"It's being expanded. Properly shielded quarters for Setari stationed at Pandora. And that confirms that you can reach over that kind of distance."
"Earth even farther away," I said, sighing.
"Very likely." She gave me an evaluating look, then nodded, apparently deciding I wasn't going to go experimenting with trying to see Earth any time soon. Not that I probably wouldn't try if they gave me a supply of extreme headache medicine. And I probably will, eventually, if they don't include it in my training and testing in the next couple of months. There are limits.
Not soon though. My head is still pounding underneath the blocking.
Friday, July 4
Somebody Wake Up
All morning in medical again – partially the inevitable brain scans, partially fooling with my legs, which are now encased in a different sort of bandage: a waterproof one I'm allowed to get wet, but not to soak, so no swimming or baths for the next couple of days.
I was eating a light lunch in the canteen when the captain of Tenth, Els Haral, slid onto the seat opposite, pulling Fourteenth's captain Kin Lara down beside him.
"It's against captainly protocols to gossip," Haral told me, smiling. "So we're not at all asking you whether it's true that Twelfth won some kind of ice environment combat exercise over all the other squads based on Muina."
"Squads gave me a snowball fight as a present, but is a game, not training," I said firmly. 'Ice environment combat exercise'. Seriously.
Lara, who had briefly looked less sleepy than usual when Haral pulled him into the seat, shook his head, then gave in. "Either way, Twelfth won? Over First and Fourth?"
"And Second, Third, and Kolar's First Squad. Zan picked smart strategy."
"How does the game work?"
Since they gave an impression of being pleased that Twelfth had won, but not in any way negative toward the other squads, I explained. So far as I can tell, First is considered the best close combat team, while Ruuel is probably the best individually, with Maze and Mara both considered almost equally dangerous. Not that I can get anyone to actually tell me that – but neither Haral nor Lara were the slightest bit surprised that Ruuel had won the second game.
It's nice to know that Zan has some allies among the other squads. I had the faintest suspicion that Haral was teasing Lara about Zan, so maybe he'd be more than an ally if Zan gave him a chance. They stayed and chatted to me. Interested in Kalasa of course, but Haral also had lots of questions about Earth: he wanted to know more about volcanos and the things that made Earth different from Muina. They're both very easy to talk to – more relaxed than a lot of the younger Setari – but eventually I had to go be tortured by Mara, who made me do something like Pilates or yoga. Lots of stretching myself and holding positions.
I spent that torture session turning over who Haral reminded me of, and finally worked it out. Not in looks, but that soft-spoken, laid-back thing he does is very similar to the Hicks character in Aliens.
Saturday, July 5
Size matters
No dangerous dreams last night, though I have some tangled memories that feel uncomfortable. I have noticed that my ability to tell who is nearby has expanded in range, and asked Zee how many Sights I might have: one or a hundred. Knowing where people are, and seeing coloured lights, and seeing things in the past and seeing fictional places, and seeing what's happening on another planet all seem like rather different things to me. The most she could tell me is that it seems to consistently be the same area of my brain, and that it might be similar to Place Sight, which can be used in a lot of different ways.
I'm glad I don't feel people's emotions when I touch them.
Today we measured the energy output required for me to see different sized things which were all roughly at the same distance. And then fictional as opposed to real things. It made me very tired, and I had a nap before a squad dinner in Ketzaren's rooms. She'd changed her wall display to a slideshow of images of Muina: snow and plains and mountains and streams and different forests and a wetland I hadn't seen before, amazingly full of birds.
First Squad was decompressing after their rotation earlier in the day, and it seems they are finding it a big mental and emotional adjustment to go from the work they'd been doing on Muina to the intensity of rotations, where they are only ever winning battles, and never the war. And it's getting harder. Twelfth isn't the only squad which has hit some bad rotations lately and been injured, mainly due to an increase of deep-space Ionoth. Maze said they're trying to decide between supplementing the existing squads with qualifying Kalrani, or simply having squads work in pairs. The whole reason the current squads are six members is because Ionoth, particularly deep-space Ionoth like swoops, are drawn to larger groups. If they're having to deal with them anyway, then larger groups may gain more than they cost.
Sunday, July 6
Mara is evil
Tired. Sore. Debating taking a sickie tomorrow.
Monday, July 7
All worked up over nothing
Lunch with Haral – Els – again. I guess I wasn't wrong, back when I tested with Tenth Squad, in thinking that maybe he liked me. My withdrawal that time must have just made him decide on a patient approach. He's not overloading me with compliments, but he's taking the opportunity of our lunch shift being at the same time to talk to me. No pressure, just chatting in a group with the rest of his squad, but I could tell he was into me.
So could his squad, judging by the wide-eyed glances a couple of them exchanged.
Els is a very cool and attractive guy and I like him. I can't decide what to think about the possibility of more. I'm definitely giving it a lot of thought, and my training session with Zee didn't go very well because I was distracted. But at least I discovered that if I think about two different things at once and don't concentrate on just the one location I can give myself a really magnificent headache.
