Latent Memories

by Charlotte Mills

  “It was your idea … Organic to blend into the landscape, especially with this locally sourced sweet chestnut shingle covering. Let’s go inside.”

  We walked around to the end of the structure, finding the door, which was almost hidden in the surface of the shingles. It was beautifully crafted. Inside, the windows stretched the entire length of the opposite side, creating amazing views of the wetlands beyond. Light tunnels in the roof provided additional, ample light inside to see the array of benches and tables. A noticeboard on the back wall, with its recent sightings, indicated the frequency of the visitors, with a number of Grebe, Snipe, Lapwings and Avocet recorded.

  “They’re thinking of extending the scrape in the far side and adding another hide,” James said in a low voice. Being in a hide always brings out the whisperer in people, whether there were other people around or not. It always had a calming effect on me, like being in a library.

  “The same as this one?” I asked in an equally low voice.

  “That’s the plan, I think.”

  Leaving the hide, we walked towards the river via the large pond, with its dipping platforms. I could hear the waterwheel before I saw it. Recalling the plans I’d looked at earlier, it was a possibility to repair it and use it to generate free energy for the site. That plan had obviously come to fruition.

  “This looks amazing, James … You’ve done a cracking job.”

  “Hey, it wasn’t me; you sorted all this out. I just carried on with the plans you already had in motion.”

  “Really?” I felt an ache and frustration at the loss of an ability I might never get back. I thought of the conversation I’d had with James earlier about returning to work with him. Maybe September was a bit ambitious.

  I was proud of what we had managed to do, considering a large proportion of the site was virtually unmanaged before we started. It was impressive, seeing the various aspects now they’d had just over a year to settle into the landscape, although it was still early days. It looked well-used and skilfully managed to make the most of the site.

  We headed back towards the main house as the rain began to make an appearance.

  “I just need to go and use the facilities before we go.”

  “Okay.” I loitered on the steps of the large hall waiting for James. Looking out to the entrance, I wondered where we would have set up the base camp. I could almost visualise our old army tent on the large expanse of grass to the left of the entrance. The hedge was different before: gappy. I recalled slipping through a cleft to get to the road maybe. The image slipped away as fast as it had arrived.

  “Hey, is your phone turned on?” James asked as he joined me, his face a little flushed.

  “I … don’t know … er!” I pulled my phone out of my jacket pocket. It wasn’t responding. “No. Why?” I’d turned it off after calling Miles earlier, in case Jamie tried to call. I wasn’t ready to speak to her yet.

  “Jamie’s just called me. She’s been trying to get in touch with you.”

  I felt my stomach pitch at the thought of speaking to her right now. “What does she want?” I asked, dreading his answer. She probably wanted to ask what she should do with all the stuff I left at her house when I stormed out.

  “She was worried about you. Also …” His voice lowered an octave, like we were back in the bird hide. “She’s had an accident. It’s not serious, but I think you need to see to her.”

  I felt unsteady on my feet as his words sunk in. “What happened?”

  “It’s just a fall, but she fractured her wrist and hurt the other one, too.” He winced as he spoke. He knew my feelings on broken bones.

  “Shit!” I checked my watch. If I left now, I could be there this evening. I’d need to go back to York first to get my car as we’d travelled here in James’s SUV, then to my parents to get Murphy. “Shit!” I said again, as it dawned on me how long it was going to be before I could see her.

  His hand loosely gripped my arm. “Rob … don’t go rushing off down there. Think about it.”

  “What was she doing?” I asked.

  “She didn’t say. She sounded a bit weird. Doped up.”

  My mind was working overtime trying to figure it out. “What was she really doing?” I asked, homing in on James’s veiled suggestion that there was more to Jamie’s so-called accident.

  “I don’t know. It’s just something she said … about losing her temper.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “She said she lost it. She didn’t want to lose you for a second time and it was her fault again.”

