“Well, fuck! I like her name a lot better now,” he said, giving me his heart-stopping smile. Reaching over he pulled my head forward and kissed me. Kane’s kisses were an art form. He put as much effort into them as he did into his music. His tongue and mouth were everything from soft and gentle, playful to seductive and from hungry to passionately devouring. I never knew what I was going to get until the moment we were kissing, and I couldn’t get enough of him.
“Your parents come back tomorrow,” he said, sounding deflated.
“Yeah.” I felt sad that our time alone was coming to an end, and as if on cue, Ellie began to cry. Kane pulled a funny face and butt shuffled his way down the bed. The mattress dipped, bouncing me when he headed to the nursery.
“Aw is my little princess missing her daddy?” he cooed. Moments later he returned with our wide eyed bundle of joy who smiled widely as her daddy cooed dotingly at her.
Placing her in-between us, he held one hand and I held the other as she lay awake, contented to have come between us.
“Listen kid, you’ll go back if you start being a cock blocker, there are plenty of hours in the day for you to play with us, but come night time…that’s when the sky is dark and the moon is shining…you are supposed to sleep like a log, got it, baby?”
I giggled at his serious but calm tone. “Stop saying things like that, Kane, she’ll become insecure.”
Ellie cooed and we both looked down at her in time to see a huge gummy grin that stretched right across her face. “I think she’s laughing in your face, Kane. I’ve seen how she’s got you wrapped around her finger already.”
Kane’s smile grew wider as he sighed deeply. “To think I had no idea about any of this three months ago,” he said as he slid his pinkie finger under her hand and stroked the back of it. “I really love her…like I’d die for her right now so that she could live a healthy life, Jo. Thank you for putting my name on the birth certificate, Carmichael-Exeter has a ring to it, dontcha think?”
“Why didn’t you challenge me about being her dad when you first saw that I was pregnant? You just accepted what I told you.”
“I asked you, and you’d always been honest with me, Jo. But I wasn’t sure you were honest that day. However, I felt your fragility as well. That vulnerable side of you that always stopped me from pushing you further, even as kids. I guess I never forgot when to push and when to leave well alone. For the record…I was coming back for you.”
Leaning over our baby he placed a small kiss on my forehead and wrapped his hand around my hair. “I know none of this is conventional, Jo. Our lives have been ruled by others, who knows what would have happened if we’d been able to see each other growing up? My thoughts on that are that I’m thankful we didn’t. We might have been high school sweethearts, but then again maybe immaturity and lust would have gotten in the way of us being who we are now, what we feel now…what I feel for you and Ellie. Things are going to be different for us from now on, and I promise you’re not going to lose sleep on my account. I’ve been thinking a lot about our future. Lying in bed at night with a hard-on has its advantages; all that lost sleep makes for productive thoughts. I took the liberty of contacting some realtors over the past few days and they’ve sent some property links for us to look at. If you feel ready to make that commitment to me, we’ll go and see some places together. If not, it’s time I had a firm base to come home to.” He glanced down at Ellie who had fallen asleep again. “Are you happy to be with me? You said before you weren’t happy about my lifestyle—”
I placed my fingers to his lips. I wasn’t sure I was ready to live with him just like that. We hadn’t even dated properly. “Being with you, us here…with Ellie, my heart is so full…at peace. A few months ago, I thought it was broken beyond repair. I know what I said before about the life you lead. I meant it at the time, Kane. I knew no better then, but since then I’ve grown in so many ways and faced so many challenges. I know I’m strong enough for most things life wants to throw at me now. We’ve both known the heartache of the things we can’t change, the people we can’t have those last words with again, the wasted feelings of anger and regret, and I’m done living my life in the quiet.”
“Why do I sense there’s a ‘but’ coming?”
