“Um, do you want me to make supper or something? Or hold him while you do it?”
“I have some soup in the fridge, just needs to be heated.”
“Can I throw it in the microwave then hold him for awhile?”
“Sure, he’s your kid. Hold him whenever you want.” Ellen crossed the room and handed him the blanket she had over her shoulder, then shifted Jeremy into his arms. “I’ll take care of supper.”
James smiled as he looked down at his son. Ellen was very protective of the baby so he didn’t get to lay hands on him often.
The next day, while performing a routine check on the firetrucks with Roy, James found himself complaining about his relationship with Ellen. “It’s just that she has no interest in me. I mean, I didn’t think I was that bad of a guy, but she still won’t come anywhere near me.” James opened the hood on the pumper.
Roy looked at him. “Can I be straight with you?”
“Of course.”
“You might not like this.”
“That’s okay”
“Good.” Roy smiled, then became serious. “James, I know you’re frustrated, I would be too, but you have to understand something.”
“What?”
“Sex is for marriage and you decided not to wait for it.”
“So?”
“So, you messed up and now you’re paying the consequences.” Roy wiped his hands with a rag while looking levelly at James. “I’m not saying God didn’t plan Jeremy’s life and I’m not saying that He can’t forgive you and give you a fresh start, but you’re never going to be able to go back.”
“But it was so hard. It wasn’t even all my fault, it just happened.”
“True, but you let it happen.” Roy leaned against the truck’s running board. “James, what happens when you light a match.”
“It burns.”
“And if you drop it on some kind of fuel.”
“It starts a fire. Roy, I don’t have time for this.” James turned away.
“Yes, you do.” Roy’s voice was surprisingly harsh and James turned back to him in surprise, wisely keeping any smart comments to himself. “You seem to have time to complain about how your wife isn’t meeting your needs. Have you ever thought of meeting hers?”
“I don’t know what she wants. If she’d just...”
“If she’d just what? Pay you for all you’ve done for her? Seriously James. Grow up.”
“What?” James looked at him in surprise. Roy was never afraid of speaking the truth, but he was rarely blunt about it.
“I said, grow up. You want her to give in to you, maybe you’d better give in to her first.”
“Roy, if she gave me any inkling that she wanted to...”
Roy cut him off. “I’m not talking physical here James.”
“Then what are you talking about?”
“A woman needs you to care about her feelings, her emotions.”
“Well she has plenty of those, which ones am I supposed to care about?”
“All of them.”
“That’s crazy.”
“It might be, but I’m sure you had enough Sunday School to know about agape love. You know, the unconditional stuff?”
“I guess.” James’s shoulders slumped and he felt defeated.
“Don’t get me wrong here. I’m not trying to judge you.”
“Just rain hellfire and brimstone on me because I’m human.”
“Buddy, we’re all human. I’m not going to stand here and say I’m not tempted.” Roy pushed the truck’s hood back into place and strapped the driver’s side down. “Think about it James. You gotta show her she can trust you.”
James strapped the other side of the hood. “I guess.”
Roy strode around the truck. “You need to treat her like she’s the queen of the world. Show her she’s the only one who means anything to you.”
“That’s not as easy as it sounds.”
“I know. And I know I probably sound like I’m picking on you, but I’m not trying to.” He hugged James and thumped him on the back. “I’ll be praying you make the right decision.” Roy headed for the door. “I’d better get home, Lisa’s probably got supper ready. See you later.”
His conversation with Roy was still on his mind as James unloaded the dishwasher that night. He could tell Ellen had a bad headache, though she hadn’t complained. She was sitting on the couch, facing the bay window and watching the sunset.
Reaching under the sink, James picked up the dish soap, turned on the tap, and added soap to the running water. He dumped the pots into the sink to soak and took a cloth to wipe down the table and counter.
“James, I have a personal question, and I want a straight answer.”
James rinsed the pot he was washing and put it on the drain tray, then turned to look at her. “Okay shoot.”
“How many women have you slept with?”
He sighed. She wasn’t kidding about it being a personal question. “Three. Then you.”
“What do you mean, then me?” She was regarding him with an almost bored expression.
“Well, the other three were when I was a senior in highschool. It’s been a long time.”
“I guess.” She rubbed her forehead. “Did they get pregnant too?”
“No, we used protection. Why are you asking this?”
“I just wanted to know.”
“There has to be a reason.” James dried his hands on a towel.
“Well, I don’t know, I just, well.”
“It was the first time for you, wasn’t it?” James crossed the room and sat down on the end of the couch.
“Yeah, how did you know?”
“Lucky guess.” James looked into her eyes gently. “Do you still regret it?”
“I think I’ll always regret it, but it’s different now, because if that night hadn’t happened, we wouldn’t have Jeremy, and I really love him.”
James nodded slowly. “I was doing some thinking today, and I owe you an apology. I never should’ve pushed you when you weren’t ready. I’m sorry.”
“That’s just it, it’s not your fault. You never forced me. I was in total agreement at the time. It wasn’t until the next morning when I realized what had happened.”
