by Brandt Legg
80
Booker joined me a few minutes later. “Rough afternoon?”
“Yeah, how’d you know?”
“I’ve been sitting on the veranda, watching. Well, trying to work, but your antics have distracted me.”
“Can I ask your advice?”
“About Spencer?”
“No, about girls?”
He roared with laughter. “I was afraid of that. I’ve conquered the world of business, and I’ve bettered governments across the globe, but probably only because they’re dominated by men. We’re a simple lot, us guys. The female side of our species, on the other hand, is much more complicated, deeper, smarter, and... ” He patted my back, winking. “And more desirable, too.”
“Okay, so how do I fix it?”
“The best thing you can do is choose one. Who do you like better?”
“What if I don’t know?”
“Hmmm, that makes it trickier. I’d suggest keeping things friendly, nothing more, until you figure that part out.”
“That doesn’t sound easy either.”
“These things have a way of working themselves out. You’re a little too busy with saving the world to be trying to figure out your prom date anyway.” He laughed again, then turned serious. “But, Nate, Spencer really is your biggest fan and your strongest ally. You’d find life easier if you started treating him as such.”
“You should tell him the same thing.”
“I have. You two have a lot to work through. Maybe you’ll get to that in this lifetime, maybe you won’t. But the two of you do want the same things; you just differ in how and when to get them.”
Amber came down the steps.
“If you’ll excuse me,” Booker said, “I’ve got some calls to make.”
“He’s tactful,” Amber said, when Booker was gone.
“Amber, I’m sorry.”
“Forget it, Nate, I know you well enough to understand what happened. I’m not here for that. Tomorrow is a big day, and I don’t want to waste any of the time we have left.”
“You make it sound like we may not see each other again.”
“Don’t you know that’s possible? Every day, we’re stealing from somewhere. Time’s a funny thing. It always takes back.”
“What are you talking about?”
“While in Taos, Spencer told me a lot of things. He was trying to convince me that we had to use violence. He knew Yangchen and I were growing close, and he believes I have influence over you.”
“You do.” Just looking at her made my legs feel rubbery.
Amber took my hand in both of hers, pulled it to her lips, and left the softest kiss. “He told me Kyle was going to die.”
“What? He knew?” I pulled my hand away. “You knew?”
“It wasn’t like he said Kyle will die returning to Outin. I told him some of the things I’d seen in Rainbow Lake and wanted to know if he thought they would happen or not. He said one of us would be dead within weeks.”
“Why didn’t you tell us?”
“You didn’t have enough warnings? Spencer, Yangchen, Wandus, even you came back from the future to tell you. Didn’t you see things in Rainbow Lake?”
“Yeah, but what’s real? It always changes.”
“Exactly. And I wish I’d told you because Spencer was so certain, but I thought he was just trying to scare me into agreeing to use violence.”
“I understand.”
“He told me he couldn’t be sure which one of us. He’s seen futures with the change from each of us. But I thought it would be me. I wanted it to be me.” Amber cried.
“Why?” I put my arm around her, and she took a deep breath.
“You have to live, Nate. This is your time. You’re the leader.”
I shook my head. “I’m no leader.”
“Not yet, but you will be. And I knew you could never forgive yourself if something happened to Linh, and Linh would be devastated without Kyle, so I’m the one that doesn’t matter.”
I silently shook my head, mourning the loss of Amber. My words choked, unable to escape.
“I’m okay with that.” She sniffled. “I thought I would die for you, and that’s the meaning my life would have.”
“No, Amber. No, I need you. You can’t die, I wouldn’t be here without you.” I cried as if she were already dead.
Amber hugged me. “I know. Me too.”
We held each other for a moment.
“There’s something else too.”
“More?”
“Yangchen told me about another mystic. He’s difficult and dark, but he can communicate with the dead and knows how to bring them back.”
I stood up. “Where is he?”
“We may not want to find him.”
“Why?”
“Because no one knows for sure if he is good or bad.”
“Let’s get back to Taos and find Yangchen. I want to know everything about this mystic and, most important, where he is.”
“Didn’t you hear me? He may not be good.”
“How can a mystic not be good?”
“Stuff like this always has a catch.”
“In the movies, but mystics are here to help me. The Old Man said I would meet fifteen, and so far I’ve counted ten. I must be close to the third stage. We’ll find this mystic. We’ll bring my dad back, and Kyle, Crowd, Lee Duncan, whoever else we need to beat Lightyear. I wonder if he can bring back Hibbs and Clastier.” I was almost dancing.
“I don’t think you should count too much on this, at least until you talk to Yangchen. Finding Calyndra is more important.”
“We’ll do that, too.”
Later, we were served a fabulous vegan dinner on the veranda. Booker knew how to do food, or rather how to hire a staff to do it. He also knew how to break the tension that existed among us all.