  “Fuck! She blames herself for me walking out!” I said incredulously.

  Chapter 14

  I stood leaning against my car in the council offices car park, waiting in hope that Jamie would be coming out soon. I hated the thought that she had hurt herself after our parting the other day, although it still grated on me a little how she seemed to think we could just step back into our life together after almost a year and a half apart. We needed to talk. I’d already driven by her place to look for her. Passing her work place, I stopped by on the off-chance she might be here. What was she even doing at work with two duff wrists?

  It was clear to me now I’d been selfish to run off like I had. She was so hurt by my words. I couldn’t live with myself if that was the last memory I had of her. Of all people, I knew the value of not leaving things unsaid. But I wasn’t quite sure how Jamie would react to seeing me here, considering how we left it, and turning my phone off hadn’t been one of my brightest ideas.

  My time away had provided me with new a perspective. Discovering my mother’s awareness of my father’s infidelity had made me see that an outsider’s view can often be wrong. James had helped me see how hard the decision had been for Jamie; keeping in touch for over a year, hoping for a change, was not the action of someone wanting to make a clean break. Murphy drew my attention as she continued to show her frustration at being kept in the car, snorting at the air coming through the passenger window dispersed with whines, letting me know she could smell the beach in the distance and it would be wise if I took her for a dip as soon as possible.

  I looked up as several people came through the large glass doors. Jamie was amongst them. I watched as she separated from them, speed-walking through the car park, pulling her arm from its makeshift sling before unlocking her car. No doubt, she had been told she shouldn’t be driving at the moment. Even in the dim light of the grey day, I could tell the shutters were down. She looked genuinely sad as she awkwardly threw her bag onto the passenger’s seat. I made my way over, calling her name as I approached from behind.

  Jamie turned in surprise at my voice. “Robin?”

  It reminded me of the first time I saw her in this same car park. Her dull tone made it even more abundantly clear that I was the last person she wanted to see. I held my hands up in surrender.

  “I just wanted to see if you were okay. James told me about your accident.”

  She looked tired, her eyes red-rimmed. I followed her gaze as she looked down at her hand encased in orange plaster, her fingers puffy and swollen.

  “It’s fine, just a fracture.”

  I could see her other wrist supported a bandage, too. “And this one?” I asked gently touching her left wrist.

  She had a look of despondency as she continued. “Just a sprain … I tried to call you, but you didn’t answer.” She looked away across the carpark, unable to look at me.

  “I know, I’m sorry. I turned my phone off. I forgot to turn it back on. James told me … I went back home for a few days. I needed to clear my head,” I replied.

  Jamie nodded, acknowledging the situation. I figured James had already filled her in.

  “What happened?” I asked, pointing to her orange cast again.

  “Nothing. Just a stupid accident.”

  “I see. You’ve still got that fiery streak! Who, or should I say what, did you punch?”

  She looked resigned until a small smile made its way t
o her lips. “The dashboard … the steering wheel … the general interior.” She made a small nod indicating towards her car.

  “I’m sorry I wasn’t around when you called. I’m sorrier about how we left it the other day, Jamie. I …” I wanted to make it better, but I just couldn’t find the words. It still hurt that she walked away, but I didn’t want that to be the end. “Listen, I know I might be the last person you want to see right now, but … if you need any assistance while you’re incapacitated, I’d be happy to help.”

  Jamie blew out a long breath before speaking. “As soon as I got back from the hospital, I went online and bought several front-fastening bras as I figured that would be the main issue, but buttons and laces, that’s another thing altogether. I’m thinking elasticated everything maybe.”

  I smiled at her words. “Well, to be honest, I’m not sure I can help with the laces. I still struggle with them sometimes,” I said, recalling the hours of physio I had endured to improve my dexterity.

  I saw a tear fall down her face as she moved towards me, burying her face in my shoulder.