“We’re both at fault for it, but I never should’ve put you in the position I put you in. I was being selfish and just thinking of what I wanted.”
“Why did you want it? Why me?”
“You are, a very beautiful woman. And you’re smart, and funny, and you weren’t chasing me like the other girls you work with.” James smiled. “You were a challenge begging to be conquered.”
“So it was some sort of ego trip?” Ellen looked angry.
“No, it was never that way. It was just a pleasure trip. I knew it would make me feel good, so I went for it. I thought you’d be okay with that.”
“I was when it happened,” Ellen said quietly.
James looked at the floor. “It made me feel sick when I realized how upset you were about it. I never meant to hurt you. I often wish we could go back and make it right. Maybe we could’ve dated awhile longer, and things would’ve been different.”
“Do you regret that we’re married.”
James looked her squarely in the eye. “No, I don’t. Not in the least.”
Chapter 12
James pulled Ellen closer as her cool fingers glided across his bare chest. She leaned toward him, about to kiss him, when he woke up. He sighed in frustration. Of course it was only a dream. He untangled himself from the covers and rolled over on his side, trying to relax and go back to sleep. It was unlikely Ellen was dreaming about him. Obviously his conversations with Roy and Ellen had brought the subject forcefully to mind.
He was still awake half an hour later when he heard her crying. James got up and walked to her door. He knocked gently. “Can I come in.”
“Yes.”
James pushed the door open and stepped into her room. “What’s wrong?”
&n
bsp; “Nothing.”
“It can’t be nothing.”
“It’s nothing you’d care about.”
“Try me.”
“It’s silly. You should go back to bed.”
“I can’t sleep anyway.”
“Nightmares?”
“No, good dreams about you.”
“Really? About what.”
“It’s not important. Can I sit down?”
“Okay.”
James sat on the edge of the bed and looked into her eyes. “I really want to know what’s bothering you.”
“I’m scared. About us.”
“Why?”
“Well, if we can’t somehow work out our differences, we’re going to make awful parents.”
“Jeremy’s only three months old, we have lots of time.”
“Do we really? I want to be a good mom, and I want him to have a good dad, and well, if we can’t get along with each other, he’s going to see that and it won’t be right.”
James put his hand on her arm “What do you need me to do?”
“I need to feel like you really love me.”
“Give me a chance and I’ll show you.”
“No, not like that. I have to feel a deeper connection with you before I can have sex with you.”
James sighed. “I’m trying to understand, but honestly, I don’t. I want to, but I don’t even know where to start.”
“Admitting that was a good start.”
“Really?”
“Yes, I didn’t know you felt that way.”
“It’s all about feelings isn’t it?” James was thoughtful. “Well, what’s one thing I could do that would make you feel good?”
“Well, I like backrubs, and sunsets, and you look hot when you wash dishes.”
James smiled. “That’s three things.” He raised on eyebrow. “I’d be good for the backrub now.”
“You have to work in the morning, you should go back to bed.”
“Ten minutes.”
“Okay.”
They talked for an hour before they both got sleepy. Ellen fell asleep first. James planned to only wait until he was sure she was asleep enough he wouldn’t wake her up when he left, but he only managed to drift off himself.
When Ellen woke up the next morning, she was snuggled against something warm and firm. She shifted, realizing her back was against James’ chest. He must’ve fallen asleep after she did. His arm was thrown carelessly across her waist and he was still sound asleep. She slipped out of bed and headed for the bathroom. Maybe she could have a quick shower before Jeremy woke up screaming.
James woke with a start and realized he was still in Ellen’s room. She was gone, so there was no way to deny it. She was going to kill him. He’d promised he’d leave. Hearing the shower running, he headed for his own room and got dressed, almost scared to face her. The shower stopped and he heard Ellen humming and talking to Jeremy moments later. He snuck into the kitchen and started the coffee maker.
“Good morning James.” Ellen appeared in the doorway. Her hair wet and falling loose around her shoulders and Jeremy was in her arms.
“Good morning. Lecture me if you want.”
“Why?”
“Well, I fell asleep in your bed after I promised I’d leave.”
“Yeah, that’s okay.” Ellen sat at the table.
“Really?”
“Yeah, it was fine, we should do it again sometime.”
“Sure, well, maybe we can sleep in my room next time?”
“I might not hear Jeremy when he cries.”
“It’s on the other side of the wall.”
“True.”
“You know, you need to get over being scared of my room. It’s not off limits to you, it’s just another room in the house.”
“Yeah, well...”
“Com’on Ellen. What is there to be afraid of? Is it because of what happened?”
“No, I guess, well your moose is creepy.”
“My moose?”
“Yeah, that big fury thing with horns.”
“Antlers.”
“Whatever. It’s weird.”
“Yeah, and it’s an elk, not a moose.”
“Oh, I guess I don’t know the difference. Did you shoot it?”
James shook his head. “No, actually, my aunt bought it for my grandfather at an estate sale. I guess Grandma wasn’t a big fan of it either, so he let me put it in my room.” James stirred his coffee. “I’m glad you’re not mad at me.”
