My throat closed tightly. I had no words for how I felt, both from the thought of saying goodbye to him, and from the news I’d learned. I felt disgusted with myself. Unable to talk, I just waved my phone pathetically at him and shook my head. Glancing at my phone he looked back at me, eyeing me with concern. “Tell me what’s wrong? Did someone upset you? Did that fucking asshole call you? Did someone die?” he asked in an incredulous tone.
A loud sob tore from my throat and I became inconsolable.
“Tell me what the fuck is wrong, Jo. I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s going on in there.”
Candice’s voice called out from the doorway, “Let me in, I can’t get the door open.”
Spinning on his heel he ran across the room and pushed the cabinet away from the door, Candice rushed in and pushed past him, heading straight for me.
“Damn, Josie. Please stop crying—will somebody tell me what the fuck is going on here?”
“You’re what’s going on. You, Josie and Elliott are all over the gossip mags and the internet.”
Nodding, his head he looked at the floor. “The fucking restaurant…don’t worry, Josie, they didn’t get much. Whatever they said is pure speculation—”
“Not when Elliott is out there selling his story about being the victim it isn’t.” Candice gave Kane a nasty sneer like she had a bad smell up her nose and Kane’s brow creased into a scowl.
“Did he, the motherfucker? I’ll fix this, Jo, I promise.”
“Yeah, just like you fixed the door, huh?” Candice retorted and pulled out some tissues, handing them to me.
“Just go, Kane. Don’t make this any worse.” My plea hurt him. I saw that plain as day in his eyes.
“I’ll get someone—” he started to say, but I cut him off.
“Leave it, I’ll get it fixed.”
“I’m not fucking leaving you like this—”
“If you care anything at all, you’ll get out of here and leave me alone, right now,” I replied, adamant that’s what I needed.
Kane shoved his hands deep into his pockets and looked helplessly back at me. “Please, Jo…”
“Go,” my voice whispered.
Walking over to me he crouched again, hugged me tightly and his warmth surrounded me. He inhaled deeply, remembering my smell and placed a soft kiss on my head. “I’m here, please Jo, don’t do this.”
I had started to sound distraught, and Kane quickly realized there was no reasoning.
“Alright I’m going, but I’m here when you need me, I’ll call you from New York.” When I remembered what he had said he was going to do there, I felt annoyed he’d toy with my feelings.
“No. Don’t, I’ll call you in a few weeks,” I said, sobbing for too many reasons to think about.
Turning away from me he walked to the door and turned back to look at me. “Are you sure you want me to do this?” I said nothing because I wasn’t. But Kane took my silence to mean I was. “Take care of yourself for me, Jo,” he urged with a sad smile. Seconds later he was gone.
*****
Candice acted like my guardian angel that day, calling in sick, and fielding questions both from the press and our friends. Honestly, I couldn’t have asked for anyone better to guide me through the ordeal. It didn’t stop me from having to face my family at my father’s birthday dinner though. Luckily, by that time, Kane’s publicity guru had waved his magic, spinning an entirely different slant on the event by painting Elliott out as a threatening Neanderthal caveman who didn’t like that I had a male friend. It was crazy how they had managed to turn the tables back on him less than the six hours since he’d sold his story.
Strangely enough, my family thought it was funny—all apart from my father, who had the measure of me, but didn’t ask questions in front of the others. That’s not to say he let the whole episode slide because as soon as we were alone he asked how much of the event was true. I had to be honest with him, and he thanked me for being so. I knew he liked Kane as a child and I also knew he knew how sad I’d been in the past when his contact stopped.
It was embarrassing admitting to spending time alone with Kane, which was as far as I was prepared to go,—my moral standards had slumped to an all-time low, but I wasn’t prepared to add lying to my dad to the list of mistakes I’d made that week.
Chapter 18
Social media
For the following three weeks my life felt pretty unsettled. I missed Kane more than I missed Elliott which was weird considering the amount of time I’d spent with each of them. Post-relationship, or non-relationship as in Kane’s case, depression had set in and Kane never called.
Candice and I remained holed up in my apartment, when not at work, safe with my shiny new lock watching weepy chick flicks, eating pizza and with me crying regularly.
After a few days of this, I felt brave enough to check out my social media notifications on my way to work. They were mainly private messages from people I’d gone to school with wanting to meet up or find out what Kane Exeter was like. Some called me a whore and a few were supportive. I clicked onto my newsfeed and was paralyzed with shock when I saw Elliott’s status on my timeline.
“This is Elliott’s sister, Marian, I am posting this to inform you that Elliott died last night as the result of a car accident. Final arrangements will be posted when Elliott’s body has been released for burial. Our family is devastated, by the loss of our wonderful son and brother. Please, can we ask for privacy in our grief. We will post the funeral arrangements in due course.
A sharp zap of electricity hit the center of my chest as tears blurred my vision. I sat in a stunned silence, staring at the outline of my cell phone unable to comprehend the shocking news I’d just read. Elliott was dead and all I could think about was that I’d hurt him in his final days of life.
“Excuse me, Miss, are you okay?” I glanced up to see a middle-aged woman watching me with concern.