  “Jamie … please, let me drive you home so we can talk.” I held her, firmly pressing my lips to the side of her hot face. I could feel my own eyes beginning to fill up. “I’m guessing you shouldn’t be driving at the moment.”

  Jamie pulled away, slightly nodding her head, rushing to brush away fallen tears. “I only came in to tie a few things up. I’m taking the rest of the week off.”

  “Good,” I said softly. “I’ll get your bag. Is there anything else you need from your car?”

  “How can you stand to be around me?” Her voice was painful to listen to. She’d said the same words I’d said to her when she came to find me at my home.

  “Because, despite the impression I gave you on Sunday, I care about you.” I reached up, pushing a lock of hair behind her right ear. She definitely wasn’t her usual meticulous self. I could see she was going to need a lot of help during her incapacitation. “James told me how hard it was for you. I know you kept in touch with him, checking on my progress.”

  Her expression showed little change as she used her bandaged hand to point to her bag still sitting on the passenger seat of her car. I bent down, grabbing her briefcase. The console of her dashboard had a few scuffs and one of the round gauges had a cracked cover. I didn’t like to think that I had driven Jamie to that level of frustrated anger. Taking the keys dangling from her hand, I locked up.

  “We’re parked over here,” I said, leading the way.

  “We?” Jamie enquired nervously.

  “Murphy and me,” I explained. “Will your car be okay here? I’ll pick it up in a day or two.” I was already mentally planning on walking Murphy to come back and get it.

  “Yeah. I’ll send the caretakers an email when I get home letting them know I’ve left it.”

  Opening the passenger door, I calmed Murphy as much as I could, ushering her into the rear of the car to keep her away from Jamie’s wrists. We drove in silence listening to Murphy’s continued out of tune whine. Parking outside Jamie’s house, I grabbed her briefcase before we all headed inside.

  “Shouldn’t there be something in here?” I said, plucking at the empty foam sling hanging from her neck. I looked up to see her eyes full of tears once again. It broke my heart to see her so upset. I pulled her into my arms as she began to sob.

  “Do you think I took advantage of you the other night?” Her words were muffled but recognisable.

  “No. No, Jamie, you didn’t. I’m sorry if I made you think that. We both wanted it to happen.”

  “Oh God, Robin. I’m sorry … so stupid. I should never have walked away. I should have fought for you. I meant what I said; I never stopped loving you.”

  Her voice was muffled as she pressed into the crook of my neck. I could feel the heat from her tears on my skin as her body shivered next to mine. I held her firmly, waiting a few moments before speaking. “Jamie, I did a lot of thinking while I was away.” I pulled back, cupping the side of her face. “I really am sorry about the other morning. I was confused, angry. I lost you once, I don’t want to lose you again.”

  Her brow furrowed slightly. “What are you saying?”

  “I know we have a history, but I can’t step in the middle of something. I need a starting point to work from.” I felt the butterflies begin to flap in my stomach. “I, er … wondered if you were free for a drink one night this week.”

  “Like a date, date?”

  “Yeah, like a date.” I smiled.

  “I’d love to.”

  ***

  After a much-needed cup of tea, I persuaded Jamie to join me in a walk on the beach with Murphy. I thought it might help to clear her head. Heading off towards the familiar, black rocks, I finally broached the subject.

  “So, tell me,” I said, pointing to her arm hoping for an explanation.

  Jamie took a deep breath before speaking. “I was so worried after you left. I called but you didn’t answer, so I drove over to your place. No car, no dog. So I tried the next day before work. Still nothing. I thought about calling James, but I didn’t want to put him in the middle again. I thought I’d really screwed it up again, lost my temper.”

  “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have just left like that.” She ignored my plea, carrying on her story.

  “I waited till I’d calmed down a bit, phoned work, told them I’d had a fall, walked to the hospital on the edge of town, and here we are with plaster and bandages.” She held out her wrists, brandishing her rewards.

  “How long will you be in plaster?” I asked, almost cringing at the words.

