by Joyce Alec
He nodded, lifting his eyes back to hers. “I quite understand,” he replied, in much calmer a tone than she had expected. “In fact, I am here to speak to you the whole truth about what has occurred.”
Ellen shook her head and turned away from him. “I do not think that I need to hear it,” she stated coldly. “I am aware that you have lied to me.”
“That is true, I will not deny it,” Lord Hartley replied, without any kind of arrogance or excuse. “I will state here and now that the reason for me to try and change my character was so that I could lure you into a moment of affection with me. Lord Morton made a bet, and I could not refuse him.”
Going cold all over, Ellen turned her gaze back toward him. “You do not need to humiliate me all over again, Lord Hartley.”
Shame crept into his features. “That is not my aim, Lady Ellen. In fact, it is to my shame that I confess my own weakness toward you. When we went out into the gardens, I wanted to tell you the truth.”
“The truth?” Ellen spat, her face burning. “What truth would that be? That you wanted to use me for your own ends?”
There was a short, brittle silence. Lord Hartley dropped his head and sat forward so that he was staring at the floor. Ellen, to her surprise, felt something like regret brush against her soul. He had been trying to talk to her, and she had interrupted him with nothing more than a burst of anger.
“Forgive me,” she muttered, sitting back in her chair. “You were trying to speak.”
Lord Hartley drew in a long breath and shook his head. “You need not apologize, Lady Ellen. You have every right to be furious with me, and I know that what I will say next will probably not be accepted by you.”
Ellen lifted her chin. “Say what you must, Lord Hartley. This time, I will listen to you at the very least.”
“You are very good,” he replied, lifting his head up slowly and sighing heavily. “I will tell you the truth of the matter. When I saw you at the ball, I knew in my heart that I had to be honest with you about what I was doing. That was, whether you can believe it or not, my only intention. I was tired of the life I was living, realizing that I was slowly becoming the man I was pretending to be – and finding that the bet between myself and Lord Morton was entirely repugnant.”
Not knowing what there was to say, other than the fact she did not believe him in the least, Ellen spread out her hands. “Might I ask what this bet was, exactly?”
He colored, looking at her shamefaced. “It was simply that I would place a kiss on your lips, Lady Ellen.”
“And you have won, it seems.”
A deep sigh came from him, as though he truly regretted what he had done, but Ellen could not bring herself to believe him. She had already been fooled by him once and knew full well what a good actor he could be.
“The reason I did not want to go out to the gardens, Lady Ellen, was because I was afraid of what might occur should we do so. If you recall, I did try not to take you there.”
With a flush of embarrassment, Ellen realized that he was telling the truth. He had appeared reluctant, and yet she had pressed him to go.
“And you cannot blame me for reacting to your attentions,” he continued quietly. “Here is the crux of the matter. The reason I wanted to tell you the truth about who I was and what I was doing came from the desire within me to declare my affection.”
Blinking furiously, Ellen tried desperately not to allow her tears to fall.
“I know you cannot believe me, and I do not blame you for that,” he continued, looking at her with such a deep, intense sadness that Ellen felt her heart soften just a little. “But it would do me no good to keep the truth from you, especially when I have lied to you for so long. I am to enter into the holy state of matrimony, and so, therefore, I shall start as I mean to go on. I shall be truthful and honest with you from this day forward. I only hope that one day you will be able to forgive me for the terrible ordeal I have put you through by my own selfish actions.”
There was a long pause as Ellen studied him carefully, thinking about what had been said.
“That was a very pretty speech,” she said eventually, seeing the slight frown on his face. “However, I know you well enough to know that it means absolutely nothing. Your promises to tell me the truth mean nothing, Lord Hartley. I will marry you because I have no other choice, but do not think that I do it willingly. My heart has been broken by you twice over. Once because I allowed myself to feel something for you – something you then tore down right in front of my very eyes – and then again when you forced me into an engagement I cannot end.”
The surprise in his expression stopped her short.
“You had an affection for me?” he asked, so quietly that she could barely hear him.
“I did,” Ellen replied, thinking it best to be honest. “An affection that shriveled and died last evening, when you proved yourself to be nothing more than a cad.”
He nodded and swallowed, hard. “Then I am a fool twice over,” he replied softly. “How different this all could have been.” The look in his eyes spoke of pain, of a tearing of his soul, and Ellen, despite her anger and upset, was forced to look away from the intensity of it.
“I will call upon you again tomorrow,” he said, getting to his feet. “Do tell your mother I am sorry I had to leave. It was not my intention to leave so early, but I think it best I allow you some solitude. I will repeat myself, however, in saying that I will be honest with you from this day forward. There is nothing I will hide from you.” He gave her a half smile, even though the sadness in his expression could not be hidden. “Who knows? Mayhap one day you will come to trust me again.”
Ellen tried to reply, but her throat had closed up, her mouth dry as if filled with sand. Lord Hartley bowed in front of her but did not look at her again. As he left the room, Ellen was filled with a notion to call after him, to beg him to come back and talk to her again – but instead, she remained silent and simply waited for him to leave.
She was alone again.
“Where did Lord Hartley go?”
