Crave

  “How can you not know?” Shay asked again.

  Gabriel shook his head. “It’s forbidden for us to have contact with humans, at least in my family, and it has to be that way in most others, or our existence wouldn’t have remained a secret. I’ve heard rumors that a child was born from the union of one of us and one of you. But it was hundreds of years ago, and supposedly the child died after only a few days.”

  Shay winced.

  “How has it been for you? Have you always been sick?” He couldn’t believe he hadn’t asked her that before.

  “Yeah. I was an incubator baby. My mother couldn’t actually hold me until I was almost three months old,” Shay answered. “From then on, it was good days, bad days, good days, bad days. Although the good days were more like normal days for other people. Days I could go to school. Days I could have a little time to myself, without doctors, without my mother hovering. She’s a big hoverer.”

  Shay choked back a sob. “This isn’t for me. This isn’t the Sick Girl feeling sorry for herself. It’s just thinking about my mom. … She has to be insane with worry. She’s—is crazy a level below insane? If it is, then she’s crazy with worry on an almost daily basis. But her not knowing where I am … She could even think I’m dead by now.”

  Gabriel reached over and took one of Shay’s hands in his, unable to resist. “You’ll make sure she knows the truth. Tomorrow, you can go home.”

  “She’s in Miami. At least I think so,” Shay said.

  “Then you can go there. That would be better. I don’t want you anywhere near Martin,” Gabriel replied.

  “Martin. I don’t think my mom ever loved him, not really. I mean, I think she just loved him because he would do anything to keep me alive. He acted like he really cared. And he seemed like a steady kind of guy, a guy who would always be there. Unlike my—”

  Shay stopped mid-sentence. “Gabriel, what happened? Sam was so excited and happy in my vision. He clearly gave the locket to my mom. And he wasn’t freaked by the idea of a baby. He was talking about diapers and everything. Why did he abandon her?”

  Gabriel froze. That question felt like a knife to his heart. He couldn’t answer it; he would never answer it for her. He could imagine the hatred that would appear on her face, her beautiful face.

  “I don’t know,” Gabriel said. “Sam left the family. All he wanted was to be with her. I never saw him again, but I didn’t expect to. He couldn’t be with a human and be a part of the family,” Gabriel explained. His heart felt like it had turned to granite; it was that heavy.

  “You didn’t want him to be with her,” Shay said, sliding her hand out of his. “I felt how badly you wanted to stop him. You would have done almost anything.”

  “True.” There was no point in denying it. She had looked so deeply inside him. Gabriel thought if she kept drinking his blood, she’d know him better than anyone, even Sam, even Ernst. “I didn’t want him to leave the family. I didn’t want to lose him. And I would have done anything to change his mind.” If only he’d been able to.

  “But he loved her so much. I know you saw that. I was there with you when he showed you this.” Shay lifted the locket’s chain, so the locket swung from her fingertips. Gabriel wished he had never seen it. If Sam hadn’t shown it to him, everything might be different. Shay might have been able to grow up with her father. And if Sam had figured out that his blood was her cure, she would have had her life, not the half-life she’d had to live because of her illness. There is no illness, he reminded himself. All her symptoms came from being half-vampire.

  Gabriel realized Shay was waiting for a better explanation. “For us it is taboo,” he said. “It’s almost unthinkable, like cannibalism, like sleeping with the dead.”

  “That’s how you feel about loving a human? Wanting to be with one?” Shay sounded appalled.

  He struggled with what to say. “I didn’t mean—I wasn’t trying to say that it’s repulsive or abhorrent.”

  “Cannibalism? Necrophilia? Repulsive and abhorrent.” Shay’s voice was like a whip. He’d hurt her. Again.

  “I was just trying to express how deeply the law is ingrained. Law isn’t a strong enough word. What Sam did was verboten.” He studied her face. Had he made her understand?

  “I’m sure my grandparents wouldn’t have been too happy about their daughter doing it with an undead bloodsucker,” Shay shot back.