“Remember we’re all on the same side here.” He raised his glass of water. “There’s not a helluva lot we can count on these days, but of that I’m sure. Let’s stay focused on our objective and not let the petty differences of a few days jeopardize the work of lifetimes.” We half-heartedly raised our glasses as we shyly glanced across the round table.
“Tomorrow, the real fun begins,” he added. “And, Nate, you get to see Storch’s face in person—I’d love to see his reaction.”
Linh stammered a confused “What?” No one had told her yet. Another hurt look. “Why are you going?”
“It’s critical Nate speaks to Storch tomorrow.”
81
Linh and I walked down the beach to watch the sun dip into the ocean. Her long pleading rant about me not meeting Storch ended with the words “If you die too... I’ll find death, and he’ll take me to you.” She was trembling.
“When I died at Outin, Kyle was waiting for me.”
“You saw him?”
“Yes, and talked with him. He said it wasn’t my time and wanted me to go back.”
She was speechless.
“You know something? I didn’t want to come back,” I said. “I wasn’t worried about you and Amber, my mom... no one. It’s like when you’re dead, the human world becomes trivial.”
“That’s because most of it is trivial.”
I nodded. “Except the soul-connections... ”
“What else did he say?”
“Linh, he was happy and beautiful—radiating, seriously radiating. He told me to tell you that he was always with you.”
“I know souls never die. It’s just I miss Kyle so much.”
“But you still have him. His soul is connected to us, but his personality is like the clothes he wore.” I paused. “When I came back, there were two things I couldn’t get out of my mind.”
“What were they?”
“There are many causes I would die for. There is not a single cause I would kill for. Nonviolence is a weapon of the strong.”
“Who said that?”
“Gandhi.”
She nodded. “And the other thing?”
“Thich Nhat Hanh.”
“How’d you know?”
“I lived with Kyle, remember?”
“Kyle somehow gave those quotes to me when I saw him. I’ve been wrestling with how to stop Storch and Lightyear ever since we met Yangchen. Spencer thinks it’s impossible to win without fighting but, from beyond death, Kyle has told us that nonviolence is the only way.”
Her eyes filled, “Okay.”
“And if I die—when I die—we’ll be together again, don’t worry.”
“I want to be together now.” Her look was like she’d been waiting for my return after two years at sea. It opened me. We stared at each other for so long that a silent conversation resumed. The origins of it could be traced back centuries. Its exact beginning eluded me, but I knew it would continue for many more lifetimes. After several minutes sharing Outviews of our times together, I kissed her. Our tongues and lips danced like the surf playing with starlight.
When we said good night. Linh handed me a poem.
It has taken me far over time, mountains,
oceans, trees, stars, dimensions...
Handheld warmth and whispers
sitting together but not touching,
dreaming but not sleeping.
I am talking low and sad
out to the end of your breath
and the begin of my music
between my ears, love,
this easy disturbance
turns and tumbles,
rough edges soften in its wind
and rain sharpens instinct
this place, deeply burrowed and
fresh, replaces every piece of
scent and matter my body
contains, and my skin
disappears in enigmatic
magic where clouds and dirt sing.
Oh, I cannot take this pause,
this simple exchange of eye
and hand, no, simplicity and
reoccurrence is not the manifesto
in this tryst.
If you die too... I’ll find death and
he’ll take me to you, Love, he’ll take
me to you. And I will scream and
scratch into the world where your
breath springs and drink the essence
of your life. I, too, remorse not for the
living. I, too, see your wake and
pleasure in its circumference... we
are that eternal voice, feel me,
vibrating in everything you touch,
and see and do.
While falling asleep, I replayed every touch; the sighs and stirrings of the heated passionate exchanges with both girls mingled and confused my drowning mind.
I woke just before dawn from a bad dream about Fitts. He was a regular guest in my nightmares, but this one had the added twist of featuring both Ren and Fitts. They ran at me from opposite directions. Fitts wielding an oversized syringe while Ren twirled a samurai sword above his head. Sleep would not be returning. Today we would release the evidence against Lightyear, and I was going to confront Storch.
There was an incredible fruit spread being prepared when I entered the kitchen. A sweet old Cuban woman made me a tray. We spoke in Spanish about her kids, who were my age, and she wanted to know if I was on vacation from school. I was surprised when she said it was May 1st. My seventeenth birthday had come and gone, lost forever in a portal or an Outin Window. I asked her if anyone else was up. She pointed to the veranda. “Sólo Spencer, como de costumbre.”
I found him, staring into the dim ocean awaiting the sun. “What happened with Ren?” I asked, sitting next to him and offering him some fruit.
“He’s still at Cervantes. He doesn’t know.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. He’s spending a lot of time with Wandus.”
“So, he’s staying within the Movement.”
“All souls are welcome.”
“Seems risky.”
“None of us are without a past. The shame of what we’re capable of—what we’ve done in our past lives—could crush a personality, and often just a glimpse of it, through Outviews, nightmares, déjà vu, intuition, whatever, can shatter a person, and they never know why.”
