbs. Have you talked to him? Maybe he’s ready for all of that.”
“I haven’t and I’m not. I’m not talking to him, so there’s nothing more to say. You were right, I need to be careful.” I removed my hand from Derek’s. “Now drop it before you ruin the day.”
That was the end of the conversation. The days went on and we celebrated the Fourth of July by watching the local parade. The girls participated in the kid’s games at the park and we watched the fireworks. Derek’s visit was relaxing and good for the soul.
The night before Derek left, we had a bonfire in the yard with the girls. After we put the girls to bed, we sat out back and after a few glasses of wine, I let my guard down. “Abbs, what really happened with Alex?”
“Ugh, Derek, why, why do we keep reliving this? Can’t you just let it rest?”
“Yes, I can, or I could if I knew it wasn’t hurting you. Let it out and you’ll feel so much better.”
I let out a loud and dramatic sigh, “Fine, he came to visit a few weeks ago, which I am guessing you know because you and Lexi keep talking behind my back.” I was looking right at him now.
“We talk behind your back because we care about you. Let’s make that clear and we’ve never hidden the fact we do it.” He winked at me and I rolled my eyes.
“While he was here, I realized it wouldn’t work. Allowing him in the girls’ life would be selfish on my part.”
“I’m not following. How is it selfish to allow another person to care about them and letting them into their lives? If anything, they will benefit from the relationship. A happy mom and a male in their lives, sounds like a win, win.”
“What if he doesn’t care about them, what if he can’t. They aren’t his kids. God, their own father might not have even loved them, as he should have. Do you know what Lily asked me? She asked me if her daddy loved her, because she didn’t know since he never told her. Honestly, it’s my fault. I stayed and I knew he didn’t want us, any of us, but out of obligation, he stayed and I wasn’t strong enough to leave. I couldn’t leave and now my child feels unloved by someone who should have been one of the most loving people in her life.” I put my head in my hands and sobbed. Derek walked over to my chair and picked me up, placing me on his lap.
“This is what it is really about, not the distance and the lifestyle differences, but you don’t think he can love them like his own?” I couldn’t even manage a response, because I was crying so hard. Hearing Lily say it was tough, but me saying it to someone else made it even more real. “David was an asshole and he didn’t deserve any of you. All he cared about was himself, his job and his golf game. I really don’t think David knew what love was, Abbs, and it isn’t your fault.”
“It is, because I stayed and I made my child feel unloved.”
Derek talked in a quiet voice while wrapping me tightly in his arms. “No, you made those girls feel loved and they know what love is because of you. You can’t take responsibility for David.“
“No, but I can protect them from ever feeling that way again.” I was finally gaining control of my emotions. I wiped the tears from my face and looked at Derek.
“Abbs, you don’t know Alex won’t love them. Obviously, they aren’t my kids, but I love them like mine. I would do anything for those girls, so don’t tell me it can’t be done. You think I want Alex to love them or you? I want to be the one they are with everyday and the one you look at with those blue eyes, but I’m not. Give Alex a chance.”
“I can’t, I won’t be made a fool of again. I won’t be that wife at home, taking care of the kids and house while my husband is out sleeping with anything that moves.” I wanted to tell Derek how hearing the news David died in the car accident didn’t hurt me as much as hearing of all the affairs, but I felt so cold saying it.
“Abby, he isn’t David. I could tell that the minute I saw him look at you. David never looked at you like that, but Alex looks at you like you are the only other person alive and you look at him the same way. I would love to have someone look at me like that, you have it.”
“I just can’t, please don’t push me.” I laid my head back on Derek’s shoulder.
“Fine, Abbs, but your number one is right in front of you.” After that, neither of us said much. I remained curled on Derek’s lap as we both quietly looked into the fire. Some point in the night, I must have fall
en asleep. I woke sometime in the early morning, still in my clothes, which smelled like a bonfire.
Derek was leaving that morning. The girls and I got up and made him a special breakfast. When it was over, we walked him out to the car. Lily’s arms were wrapped tightly around his waist. Derek was such a big part of her life after David died. Lily needed him. The twins were young enough that they didn’t understand, but Lily did.
