by BETH KERY
“No you won’t,” she scolded, grinning. “I’ll be starting to show soon. There’s no way in hell I’m putting on a swimsuit.”
“You have a beautiful body,” he said, pulling her closer in his arms. “Pregnant or not, you’re gorgeous.”
She narrowed her eyes on him in mock suspicion. “I read about men like you.”
“What am I like?” he wondered, his gaze narrowed in a predatory fashion on her lips.
“The type that gets turned on by pregnant women.”
His male laughter echoed across the bay. She chuckled, liking the sound. He bent, nuzzling her curving lips with his nose. “I don’t get turned on by pregnant women.” Their lips brushed together and his smile faded. “I get turned on by you, pregnant or not.”
He proved the truth of his words with a deep, devouring kiss. He pressed with his hand at the small of her back and she arched into him. He leaned down over her, slaking his thirst. The warm sun shone down and the lake rippled around them, but Faith only knew the taste, scent and sensation of Ryan.
This is what it was to fall in love. Really fall in love, Faith thought dizzily when Ryan sealed their kiss. For an instant as she’d been under the spell of his kiss, the moment had stretched into an eternity.
But you’re not a child anymore, an annoying voice cracked in her head. You’re an adult who should know that the magic always ends.
Always.
Ryan’s hand tightened on hers. Her heart throbbed when he smiled. She silently told the offending voice to shut up, but it was very persistent.
* * *
“You have to be back at work tomorrow, don’t you?” Ryan asked when they passed her office on the ride home.
She nodded regretfully. “I originally took today off with the intent of picking out paint for the nursery and choosing new carpet to have installed, and I haven’t accomplished a thing yet.”
He took her hand. “It was worth it, wasn’t it?”
“Of course it was.”
“I’ll give you a real honeymoon sometime soon. You name the place and I’ll fly you there.”
A sharp pain went through her at his words. “That’s not necessary, Ryan.”
“Why not?”
She gave him a beseeching glance and spoke before she could stop herself. “Because it wasn’t a real wedding.”
She immediately regretted it when she saw his jaw stiffen.
“I’m sorry,” she said, wincing. What was wrong with her? She let go of his hand and stifled a curse. She didn’t know why she’d felt the need to say it. Did it have something to do with the fact that she’d recognized fully just how vulnerable she’d made herself as she’d stood out on that dock with Ryan?
“Why should you be?” he asked, the hard sound of his voice making her wince again. “I know that’s how you feel. It isn’t like you haven’t made it clear.”
“You were the one who proposed the whole thing as a marriage of convenience for the baby, Ryan,” she exclaimed.
He glanced at her, quick and sharp. She exhaled in disbelief. She felt burned by his stare.
“I know I said that then,” he said as he drove, staring straight ahead. “But I meant what I said yesterday.”
An hour later Faith was in the process of letting Topsy through the back door when Ryan walked into the kitchen. She glanced at him nervously. They hadn’t really spoken since that uncomfortable conversation in the car. She’d been beating herself up repeatedly while he’d been down in the basement, apparently exploring the workshop area.
Despite her concern he seemed fairly relaxed as he paused by the counter holding the notebook in his hand that she recognized as being the one where he’d started sketches for the nursery bookshelves.
“I’m going out to the airport, and then to run some errands. I have to go to the sawmill to give some measurements for pieces for the shelving unit. I’m leaving for an overnight in San Francisco early tomorrow morning, so I want to get started on it while I can.”
“Oh, okay,” Faith said, feeling off balance by his friendly, relaxed manner, not to mention the news that he was leaving town again tomorrow. He’d told her that he was looking for another pilot now that he had two planes, along with an administrative assistant to help him with arranging flights and keeping the books. Until those employees were hired, however, she knew he and Scott would be extremely busy.
