They took me to Pandora until I was out of critical condition, and then back to Tare. My only memory of the first two days was Ruuel telling me to stop running, and once looking up at the lid of a pod. The third day I kept waking for ten or so minutes, then falling back to sleep. Every time I woke, someone different was with me. Mostly First Squad, but Zan, Mori, Glade, even Nils from Second Squad. Lots of hugs, but I was too out of it to hold any real conversation – I'm surprised I managed to write anything in my diary. The medics were doing a lot of work with my leg and it seemed every time I could put two thoughts together they'd come and inject me with something.
The next day was better. My mind was a lot less fuzzy when I was woken by my primary medic, who gave me a 'follow this light with your eyes' test which is becoming very familiar, then took the tubes out of me, and let me eat mush. They checked how I was at sitting up, and helped me to the bathroom and back. I napped again after the medics had cleared me, and next time I woke Maze was with me.
"First Squad have roster to sit with me?" I asked, and he looked over and gave me one of his superb smiles.
"Not that formal, but we are taking turns, yes. You're more yourself than last time we spoke."
That confused me. "Don't remember last time." I reviewed my log later and Maze had been sitting with me very early on, and I'd said a few disconnected things to him in English which don't make sense even to me.
"Doesn't matter." He gave me another smile, and I could tell he was weighing up what kind of state I was in mentally. "The arrow was a very clever idea."
"I thought that until started building it. Too hot there. Luck not very good in picking which platform escape through."
"Anything that let you get away from the Cruzatch was a good choice," he said, looking away from me briefly. He hates the Cruzatch so much. "Do you feel up to answering some questions? Things the log couldn't cover."
I shrugged. "Nothing else in my schedule."
"All right. Did you actively try to use the first platform, or feel any sensation of effort when using it?"
"No. Was just standing there hoping the Ddura would be not as loud as usual, and then everyone vanished. Didn't feel effort at all." I anticipated his next question, adding: "When I got there, I looked into water, then tried to go back. Then Cruzatch turned up and I tried to go back more, and then I ran away. Not sure why didn't work. When on next platform, didn't feel any effort, but I was trying to make it work."
He asked me a few other questions – why I'd changed direction toward the bathroom, and how I'd decided where to look for the other platforms – watching me carefully the entire time. Very worried about me.
Eventually I said: "Not going to break down."
His expression was wry. "Do you know, just watching your log was an ordeal? You can't expect to come through something like that without after effects."
"If you sat through whole thing, will know did plenty breaking down already." But I sighed, and looked away from him. "Going to have more nightmares. And, that probably Lantaren school-city Kalasa, yes? Place most want find."
"Your grammar deteriorates when you're upset."
He said it with an air of discovery, which did upset me, and I gave him an angry glance.
"We're not going to let you get into a situation like that again, Caszandra." He touched my cheek and I realised I'd started crying without even noticing, and then of course I cried all over him, which I'd particularly wanted not to do. I ended up feeling thoroughly sick and exhausted, but somehow better.
Not that I believe for a moment that they won't stand me back up on a platform if they can't find Kalasa any other way. I know the Setari will be with me, but there's no way to be sure I won't end up in the same place, alone.
I'm working on not thinking about that, about being comforted and relaxed, since I'm hoping to be allowed out of infirmary tomorrow and they're not going to clear me if I act even a little like I'm scared to be alone.
Wednesday, May 7
Annivarming
A week with nothing but medical appointments and some mild training in my schedule. My skin is still peeling thanks to my thorough sunburning, and the infection took a day or two to kill off, but while I'm physically run down (again), and my ankle is covered in this blue spray-on bandage because of the deeper burns there, I wasn't badly injured this time around. They've been feeding me horrible-tasting nanite 'restorative' drinks which seem to have helped a lot, and thankfully Zee was allowed to spring me from the medical facility this morning. I'm so sick of constant monitoring. She also brought me a change of clothes and told me she had a surprise for me.