  “It’s a simple fracture, so should be about six weeks. Not sure after that.”

  “And the other one?”

  “This one?” She held up her wrist, as if inspecting it herself. “Shouldn’t take as long … a week or two. God, I feel like such an idiot.” Her voice was almost washed away by the wind.

  I let the news sink in for a moment before I stopped walking, waiting for her to turn and face me. “No, you’re not. Let me help you with this, Jamie. You’re not exactly able to do certain things right now.”

  Her eyebrows flashed up in response. “What are you suggesting?”

  After more discussion, we decided Murphy and I would stay over a few nights a week. Jamie had agreed with her boss to work from home three days a week for the next two weeks. That way I would be on hand to assist with dressing for work and make sure she didn’t go hungry. Obviously, it hadn’t escaped my notice that it would also give me more time to get to know her again.

  Leaving Murphy with Jamie, I went home to collect some essentials, stopping off to pick up a takeaway pizza for dinner before returning to my take up my nursing duties.

  Chapter 15

  Over the next two evenings, I had Jamie all to myself. We’d managed to get more of my diary completed and the photographs slotted into chronological order, settling into a kind of temporary domesticity with Jamie giving me instructions on the cooking of our evening meals, which I mostly followed. I was grateful for Jamie’s suggestion that I have my own room, which prevented me from having to bring up an awkward subject, considering what happened the last time I stayed over.

  My bedroom was an obvious spare with its sparse, slightly mismatched furniture. Its bright and airy feel with cornflower blue walls was its saving grace. The room had two windows, one facing the front of the house and the other looking out across the open land to the side. From my bed, I had a fantastic view gazing out at the dunes. When I opened the window, I could hear the wispy sound of the grasses thrashing around in the breeze against the backdrop of the sea. With no one overlooking, I’d pulled back the net curtain to give me an uninterrupted vista every morning.

  I was just across the hall from Jamie so I could easily be on hand or help her get dressed in the mornings. Murphy soon settled in, spending her nights on the floor of my room, although in the mornings I’d find her lying on the landing between both of
our rooms as I headed to the toilet.

  Even though Jamie was off work, she insisted she would get up to have breakfast with me in the mornings before I went to work, which at least meant she was eating. Murphy was providing Jamie with some company while I was at work, which was good for both of them.

  Placing our dishes in the sink, I turned to Jamie as she sat at the breakfast bar. “So, are we still on for that drink tonight?” I asked, as a smile slowly crept across her face.

  “Of course. I hadn’t forgotten. I thought we could go to The Ship. We can walk there from here.”

  I tried to picture the map I’d created at home. “Is that the one on the crossroads, on the way into town? Can we take Murphy?”

  “Yep and yep.”

  “Great, I’ll be round at seven.” I kissed her on her cheek before moving away to pick up my keys. “Have a good day and try and stay out of trouble … both of you,” I said pointedly at Murphy.

  ***

  The Ship Inn was pretty busy, filled with all manner of working types celebrating the end of another working week. Taking advantage of the unseasonably warm evening, we sat outside in the beer garden. It also gave us a little more privacy as most of the patrons were glued to the football on the television. Tying Murphy’s lead to the table support, I headed inside to get a round of drinks. Returning to our table with two pints of bitter and a bag of pork scratchings, I was just in time to hear Jamie promise Murphy a taste of her beer.

  I took a long slug of my beer while Jamie used her fingers to scoop off the head from hers, offering it to Murphy, who was only too keen to relieve her of it. My thirst quenched for the moment, I opened the pork scratchings, offering one to Murphy, who tried to prize it from my fingers immediately.

  “So, I’ve told you some of the stuff we got up to when we were together, tell me a bit more of what you’ve been up to since,” Jamie said, as she searched for a suitable scratching.

  “Umm …” I thought for a moment. “I did a lot of reading, watched a lot of films … and I’ve got into jogging and having long soaks in the tub.”