  Gabriel knew she’d wanted to hurt him, and she had. But he’d hurt her, too, with his own careless words. He didn’t comment.

  “Just her having me was bad enough,” Shay continued. “They disowned her. I’ve never even met them.”

  So much pain. It would have been a million times better if Sam and Emma had found each other repellent. But Sam had always had an open heart. It seemed the same was true for Shay’s mother. With parents like those, no wonder Shay had broken him out of Martin’s prison. No wonder she had returned to nurse him through the poisoning, even after he had taken her hostage. No wonder she had been able to look at him and see a person, not a monster.

  “Sam would be proud of you,” Gabriel said. The words just slipped out. And they were true. She was so like him. Rescuing that beat-up toy from the dollar store, that was a Sam thing. Except that Sam rescued people. He loved that part of being in the family, being able to make a home for unloved children.

  “And he’d never have left your mother of his own free will,” Gabriel continued. “He would never have abandoned you. Believe it, Shay. Remember what you saw. That was true. Sam couldn’t wait to begin a life with your mother.”

  “My mom. What are you going to do about my mom?” Shay asked. “I know you said it won’t have anything to do with me, but everything to do with her has to do with me.”

  “I could never hurt anyone Sam loved, I promise you that,” Gabriel said. “I’m not even sure anymore what she saw when she looked at me. There was such intense hatred in her, but maybe it was less about her seeing me as an evil creature. Maybe she was looking at me and being reminded of the man she believed abandoned her.”

  “She does hate him,” Shay admitted. “She can hardly talk about him, it makes her so crazy. I’m still reeling. All my life I’ve thought my dad had no interest in even taking a look at me. You’re sure he didn’t just go to another family or something?”

  “I knew Sam for hundreds of years. If he was alive, he would have returned to you and your mother,” Gabriel swore. He knew it was true.

  Shay slid down to the floor, her back against the hay bale. “He loved her even though he wasn’t supposed to,” she murmured. “Even after the massacre of your family, Sam was able to fall in love with a human.”

  “Sam was a rare person. Your mother must be too,” Gabriel said.

  “Didn’t it make you think that maybe things could change between us, between vampires and humans?” Shay asked.

  Gabriel tried to think of what Ernst would say. Ernst would know how to explain it to her. Right now, Gabriel wasn’t sure he could.

  Shay sighed, then changed the subject. “Is there any way I can cure myself—now that I know what I am? All that’s keeping me alive is your blood.”

  “And you’ll have it as long as you need it. Until we figure something out,” Gabriel promised.

  “Which means as far as you know, there’s no cure,” Shay said.

  “No. But there are scientists in my family. We’re all scientists,” he said.

  “Bat scientists,” Shay pointed out.

  “I want to bring you home with me.” Something loosened inside Gabriel, knowing that he wouldn’t have to let her go too soon. “We’ll work on it. There’s never been a reason to search for a cure before, but—”

  Shay cut him off. “Because I’m not supposed to exist. I’m the product of the unthinkable. And you’re probably right about humans. Not all, but a lot. I’m sure there are millions who’d like to keep me in a lab and examine me. Martin would. Martin did, I guess. Our whole house, our whole life as a so-called
family, was just one big lab experiment to him.” Shay shook her head. “Although if he had to choose between the two of us, you’d win.”

  “That’s why Martin is a danger, to both of us.”

  “Not only him. I’ll never be able to let anyone know the truth about me.” Shay looked at him steadily. “You said you wouldn’t hurt my mom. You didn’t say anything about Martin.”

  Gabriel let his silence answer her. She nodded.

  “Are you sure about bringing me home? Your family might not—”

  Gabriel pushed down his doubts. “You’re Sam’s daughter. That makes you one of us.”

  Shay smiled, one of her smiles that covered up years of hurt. “I’ve always been a freak girl. Now at least I’ll be a more interesting type of freak. Step right up! Come see the half-human, half-vampire!”

  “Would you stop that? You’re not the Sick Girl. You’re not a freak,” Gabriel said sharply. “You’re not like anyone else, but you’re not a freak. You’re amazing. You’re … rare.”