"What kind of surprise?" I asked. Not, to tell the truth, at all keen on surprises at the moment.
"How is it a surprise if I describe it to you first? Get dressed and you'll find out all the sooner."
The clothes were new – a pair of black Capri-style pants, sandals, and a really nice silky top with a gorgeous print of a bird with blue and black wings.
"Is this yours?" I asked, pulling open the door of the ensuite. "So pretty."
"It's yours," Zee said, pleased. "That's my part of the surprise."
"Thank you," I said, startled and a bit doubtful. "Congratulations on not dying present?"
"Anniversary," she said, flicking my chin lightly for making silly comments. "It's been a year since you were found on Muina. Well, a year and three days, but we figured you'd prefer to do this when you could get out of bed."
Taren years: a little over four months. "Seems like longer," I said, and hugged her. "Thank you. I promise not to draw on it."
"You'll be hearing from me if you do." She led me out of the medical facility back to the living quarters. We got off the elevator on the level where First Squad's quarters were, but instead of heading straight down the corridor, we circled to the other side of the elevator shaft.
"They've moved up activating Fourteenth Squad to next week," Zee said. "Since they've finished your quarters."
"Different quarters?" On the same level as First Squad. I liked that idea, more than being on a floor where I hadn't been introduced to anyone.
"It's the same pattern as ours still, just with even more shielding. We brought your things down."
"Is an anniversary and a housewarming all at same time."
"Housewarming?"
"When move into new house, friends come over and have a party."
"Then, yes, a housewarming."
It was, too, and more than First Squad were waiting for me. Zan was there, and parts of Fourth Squad, Second Squad and Eighth Squad. We barely all fit in my new apartment. And the apartment wasn't quite the same pattern as everyone else's, because it had a big round window (not openable or anything) with the wall cut into a smooth cup underneath it: a window seat. And there were rugs, and masses of really lush cushions, which were presents from everyone. Zan gave me a set of actual, physical books by an author she said she thought might be one I would like – that was very cool because books still don't really seem like mine if there's not paper involved. And Sonn produced a familiar statue and handed it to me.
"My pippin!" I must have sounded totally astonished, because they laughed. "Thought weren't allowed to take anything from Muinan sites?"
Sonn looked highly embarrassed, but pleased that I was so pleased. "An exemption was given for this piece," she said. "I gather you're meant to think of it as a permanent loan rather than a possession."
I was really happy. I would have asked for my pippin ages ago if I thought they were willing to give it to me. And there was not-healthy food and tingly drinks, and everyone was all relaxed and chatty and made me embarrassed by being so nice to me and of course I fell asleep in the middle of it. I woke late in the afternoon in my new bedroom (half-buried in all the big soft cushions) and lay there for a while looking at my pippin statue, which had been set on the bedside table almost as if it was watching over me. I really like having things. So much of Tare is interface-only.
Ruuel w
asn't at my party. He and Halla have been sent off to Unara to be psychic detectives, and the rest of Fourth Squad is killing time giving guidance training to the elder Kalrani, taking them into the spaces. Then they have some belated leave, a whole week to do whatever they want. I guess most will visit their families. I don't know if Ruuel would have come to the housewarming if he'd been at KOTIS headquarters. I'm pretty sure he's trying to quietly discourage me by keeping me at a distance. And yet, I'm also almost certain that he was the one who knew that I regretted not bringing my pippin statue, and arranged for me to have it back.
I haven't been dreaming of him lately, because I've been having so many nightmares, but I consistently wake up feeling his absence, knowing that he's not anywhere near me. Stupid of me, but I've stopped fighting it. Wanting Ruuel to be there is just a part of who I am right now. It's hardly the first time I've liked someone who didn't like me back.
