by Izzy Cullen
I couldn’t speak, so I just shook my head no. I couldn’t, I wouldn’t be left alone with him, because all my sense of reasoning would leave me with only pure desire remaining and that desire was want. Sam stepped forward and told the guys to leave the room. She shut the door behind them, walked over, and wrapped me in a hug. “I’m sorry, that wasn’t how last night was supposed to go. I tried calling you last night to explain everything, but you didn’t answer. Of course, I don’t blame you.” I looked at Sam. Her eyes showed pain and I didn’t know why.
“Sam, I can’t. I can’t think when I’m with him and I need to have the ability to say no, which is an ability I lose whenever I am with him.” I said it so quietly; I was surprised she could hear me.
“Do you think that I would allow him to even talk to you if he did what you think he did last night? God, after you left, I thought he was going to kill the guys. He punched Johnny, because he was the one who told the girl to sit on his lap. Right now, I’m not even sure there’s a band left. He walked out on them last night. We are expected to fly back to California today. Alex told them that he was done.” I looked at her shocked from what she just said. I had just assumed that Alex was with the girl and planned on being with the girl. “Listen, this isn’t my place, but he didn’t sleep last night. He’s hurting, you are hurting, and it really can’t hurt anymore to talk to him.” She was right, my heart was completely shattered last night and it couldn’t possibly hurt anymore.
“Fine, but I can’t talk to him in any room where there is a bed. Take Derek to breakfast and I’ll talk to Alex in the living room area. I’m going to jump in the shower and get dressed. Tell Alex to wait out there. I don’t think anything will change though.” Sam leaned in, kissed my cheek, and wrapped me in a hug.
“Deal, I’ll go tell Derek to change and Alex to make him self cozy on the couch.” Sam smiled at me as she reached the door. “Hey, if you need us back, text us, we’ll only be in the lobby.” She left and I let out a deep breath. I sat on the bed, trying to gather my thoughts. I finally jumped into the shower and threw on a pair of shorts and tank, putting my hair in a ponytail. I packed a sundress for today, but I wasn’t wearing it for this conversation.
I left the bedroom and noticed it was really quiet in the suite. I thought maybe everyone, including Alex left, but when I entered the living room area, he was standing by the window looking out onto DC. I didn’t say anything, just watched him. He had on a pair of fitted dark jeans, flip-flops and an AC/DC vintage tee. The muscles under his shirt were noticeable and I had to remind myself to breathe and stay strong. Alex must have felt my presence, because he turned and looked right at me. “I ordered coffee and some breakfast. I hope you don’t mind.” I realized I hadn’t had any coffee this morning and without coffee, I didn’t know if I could get into this conversation. I needed coffee to help clear my head and to fully wake up.
“I don’t mind, thanks.” I walked over to the sitting chair. I couldn’t sit on the couch, knowing Alex would probably try to sit with me. I sat down, brought my feet up next to my butt and wrapped my arms around my legs, resting my chin on knees. Alex walked over to me and knelt in front of me. He leaned his forehead on my legs and just that touch was enough to make me become completely undone with desire. I wanted him touching more of me, but knew it wasn’t an option. I began to second-guess the decision to talk to him in the room. I started to tense, but I didn’t know if Alex felt it, because he left his head there. Neither of us said anything until there was a knock at the door. Alex rose and let the waiter in with the food cart.
When the waiter left, Alex finally spoke. “Come, have a seat. I’ll pour you some coffee and we can eat. I’ll talk and you can listen. If you want to talk you can.”
I rose and walked over to the table. “I only want coffee. I’m not hungry.” Alex let out a sigh, but didn’t argue with me. He poured my coffee and placed it in front of me. I picked it up, taking a big sip and closing my eyes to enjoy the first morning sip fully.
“I miss you. I miss talking to you. I miss hearing about your day with the girls and your voice. I wake up wanting to call just so I can hear it. Abby, you have no clue what you’ve done to me.”