  “I’m not one thing or the other, though. It’s like I suddenly have no place. Not even my old Sick Girl–mascot place. Or my new messed-up, kissed-her-best-friend’s-boyfriend place,” Shay said. “You say all humans hate vampires. And that vampires believe any contact with humans is taboo. Where does that leave me?” She immediately answered her own question. “All alone.”

  “You won’t be alone. I won’t let you be alone.”

  “Right, you’ll be keeping me alive with your blood. I saved your life; you save mine,” Shay answered.

  “Yes. No. Your saving my life is part of it. It showed me something about you. It—”

  It showed me that you’re incredible, Gabriel thought, the realization striking like a bolt of lightning, bright and frightening. It showed me that you care about me as much as I care about you.

  Gabriel shook his head. “It showed me your compassion. It showed me your heart.” He had to get out of there. He couldn’t be so close to her. Not right now, when a terrifying truth was worming its way into his mind. “I … I’m going to go look for some firewood.” He rushed out of the barn before she could offer to go with him. He needed at least a little time alone to get control of himself, of his emotions. Of his desire for Shay. A human.

  He should be back by now, Shay thought. Not that she needed to worry about Gabriel anymore. He had his strength and energy back, and there was nothing out there in the night that could hurt him.

  But it was a lot simpler to worry about Gabriel than to think about the rest of her life. She was half-vampire. And her mother knew that. Her mother had been in love with a vampire. Her mother had had an entire secret life that Shay had known nothing about.

  Shay was on information overload. She felt dizzy with it. She pulled her cell out of her pocket. The desire to hear her mother’s voice was suddenly overwhelming. She hit the speed-dial number.

  Her mother picked up, sounding breathless. “Shay! Oh God, Shay, are you all right?”

  “I’m fine,” Shay answered. “I’m really, truly fine, Mom.” Her eyes pricked with tears. “And I’m sorry. I said some horrible things to you.”

  “What you saw in the lab—I know how shocking it looked. I’m sure you couldn’t understand,” her mother said.

  “Yeah.” Shay tried to come up with a way to express it, but failed. “Yeah, it was.”

  “It really isn’t what you think,” Mom began.

  Shay didn’t want to hear the rationalizations. What her mom had done to Gabriel was still unfathomable to her. “I can’t talk about it right now.” Shay understood so much better than she had, and her heart ached for her mother. But she wasn’t ready to go into all the secrets, all the lies her mother had told her.

  “Where are you, baby? We don’t have to talk. Tell me where you are, and I’ll come get you, and I promise I won’t say a word until you want me to—about anything.”

  Shay closed her eyes, tears spilling down her cheeks. No matter how much she missed Mom, Shay couldn’t give her the slightest idea of where she was or where she was going. If she did, her mother would come for her. Gabriel wouldn’t hurt her mom now that he knew the truth, but what about his family? They all hated humans so much—with good reason.

  “I can’t tell you, Mom,” she said. Her mother gave a little cry, and Shay felt her heart shredding. “But I promise I’m okay. And I love you. I love you so much. I know that everything you did, you did for me.”

  Shay hung up before her mother could reply. She knew if she stayed on the phone much longer, it would all come spilling out, even her plan to go with Gabriel to his family.

  Her cell rang, and Shay was sure her mother would call, and call, and call. She wouldn’t stop calling until Shay answered. Shay turned the phone off. “Love you, Mom,” she whispered.

  Why wasn’t Gabriel back? How long did it take a superfast, superstrong vampire to get some wood?

  Everything’s going to be different between us tomorrow, she found herself thinking. It won’t ever be like this with Gabriel again. Just him and me, in our own world—not the human one, not the vampire one.

  What would happen if she told him the truth? If she came out and told him she had feelings for him? Shay felt her heart skitter as she tried to imagine it.

