I was crying when I woke up, and was then in an extremely awkward position because my energy output had made it obvious I was having some kind of talent dream, and there I was with tears running down my face and not wanting to admit why.
Kaoren was sitting watching me, so I opened a channel. "Can I just say that my dream wasn't anything to do with Muina or Cruzatch or anything that needs to be talked about?"
"What was it about?"
"Senior Setari private lives."
My day would have been far less uncomfortable if he'd been willing to leave it at that, but Kaoren gave me a searching look and then asked, "If you were dreaming something like that, why didn't you wake yourself up?"
And the problem was that I hadn't been able to. Admittedly I hadn't tried immediately, fascinated when I realised that Nils had been dating Helese Surion, but I'd tried to wake up when she and Nils started making love, and hadn't been able to. It was just like when I was trapped in my ghost-girl's dream. And as soon as I told Kaoren that it hadn't been my dream exactly, he immediately wanted to know whose it was.
It didn't seem possible to avoid answering that, and after a quick interface conversation Kaoren confirmed that Nils had been sleeping – and dreaming – at the same time as me. But I was very firmly of the opinion that there was no way in hell I was going tell anyone what Nils had been dreaming, and escaped into the shower to buy myself some thinking time. Kaoren told me later that he could mainly sense overwhelming guilt from me, which wasn't easy for him, but he decided that the simplest thing to do would be for me to talk to Nils and confirm that we'd been dreaming the same thing, and that there was no need to record the actual content of the dream.
Talking to Nils was the absolute last thing I wanted to do – closely followed by talking to anyone in First Squad (who were fortunately still asleep) – but I knew that saying that would only compound an already mortifying situation, so I forced myself to go off to a neutrally boring little meeting room where Nils was waiting. He was looking down at his hands when I arrived, his expression remote and stern, and I instantly pictured him naked and miserable and wished I was anywhere else.
Nils glanced up and saw me cringing in the doorway, and the stern look went away as he smiled. "If you go about acting like I might eat you, I might be tempted to try."
"I'm sorry," I blurted out in response. "I didn't mean to do that to you."
For a second something harder came into his eyes, but he sighed and said: "I know. Sit down. Your very annoying boyfriend has given me a list of questions to answer."
I sat, and said, "I can guess. No I wasn't thinking about you or, uh, any other Setari before I went sleep. I was thinking about Sen's parents. It very much like the dreams I had when Lira dreaming of talking to Kaoren, though not nearly as tiring. Like I was there, but not. The dream went from birthday to engagement party to your apartment."
He lifted his eyebrows, amused, but I know now that Nils is not nearly so carefree as he makes out, and I cringed all the more inside. I've never done anything before which made me feel so completely in the wrong.
"Lohn and I are going to have to increase the scale of red we can try to make you turn," he said lightly. "Did you know that today is 'Lese's birthday? She would have been eighty."
I shook my head. "No-one talks about her."
"No. Helese, Cham, Senere, Mede, Suzlein. And two of the younger squads, all gone in a single blow. Alay was deeply involved with Suzlein. She plays around with some sour squitch of a technician now, I think to punish herself for being alive. Regan and Mede had been on and off for years, but they were on at that time and he – I barely recognise him. All of these people we'd known since our twenties, almost a third of all the people who we relied on to understand us, lost. We barely functioned in the aftermath. Kisikar retired. Do you know what the most frightening thing about you is?"
That I couldn't answer, but he wasn't expecting me to. "Not that you can cause someone to relive their past – for that was far more than a dream for me – but that you could far surpass me in conjuring up people to chat to. I've talked to 'Lese on every one of her birthdays since she was fifteen – I knew her before the Setari program began – and didn't let a little matter like her death end that. But it's just an image of her, and I'm not sure I'd make the image talk back even if I could achieve that. But you – you could create something which was 'Lese."
"At least until I passed out," I said.
"Mn, and I doubt 'Lese would appreciate being made an Ionoth, no matter how briefly. This isn't likely to be the last time you do something which hurts someone. That's why you're working to learn how to control it. The sheer scope of what you might do is undercut by your tendency to nearly die in the process, but if we ever get past current dramas you're going to have to expect people to realise you are frightening as well as amusing. And prepare for those who would use you, or remove you, because you are unutterably dangerous. I suppose it's fortunate you think someone like Ruuel a wonderful thing." He paused, considering me, then added with a sheerly wicked grin: "And I am going to enjoy telling people that you were having an erotic dream about me."
My horrified reaction to this made him laugh, and he stood up, opening the door. "The correct response to that should be 'And not for the first time!', but I'll forgive you the lapse. We've covered enough for me to write this report, anyway."
