by Brandt Legg
Mostly we just watched the concert and waved to a few people from school. Kyle asked what Spencer said about the stuff from Dad’s desk, but with everything that happened at the beach I totally forgot about it. I would do it at our next meeting on Friday.
Amber slid into the booth next to me. Even here, with so many college students, heads actually turned when she came into the room. Everyone noticed her sparkling beauty, but she never flaunted her looks. It was more about energy for her, as if she was always seeking the magic she believed existed in every moment. She was as passionate about New Age and metaphysics as Kyle was about philosophy and quantum physics. I sat there for a minute while the others talked. I’d read an article that described her mother as alluring and magnetic on the screen, attributes that Amber inherited, but where did she get her sensitivity? Not from the parents I saw profiled in the tabloids.
“Can I crash at your place tonight? They’re watching my house.”
“If you promise to tell me everything that happened this weekend,” she said.
“I’ll give it a shot, but that’ll make for a long night.”
“Who needs sleep?”
“It’s a scaaandal,” Kyle chimed.
Amber must have seen me tense up as we pulled up to her house and found its front door open and a strange car in the driveway. “Don’t worry, it’s just my sister’s boyfriend. They’re heading back to San Francisco.”
“Hi Rod,” Amber said as we passed him.
He smiled and nodded, then tossed a couple of bags in his backseat.
“Bridge, you remember Nate?” Amber said to her sister in the front hall.
“Sure, Nate, hi. How’s Dustin?” Bridgette Mayes wasn’t quite as beautiful as her younger sister, but by any other measure, she was gorgeous. She’d been crazy about Dustin, and his breakdown hit her hard. As far as I knew she hadn’t seen or talked to him since. Other than looks, I never understood what he saw in her. Where Amber was engaging and sincere, Bridgette was more like a cardboard cutout that talked in sound bites.
“He’s hanging in there,” I said.
“Good to hear. Okay, we’re out of here, Amber. I’ll call you tomorrow. Now you two don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”
“So anything goes then?”
“Pretty much.” She was laughing as the door closed.
Amber let me grab a shower, which I desperately needed. After talking more about Lightyear, Spencer, and the weekend, we read to each other out of her growing New Age library. She was in awe of how, while I was reading something to her, I was absorbing the entire volume at the same time.
“We took our textbooks on the road trip, and not only did I memorize all of mine but Kyle’s and Linh’s, too!” I said.
Around ten my exhaustion was winning, and Amber set me up in the guest room. “The doors are all locked and I even set the code on the driveway gate so it can’t be opened except from the house. No one from Lightyear has a clue you’re here, so rest well,” Amber said.
The Outview was long and tragic. I tried to turn away from the death, but like the slave trader episode, things got uglier. I was a kid fighting and stealing food from other children during the Black Plague of Europe in the mid 1300s. Death, disease, hunger, and violence were everywhere.
“Nate! It’s okay. You’re okay.” Amber was there. “You’re at my house in Ashland. You’re safe.”
“Oh man, it was awful,” I said trembling.
“Come on,” she took my hand and led me to her room.
“What?” I asked standing next to her bed. The blue light of a digital clock announced 3:18.
“Get in. You’re sleeping with me.” Before I could argue she got under the covers and pulled me beside her, hugging against my back, a leg between mine with her arms wrapped around my shoulder and waist. I had on only a pair of sweatpants, she was wearing the lightest sleep-shorts and matching spaghetti-strap top.
“Do you want to talk about it?” she whispered.
“No. I want to forget about it. I want to forget all my past lives.”
Amber felt like sunshine when you come out of a cold lake. The Outviews, Lightyear, and everything else vanished in her softness as she pressed into me. Neither of us spoke, but I knew she was awake, her warm breath somewhere around my neck. I could turn and kiss her easily. I thought about it. In fact, that’s almost all I could think about, which was a glorious change, liberation from the hauntings of my mind. That’s probably the only reason I didn’t make a move. I was afraid to stop the wonderful pause from my crazy world. Amber was protecting me. And out of my ordeal somehow I learned that the purity of her gesture was better than any sex.
The next thing I knew it was 5:51. Amber was still asleep, one arm across my waist. We needed to get moving, but I didn’t want this to end, didn’t want to go back into the world. Today I needed to convince Mom to get Dustin out. I had more confidence since the night in the woods and my time with Spencer, but I decided not to tell her about my powers or Dad’s murder yet. That would certainly confuse the issue of bringing Dustin home. I couldn’t see her until after school and that was assuming the Lightyear guys didn’t get me first. By 5:59 the stress destroyed the soft mood Amber had created in the night.
“Amber,” I said gently. “We should get up.”
“All right. Are you okay?” she said, sleepily.
“Yeah. Thanks for last night.”
“De nada.”
“Hey, how come you don’t have a boyfriend?” I asked. It was almost a minute before she answered, and I thought my question offended her.
“Because no one really knows the real me.” We were quiet and then she asked, “How come you don’t have a girlfriend.”
“Because I don’t even know the real me, and handling one more thing right now would be impossible.”