“Why would I be mad?”
“Oh, I don’t know, forget I mentioned it.”
“James, I think Jeremy is sick.” Ellen met him at the door when he got home from work that night.
“He can’t be, he’s only a couple of months old.”
“He’s really hot and he won’t stop crying.” Ellen’s eyes were full of fear.
“Give him some baby Tylenol or something.”
“I did, and his fever went down but he’s still really upset.”
“Maybe we’ll have to just let him cry it out.” Jeremy had been crying since James walked in, and now started to scream.
“I’d better go pick him up.”
Jeremy quieted long enough for them to have supper, then commenced screaming again. James tried to watch TV, knowing Ellen likely didn’t want his help, but eventually, she came into the living room, baby in her arms and looking close to tears herself.
“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, he’s never done this before.”
“Here.” James held out his arms and took the baby. Ellen slumped down beside him and he took the blanket she had draped over her shoulder and placed it over his own. “Com’on, relax little buddy.” James patted the baby’s back. “You think he’s colicky or something?”
“Maybe.”
“Maybe I’ll walk around with him a bit.”
“I tried that.”
“Maybe he’ll like TV?” James reached for the remote and changed the channel to the kids station.
“James, he doesn’t need to watch TV.”
“Fine.” James reached for the remote again as Jeremy spit up on him. “Great.”
“I’ll get you another blanket.”
“How ‘bout another shirt,” James said wryly as he sponged his shirt with the blanket. Jeremy fussed for a few more minutes, then fell sound asleep against James’s shoulder.
“How did you get him asleep?” Ellen asked, returning with the clean blanket.
“Guess he just feels better now.”
Ellen sat down beside him and in a rare moment of affection, shifted towards him and rested her head against his shoulder. “He looks like he’s really comfortable with you.” She whispered.
“As long as he’s not crying what does it matter?”
“True.” Ellen sighed deeply, and snuggled against him.
James was almost afraid to move for fear of disturbing either of them. It took only moments before Ellen herself was asleep. James smiled as he shifted his arm around her carefully. She unconsciously leaned heavier against him. Roy’s earlier words drifted through his mind and his smile faded. Maybe this was part of what he was talking about. He smiled again. What could be better? His wife and baby were both sleeping in his arms. Roy’s words had cut a bit, he’d admit that, but at the same time, he’d known his friend was right.
He couldn’t deny that he’d wondered what it would’ve been like if he hadn’t asked Ellen to have sex that night. Maybe they would’ve really fallen in love, and she’d trust him now. Babies could’ve come later.
He looked down at Jeremy’s fuzzy little head. He’d been taught God worked things out for good. Maybe Jeremy was part of that. Even if he did cry and spit up on him.
James sat quietly for the better part of an hour as his mind went over the questions. Would God ever love him again? No, his rejection of God all these years had to be too much. Would Ellen ever love him? Could he ever get this life thing right?
After awhile, James
carefully got up, expecting to wake Ellen up. She didn’t stir. James carried sleeping Jeremy to Ellen’s room and laid him in his crib. He stood and watched the baby sleep for a long time, feeling the responsibility of teaching this boy the right things. He wasn’t sure he was able.
Ellen woke up to Jeremy’s cries but didn’t realize where she was. Then she remembered falling asleep while James was holding the baby. He must’ve brought her the blanket. She threw it off and headed toward the baby, only to find James already holding him.
“I didn’t want him to wake you up. You looked tired,” James said in explanation.
“Thank you.”
“Since you’re up, I think he’s hungry.”
“He probably is. It’s a little earlier than usual, but he didn’t really eat last night.” Ellen reached for the baby, then settled into the rocking chair and began to nurse him. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, why?”
“You’re more distant than usual.”
“I thought you liked me distant. I know you don’t trust me.” It was an accusation.
“Of course I trust you,” Ellen said curtly. “I know you’re going to provide for me and Jeremy, I’m just not ready to, well,”
James sighed. “I know. And it’s my fault.” He sat down on her bed facing her. “I was going over it in my mind last night and I just well, I don’t know what I should’ve done, I just wish I’d never hurt you.” His eyes were vulnerable.
Ellen moved Jeremy to her shoulder and rubbed his back. “You mean that?”
“Yeah. If I stuck with the task at hand and not kissed you in the woods, we might not be in this mess.”
“It’s not entirely your fault. I was willing to let you do it.”
“But I shouldn’t have asked you too.”
“God will forgive you James.”
“I just don’t know. I’m still struggling with trying to figure out this God thing.”
“James, if you’d just stop being so blind, God would reveal Himself to you.”
“I know I love you, and I love Jeremy, but I’m just so confused right now.”
“Then I don’t know what else to do about you,” Ellen said, defeated.
“Ellen, I...” His pager went off and she watched him shift gears as he did every time he went on a call. He raced for the door, slipping on his boots as the dispatcher’s voice came over the speaker, calling the volunteers to a reported structure fire.
Married For Jeremy (Under Fire Book 1) Page 10