I stopped him from continuing. “Alex, you barely know me. You’ve known me for a few weeks. We had great sex, but you don’t know me.” In reality, he didn’t know me. How can you really know someone in the time that we spent together? “You have an idea of me. Things that you know paired with ideas you put in your head about me. Just as I did with you, and look how wrong I was with you on all my assumptions. So, what makes you think that you are right on any of the assumptions you’ve made about me?”
Alex was quiet for a minute. “I know how much you love your family. You consider Derek and Lexi family even when they aren’t. You are one of the strongest people I know and every time I look at you, I’m amazed at how you take care of those girls, putting them first in everything, even if it means you’re making yourself unhappy. I want to make you happy. I want to help make the girls happy. I want to have the chance to know more about you and for you to prove that the assumptions I’ve made are true.”
“Alex, it isn’t that easy or simple. Look at the assumptions we both made already. I was pretty sure you were the type of guy who could sing a song for me and turn around and walk into the next room looking to screw a groupie. You believed I slept with Derek last night. We clearly don’t know each other or each other’s character.” I looked right at him, but he didn’t say anything, because he knew I was right. We assumed the worst in each other without even questioning the fact there could be another possibility to the situation. “Even if we tried this, and you get to know the girls, you still live in California, and I’m in Michigan. Traveling back and forth isn’t easy and your career keeps you on the road or in a studio. You can’t be the type of guy I need when I’m in a relationship.”
“Tell me, what is the type of guy you need?” He slid his plate away and I noticed he hadn’t eaten anything either.
“Someone who is there for me and a guy who will let me cry when life gets too hard. An equal who wants to split all responsibilities 50/50, takes care of the girls when I am sick or holds them even after they puke. Someone who loves me for me and not the person they want me to be. A partner; that is the type of guy I want.”
Alex stood up, walked over to my chair and knelt in front of me. “Abby, how will you find him if you don’t open up or give him a chance? Let me have the chance to fail before you completely close me out. I need you in my life, because I’m miserable without you in it. Obviously, we need to get to know each other better so, let’s hang out and date. I told the guys I was done, so I have lots of time to be the guy you need. Let me take you out and have the chance to really meet the girls.” I wanted him to be the guy, but there were so many things in the way.
“You can’t leave the band, not for me or because of last night.”
“No, I almost lost you, because they thought it was funny to push some girl on me, so if they can’t respect me or how I feel about you, then I don’t want to be apart of it anymore.”
“I’ll make you a deal. You talk to the guys and I’ll give you a chance. They’ve been your family for a large part of your life and you can’t leave things with them like this. After you talk to them, you’ll get your chance. We’ll forget about the past and have a fresh start.” I knew there was a huge possibility of getting hurt again, but I knew that I couldn’t possibly be as miserable, knowing we tried and failed, than just closing him out. I needed him in my life and if I didn’t take the risk, I knew I would regret it for the rest of my life.
Alex leaned in and kissed me softly and quickly on the lips. “I don’t want to forget everything from the past.” I grabbed him, kissed him and immediately my body started to feel the tingling effects from the kiss. I wanted him and I needed him more then I ever wanted to admit to anyone or myself. As we were kissing, Derek and Sam walked into the room. Alex and I pulled away
and looked at each other. We hadn’t worked everything out, but we had a place to start.
“Thank god, I wasn’t sure what was going to happen if we came back and you two hadn’t worked things out.” Sam threw her bag on the couch.
“Alex has a phone call or two to make first and then we’ll see what happens.” I smiled at him, hoping we could do this relationship and he could fix things with the guys.
“Yeah, this coming from the woman not talking to her own mother, but I’ll call the guys and talk things out. I promise.” Alex stood now and was leaning against the table. I stood and started walking towards the hallway to the rooms.
“I am talking to my mother and Lexi again. I managed to fix both relationships last night, while I was avoiding all of you. Now, I am going to change and pack, because I have museums to get to. This is my favorite place to be.” I disappeared into my room and I heard Alex asking Derek what happened with Lexi and me, and why we had been fighting. I heard Derek tell him it was a long story and as I said, we had places to get to, so there was no time for the details.