But despite all of that didn’t he want to talk about what had happened in the car? Despite her outburst she wasn’t at all sure she wanted to go back to respecting each other’s space. She’d admitted to herself she’d fallen in love with Ryan, after all. Another part of her was sure she’d made a mistake yesterday by giving in to her desire for him, for falling prey to the magic of the day.
Her ambivalence seemed to be having the effect of freezing her up completely.
As far as Ryan went there could be little doubt he was swayed by the fact that they were going to have a child. She understood at this point, both from Mari and from Ryan himself, just how crucial family was to him. Their physical attraction for each other combined with his euphoria over becoming a father was confusing him into thinking he should spend the rest of his life with her.
“Are you okay?”
Faith blinked at the sound of his voice.
“Yes. Of course.”
His dark eyes toured her face quickly before he spoke. “I’ll probably stop by the hardware store on the way home for some supplies. Do you want me to pick up some paint and carpet samples for you?”
“That’d be terrific,” she said gratefully.
He nodded once and turned to leave.
“Ryan.”
“Yeah?” he asked calmly, looking over his shoulder.
She hesitated. She wanted to apologize for her outburst in the car, but she wasn’t entirely certain she’d been wrong in what she’d said. Bewilderment swelled in her chest. She grabbed desperately for a certainty.
“I...I wanted to let you know that I have an appointment at the obstetrician’s this Thursday. I don’t think very much exciting is going to happen, but...well, you can come. If you have time. And...want to,” she added lamely.
“Thursday at what time?”
“Two o’clock?”
“I’ll make sure Scott is available on Thursday then,” he said.
Faith stood there, watching helplessly as he walked away.
* * *
Ryan was gone for most of the day on Monday. When he finally did return home that night, he carried some wood and supplies with him. He greeted her pleasantly enough, explaining that the lumberyard would deliver the majority of the supplies for the bookcase later in the week. What he carried was just enough to get things started in a small way. He immediately disappeared into the basement, leaving Faith to stew in her confusion.
The next morning when she woke up in her room, Faith knew he was gone by the flat, empty feel to the house. She dragged herself out of bed with a heavy heart. Her work helped to ground her for the next two days. On Tuesday night, however, she succumbed to a wave of gloom, recalling the golden glory of the wedding in the tranquil, color-soaked orchard, the look in Ryan’s eyes when he’d repeated his vows, the full, incendiary moment when he’d uttered those words...
You’re mine, Faith. Can’t you feel it?
Then she remembered all too clearly what she’d said in the car in a fit of fear.
Because it wasn’t a real wedding.
A pain went through her at the memory, causing her to clutch at her chest. She walked out onto the back terrace and took deep breaths of the mild spring air, staring at the thousands of stars in the sky, and feeling her loneliness like an ache deep in her spirit.
The next afternoon at closing time, she was talking to Jane about a lab order and glanced up to see Brigit Kavanaugh walking into her office.
“Brigit! How wonderful to see you,” Faith exclaimed. She came around the reception desk into the waiting area and greeted her friend with a hug.
&n
bsp; “I haven’t had a chance to offer my congratulations on your wedding,” Brigit said, smiling. She handed Faith a flat, thin package wrapped in silver paper. “This is for you.”
“Oh, thank you! You shouldn’t have, Brigit.”
“It’s not much. Derry and I had one from an aunt of mine, and I always treasured it.”
Faith gave her a warm smile. “Come back to my office and we’ll chat.”
“Go ahead and open it,” Brigit encouraged a moment later after they’d both sat in chairs in her sunny office. “Ryan won’t mind. He’s a man, and this is something that goes in the china cabinet. I’m quite sure Derry never had a clue what was in ours.”
Faith laughed and unwrapped the gift. Inside the box was a lovely sterling silver filigreed platter with a simple inscription bearing their names and the date of their wedding. Seeing Brigit’s thoughtful gift made tears well in her eyes for some reason. Much to her embarrassment, they spilled down her cheeks unchecked.
“Oh, I’m sorry. It’s...just beautiful,” Faith managed shakily as she hastily dried her cheeks with the back of her hand.