I smiled because we used to know what the other felt as kids, and it showed me he still had that ability. “This is all too soon. It isn’t that I don’t want to be with you, it’s just that I’m cautious of being hurt, or that we’ve arrived here at this point because of Ellie and what’s happened. It all feels so fast. Too fast. I used to think making ends meet and the occasional party night with Candice was living, but you changed that. You crashed back into my life and obliterated any chance that I could settle for that normal existence again. To have those few days with you was magical. My heart has lived a hundred lives in terms of the emotions I’ve survived since then. The incredible high of being with you and the desperate lows that followed, with Elliott, the worry about Ellie, and that horrible motherfucker that almost took you away from me, made me realize just how fragile life’s journey can be.”
“Don’t you see that’s exactly why I don’t want to waste time? I know what I want. And that’s you and Ellie, us.”
“You have no idea how that feels, Kane, but it’s going to take me some time to heal and regain my strength from what I’ve been through, and I’m not going to lie, what you do for a living worries me. It’s like painting a huge target on your T-shirt and saying come and get me. I never want to go through the pain of seeing you that way again.”
“You and me both, babe,” he muttered seriously. “I promise I’ll be more careful in the future. I never wanted a guardian or security detail, preferring to live like any other man, and until what happened with that guy I’d achieved that. My freedom is important, but now that I have my girls, I want to make sure I stick around to see what it’s like to sleep with a sixty-year-old, and chase lanky homeboys with my shotgun when they come calling for my little angel here.”
I glanced up at his face and his lips stretched into his easy, sexy smile that made my bones melt again.
Kane fell quiet and I wondered what was going on in his mind, I could see him thinking as his eyes ticked over my face. “What? What is it?”
He sighed heavily, and I knew by the serious look and the way he chewed his lip that I wouldn’t like what was coming. “I had something to tell you, but with what you just said, I’m a little reluctant to share it with you.”
I shifted my position and stared at his serious expression.
“You have to tell me now,” I pleaded.
“I was going to wait until your parents were back, but I’ll have to cut out tomorrow to meet the band, so I’m afraid I’m going to spoil our last night alone…ish,” he said, smirking down at our little miracle lying between us. “We’ve got a gig that I really want to do, it’s the big Veteran’s charity gig at Sheep’s Meadow, Central Park, on Memorial Day, which is a huge deal for me.” He ran his hand through his hair then picked up my hand and placed it in his. I felt tense and resisted the urge to shout at him. “Rehearsals start in a couple of weeks and my physiotherapist is building my strength to help me get fit for the set, it’s only four numbers so fifteen minutes tops, time-wise.”
I stared at him in silence because I was dumbstruck—numb that he’d put himself out there so quickly again, and deep down I wasn’t ready for that. Saying I would try to accept his lifestyle while in the safety of my bedroom, and living the reality of it, was an entirely different feeling altogether. My heart squeezed and felt heavy as it filled with every emotion I felt but couldn’t express in words. My throat burned with tears that I was determined wouldn’t fall at his news. Part of me was afraid for him, worried about his safety, while the rest of me was in awe at his bravery. My brain centered on the part where he was willing to do what he believed in despite the risks. More than that, he wanted to do it, and that gave me a greater understanding of wha
t his music meant to him.
“I’m gonna be fine, Jo. How many times does a guy get attacked with a blade in one lifetime? Unless he’s a soldier, a samurai warrior, or a musketeer.” Watching me carefully, he smiled a half-smile that showed me he wasn’t sure how I was taking his news.
“Okay,” I mumbled softly. If that’s what you want…”
“It’s what I need, Jo. It’s what we need. We can’t let some crazy fucker win the rights over how we live our lives. If we all did that then no one would do anything. What happened to me was a freak incident, and to show all those crazies out there that they are never gonna win pulling shit like that, I am getting right back out there and grabbing life by the balls.”
