Whiskey Words & a Shovel I
Page 2
daddy’s girl
abandoned by her mother
everything she’s become
given to her by a father
who filled the void
that her mother left
12:16 after midnight.
I was forced
to survive
in your absence
I was faced
with the realization
that I never needed you
days.
you’re always apologizing
for the behavior that’ll never change
one day I’ll stop listening
one day I’ll stop believing you
all but nothingness.
we grew apart
we stopped trying
we were no longer us
we became nothing
processing.
I’m trying to get better
at walking away
from unhealthy situations
involving my heart
winter begins.
come winter
a cup of coffee
and a woman
with a free spirit
is best for you
child within.
the child in me
will never forget
the pain of being left behind
by the parent
who was too selfish
to stick around
silent thought.
forced to feel like
my all was less than enough
I struggle with the idea
of anyone loving me unconditionally
t.b.h.
sometimes I wish you waited for me
instead of wasting your efforts
on temporary distractions
until I arrived
I worry.
you love people
then betray them
how am I not
supposed to fear you
after you claim to love me
how am I not supposed
to question your loyalty
when you’ve cheated
on people
you said you loved
found in solitude.
I’m attracted to the silence
of your absence
at first, the fear was loneliness
but I found my peace
being away from you
insanity driven.
women are made
to appear crazy
by the very men
who drive them
to a place of insanity
fed up.
to be totally honest
I got tired of going through
the same shit with different people
we’re guarded.
guarded because I know betrayal
guarded because of lies
guarded because of pain
guarded because my love
is not for everyone
connections.
connect with someone
who makes time
to connect with you
earliest lesson.
my parents taught me
that marriage means nothing
when there is no honesty
loyalty and effort
0722.
marry someone
who complements your soul
among stars.
every night
the stars
envy her
every night.
girls
like you
deserve a love
that makes
it easier to sleep
during the coldness
of night
midnight noise.
nothing is louder
than overthinking
after midnight
never ready.
you weren’t ready
for someone like me
and I had to accept it
final departure.
I left you
I walked away
you had so much potential
but refused to use it
his issue, not yours.
it’s not your fucking fault
you can’t change a man
you can’t make a man
love you correctly
that’s not your fucking job
understand that most men
won’t know what to do
with a woman like you
and that’s okay
you my dear
are not for everyone
blind and confused.
I think it started
beneath the false sense
of security you provided
I was manipulated
into trusting you
unable to hear the lies
that at first presented themselves
as the truth
the thought of being in love
is blinding
the thought that I’d found the one
filled me with so much confusion
and I’ve been struggling
to find my way out of this
first or many.
he was your first
you were one of many
my eyes ache
witnessing girls give everything
to boys with nothing
my own whisper.
my mind whispers
to itself
all those lovers
but none of them
loved you
full of emptiness.
maybe the heart cracks
to empty itself of things
I no longer need to feel
and it’s become obvious
that I no longer need
to feel for you
same phrase, same results.
and so she thought
that it was love
but he’d used those same words
on every broken girl he met
taking what he wanted
giving nothing
leaving them empty
modern barter.
bargaining using sex
either way
you get screwed
hung up, hung over.
I’ve been growing impatient
trying to survive on empty
your promises were like rope
wrapped tightly around my neck
the chair beneath my feet
the only thing holding us up
hers.
some silence is loud
year 2008.
I remember what you don’t
I recall what you refuse to
I fight, you sit and watch
I yell, you tune me out
everything we are
became everything we were
our love, fractured
broken beyond repair
wet works midnight.
midnight nears
and the moon shines
its light
directly toward my pain
and so
I’m unable to hide
my phone in hand
as if I’m holding on to hope
awaiting your texts
anticipating your call
as if to prove that I matter
to you
it won’t happen
a thought that sounds like a whisper to my heart
a pistol aimed at my head
bullets made of disappointment
penetrating through my sm
ile
a smile that I originally thought
was bulletproof
today was difficult
and tonight is equally the same
as my body trembles
under the weight of my own heartache
midnight nears and I’m alone
with the moon
regretting the day that I allowed you in
some whiskey wordplay.
so many men
fear your strength
and the fullness of the waves
in your ocean
so much they’d prefer puddles
and that’s fine
the pain in remembering.
the memories hurt the most
they destroy bits and pieces
of our existence
draining us of our energy
keeping us up at night
sometimes I get tired
of thinking about the things
I don’t want to think about
sometimes I get so fucking tired
of everything that reminds me
of you
1 a.m. restless, always.
these memories are silent killers
the way they creep up unannounced
disguising themselves as innocent
knowing damn well
they intend to cause harm
and if that’s the case
tonight, you’ll be the death of me
under the moonlight.