Brigit reached for some tissues on her desk and passed them to her, looking mildly concerned. “Is everything all right, Faith?”
“Oh, yes,” Faith assured. She glanced into Brigit’s face, however, and another shudder of emotion went through her. More tears spilled down her cheeks. She’d never had a nurturing, overly involved mother figure in her life, and something about Brigit’s kind, concerned expression at that moment undid her. She sobbed, holding the tissue to her face as if to hide from her misery when she felt Brigit’s touch on her shoulder. “It’s just...well...I’m pregnant, Brigit,” she wailed, as if that explained everything.
Which, perhaps, it did.
Brigit just made soothing sounds while she had her cry. After a minute she took several more tissues and mopped up her face, feeling contrite.
“I’m really sorry,” she mumbled. “I feel like I cry at the drop of a hat these days. The platter is absolutely beautiful.”
Brigit waved her elegant hand, making it clear her gift was hardly crucial.
“How far along are you?” Brigit asked.
“Fifteen weeks,” Faith hiccupped.
“And Ryan...”
“Is the father, yes. He came to my house last Christmas Eve—after he spent the holiday with you and your family, actually,” Faith explained wetly. “He said he wanted to see if I was all right. He and Jesse were...good friends, you know,” she said brokenly. She inhaled to calm herself, but more tears spilled down her cheeks. “That’s when it happened. The baby I mean. Well...everything.”
She swallowed painfully and gave Brigit an apologetic glance, saw that the older woman’s face was tight with understanding. She stroked Faith’s shoulder as another wave of emotion shuddered through her.
“And so you two decided to marry because of the baby?” Brigit asked.
Faith nodded, ignoring the new tears that spilled down her cheeks this time. They just seemed to keep coming.
“It’s supposed to be in name only,” she said miserably. Brigit patted her when her face clenched up and she sobbed again quietly.
“Shhhh, try to calm down now, honey,” Brigit murmured comfortingly. She stood and made her way to a small refrigerator Faith kept in her office. She opened the bottle of water she found there and handed it to Faith. Faith thankfully took several sips of the cool water, feeling herself calm.
“From what you’ve said so far, I’m gathering that you care about Ryan,” Brigit said, sitting down across from her again.
Faith just nodded.
“And how does he feel about you?”
“He thinks he cares about me, but it’s all wrapped up in his need to sort of...protect me or something ever since Jesse died. We’re attracted to each other. Obviously,” Faith said, glancing down at her stomach and then back up at Brigit. When she saw a look of amusement pass over Brigit’s face, she couldn’t help but grin tiredly. “Oh, Brigit,” she said, shaking her head. “How is anybody supposed to know what they feel in a strange situation like this one?”
“Are you talking about you, or Ryan?”
“Both, I suppose. Ryan is being incredibly sweet about the baby. He’s very excited. Mari told me he’s always wanted to have a child.”
Brigit nodded. “I can see that. The Itanis were a very close-knit family, and Ryan has always been loyal to the bone. I had reason to resent his familial loyalty after the accident and during the lawsuit, but that was years and years ago. I understand his need now to protect Mari—his only family—and provide her with whatever compensation was available to her for the loss of their parents. Not that money can replace a loved one, but...well...” She faded off for a moment, looking thoughtful. “Ryan was practically a kid himself then, but he took on the full responsibility of a man, making all the decisions and fulfilling all the obligations that came along with the death of both of his parents.”
Faith sniffed. “I guess I’m not the only one he gets protective over.”
Brigit smiled and patted her hand. “He cares deeply about his sister. For a while she was his only living family. If Ryan is concerned for you, it means he cares.”
Faith’s lower lip trembled. She wanted to believe what Brigit said was true, but...
“But he’s gone so much, Brigit. He’s a pilot...like Jesse.”
Brigit’s blue eyes sharpened on her. “Oh, I see.”