28
Tuesday, September 23
We drove by school twice and decided everything looked okay. Spencer’s warning that these people would kill a whole school full of kids kept me alert. “I’ll be fine,” I said, but I wasn’t really sure.
Pop quiz in Algebra II. The groans around the room normally would have included me, but it was enjoyable, and the test in chemistry was fun. The only problem was not finishing too early. Vising changed my whole outlook on school. I was excited about English class, where I knew Mr. James would call on me because he was sure I hadn’t read the assigned book, Catcher in the Rye.
“Dustin, could you tell me who Luce is?”
“Sure, Mr. Jim.” Laughter from the other students.
“Hold on, funny man, my name is not Mr. Jim.”
“I know. And mine’s not Dustin.”
“It’s not?” He looked at his attendance book. “You are correct, Nathan, isn’t that unusual? Now see if you can tell me who Luce is.”
“Luce is a friend of Holden’s. They talk a lot about girls. Holden thinks Luce is cool. And Luce told him to get a girlfriend.”
“Where did they meet?”
“In a bar.”
“I see you have read an online summary of the book, Mr. Ryder. I frown on that. I consider it cheating.”
“I didn’t read an online summary.”
“Cliff Notes, then.”
“No. Ask me any question you want.” He asked me thirty-seven questions until the bell rang ending class, each one answered correctly.
“Nice to see you finally read a book, Mr. Ryder. I’m not surprised Catcher in the Rye appealed to you. We’ll see how well you do with Shakespeare. Class dismissed.”
Amber found me at lunch. “Are we going to sleep together again tonight?” she whispered.
“The scandals if anyone heard what you just said,” I teased. “I might just start the rumor myself.” I could hear Kyle saying it now in a falsetto.
“I’ll just deny it, and who do you think they’re going to believe?” She laughed.
My French teacher called on me and asked in French if I’d done my homework.
“Oui,�
�� I answered.
“Très bon. S'il vous plaît dites-moi quelle est ta couleur préférée?” she asked.
“J'aime la couleur grise,’” I answered. She was quite surprised.
“Quels aliments que vous aimez?”
“J'aime la pizza et des frites françaises et des tasses de beurre d'arachide, mais seulement pour le petit déjeuner.”
She laughed. We talked like that back and forth for five minutes. Several students started clapping. When they settled down, she called on someone else and we got back to a normal class. At the end of the period she asked me to stay.
“Cela était tout à fait une démonstration de la fluidité. Comment avez-vous fait cela, Nathan?”
“Vraiment, c'est pas une grosse affaire que je viens de passer beaucoup de temps avec ce livre,” I said.
She gave me a disbelieving look but then said in French that she might have to transfer me to French IV.
Kyle was waiting in the hall. “Do you really think that was a good idea?”
“Probably not, but it sure was a lot of fun.”
Linh ran up to us. “There’s a black SUV with government plates out front, and I just saw some guy wearing a suit go into Little’s office.”
“That can’t be good. I’ll cut my last class and get out of here. I’ll see you guys later at the Station. Make sure you aren’t followed.” But as I shut my locker, I realized they could find me anywhere. If I’d known I was never going to return to Ashland High School again, I would have said goodbye to my history teacher, Mr. Anderson.
29
Before going into the restaurant, I went behind the building and tried Vising to read a large tree that was across from the loading dock. If I could just see what happened the day my dad died. Instead, I saw him several times, but all were weeks or months before his death. I headed in to see Mom.
“Hey Nate,” Josh said, looking up from his paperwork. “Out of school a little early?”
“Yeah, I blew off gym.”
“I don’t blame you.” He laughed. “Your mom should be here any time now.”
I asked to see the plans for changing the kitchen. Afterward he showed me some photos from a recent trip to the Southwest. Josh gave me my first camera for my ninth birthday. Mom thought I’d break it—being tough on toys was a habit—but that digital camera woke me up to the details of the world. I took hundreds of shots a day. Eventually the shutter button wore out, but by then I was hooked. Josh helped me start selling my early photos. I think he and Dad actually bought the first twenty or so, but they told me strangers did.
When Mom showed up, Josh excused himself. “How was your trip?” she asked, putting down her briefcase and water bottle.
“I saw Dustin this weekend.”
“You what?” she gasped. “How did you find out where he was?”
“It wasn’t hard. You should have taken me to see him a long time ago.”
“Nate, I don’t like you being dishonest with me.”
“Don’t you think not letting me see my brother for more than two years qualifies as dishonest? Maybe even cruel and unusual.”
“I don’t have to defend my decisions to you. I’ve done what is best for both of you.”
That was highly debatable, but it wasn’t going well and I needed to stay calm. “That doesn’t matter anymore. All that’s important is getting Dustin out.”
“He’s not ready.”
“That’s a lie. I talked to him. He’s perfectly fine. You’re just trying to lock your problems away.”
“How dare you, Nathan! If your father was alive, you would never speak to me this way.”
“If my father was alive, Dustin would not be wasting away in an asylum.”
“That’s not fair.” Her voice shaking, “Dustin’s a mess. If he gets out of there he’ll start using drugs and end up trying to kill himself again.”