  No, she wasn’t going there. She’d been needing Gabriel’s blood more and more often. It wasn’t going to keep working forever. She was still dying, and not all the scientists in the world could save her in time. Maybe half-human, half-vampire people weren’t supposed to live. So why tell him how she felt when they had no future? Telling him could only hurt them both.

  But maybe she could have something. A night. A night when they were between worlds. If he would only come back already.

  Gabriel took a deep breath and walked back into the barn. He’d gathered up some firewood and found an old metal oil drum to burn it in. Then he’d just wandered around, not ready to come back. As if he could stop wanting Shay, if he only walked long enough.

  “Hi,” she said. He loved her voice. Her loved her blue eyes. He loved the way she was looking at him right now. The walking hadn’t changed anything.

  “Hi,” he said back. He set the empty oil drum near the hay bales they were using as seats and dumped the firewood inside. He tossed in some dry hay as kindling.

  “Did you find any matches out there?” Shay asked. There was a slight tremor in her voice. Why wouldn’t there be? She’d had a lot of shocks in the past several days. And she was probably nervous about going to his family tomorrow.

  “I don’t need them,” Gabriel answered. He pulled two small sticks back out of the oil drum and rubbed them together. With his strength and speed, it was easy to quickly get them smoldering. The hay went up in flames as soon as he returned the smoking sticks to the drum.

  “Nice,” Shay said.

  Gabriel sat down on one of the bales. He didn’t know what to do with himself. How could he make small talk with her, when all he wanted to do was grab her and never let her go? But that could never happen. That would be madness. It was verboten.

  Shay walked over to the hay bale where he sat and stood in front of him.

  “What?” Gabriel asked. Did she have to stand so close? Her scent was making him weak with hunger and desire.

  “This.” In response, she tunneled her hands into his hair and tilted his head back. She leaned down and brought her lips close to his, until they were a breath away.

  “This,” Gabriel repeated. He didn’t pull back, but he didn’t close the slight distance between them. If he kissed her, he’d be done for. He had to get control of his feelings, and if he kissed her, he didn’t think he’d ever be able to.

  “You inspired me, remember? You made me want to feel everything. I want to feel this—with you,” Shay said.

  Get up. Go back outside. Or tell her you don’t want her, Gabriel ordered himself. But his body—his emotions—weren’t taking instructions from his brain.

  “While we’re not wi
th the humans. While we’re not with the vampires. While for a little while longer, we’re just Shay and Gabriel,” she continued.

  Gabriel closed the slight distance between their lips. It might be the stupidest thing he’d ever done, but he couldn’t stop himself. The rest of the wall he’d built up to keep his feelings at bay crashed down. He wanted to feel all of this, every detail—the smell of her, the soft sweetness of her mouth, the feel of her hands as they moved to cup his face.

  He wanted more, more closeness, more of her. He brushed his tongue across her lips, and they parted. He groaned low in his throat as her tongue met his. The taste of her was intoxicating. The more he had, the more he wanted. Shay lowered herself to his lap, straddling him.

  Gabriel slid his hands from her waist up under her shirt. His fingers were hungry for her skin. God, she was perfect, her skin like silk, but warm. Shay gasped as his hands moved higher, sliding over the lacy cups of her bra. Slow, slow, take it slow, he told himself. This was an experience to savor, not gulp down.

  But Shay was impatient. She slid her hands under her own shirt, nudged his away, and unfastened the front clasp of her bra. She shoved the cloth aside, giving him complete access. As he learned the shape of her, Shay began unbuttoning his shirt. She ran her hands across his bare chest, as though her fingers were just as hungry as his were. When she lightly bit his nipple, he felt his self-control snap. Next time could be slow. He needed her now.

  Gabriel stood, swinging Shay off his lap, and setting her on her feet. He ripped open the bale of hay he’d been sitting on, spreading it out in a thick pile. He found another horse blanket and spread it out on top, then he turned back to Shay, and held out his hand.

  She smiled at him as she put her hand in his. She lowered herself to the blanket, gently pulling him down with her.

  Feel everything. Remember everything, Gabriel told himself. This night had to last him forever.