Faith blushed. Brigit Kavanaugh could be quite formidable, at times. When Brigit said she saw, she saw with that incising gaze of hers.
“You’re afraid that Ryan is going to turn out to be the rootless, womanizing type.”
Faith said nothing, but her cheeks turned warmer.
Brigit sighed after a moment. “There are no guarantees when it comes to marriage, Faith. But if it helps you any to hear it, I’ve known Ryan since he was about six years old. He and Marc were best friends. In the summer months he was practically one of my own children, he was around the house so much. By the time he was thirteen, practically every girl in Harbor Town had a crush on him, including my Deidre,” she added wryly.
Faith smiled uneasily.
“Lots of men as good-looking, as athletic and smart as a boy like Ryan would have let it go to their head. But he wasn’t like that. He had girlfriends, all right, but to my knowledge, he was always loyal to them. And trust me, I would have heard about it if he wasn’t, with two teenage daughters in the house who somehow always knew what everyone else in Harbor Town was doing.”
Faith laughed.
“There. That’s better,” Brigit said, her gaze warm on Faith.
“Thank you, Brigit,” she said, squeezing the other woman’s hand.
“It’s my pleasure. I wish I could say something more to assure you. In the end I think the only thing you can do, though, is take it one day at a time. Try to trust in Ryan unless you see some clear reason you shouldn’t. I know it’s hard, when you’ve known heartache and betrayal. Trust me. I know. Derry and I made our mistakes in the early part of our marriage, and there were times I wondered if I’d ever be able to trust him again. But in the end, you either choose to have faith or not. I know it’s like tying a blindfold around your eyes and walking along a ledge. It’s terrifying, but it gets easier over time. And that’s just...”
“Life,” Faith whispered, giving Brigit a grateful smile. She stared out the window on to the sunny day, feeling the shadows of her doubts recede into the corners of her mind.
Chapter Twelve
Faith left her bedroom hastily that night when she heard the front door open at around seven. Ryan paused at the entryway of the living room when he saw her.
“Hi,” she said, smiling.
“Hi.”
For a second or two they just stood there, gazing at each other. He looked wonderful to her, wearing a pair of dark jeans and a blue-and-white button-down shirt, his overnight bag slung over his shoulder. The mail had come late toda
y. He clutched the envelopes in one hand. As usual his good looks and utterly masculine aura left her a little breathless. Would it feel like this every time he returned home after an absence?
“Did you have a good trip?”
“Yeah,” he said, taking a step into the room. “I met with Nick Malone while I was out there. He told me that I can take Eagle Air as far as I want. DuBois Enterprises can give me enough work to keep nine or ten planes moving alone, and that doesn’t even include the new business contacts I’ve made. I’m thinking of keeping some hangar space in the Bay Area, as well, and keeping some planes there for a more convenient turnaround.”
She beamed at him. “Ryan, that’s wonderful. Nick really believes in your work ethic.”
He shrugged and swung his overnight bag off his shoulder. “He’s ex-Air Force, too,” he said, as if that explained all Nick’s faith in him.
“I think it’s more than just that,” Faith said, smiling knowingly. She noticed him turn his head toward the kitchen and wondered if he’d caught the aroma of the chicken she had baking. “Are you hungry?”
“I’m starving.”
“Good. I made baked chicken and homemade potato salad.”
“Sounds great,” he said, but she saw puzzlement flicker across his features. Obviously he was confused about her running from hot to cold to hot. She inhaled slowly for courage and stepped toward him.
“Ryan, I want to apologize for what I said in the car the other day. It was wrong of me. I shouldn’t have been so disrespectful about the good feelings we were having, being together. I was...scared.”
She saw his throat convulse as he looked at her. “I know. I understand.”
She sighed and gave a small laugh. “I’m glad one of us does, then. My point is, I realized while you were gone that we just have to take this one day at a time. I’ll try not to give in to my insecurities, but that’s all I can really promise for now.”
“One day at a time is good enough for me.”