Her mother came back into the room only a few minutes after Lord Hartley had departed, looking rather upset with her daughter.
“Do not tell me that you chased him away, Ellen. That simply will not do.”
“I did not chase him away, Mama,” Ellen replied heavily. “He chose to leave.”
Sitting down, the countess fussed with her gown for a moment while the maid set the tea trays down in front of them both.
“Indeed, Ellen, I am quite disappointed in you about all this,” her mother said, as soon as the maid had left. “I would have thought you a great deal more sensible.”
A spurt of anger shot through Ellen. “Sensible, Mama?” she repeated, her voice a trifle louder than she had intended. “Sensible about what can only be a hugely disappointing future for me? Married to a man I thought I once cared for, who then used that affection to his own advantage?”
A slight frown appeared on the countess’s features. “You cared for him, Ellen?”
Sighing heavily, Ellen closed her eyes and groaned, realizing she had just made the very same mistake she had made with Lord Hartley. “That is inconsequential, Mama.”
“No, it is not,” her mother replied firmly. “So, this explains your broken heart, then? You feel as though you have been played by the man twice over.”
“That is just what I said to him,” Ellen said wearily. “I should never have encouraged him to take me into the gardens.”
The countess, who had been pouring the tea, jerked a little and looked over at Ellen, spilling the tea just a little. Ellen, unaware of this, simply waited for her mother to hand her a cup and sat back quietly, her head filled with distressing thoughts.
“Ellen,” her mother said slowly. “You did not tell me that it was you who asked him to take you into the gardens. I thought it was he who persuaded you. At least, that is what he told your father. He took the entirety of the blame onto himself.”
T
he teacup half way to her mouth, Ellen froze, her blood turning cold as she realized what she had said.
“He told your father that he had been the one to insist that you go outside,” her mother said again, when Ellen gave no answer. “Tell me now, Ellen, is that true?”
Swallowing hard, Ellen shook her head, mortification filling her. “Lord Hartley did not want to go out to the gardens,” she confessed, her cheeks burning with shame. “I was the one who encouraged him to go.”
The countess drew in a sharp breath and sat back in her seat, evidently stunned.
“And it was not he who pressed his affections on me,” Ellen confessed miserably, thinking it best to tell her mother the truth instead of continuing to hide it all from her. “I know you will be terribly ashamed of me, Mama, but there it is. I had a desire, and I allowed it to take hold of me.”
There came a short, stunned silence. Ellen could not lift her head to look at her mother, her shame more than she could bear. Whilst this did not clear Lord Hartley of his part in their hurried engagement, Ellen now saw that she was equally, if not more so, to blame for it. Had she not insisted that they go out to the gardens, had she not taken advantage of the darkness and pressed her lips to his for the briefest of moments, then none of this might have occurred.
“Oh, Ellen,” her mother sighed, without the slightest hint of anger or upset. “Why did you not tell me before?”
“Because I was ashamed,” Ellen cried, her eyes filling with tears. “I know that this puts part of the responsibility for what occurred on my shoulders, and I do not want to have any kind of blame.”
Her mother shook her head, a sad smile on her lips. “And so you prefer to make Lord Hartley bear full responsibility.” She sighed again and took a long sip of her tea, mulling over what had been said. “For all that you blame Lord Hartley, Ellen, he has taken full responsibility for what has occurred. He did not mention to your father that it was you who wanted to walk in the gardens, nor that it had been you who pressed your attentions on him first. That says something about his honor, even if you found it lacking elsewhere.”
It was a truth that Ellen did not want to face up to. She had spent the last few days wallowing in misery, refusing to think about what she had done and simply going over and over how cruel and dishonorable Lord Hartley had been.
“I will not speak of this to your father,” her mother finished softly, with still no anger in her voice, “but you will need to think about how you are to go forward into the future with this man, Ellen. You cannot bear a grudge forever, especially when it was not all his doing.”
“But I cannot trust him!” Ellen said, sitting forward and putting her head in her hands. “He played me false!”
“Did he?”
Ellen’s head shot up. “Yes, he did! He kissed me to win a bet, that is all.”
Her mother shook her head. “No, Ellen. You have just told me that he did not want to go into the gardens with you and that it was not he who kissed you first.” She lifted one eyebrow, and Ellen felt her mother’s steady gaze burn into her soul. “My dear, you have been so determined to blame Lord Hartley for all this that you are not seeing things clearly. Mayhap he had every intention of winning the bet when he first started out, but things may have changed since then. Why the reluctance to walk with you in the gardens if he had every intention of doing exactly as he had planned?”
It was a question Ellen could not answer, her heart growing heavy, as she realized that, once again, her mother was speaking with wisdom and clarity. Lord Hartley had claimed that he had wanted to tell her the truth of it all, but she had not believed him. Could she, now, begin to consider that he had been telling her the truth?
“Do you understand what I am saying, Ellen?”
“Yes, Mama,” Ellen whispered, her humiliation burning through her very core. “I understand.”
“And I am grateful that you told me everything,” the countess finished, with a small smile. “Whilst it may not have been intentional, I think it best that it all came out in the end.”