Swallowing back my emotions didn’t last long, my throat was on fire and was shutting down as tears filled my eyes until they overflowed. For months, I had been an expert at sucking my emotions up and living a lie, but I was crap at hiding my feelings from Kane. “Just a sec,” he said, and crept off the bed, lifting Ellie and holding her like she was made of China. I watched him padding out of the room, naked, with our baby in his arms and heard him settle her into her crib. “Shh, there’s my precious angel. Daddy’s gotta have Mommy time, so you gotta stay in here until we catch some sleep. Trust me; I’ve seen Mommy when she’s cranky. It’s ugly.” I smiled through my tears and heard him kiss her before he reappeared at the door.
Settling quickly back into bed, he tucked his arm around me and pulled me down onto his chest. “Trust me, Jo, I need to do this, babe. Proving this to myself gives me my life back.” Bending forward, he kissed my head and wiped the tears from my eyes with his free hand then dried it on the comforter. Once again he wound my hair around his hand and repositioned himself before he looked me straight in the eyes. “Babe, life is for living, I know you’ve been through a fucking awful time…with all that you’ve witnessed. But we have to make our own way in life, not be governed by what someone else confines us to. Who knows what medical bills we’ll come up against for Ellie in the future? I want us to be prepared for all that, God forbid it ever happens.”
As he bent his head to kiss me I placed my fingers across his lips. “Yeah, I understand and I’m so proud that you want to do that, Kane, but I don’t want a hero either, remember?”
Kane stared darkly at me and nodded. “And I’ll do everything in my power to make sure that’s not in your future.”
Pulling me tightly against him, Kane held me tight, stroking my back lightly with his fingers and I found his gesture comforting as we lay in silence. I understood his motivation; a concert that benefitted ex-servicemen was close to Kane’s heart. I fell asleep wrapped in his arms thinking of our future.
*****
The first of the year had been a turning point for sure, and my optimism remained high. Something I would have found close to impossible less than six weeks earlier. Kane continued to share our home, sneaking into my bed at night and returning to his first thing in the morning, after my parents returned from their vacation. He was true to his word about preventing another situation like the one we had faced, and went ahead and had his vasectomy. The first two doctors he spoke to were reluctant to do the procedure for someone so young, but he found a third that was sympathetic, and with the medical history of Ellie and his sister, he was offered some counseling before they gave him his right to go ahead. Six weeks after Ellie’s birth, and barely a week and a half into the new year, Kane had his vasectomy.
I couldn’t help but laugh when he grumbled that they lied to him when they said he could go back to work the next day. Elephant’s balls were how he described his swollen testicles to anyone who would listen about his harrowing ordeal at the hands of the surgeon. I snickered when my mom suggested he date my grandma because they would have a field day talking about their aching body parts.
Although we all laughed, the significance of the choice we’d made wasn’t lost on any of us. It wasn’t a difficult decision to make when we knew the potential consequences of bringing another life into the world. And although Ellie seemed to be progressing well, there were no guarantees for the future with her health.
Kane milked the sympathy of his minor surgery and it was a week before Valentine’s Day, before he regained his natural swagger in the way he walked.
From my perspective life was moving forward and Ellie was growing fatter by the day which was a great sign that she was thriving. With every medical check-up, we held our breaths and celebrated every positive milestone she met. Kane doted on the both of us, ensuring we had everything we needed, transporting us to Ellie’s appointments and working the band rehearsals around us. Despite Ellie being a winter baby, she remained healthy during the winter months, and it was a harsh winter.
Thick snow covered the ground on Valentine’s Day and I sat nursing Ellie over my shoulder, staring at the beautiful pure white wintery scene outside the window. It was picture postcard pretty, and sitting by the fire with my baby snuggled up to me, felt awesome.
Chapter 32
Dumbstruck
Kane slept late on Valentine’s day, he’d been up with Ellie during the night so I’d left him in bed to rest. Although we hadn’t discussed what we were doing after rehearsals I had figured he’d take me somewhere romantic for dinner.