When I came out, everyone was in the living room area waiting on me. There was still so much to sort through in regards to Alex and me. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen and where we would go from here, but time would tell. I needed to give us that time to sort it all out.
“I talked to the guys. We cancelled the next show. We’re taking a break for a few days and then I’m meeting up with them in Vegas. We’ll have about ten days left of the tour from there. Sam and I are going to intrude on the day you and Derek are having. I’ve never visited any of the museums here in our nation’s capital and I feel it is un-American of me to do that.” I had a huge smile on my face. I was so happy that I could spend time with Alex in my favorite place.
“I want to tell her the rest,” Sam interrupted. “We’ll be driving back to Pittsburgh with you guys. Derek said you were taking the girls to the zoo tomorrow and we’re tagging along. I’ve never been to a zoo in my life.” Sam had a big smile on her face.
“You’ve never been to the zoo ever?” I was shocked, because that is something all kids usually visit; at least that is what I thought. It was something that I had just taken for granted.
“Never, so I’m excited to go with kids who will let me experience it through their eyes. Then I can be excited and won’t feel embarrassed.” I walked over to Sam and hugged her.
“I still get excited every time the penguins dive in front of me behind the glass, so don’t feel embarrassed. I’m so happy you’re coming with us. When did you guys decide all this?” I wasn’t gone that long and a lot had been planned already.
Derek was the first to speak. “Well, Sam and I figured you guys would work things out, and since Alex was fighting with his band mates, we thought Sam and Alex would have some down time. Sam and I figured you needed as much time together as possible. Alex is staying with me at my place and I thought you could let Sam bunk with you at David’s parents if you don’t mind asking them.”
“I’m sure they won’t care. I’ll call them once we get moving, but since this is your first time in DC, we are changing things up a bit. We have the changing of the guard to see, because everyone should see that. Then we’re hitting the mall, mainly the memorials, because it gives you a sense of remembrance and appreciation for the military. Then, we’re off to the Library of Congress, because I want to go there.” I looked over at Derek. “Do you mind? I know you got tickets to a few of the museums, but I just thought…” I trailed off, hoping I hadn’t hurt his feelings.
Derek walked over to me and grabbed my bag, throwing his arm around me. “No, I’m just glad we’re spending time together. I could hang out in here watching movies all day. You’re the one that loves all this history crap.”
I shoved him away, “It’s not crap!”
“Okay, let’s go. I’m so excited.” Sam was jumping up and down and clapping her hands, looking like a little kid.
“Do you think traffic will be bad? I only ask because if we take the Metro, we’ll be harassed by people and we won’t be able to do anything you’ve planned.” Alex sounded a bit annoyed as he was talking. At times, I forgot who he was to the public eye, because he was just Alex to me.
“I have that all set, so don’t worry. I’m not missing anything the next couple of days.” Sam was standing at the door holding it open. We all filed out as Derek carried both of our bags down with him. Once we were down in the lobby, Derek asked the lady at the counter where to put them. She took them and carried them into a room behind the counter.
When we got outside, we followed Sam who led us to a black SUV with two larger guys standing outside of it waiting for us. “Here is our ride and security to keep the crowds at bay.” One man was holding the door open as we climbed in. Sam and I sat in the back row as the guys sat in the captain’s seats in the middle row. We headed off towards Arlington to catch the changing of the guard. We had forty minutes to make it and I didn’t think it would be an issue. As we drove through neighborhoods and landmarks, Sam was amazed and asked questions. I answered the ones I knew and Googled the ones I didn’t. We pulled into Arlington with fifteen minutes to spare. Alex threw on a baseball hat and sunglasses. I grabbed my camera and we all climbed out. Alex stopped for a minute to talk to the security guys. He was asking them to hang back unless people started recognizing him and swarming him. I was hoping it wouldn’t happen.