I remember lying there, quiet
fading into the silence of
our four walls and a window
that gave permission to the moon
as it watched us from afar
thinking to myself
you can’t force someone to realize
that you’re what’s best for them
the illusion of good mornings.
she was his morning coffee
enough to keep him awake
until he found someone else
to consume with his bullshit
my energy misplaced.
loving you was draining
instead of wasting
my emotional energy
I decided to forgive you
and move on
mountains underwater.
mountains submerged by water
dreams drowning, promises scattered
at the bottom of the sea
a reversion of my rights signed
and now my soul feels free
a California lie.
screaming bullshit
until my voice gives out
and silence is all that is left
a mountain of dreams
still in boxes awaiting transport
under siege by friendly fire
people I used to trust
the ship carrying me begins to flood
the ship carrying me
now sits at the bottom of the sea
the ship carrying me was too weak
to hold my dreams
the captain was a fraud
he could never match my drive
I am safe in New York
no more California lies
something for this night.
tonight won’t be easy
and you know that
I know it hurts
but the pain is necessary
everything meant to break you down
will build you up
and you’ll become stronger
a broken beautiful muse.
broken, I cut myself trying to help you
piece it all back together
your fragmented heart
on the bathroom floor
the door was closed and I could hear
you weeping even as I was sleeping
curious to the sound
awoken by your efforts to hide
what you could no longer keep hidden
broken, yet as I looked into your eyes
I saw strength
we were different people after that night
beyond your past.
come
allow me to help you
bury your past
let us give life
to our future
past and present.
constantly
I’m always moving on
you’re always coming back
leaving for long lengths of time
only to reappear
when you fear you’ve been replaced
the never-ending cycle of what we were
the constant mistake that we’ve become
now cold.
it was your love
that caused this
it was you that made me
this way
suddenly being heartless
was better than being heartbroken
being cold was better than the warmth
you failed to provide
all of us.
all these people
with pain in their faces
bruises on their souls
and cracks in their hearts
we have found ourselves
trying to survive the death
of what we thought was love
fighting to make sense of a reality
that is now a lie
it’s easier said.
sometimes I wish
changing my heart
was as easy as changing
my mind
good hearts.
the only downfall of having
a good heart
is that you find yourself
constantly searching for angels
inside of demons
and they wonder why the good
know so much pain
devoured.
devour her the right way
and her back will rise off the bed
she’ll bite her lip
and her thighs will shake and tremble
devour her the right way and she’ll begin
to flood the surface of your lips
and the sheets on your bed
snowfall in Queens.
oh, how the snow
makes the cemetery
look alive
the heart vs. the mind.
I hate it
the way the heart
takes too long
to figure out what the mind
already knows
this peacefulness.
first
I missed you
then I learned
to live without you
I found comfort in your absence
I made peace with being alone
memories in midnight.
midnight belonged only to us
she was always down
and I was always up
she on her knees
willing to motivate me
watching my own funeral.
you were the death of me
no wake, just a funeral held
in memory of the person I was
before you deliberately destroyed me
forcibly making me a victim
in your path of destruction
what was there to love
nothing is what I’ve come
to realize
but only as I lie here lifeless
screaming but not being heard
reaching but you refuse to reach back
I now know that I was in this alone
my relationship with you
now my casket, a tomb
gift of the broken.
it hurts but I find myself
pretending to be fine
"I’m okay" has become my favorite lie
and my smile is usually a mask
that hides the truth in what I feel
I’ll say nothing because
you’ll think I’m weak
I’ll say nothing and let
my silence speak
the gift and curse of the broken
being able to hide behind lies
of happiness
the gift of being strong in a moment
of weakness
easier but difficult.
it’s easier said than done
is a fucking excuse to stay
with someone who doesn’t even care
about keeping you
let’s be honest, I know it’s difficult
to leave behind the person
you care about
but shouldn’t it be harder
to hold on to the person
who doesn’t care about you
the all of nothing.
all of those friends