Choked with emotion, tears rolled down my face and the only thing I could do was gesture my cell at her. She turned her head to see what I had been reading and her eyes closed in horror after she read it. “A relative?” she asked gently.
“No. Ex-boyfriend,” I sniffed.
“Okay, where were you going?”
I looked up to see where we were and answered, “Next stop. Work. My office is just around the corner from the station.”
“I’ll come with you.”
“No…it’s fine. I’ll be okay. It’s only a few minutes away. You’ve been really kind already,” I said, taking the tissue she gave me. I didn’t deserve her sympathy.
“Are you sure it’s no problem—”
“Thank you, honestly, I’ll be stronger on my own, but thank you for helping me,” I offered as I wiped my eyes with a tissue before blowing my nose on it. I gave her a watery smile of reassurance.
The train arrived at my stop and I went through the motion of getting off, conscious that I was attracting attention because I’d been crying…was still crying. The look on people’s faces as I passed them in the street wasn’t lost on me.
I made it to the office reception and my silent tears became wailing sobs as soon as I was in the safety of the building. The blonde receptionist Jacob had been hitting on last week came around the circular desk and rushed toward me. I waved her away and hit the elevator button.
Fortunately, the car was already on the ground floor and opened immediately. I pushed the button for the 27th floor and leaned back against the car wall, trying to catch my breath in my tight grief-stricken chest. The reception staff must have called up to Candice after I got into the elevator because she was standing hugging herself at the elevator door with a worried look on her face when they opened.
“Jeez, what the hell happened to you, Josie? What’s wrong?” I pushed past her because my throat was so tight and I was afraid to speak the words because I knew they would tear me apart. Holding onto my silent grief had been the only way I
’d made it as far as the office, with twenty-five yards from the elevator to my office I knew I’d only make it if I continued to do the same.
Placing my bag on top of the filing cabinet, I slowly walked around my desk and slumped heavily in my chair, placing my head in my arms on my desk and sobbed even louder. By this time, Candice was beside herself and paced back and forth in front of me. “Josie you have to talk to me. Did someone die?” Briefly, I looked up at her and nodded, put my head back in my arms and wailed loudly again.
“Oh. My. God. No.”
Taking my cell out of my coat pocket, I passed it to her. “Facebook, Elliott.” It was the best I could offer her. A period of silence was followed by, “Dear God, that’s terrible for him and his family. You don’t have to go to his funeral or anything you’re not together anymore.”
“That’s what makes it even worse. He died and the last thing I told him was that Kane was better in bed than him,” I sniffed as more tears came.
My father came into the office and when Candice told him why I was so upset he sent me straight home. He wanted to send Candice with me but I couldn’t have coped with her trying to make me feel better all day.
Dad put me in a cab himself, kissed the top of my head in sympathy and sent me on my way. He looked hurt that I was upset, and I felt horrible. The hardest part was I couldn’t even contact Elliott’s sister because I had no idea if she would even want to hear from me. He had over a thousand friends on his account. The last thing she needed was an ex-girlfriend popping up to complicate an already harrowing situation for his family.
Grief had taken its toll on me and as soon as I got home I collapsed into bed. I must have sobbed for hours, my brain going over and over the previous week. Eventually I fell asleep exhausted. It was late when I woke in the darkness. My initial thought was calm then I remembered the clusterfuck I’d fallen into and my short-lived sedation fell away and was replaced by an aching heart and a horrible feeling in my gut.
Nothing I thought of made me feel better, nothing I thought of would bring Elliott back or undo what I did with Kane either. I had allowed the gap in my childhood heart to be satisfied by welcoming Kane back into my life, but the adult version of my heart was in conflict because it confused our feelings from that time, and I’d let them override my feelings of what I should have done and not crossed the line with Kane.
*****
Elliott’s death wiped me out for a good couple of weeks. Dad even gave me leave from work. Apart from the grocery store delivery boy, I wasn’t accepting callers to my home. Candice called daily to check in but respected my pleas for time and patience to help get my head straight again. Almost four weeks after I heard the news about Elliott my life began to return to some semblance of normal. I had stopped stalking his social media page after it had been removed two weeks after he died, but had read every heartfelt message his friends had written. I couldn’t bring myself to write anything. Apart from the ending we’d had, he had been a nice man toward me. I was surprised I hadn’t received a nasty email from his family.
Being on my own again, with no social life to speak of, was great news for my manager who insensitively voiced that he’d seen an upturn in my productivity since my boyfriend was out of the picture. I gave him a pointed stare and shook my head, but it would have been pointless to have thought of a clever retort to his comment as he was the kind of guy that had a knack for dishing out the insults but was immune to incoming responses.
Leaving his office, I caught Candice by the arm on the way down the hall. “What say we hit the wine bar on 47th Street and have a few drinks? I’ve missed my best friend these past few weeks.”
“Sorry, Josie, but I have a date with a hot water bottle and a couple of Tylenol. This period is murdering me slowly,” she added as we left the building together.