“Yes, Mama,” Ellen said again, taking a sip of her tea and hoping desperately that they would not have to speak of this much longer. Her thoughts were even more confused than before, her shame pouring all through her.
The countess got to her feet, evidently choosing to end the conversation. “I think I shall leave you to your thoughts, Ellen. One thing I will say is that the affection you felt for Lord Hartley is not likely to have just dwindled and died within you. It will still be there, somewhere. Mayhap it would be best to let it flourish, Ellen, if you are to have a happy marriage.”
She did not say anything more, but simply smiled at Ellen, as if to reassure her that there was no lingering anger on her part. Ellen smiled back, managing to lift her eyes to her mother’s face for the first time since she they had started this particular discussion.
As the door closed behind her, Ellen knew that she now had a great deal to consider. The truth had come out, and it had left something of a bad taste in her mouth, but a bad taste had to be dealt with one way or another.
Was there still an affection for Lord Hartley somewhere? If she managed to forgive him, would it begin to surface again? It would mean, of course, that she would have to accept her part in all this and allow her heart to begin to open toward him again – something she never thought she would be able to do. If she accepted that Lord Hartley might have had every intention of telling her all, just as he had said, then that would mean she had to begin to trust him.
It was a state she did not want to consider, but her mother’s words lingered in her mind. She was due to see Lord Hartley again very soon. Would she ever find it in her heart to forgive him for what he had done? And, more importantly, would she ever be able to forgive herself?
14
Ten days later and George found himself sitting across from Lady Ellen as they made their way through Hyde Park, taking part in the fashionable hour as was expected from a newly engaged couple. They did not speak to one another, but instead, smiled as each acquaintance waved at them delightedly. Lady Ellen had not warmed to him in this last week, although he had visited each day as expected. They had some stilted conversation, although it was sometimes helped by the presence of her mother, but she still had not so much as smiled at him since the ball and their hasty engagement.
News about their betrothal had travelled quickly through London, it seemed, and Lady Ellen was playing her part well. He knew that she was desperately unhappy, and he felt nothing but guilt and shame when it came to his part in her suffering, but there was nothing to be done but to bear it. He intended to make every effort to be the kind of man he should have always been once they wed, even though Lady Ellen did not believe a word of what he had said about being truthful and honest with her. As much as he regretted what had occurred, George hoped that they would somehow find a way through together.
“Ah, Lord Hartley!” exclaimed one particular lady, rushing over to his carriage, which continued to meander slowly around the park. “How wonderful to see you! And this is your dear Lady Ellen, is it not?”
“Yes, indeed,” George replied, mustering a smile. “Lady Ellen, this is Miss Josephine Smith, due to be wed to Lord Rivenhall.”
“Many congratulations,” Lady Ellen replied, with a soft smile. “I do hope your preparations are going well.”
Miss Smith beamed at her, clearly delighted to be asked such a thing. “Yes indeed, it is a most busy time, although I am enjoying it a great deal,” she exclaimed, with a slight blush in her cheeks. “I am sure you understand, Lady Ellen!”
“Of course,” came the swift reply. “I am blessed, however, in having a very uninterested groom.”
Before George could counter this statement, Miss Smith simply laughed and shook her head knowingly. “Ah yes, I quite understand Lady Ellen. I am sure it will be the most wonderful of occasions, and you will be the most beautiful of brides.”
“I quite agree,” George replied, shootin
g a quick glance toward Lady Ellen, who caught his gaze for a moment before looking away. Was that a faint blush on her cheeks? Or was he hoping for too much?
“Well, I had best be off,” Miss Smith finished, as another gentleman came toward their carriage. “Good day to you, Lord Hartley, Lady Ellen.”
“Good day,” they murmured together, before sitting quietly once more. The gentleman who had been coming toward them stopped and spoke to Miss Smith for a moment before continuing to draw near their carriage – and George recognized him at once.
“Lord Hastings!” he exclaimed, surprised to see his friend returned to London. “Have you returned for the Season?”
Lord Hastings did not answer, however, inclining his head toward Lady Ellen who, clearly, had very little idea as to who this gentleman was. Realizing just how rude he had been, George quickly made the hasty introductions before returning his attention to his friend.
“Hartley,” Lord Hastings began, with no smile on his face and ignoring his question completely. “I come with some bad news, I am afraid.”
George frowned at once, his concern growing. He had enough to contend with at the moment, surely there could not now be something new to add to all this.
“It is to do with your friend, Lord Morton,” Lord Hastings continued quietly. “I am afraid there is something you should know.”
Seeing his friend shoot a glance toward Lady Ellen, George bade him open the door and come in the carriage to join them. He took his seat next to Lady Ellen and allowed Lord Hastings to sit opposite.
“Does this news concern me?” Lady Ellen asked, her voice low and quiet. “I do not need to remain if it does not.”
Lord Hastings threw a look toward George, who shook his head at once and patted Lady Ellen’s hand. “No, I wish you to remain, my dear,” he said firmly. “Remember, you deserve to know everything that is going on in my life, and that includes whatever Lord Morton is up to.”
Clearing his throat, Lord Hastings shook his head and sighed. “I am afraid the man has been mouthing off, Hartley.”