I'm trying to decide whether to respond to Els, or avoid him, or just treat him like a friend and pretend I hadn't noticed any overtones of more. I do like him. I can easily imagine being with him. But how is it fair on Els to encourage him if I'm not sure I'd want to go through with it? When I wake up every morning totally focused on the absence of one very particular person? But I don't want to be that either, mooning hopelessly over someone who isn't a type of person I'd ever thought I'd like, is probably in a relationship with someone else, and has done his best to keep me at a distance.
Stupid. Stupid dilemma. I need to stop thinking about this.
Tuesday, July 8
Peering in the windows
Mara eased up on me a little today. She said she couldn't bear my expression of dread any longer. And I sat in on a First and Second Squad group training session – just watching – because Maze and Grif wanted to think more on Rotational dynamics with a doubled squad. Afterwards they actually took me out into the city for dinner, which is the first time for ages and probably only happened because two whole Setari squads is sufficient to not only block me from casual view but to daunt even the most enthusiastic gawker. I did notice that even on their home island the social politeness of people pretending not to recognise them as Setari when they're not in uniform has more or less fallen away, but we were still left to go to the fondue restaurant unharassed.
Nils, in an uncharacteristically non-flirtatious mood, talked to me a lot about the visualisations I've been doing and the difference between them and his illusions. There was an underlying current of concern behind all the conversation, but it was still a nice night.
Wednesday, July 9
Calooh! Callay!
Excellent, excellent day.
It started out routine, racking up another few hours in medical. I hesitated a bit before going to get lunch, still undecided on how I wanted to handle Els, but eventually figured that chatting over lunch could hardly hurt me. And then when I got to the canteen he was already with his squad at a full table, so I sat with Hasen and Henaz from Eighth, who were having breakfast. I'm finding i
t rare to go to the canteen and there not be someone around who wants to ask me all about some aspect of Muina.
Tenth Squad caught up with me as I was heading off to meet Zee and rather blatantly abandoned me with Els. They're finding the idea of him pursuing me tremendously entertaining, but he's good at not making it awkward. He told me how jealous they all were that Fourteenth has just been assigned to Muina, then asked me how my Sights and oddly real illusions training was going as we rode the elevator down to one of the main junctions. That's all no secret among the Setari now.
"The music from the Kalasa manifestation was particularly interesting," he said, as I headed for a connecting elevator. "A melody, instruments, revived for a moment from extinction. Can you do that with the music of your own world? Manifest how it sounds from memory?"
I stared at him, thinking through the possible differences in picturing something on Earth, and projecting something I remember, then said: "I don't know. But I'm certainly going to try."
He laughed. "I'm relieved I asked that just before you were heading to a monitored session."
I could only nod speechlessly, too excited for words as my lift came. "Thanks for the idea," I said, very glad I'd ended up talking to him, then spotted Third and Fourth getting off one of the opposite lifts and waved just before my doors shut. Fourteenth must be swapping out to relieve the senior exploration squads.
Zee blinked when I showed up bubbling over with Eeli levels of enthusiasm, and gave me a dry look as I tried to sell her on the idea of music being the same as fiction and not at all like me trying to look all the way to Earth and it wasn't even the Sight part that mattered, but manifesting something I remembered already.
"No argument in the world's going to stop you trying, so I won't even bother," she said. "Since you haven't been able to manifest anything lately, it may be a moot point, but so long as you follow orders and don't do this outside the test environment, it's as good a test subject as any other."
I've never looked forward to a test session so much. In truth, I've never really looked forward to a test session – it's hard to look forward to headaches and exhaustion. All the short train journey I was trying to pick which song I'd really really missed and decided on Hollaback Girls, not because it was my favourite, but because it reminds me of Alyssa. I've been really wishing I could ask Alyssa what she thought about the whole Els situation. Actually, I already know – Ruuel's really not her type of guy. She'd think me mad for ever preferring him to Els.
Then I fretted about whether or not my manifestation would still be too sore to use, and it did still feel a bit stretched. But useable.
It was tiring to do, but nothing like looking at Muina had been. I didn't get much further than the first chorus, then lost focus and stopped, panting slightly, but smiling hugely. I've never been so happy.
"Can I try something else?" I asked Zee, once Ista Chemie had confirmed that the power cost wasn't exorbitant. "A picture instead of a sound?"
I was lucky that one of the walls of the warehouse was clear of boxes. It made for a really, really huge screen. And I had just the documentary I wanted to show.
"This is my world," I told Zee unsteadily. The glowing blue and green and golden ball revolved slowly. "That's Australia." I wiped at my face, changing what I was trying to project. "This is Sydney. Where I – where I grew up."
I had to have a little emotional break. Zee gave me a hug and Ista Chemie fed me hot drinks, and it was just so nice that all these frustrating and painful talents can finally give me something I actually want.
I was already way too tired, but Zee agreed to let me do one more. I almost couldn't concentrate from trying not to giggle, and made sure to get a good look at Zee's face as I said: "Johnny Depp, playing Captain Jack Sparrow." It was impossible to hold it very long, and I was so tired, but laughing. "Maze going to kill me."