“Not sure what time I’ll be back, Jo. The guys want to grab a couple of beers after rehearsals. I’ll try not to be late.” Kane kissed the top of my head then Ellie’s and gave me his heart-stopping smile. I willed my mouth to mirror his, but inside my world seemed to cave, devastated that he was skipping out on that day. My heart ached at what he said, and I don’t know what I was expecting from him on Valentine’s Day, but it probably wasn’t that. The most romantic day of the year and I figured he most likely had no clue. Not once did he mention doing anything for it during the previous couple of weeks. From my perspective his life was getting back on track while mine had just changed from mundane to the one he was on and a whole different destination.
Softly the front door closed and I heard him crunch his way over the snow to his car. I held my breath when I heard the dull thud as he pulled his car door shut. I exhaled shakily as I heard the machine fire up. Fresh tears ran down my face with the sound of his car engine dying off in the distance. Disappointment was something I’d become accustomed to while I had been pregnant but with Kane, it was clear, he was being true to his word and was going to live his life his way. I felt his thoughtlessness was an inkling of what I could expect in my future and felt demoralized because it confirmed my worst fears about his lifestyle. I had neglected my feelings on that, thinking it wouldn’t matter and a new reality dawned on me and my heart fell to the floor because I couldn’t imagine myself fitting in. It seems like I’m never going to learn my lesson.
Concentrating on my baby, I tried hard to suppress my discontented thoughts about Kane’s attitude. It was the first time he’d let me down, and despite Ellie and my situation, there was no way I was standing for a sloppy relationship with a guy purely because he thought it his right of passage as a rock star. He could go fuck up some other poor female’s life, because Ellie had fought hard to have a good life, not one where her mom can’t take care of her and advocate for her because she’s an emotionally weak woman in a fragile relationship. Okay you are getting a bit ahead of yourself. It’s beers with his band, and he’s been with me constantly since we came home except for appointments for himself. Stop it, Josie, he deserves to relax and have a little downtime with the boys. But it’s Valentine’s Day. It would appear nine weeks is my shelf-life.
It had taken nothing to shatter my fragile confidence with him. All day long my mind beat me up, soothed my soul and beat me up again, and by the time my mom came through the door I was behaving so highly strung she was losing her temper with me. “Josie, I don’t know what’s gotten into you today. You are so snippy. Go take a bath and maybe change your clothes. It’ll make you feel better.” Is she saying I’m a mess? Is that why Kane is i
n no hurry to come home? I almost screamed what’s the fucking point? Kane’s out there having a good time and I’m the one that’s left holding the baby, but I knew that would sound clichéd and dramatic. I was glad that my mom wasn’t mollycoddling me because anger was better than feeling sorry for myself.
I took her advice and soaked in the tub, but nothing was defusing my irritation at how thoughtless Kane was being. After fifteen minutes my mom knocked on the door and once I’d hidden most of my body she came into the bathroom carrying my naked baby. “I think Ellie should have a bath with her mommy,” she suggested. After feeling my tepid water, she lowered Ellie into my arms. I lay back to let her lie on my chest. Her eyes were wide open, trusting and innocent. Just looking at her I could feel the rage in my body subside.
Gently I cupped the water in my hand and ran it over her back and shoulders. She cooed and nuzzled against me and within seconds nothing else mattered. I only kept her there a few minutes then carefully laid a warm towel from the rail onto the bathroom floor and stepped out of the bath to lay her on it. Grabbing a bathrobe from behind the door, I tied it carefully around myself and wrapped Ellie in the towel before taking her to change for bed.
Once Ellie was in bed I was gritting my teeth again, feeling beyond annoyed that at 6:30 pm I had a long night ahead of me waiting for him to show up. What if he doesn’t come home? Does he even see this as home? He talked about buying somewhere close by but never mentioned it again. Perhaps he changed his mind.
When my mom finally coaxed me into telling her what the problem was, she didn’t become loyal and sympathize, instead she spoke in the stern manner I’d been used to as a child and asked me if I was giving up on Kane. When I didn’t reply, she nodded at my bathrobe and asked, “Is that what you want him to see when he does come back?” I turned and looked in the mirror. I saw what she saw, a girl who had already given up without a fight.
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