“So it makes more sense for him to choose the drugs he wants instead of the poison they give him? Better to kill himself than let those stupid doctors do it.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about. Everything isn’t so simple. If you think he’s fine that’s because of what Mountain View has done for him. He has complex problems, brain disorders, addictions, serious issues. We’re not equipped to handle that, I’m hardly ever home as it is.”
“I’ve noticed.”
“That’s a cheap shot, Nate.”
“I don’t even want to get into that.”
She wiped tears from her eyes. “I’ve really tried to do a decent job with you boys. It’s not easy. I’m sorry if you think I’m no good.”
“If you’re really sorry, then get him out of there. What kind of mother lets her son be tortured?” I tried to soften my tone.
“They’re not doing electric shock therapy on him.”
“Not with electricity, but the chemicals are doing the same thing. Don’t you think it’s hypocritical that you eat organic food because you don’t want chemicals and pesticides in your body but you let them do that to him?”
“It’s not the same thing.”
“Tell me how it’s different. I mean, Mom, you don’t even use nonorganic here at the Station. But then, we all know your precious restaurant is more important to you than your kids.”
“Nathan, you’re so far over the line I don’t even know how to talk to you anymore. What happened to my sweet little boy? When did you get so angry?”
“When I got old enough to realize you’re screwing up my life.”
She just looked at me. There was a long silence. So much for me remaining cool. I think she glanced at the picture of my father on her desk. When she began to speak there were fresh tears in her eyes, but her voice was calm and gentle, “Nate, what’s going on?”
“I want Dustin out of that place.”
“I know, but what else is going on?”
“You mean, am I on drugs, going insane, a serial killer? You sound just like Mrs. Little.”
“That’s not what I asked. Please, just talk to me.” She walked around her desk and sat in the chair next to me. “You can trust me.”
“Trust is earned Mom. You can’t expect me to trust you after what you did to Dustin.”
“You were twelve when Dad died and fourteen when Dustin was committed. You don’t know everything that was going on. If I hadn’t committed Dustin, he’d be dead now. That much I know for sure.”
“What if you’re being sure isn’t enough? What if there’s another way? He’s older, I’m older, you are, too. Let’s bring him home and try.”
“I can’t handle it, Nate. I’ll screw it up, and Dustin will be worse off than ever.”
“Fine, he can stay with Aunt Rose.”
“Oh, Jesus, Nate. Your Aunt Rose is loony tunes. She and Dustin will wind up as some tragic tabloid story if I let that happen.”
“Nothing can be as awful than where he is now. Just let him try. Give it a week. Take it a day at a time. You owe him a chance.”
“I know.” I could barely hear her response.
“I’m begging you, Mom. I need my brother—we need each other.”
Another long silence. “Okay, Nate, I guess.” Defeated, she went on. “I could sign him out for a temporary home visit and see how it goes.” Her eyes were strained, tired.
We hugged for the first time since Dustin went away. She agreed that I could go with her to get him first thing in the morning. “We need the talking time,” she said.
We were going to get Dustin! I couldn’t wait to see the look on his face when we showed up to bring him home.
“I’m going to stay at Kyle’s tonight. We’re working on a research project, and because I’ll be missing school tomorrow, we need to get ahead.”
“Okay, can he drop you here on his way to school? I have a couple of things in the morning, real quick before we leave.” That was perfect because I couldn’t go near the house with the Lightyear guys out there, and I was looking forward to another night with Amber.
&
nbsp; I was out of clean clothes from the trip and didn’t want to wash them at Amber’s, so walked to the “Suds and Save,” a couple of blocks toward campus. A few college kids and some old ladies were the only ones in the place so it seemed safe. I pulled the weekend’s clothes from my backpack and got the wash going.
“Nathan, I thought I might find you here,” an old Spanish lady said to me.
“Not again,” I said out loud, certain I’d never seen this woman before in my life.
“In this life, no,” she said, reading my thoughts. “But we’ve known each other many times, you and I.”
“Are you one of my guides?” I asked, trying to move farther away so no one would hear.
“You are so young this time. I have traveled a long way to see you.”
“Where did you come from?”
“There are many stories from our past that you should know about. There is danger for you soon, no time today.”
“What danger? Do you know specifics?”
“It was on a ship the first time we met. And do you know that seven or nine lifetimes we knew each other in between, and then, the last time I saw you, on a ship again. Isn’t that something?”
“It would be interesting if I knew what you were talking about, and I don’t want to be rude. I mean I don’t know if we were married or brothers or maybe you were my mother. But that’s just it, I don’t remember. So, I’m sorry, but I’m pretty stressed right now and then you show up and you know me and maybe you could help. But you aren’t answering my questions.”
“It feels different. But you know I’ve been needing to see you since before you were born this time. More than twenty years ago I started the search to clear the karma. It wasn’t just for me, but because of what happened, Ignacio has suffered.”
“Just tell me what you’re talking about,” I begged.
“You know, I could have come last year, but you would have just thought me a crazy old woman, and so I waited.”
“You are a crazy old woman.” I laughed. “What do you want?”
“Forgiveness.”
“For what?”
She just stared, deep and sorrowful.