We walked to the steps to find a place to stand for the changing of the guard and I could feel the heat beating down on us. I was sweating in the heat with no breeze or circulating air. I was happy I changed into my sundress so I wasn’t so constricted with clothing. While we stood there, I snapped a few pictures before it started and we talked about the soldiers in uniform and the tombs of the unknown soldiers. By the time the changing of the guard was done, I had sweat beads all over my chest and I felt a bead roll down between my breasts. I wanted to swipe at it, but wasn’t sure if anyone was looking. When I looked up, Alex’s eyes were fixed on my chest and the sweat beads. His eyes rose to mine and he leaned down into my ear. “Seeing you covered in sweat does things to me. It reminds me of the last time I saw you sweaty.” He then leaned down, kissing my neck, rolling his tongue to my throat and then he pulled away. “You still taste good.” He grabbed my hand and led me away from the steps. I stopped, telling him to wait, and then I pushed him and Sam together for a picture.
When we got back into the vehicle, we decided to visit the Library of Congress before the mall, just in case we had to cut time short. That way, we could still make it through the monuments and memorials. We couldn’t park that close, which was typical for DC. Once we entered the Library of Congress, we got tickets for a guided tour. We heard about the symbolic art and the architecture used in the building. The tour guide told us about the history of the Library of Congress. We walked around a bit, but I could tell Sam, Derek and Alex were not that interested in being there, unlike me. Just looking at some of the books in the display cases gave me goose bumps. I had always loved books.
“I am heading to the gift shop to see if there is something to buy the girls,” Derek said, as he walked towards the sign leading to the store.
“Wait for me,” Sam said as she followed.
Alex walked up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist, pulling me to him. I closed my eyes and let out a moan. His arms were so strong and I could feel the ripples in his chest and stomach, which caused an ache inside me. Alex leaned down and kissed my head. “We don’t have to leave; I’ll stay here all day with you. I can see how much you enjoy looking at all these books.”
“No, I’m ready, but I do love books. The smell, the feel of the paper between your fingers and getting so invested in a story that you think about it before you go to bed or the fact you can’t sleep because you need to finish it.” I turned around and looked at Alex. He reached up, running a hand along my neck and chin.
“The way you feel about books and reading is th
e way I feel about you. Your smell, your feel. I am completely consumed by you to the point that I can’t sleep.” He leaned down and kissed me. I melted into the kiss and was consumed by the moment. When Alex backed me up and my bare back hit the cold glass of the display case, I realized where we were and what we were doing. I pushed him away gently.
I grabbed his hand and started walking to find Derek and Sam. “I’ll tell you a secret. I have always wanted to write a book. It’s actually on my list, but I don’t know if I will ever attempt it, but I love the thought of being an author and telling my own stories.”
Alex stopped and pulled me into him. “Then you should. If it is something you want to do, you should do it. What’s holding you back?” His eyes were so intense at that moment that I had a hard time answering, because I felt pinned by his eyes locked so intently on mine.
“Lots of thing, writing takes a lot of time. Time that I don’t have with the girls. Plus, what if I spend all that time pouring myself into a book and people hate it. I don’t think I could handle it. It’s so much easier to dream it, than the reality of actually doing it.”
“I thought the point of the list was to drag you out of your fears and force you to do the things you wanted.”
“It is, but there’s no time limit on the list, so I have until I die to cross everything off.” I clasped his hand and continued walking.
“Well, I hope you don’t die before everything gets crossed off, because we still need to get to number one.” I looked at Alex with a confused look. I wondered if he thought the book was number one on my list.
We found Derek and Sam buying the girls a few kids’ books, stuffed animals and tote bags. The more I seemed to protest the purchases, the more they seemed to buy, so I decided it was best to be quiet and let them pay, so we could hit the mall. We walked through the WWII memorial, making our way to the Vietnam Wall. By the time, we made it to the Lincoln Memorial there was a trail of people following us. The security guys did a nice job of keeping people at bay, but we did have to stop often so Alex could sign something or take a picture. On the way down the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, Alex walked ahead, turned to me, and stopped. “I was thinking, the security guys have to drive to Pittsburgh, why don’t we send Sam and Derek together and we can have them drive us back. We can sit back in the third row and talk.”