The girls gave Derek a hug and kiss. I went in for my hug and Derek squeezed me tight. “This is the part I always hate, leaving you. If you just married me, I wouldn’t have to leave.” He kissed me on the check.
“True, but I can’t see a corporate lawyer making it here in this town.” I wished it were that easy. Marrying Derek, I wouldn’t have to worry about the girls being loved and I knew he would share all responsibilities in the marriage, but I would still be missing real love. I knew I loved Derek and he loved me, but not the love that I felt with Alex. I knew I would never experience that again. If only I hadn’t known that feeling, it would make living so much easier.
“Remember my surprise? Well, I added a few more since I had a few extra days alone with you. A few are on the list, but one isn’t, so I’ll give you a hint. We’ll be going away for a night or two to your favorite place in this country.” He leaned in and kissed me on the mouth and I wrapped my arms around his waist, laying my head on his chest.
“You sure do spoil me.” I knew where we would be going and I loved him for the trip. We would be in DC. I loved all the museums and monuments, but getting David to take me was always a fight. So, I stopped asking to go. These next two weeks would be hell, knowing what I had to look forward too.
The next two weeks did go by pretty slowly. My dad and Bruce felt the need to question me on Alex and how he was doing. They both seemed pretty upset that I stopped talking to him, which I didn’t really understand. Finally, after the thousand time of questioning me on things, I asked them what the hell their deal was with Alex. Bruce was the first to say anything.
“Abby, the night I brought him here, he was so excited to see you. He talked about being able to spend some time with you, even if it was less than a day. He was telling me how excited he was to meet the girls, because he knew how they were your world. When I took him back, he seemed deflated and beat up. I don’t know what happened, but the guy I flew back wasn’t the same guy I flew here. I’ve wanted to tell you, but your dad and I wanted to let you sort things out. We know these past few months have been hard.” I was shocked and stunned. I didn’t know how he felt about meeting the girls. I guess I just assumed he wanted to see me and be with me, and the girls were never a thought for him. Maybe, I was wrong. But it had been almost a month and he finally stopped calling a week ago. I’m pretty sure I blew any chance with him that I had.
“Bri,” my dad grabbed my hand, “why don’t you call him? It’s never too late and you’ll never know the answer to something unless you ask.” He was right, but I felt the minute he stopped calling was the minute he moved on and stopped caring.
16.
The night before we left for Pittsburgh, my parents took the girls so they could have time with them. They hated to see the girls go for any length of time. Lexi and I decided to hit a local restaurant on the bay. We hadn’t seen each other as much this summer. Her date went well and the guy, Todd had become a regular fixture at her house. I wanted to give her space and time with the new relationship. It made me feel good that she was finally happy with someone. She was always so picky, I never thought she would find anyone who could keep her interest or please her for any amount of time.
We had great conversation catching up on so much we both had missed. I loved hearing about the drama with everyone she worked with and of course catching up on the town drama. We were laughing and having our usual great time, but I was feeling uncomfortable like I was being watched. I looked around several time and each time, the same waitress was staring at us and I didn’t know why.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” Lexi leaned over asking me and turning to follow my gaze to the waitress, who was still looking at me.
“That waitress, why is she looking at me?” I had no clue, but I wanted to know.
“Oh, who knows, maybe she likes your outfit.” Lexi seemed like it didn’t matter, so we went on talking. I did notice throughout the meal that Lexi kept making glances at the waitress, and the looks she was giving the waitress were Lexi’s I want to hurt you looks.
“That’s it, who the hell is she?” I felt my voice raise and I was getting mad.
“Abbs, just a waitress. Relax, let’s get another glass of wine.” Lexi shot me a forced smile and I wasn’t buying it. Lexi knew her from someplace and I wanted to know how.
“Nope, you know her. Christ, you are shooting her looks like you are ready to attack her. How do you know her?” I was staring Lexi right in the eyes and the way she was squirming in her chair let me know she was really uncomfortable with this conversation.
“I don’t really know her.”