Zee made a deal with me – I can try and manifest any music or images I want once every day after my other training is done, but only if I have at least one person with me and weren't somewhere inconvenient to get to medical. I emailed Els and thanked him for the good idea and then sent him and First Squad and Isten Notra and Shon and Mori and Par and Glade and Zan and Eeli the images which the scanners at the warehouse had recorded of Earth. My own log was useless since crying blurred all the images. The Captain Jack sequence I sent separately just to First Squad, because I think Maze is going to kill me enough already without spreading it everywhere.
I fell asleep on the trip back, of course, and had fun reading everyone's email responses when I woke up, particularly Lohn's about Captain Jack. I'm so happy, and beyond all the feel-good stuff it will just be really useful being able to illustrate some of what I've been trying to explain about Earth. I'm pretty sure some sort of Sight must be involved in the projection, because there's no way my memory is as good as those images.
Excellent, excellent day.
Thursday, July 10
Voyeur
I was just hyped all day, totally looking forward to being allowed to try and visualise something else. Mara said all the enthusiasm was useful for making me do more for my physical training – which is either getting easier or I didn't feel it as much. The bandages are off my legs again, so we could have swimming in the afternoon, which I think Mara chose deliberately so I didn't feel so tired afterwards. All First Squad joined us, and then came back to my rooms afterwards since I particularly wanted to show them things. I think they were all enjoying me being happy instead of the mope monster in the corner. Maze brought along a scanner for me which I can keep in my rooms to record any images or sounds I want to keep since a good scanner has a much less contaminated quality than things filtered by human eyes and ears, but he warned me that if anything involved pirates he may just have to have Mara increase my exercise load. Maze took the whole Jack Sparrow thing pretty well – I think it embarrassed him, but he doesn't mind a bit of teasing. And he agreed that Johnny Depp looks a lot like him (except much older, and Maze doesn't go in for facial hair).
We met Mori riding the elevator, and I invited her along, but she said that Fourth is doing a lot of training catch-up after being away from the training facilities for so long, and had to rush off. She looked really tired, so I guess that was her way of saying Ruuel is working Fourth into the ground.
I was very keen to make sure no-one thought it was too much stress on my system, so kept each image that I was displaying to a relatively brief duration, but I finally got to show Lohn what I meant by surfing and skiing. Then I showed them some Mayan and Egyptian pyramids and Machu Piccu, which was strategy on my part, since I knew that Islen Duffen would be highly encouraging of being able to see pieces of Earth's ancient world. They agreed that there must be some kind of Sight element to me 'remembering' the fragments of documentaries I was replaying, but it didn't seem to be costing me too much energy.
It's still fairly tiring, though, and I can't play a whole song in one hit. Maybe I can put them together bit by bit. I fell asleep leaning on Ketzaren, and woke covered up but still on the couch, with Ghost curled up snugly with me. I've really got to remember to eat dinner before doing stuff I know will make me pass out.
I'm a little worried about doing this, because it might make me stronger. And the stronger I get, the more chance I have of accidentally hurting someone. If I dream about monster insects again, for instance. My Sights have definitely been growing stronger, particularly since I tried looking all the way to Muina. Since then I can sense people four levels up, and the shielding is posing less of a barrier. That has its good points and its bad points, one of which I found when I woke up just now and I wasn't missing Ruuel. Not because Els has succeeded in distracting me, but because he's asleep one floor up. If he's within my senses when I wake, it doesn't ache nearly as much.
The downside is that I really, really don't want to know if he's sleeping with Taarel. I'm trying to let him go, but that would be hard to deal with so I'm working very hard on figuring out a way to
not be constantly half-aware of people around me. I need to be able to choose to be looking, or not looking, to not just be absent-mindedly aware. I've already discovered that Mori's sleeping with the Eighth Squad captain (or they're just...chatting...really closely...in the middle of her sleep cycle) and even without my problems with Ruuel I could live without finding out whole bunches of really private stuff about people by accident.
When I was sending my Earth pictures around yesterday, he was actually the first person I addressed the email to. Because he'd been training me, and, well, because I wanted to share them with him and I was very happy. But everyone else I was sending it to was my friend, and I realised I was pushing again, trying to get closer despite all my resolutions, so I removed his name. He'll read Zee's training report, after all.
Wonder if Zee will let me test more Earth-related stuff tomorrow?
Friday, July 11
Getting a message across
Big serious discussion today with Maze about The Hidden War. I've been ignoring the legal wrangling about it, although I knew that Evil PR Bitch has been slapped with massive fines and some weird kind of 'house arrest' which severely limits her rights and movements. The question hasn't been so much what happens to her (may she rot), but whether the producers can continue to use the information she provided.
"KOTIS is under a great deal of pressure at the moment," Maze told me. "Unlike our work in the spaces, Muina represents an immense emotional, financial and political...property. The question of whether KOTIS should control what is happening there has been raised again and again by those who see it primarily as a home to reclaim. There is increasing resentment over any attempt to control the information coming out of Muina, a growing sense that there are unnecessary layers of secrecy. KOTIS initially struggled to prevent any use of the information leaked about you altogether, but was met with political opposition as much as legal. It is very difficult to argue that it is not in the public's interest to know these things, when you can scarcely find a person outside of KOTIS who agrees."
The Touchstone Trilogy Page 60