The impact of her words hit me like a wrecking ball. In my head my mind was busy doing the math as I quickly recalled events and dates of the last one that I’d had. It had been around eight days before I’d slept with Elliott and roughly days fourteen and twenty of a cycle since I’d slept with Kane—I was around eight days late. Oh. My. God.
“Have you heard anything from Kane again since he left?” It was as if Candice had read my thoughts.
“Not a word. I guess my assessment was right in the first place, our lifestyles just wouldn’t fit. I can’t believe I allowed myself to have casual sex with him like that,” I said, feeling embarrassed at my admission and quietly freaking out as I thought about heading in the direction of a pharmacy to buy a pregnancy kit.
“Maybe it was that for him, but not for you, Josie. I haven’t forgotten the stories you told me about how close you were as kids. Did a part of you wish for more? I mean…I can fuck any guy I’m attracted to and move on, but you…you aren’t made like that at all. Everything is emotions and feelings. I mean we only need to take Elliott as an example; you were with him what…six weeks? And you only had sex once.”
“Twice. We had sex twice.”
Okay, twice in six weeks—”
“Five—he was away for the last one.”
“Whatever, you liked the guy and you didn’t get down and dirty for a whole month. You’re twenty-two years old and the guy was almost thirty. You weren’t kids playing house.”
“Well, I was lucky to make it twenty-four hours with Kane,” I mumbled.
“Exactly. In your case that’s because you were already emotionally invested in the guy. All that history between you has brought you both to where you are now. Time was short too. Neither of you had much of that to cultivate the feelings you were having, and Kane being the kind of guy he is just took what he wanted.”
“No, he didn’t do that. He asked permission. That was something he spelled out to me. He asked if he could kiss me. Twice he told me he wanted to, but he asked if he could.”
“Well, hell, he must have been scared he’d upset you if he asked that. I’ve never had any man care enough to ask that question. The moment has just been there and they’ve gone for it…or I have,” she said and laughed.
“I guess so. Anyway, I’m not holding my breath about hearing from him again.”
“Really? Well I wouldn’t be too sure about that, Josie. I saw the way he was looking at you.”
“To be honest I was probably staring at him in the same way. It was weird seeing each other after all that time. Hugging him made me feel whole. Like a part of me had been missing all those years until he touched me. It was like finding a favorite toy I’d lost a long time ago.” I entered the pharmacy noting that Candice was still with me and strolled down the aisle until I came to the display of pregnancy kits. There were so many of them my first instinct was to grab one of each because I wanted the one that displayed not pregnant or negative in the boldest letters.
Candice laughed, “Kane Exeter would most definitely be my favorite toy if I suddenly found myself alone with him.”
Taking a deep breath, I had something else that was on my mind and I figured that I couldn’t keep it to myself for much longer. “I’m done with men, Candice…what I mean is…I didn’t realize it until we started talking, but I think I might be pregnant.
“Oh. My. God. Seriously? Whose is it? I mean that sounded insensitive but given that—”
“It’s Elliott’s. I mean it’s most likely his, but I feel like such a slut because I had sex with them both a week apart.”
At twenty-two I still felt embarrassed buying a pregnancy test kit. I had no business having a child when I hadn’t fully matured myself. Candice stayed with me all the way home. My mind swirled in circles about what I would do if the innocent looking box containing the small plastic thing in my purse affirmed my suspicions. It was ridiculous to accept the concept that such a simple action as peeing on a stick could change my whole life as I knew it.
Flashing me a sympathetic smile when we entered my apartment, Candice hugged me. “No matter what…I’m here for you, okay? Nod
ding I headed straight to the bathroom. There was no point in delaying, it wouldn’t change the outcome and by the time I’d arrived outside my building I had already prepared myself for the answer I didn’t want, but knew was a distinct possibility—I was pregnant.
I wasn’t wrong and five minutes later I waved the stick at Candice nodding and burst into tears.
Chapter 19
Moving
Rubbing my back, Candice shushed me, then leaned away to look at me for a minute. “Will you keep it?”
“Yeah, of course I will. I just need to pluck up the courage to tell my parents because I won’t be able to do it without them. I can’t stay here. I can’t afford to. It’s just not feasible without a partner, and with only one bedroom it wouldn’t be long before the baby outgrew the space.”
“So come and live with me. My house has a back yard and you can pay me what you can afford. You can have the whole of the upstairs and I’ll have the rooms I normally use downstairs. We can share the kitchen, and you’ll have a built-in babysitter.”
“Thanks for the offer, Candice, it’s amazing, but I think I’m going to need to move back home for a while. These past few weeks have been pretty epic as far as fucking my life up goes. I’ll head over to my parent’s place tomorrow as it’s Saturday. It’ll give us plenty of time to talk about things.”
“Wow you’re so strong. It would take me at least a week to pluck that kind of courage up.” Candice continued to offer awesome support like the amazing friend she was, and by the time our evening was over and she’d left, I felt terrified but more positive at facing my parents. That feeling lasted all of an hour until my cell phone rang and I noticed Kane’s number. It was the first time he’d called since he’d left my apartment weeks ago. I debated whether to answer it but swiped to accept it because I was a fool.
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