If I had any sense I would have fallen hard for Maze. He's got to be the nicest guy I've ever met, and certainly one of the best looking. He always makes me feel accepted and safe and makes me smile and he coped with me crying all over him really well, and I have to admit that I didn't mind being squeezed against his chest. But I can't imagine kissing him.
Well, yeah, I can, but it doesn't make me feel the same way as I do thinking about Ruuel. Not even close.
When I list reasons for liking Ruuel, the first thing that comes to mind is that he doesn't hesitate to criticise me, which sounds wrong, but just means he treats me as adult enough and smart enough to be told when to lift my game. And Maze treats me like a younger sister that he really wants to protect.
That's kind of overstating it. Ruuel also gives a lot of leeway to my psychological aspects, I suspect, and Maze does go all captain on me occasionally. I don't know. It's not as if wanting Maze would be a good idea either.
Thursday, May 8
Scar
Very mild training with Mara today, quite similar to what I was originally doing with Zan. It's almost Tai Chi. Afterwards she went with me to my medical appointment, and talked about the hand mark burned into the skin around my ankle. Taren medical technology is more than equal to healing it without a scar, and there shouldn't be a trace within a month.
I like chatting to Mara. She probably has to report on our conversations afterwards, but at least she doesn't act like she's just waiting for me to get upset. But she also said she's not going to go so easy on me in combat training from now on, because I obviously can fight when I want to. I think that's tremendously unfair.
Friday, May 9
In the ducts
I made a huge mistake watching a documentary about how Unara's air-conditioning works. Such a big city requires really serious, complex and fail-safe systems. Not only to make sure clean air gets in, but so all the fumes and smells and heat don't get trapped. All that was interesting, and I recognised one of the wind tunnels from a rotation, but then they explained how they keep the ducting clean. To prevent dust clogging it all up, they've made these nanotech slime mold things which live in the ducts sort of constantly licking them. That's bad enough, but it's not just the ducting which is kept clean that way - it's all the rest of the Taren's cities as well. When apartments are unoccupied, the slime crawls out of the air inlets and eats all the dust and grot in the rooms. People call them yannar, which is a Taren slang word for 'snot', and fits way too well.
I did NOT need to know that. I'm so glad there's no outlets right above my bed. I'm so sorry I even glanced in the direction of the countless horror movies based on things yannar might try to clean. Taren horror movies are almost all about Ionoth or nanotech.
While not staring obsessively at ducting, I've been curled up reading the books Zan bought me. I wasn't really into the first one at the start, but the main characters grew on me. It's set on a world called Lithia, and though the people are ex-Muinan and psychic, they're dealing with the problems of their new world, not Ionoth, and there's a nice dose of magic and mysticism mixed in with the science. I don't know if she was thinking of my psychological aspects or not, but Zan hit on a gift which really made me feel settled, and less keyed up. Even though it's in a different language, holding a book is such a familiar, comfortable thing for me. Like crying all over Maze, I guess it was something I needed.
It didn't take Ghost long to find my new apartment. She seems to like it, especially the window seat, and buried herself in the cushions, keeping a watch on the storms. It's still night on Tare, but there's been some spectacular lightning. Even though all the sound is blocked out so I can't hear the thunder, I love having a window.
Saturday, May 10
Stressing
Horrible nightmares last night. Of drowning, and then being so thirsty. I gave up in the middle of my sleep shift and watched the first few hours of dawn and wished Ghost hadn't gone off somewhere. Training again with Mara today, and more medical exams than seems really necessary. They've moved on to brain scans, and there's yet another greysuit trying to 'debrief' me. Really, if they want to check how I'm coping mentally they'd be far better off having Ista Tremmar chat with me, instead of some woman I've never met before.
The more nightmares I have, the less I want to talk.
Sunday, May 11
Flinch
Today I had lunch with Zan and the only other girl in her squad, Dess Charn. Just a chat about Arenrhon and how I survived my visit to Kalasa. Dess, who doesn't like swimming at all, was very struck by my flippers and webbed fingers and doesn't see why they should do swimming training without using such a useful modification.