“Why is she looking at us and why are you shooting her looks. Lexi, we have been friends for so long, I know that look. You used it a lot in college on the skanks hitting on your boyfriends and you’re using it tonight.”
Lexi let out a loud sigh and leaned in closer to me. “Can we talk about it when we are done, after we leave here? I don’t want to have this conversation here.” I wanted to know, but with the panicked look on her face, I didn’t want to push it. I could wait until we were done and at my house.
Unfortunately, we didn’t get that chance. The waitress approached the table, leaned over and she was looking at Lexi. “Look, I know you don’t like me and I really don’t care, but I need this job, so please don’t make a scene here, like at my last job you came too.” The waitress didn’t wait for a response, just walked away from the table.
“What the hell is that about? I thought you didn’t know her, but you must if you don’t like her or visited her work.” I was being lied to and she was keeping a secret from me. Lexi and I didn’t lie to each or keep secrets from each other. I wanted to know what was going on.
She let another sigh and this time, she grabbed my hand. “I confronted her about sleeping with David.” I was shocked and Lexi must have known it by the expression on my face.
“Why, why would you confront her? There was a lot we found out about after he died. You said it wasn’t worth my breath.” I was puzzled about why she confronted the girl, because Lexi was the one who told me not to dwell on the past, because David was gone and I needed to move on.
“It wasn’t after he died, it was before.”
“WHAT,” I said it loud, loud enough for others to look at our table. I was confused. After David died and I started to hear the names of girls, Lexi told me she didn’t know about any of the affairs or the girls. She said she had ideas, but never knew anything. “You said you didn’t know about any of them,” I said in a loud hissing whisper. I was seething and I had tears pooling in my eyelids.
“Abbs, I did know, but I didn’t want to hurt you more. I confronted her and I confronted David. He said it was the first and last time, and he begged, begged me not to tell you and that things would stop. I confronted her, telling her it would stop. We got into an argument. I thought it had ended, but I’m not sure, even though David told me it did.”
“Why,” tears now streaming down my face. “You were my friend, not his. Why would you keep it from me and why lie to me?” I was hurt, my heart ached and I couldn’t breathe. I stood from the table, knocking my chair over and I walked towards the exit.
By the time I reached my car, Lexi was by my side. She was grabbing at my arm trying to make me face her so I would listen. “Abby, I am your friend, which is why I didn’t tell you. I didn’t want to hurt you and I knew that even if you knew about her, you wouldn’t leave him, but you would retreat inside yourself and be destroyed.”
“Do you know that for sure? No, you don’t and nobody knows what I wou
ld have done, because you never gave me the option to decide what I would do, you decided for me. You are just like him.” I spat the words hard. “Let go of me, we are not friends. Do not call me, don’t text, just stay the hell away from me.” Lexi looked hurt and dropped my arm. I climbed into my car and pulled out of the restaurant, looking in the rearview mirror. I saw Lexi staring at me drive away. I had to wipe the tears with the back of my hand. My heart was hurting and I was in pain. I felt so betrayed. All the feeling of everything with David was coming back and knowing Lexi knew made it hurt worse this time.
I walked in the door and ran up to my bedroom. I threw myself on the bed and cried. I heard my phone ringing, but I ignored it, there wasn’t anyone I wanted to talk to right now and I sure as hell didn’t want to talk to Lexi ever again. I kept thinking how shocked she seemed when I started learning about the affairs. I realized she was a great actor and wondered what else she had lied to me about. I ended up crying myself to sleep.
I woke the next morning feeling the sting from my eyes. The crying left my eyes red and puffy. I quickly changed and packed the car. I called my parents to let them know that I would be on my way to get the girls and shot Derek a text letting him know I was getting on the road and I’d see him tomorrow.
When I grabbed the girls, both my parents were in the driveway waiting with the girls. They helped the girls climb into their booster seats and buckled them up. After the girls were settled and ready for the trip, my dad leaned into my window and kissed my check.
“I see something is wrong. Do you want to talk about it before you hit the road?” He had a very concerned look on his face.
“Nope, I’m perfectly fine. We need to get on the road; I’m already late heading out.” I threw him a forced smile.