“I obviously can’t argue with that, but Ren’s past was only a few months ago when he tried to kill me and Dustin... and he killed my dad.”
“You know it wasn’t Ren.”
“Depends on how close to the surface his soul is. It just seems a frightening coincidence.”
“There are always frightening coincidences to contend with. Today isn’t the day to worry about Fitts. As Wandus would say, ‘you’ve spent that worry already.’”
“I’m happy to know Wandus is still free. How are they finding mystics? How do they even know about them?”
“As you know, they’ve been tracking me for years. Storch knows there are many people who have advanced beyond the limitations of the human world. He sees them in two ways, as a threat or a potential tool to be used in his schemes.”
“Like Rose?”
“It’s possible for any of us to fall, Nate. Remember, there is a dimension out there right now where you’re happily helping Lightyear.”
“That’s hard for me to believe. Because if that’s true, then what is the point of this life, this dimension?”
“This is the one you are in. It’s the one that matters. This is the only real moment.”
“Where did you go when you left Marble Mountain?”
“Cervantes.”
“Before that?”
He hesitated. “I went to Wizard Island.”
The news surprised me. “To try and save Kyle?”
“Yes.”
“But you missed him?”
More hesitation. I studied him as he reworked his answer several times. “No. I got there before him.”
I gasped. “Did you know he was going to die at Outin? You must have—that’s why you went. How could you let him through?”
Spencer took a deep breath. “I told him not to go to Outin and explained he would definitely die if he did. But, Nate, he knew you were going to die during the battle. And—”
“Oh my God,” I said, already piecing it together. “He allowed himself to get killed so he could be there to greet me when I died. Oh Spencer, tell me that’s not true.”
He shook his head.
“Please, Spencer.” I was crying. “Say he didn’t sacrifice himself so I could live. Why did you let him do that?”
“He was intent.”
“What do you mean? You’re a freakin’ wizard, Spencer. How hard did you try? You didn’t try hard because it was the only way to save me. Did Kyle really come by that knowledge on his own or did you spoon-feed him?”
“Nate.” He took me by the shoulders and caught my eyes. “He knew. Kyle was no ordinary boy. Don’t you know that by now? It’s not just you. Dustin, Kyle, Amber, and Linh—you’re all special old souls. It’s no accident the five of you came together in this lifetime. You have all been working on this longer than history exists. You’ve done the same for each of them in past lives. Kyle understood. He did not hesitate. I could have physically restrained him, but I have too much respect for his soul. I discussed it with him. He understood what he was doing.”
“And there was no other way? There’s always another way!”
“Yes, there is always another way, but this was the best way. The next closest left both the girls dead... and isn’t that what you’ve been trying to avoid most of all?”
“I don’t know, Spencer. Choose between the girls and Kyle. Choose between Amber and Linh, the kids in the mall and my friends, Crowd or me. I’m seventeen, how am I supposed to make decisions like this?”
“Even a hundred-year-old person can’t make decisions like that. Don’t let it bury yo
u. Kyle knew what he was doing. You saw him. Did he look to be suffering or even regretful?”
“No, he looked like a flower blooming in the morning sun. But it was Outin. I never know if what I see there is real.”
“Yes, it’s wise to remember Outin is another dimension, and some things you see or think while in another dimension don’t translate exactly the same in this one. But dimensions overlap and share much. So it’s usually only subtle differences. Kyle is dead. I felt his change. And when we die we move closer to the pure love that we are... and there is complete joy in that.”
“Am I going to die today?”
“The question is, are you ready to die today? Every day we should be ready to die, not become attached to this human world we’re playing in. If we’re true to our soul, then every day is a good day to die.”
82
Every major newspaper and news website in the world had the scandal; Booker’s team had done well. Washington was in a frenzy. Video of Storch saying, “If you insist on fighting us, I’ll blow up a mall or an airplane... and I’ll blame it on you,” was running side-by-side with footage of the Mall of the America burning. There were pictures of the dead along with Storch’s statement, “People are expendable—do you know how many are born every day? We’re sure as hell not running out of them.” One conservative news channel floated the theory that perhaps I did the mall attack so I could frame Storch and Lightyear, but with Lee Duncan’s evidence and the affidavits from the IMers at Marble Mountain, there was little doubt.
The FBI, three foreign governments, and four different members of Congress announced investigations. Indictments and imminent arrests would take time. But under extreme pressure, the president asked the State Department to revoke the passports of Storch and eleven other Lightyear officials. There was no other news. Calls to exhume Fitts’ body gained steam until it was learned he was cremated. The explosion of attention and scrutiny was so great that Spencer delayed my trip to see Storch. For the next three days, we watched as the story ratcheted up beyond every past Washington scandal, including the infamous ones involving presidents— Watergate, Iran-Contra, Monica Lewinsky. And then reporters began asking if it might reach the top of the current administration. “How could the president not know of such a powerful group within the CIA?” It was spectacular.