Zan listened to her thoughtfully, and said they would include the flippers in their next underwater manoeuvres training, but was absolute about the need to increase speed with surface, non-enhanced swimming. Zan's very good at giving orders. She took my afternoon training session instead of Mara, too, which felt very strange to me. It's been so long since those early sessions with Zan, and I found myself occasionally glancing up at the observation window half-expecting to see people looking down at me.
I'm a lot improved physically. Not halfway fit or anything, but I'm well past getting shaky just because I'm walking. Zan said as I left that she'd be glad to go swimming with me next time I went, and can't know how what she said struck me. I don't want to go swimming. The idea gets me all upset.
And that bothers me a lot.
Monday, May 12
Desensitisation
After this morning's medical tests, today was a free day for me, since First and Twelfth were both on rotation. I brooded in my room for a while, watching it raining outside, the ocean pounding thunderously, then booked the pool and went swimming.
I took a breather with me, but at the start just swam around the surface. It was a long time before I could make myself use the breather and slowly swim down through the obstacle course to the bottom of the pool. It wasn't easy: I had to constantly fight down this urge to kick frantically for the surface. But I'd gotten angry at myself for being like that, and stuck it out until I was all the way at the bottom and then I lay there for a little while taking deep breaths and telling myself I was okay with swimming now.
"Come to the surface."
A text from Ruuel, curt as usual, and unexpected enough that I didn't move immediately. With a sense that I was about to get a lecture, I started back up, only just remembering to stop at the marked spots where you have to wait to avoid getting decompression sickness, though I'm not sure if the pool is so deep you would really get the bends from it. It takes over five minutes if you stop at these points for as long as it says, which gave me plenty of time to make guesses on what he was going to say, wonder why I had to come to the surface for him to say it, and to school myself not to just look totally happy that I got to see him.
I could see a blurry black shape, standing on one side the pool, but remembering how at a disadvantage I'd felt looking up at Kajal, I surfaced a few metres back from the edge only to find he'd dropped to his heels to avoid towering
over me. He studied me as I moved a little closer, eyes their usual half open flatness, then said: "Why do this when the squads you're working with are in the Ena?"
I don't know whether it's his Sights or simply being very smart which allows him to jump ahead like that. He didn't need to be told what I was trying to do, and so went straight to the things which were less obvious.
"Because I feel safer when Setari are with me," I said. "Would defeat purpose."
"So would fainting at the bottom of the practice pool."
That annoyed me: it's not as if I'd have gone in the pool if I was feeling tired or sick. "Haven't fainted in days," I said. "Fourth Squad not on leave any more?"
"Another five days."
"Just like wearing uniform?"
He glanced down, well aware that I was moving ground to avoid more lecture, but only said: "This is the middle of my sleep shift."
He meant he was wearing the uniform because it was quick to put on, and he'd been woken up and sent down here to get me to stop putting myself at risk. I felt my face go really hot.
"Sorry."
Ruuel shook his head, then stood. "Confine yourself to the upper five delar," he said, and walked off.
He was out of the room before I remembered I wanted to thank him for my pippin. I could have just sent him a message through the interface, but it wasn't the same, so I put my breather back in and dropped back under water and spent about ten minutes being massively upset.
It wasn't a particularly rational response. After all, instead of telling me I had to have people with me when I went swimming, or telling me off for doing things which someone had obviously considered dangerous, he'd just put a sensible limit on it and left me to it. But I felt bad that he'd been woken up on his holiday because I need babysitting.
And because I do need babysitting right now.
After a while it occurred to me that being upset had distracted me from being underwater. I'm still not keen to go swimming, but I didn't think I was going to achieve anything more hanging around in the pool. Plus I felt really exhausted by then, so I went back to my room and fell asleep. And had horrible nightmares about being chased.
The Touchstone Trilogy Page 42