He left, but I sat there for a while, thinking about how different from the usual Nils he'd been, how he'd given me a lecture, and a warning, and calmed me down at the same time. And that he hadn't tried to pretend that I hadn't hurt him. Kaoren came to check on me, and since the meeting room is more private than my medical room, I climbed into his lap and kissed him a lot, then told him how awful I felt about invading Nils' privacy like that, and wanted to know if he had any suggestions for how to not ever do that again. I wish he'd said yes, that there was something instant and immediate and certain. He did say it shouldn't be overlooked that Nils is an extremely strong Illusion talent, which is a thing not completely dissimilar from my projection abilities, and suggested that I should think over any distinctive aspects of the dream so that I can try to escape it as it forms. I spent the rest of the day trying to find a big enough rock to crawl under.
But there's no place to hide in a facility designed to observe you, and I had little chance of escaping Maze, though he did give me until lunchtime, after First came back from a morning patrol. He took me up to eat lunch on the roof, which would otherwise be a treat given that I'm not allowed out of the compound.
He gave no sign of being upset, and when we were both sitting asked: "Did you know Nils was once a captain candidate?" He didn't wait for an answer, going on: "One of the best, but he withdrew his candidacy shortly before he and Helese stopped seeing each other. It bothered 'Lese a great deal, because she knew she was the reason, though she couldn't argue against his logic, since he said he wouldn't put a squad in danger because his focus wasn't on them. Nils doesn't argue, or discuss the things which matter to him: he decides his preferred course and carries it out. When he saw how powerfully drawn 'Lese was to me, he switched himself out of a position of responsibility and quietly ended their relationship. Almost everyone believes it was the mutual waning of interest he claimed, for he loathes exposing his true feelings, and hides them very well."
"Hope you're not trying to make me feel better," I said, feeling about an inch tall.
"I'm trying to identify what caused this," he said, grave and calm. "Today, there's only one thing Nils would have been focused on. The dream was about 'Lese, wasn't it?"
I nodded, mouse-like.
"That makes your dream far less likely to be only triggered by you, you see. The sheer strength of Nils' emotion may be the reason you dreamed as you did. In a way he may have shaped your power, just as it is believed the Ena is shaped by the minds, thoughts and feelings of the living."
"Do you believe that?" I asked. I've been far, far too interested in Zee's and Nils' relationshi
p to regard a handily-delivered explanation as anything but the result of my own curiosity.
"I believe a dream about 'Lese on 'Lese's birthday is unlikely to be coincidence. This really matters to you, doesn't it?"
"It–" I was burningly embarrassed all over again. "Even if didn't mean it, it was violation. If someone did that to me, I don't know if could stand look at them ever again."
"Then learn how to prevent it," Maze said, straightforwardly. "Knowing that the dreamer is reliving their past will no doubt give you extra determination, even if the dream is not one you control." He gave me one of his glorious smiles. "We're not going to hate you for this, Caszandra. Certainly not Nils, who is far too just. And we have a certain amount of experience accepting that Place and Sight Sight talents will know far more about our inner lives than we'd care to reveal. Like you, they are generally generous enough not to treat that knowledge as gossip."
But nor does anyone really like the fact, even without having it underlined by being forced to relive the best and worst days of your life. The idea that it was Nils driving the dream, not me, isn't any more comforting, since that means that my dreams, my projections, can be controlled from outside by people other than touchstones.
I've been stressed out all day, and don't want to sleep and I'm painfully aware that everyone, from Kaoren to the technicians, has been wracking their brains trying to find a way to calm me down. I didn't even want to write in my diary, but Kaoren asked me to because he thinks it will help.
I used to like sleeping.
Monday, October 13
Stasis
Kaoren did the otters visualisation with me before I went to sleep, and this was familiar and comfortable enough that I was able to recognise when I started projecting it, and to keep it as my own dream rather than manifest it. This small advance in control has made me feel vaguely hopeful overall, and at least I felt well-rested when I woke up, and not nearly so tense and sick.
But I still don't want to go anywhere near Nils or First Squad and so was less than keen to be sent for basic stepping exercises with Mara. Mara was a particular hurdle, since I had after all watched her have sex with Nils and didn't know how much that night had mattered to her, or the timing of her relationship with Lohn, or anything. But she didn't ask questions, only gave me a quizzical, evaluating look, then took me through the stepping exercises, and didn't act at all curious about what I may or may not have been dreaming. After that, Lohn showed up and wanted to know how the kids were going and how they were taking to Siame – which seems to be a hostile truce at the moment – and we ended up making a channel with them and playing games for much of the afternoon.
Siame approached the games in the same manner as Kaoren – incisive and methodically competent, not holding back, but not apparently concerned about victory. The atmosphere changed when Fourth came back from their patrol, and Kaoren joined in. Against him Siame was competitive.
Lohn was very amused by this, and afterwards when all four squads were together for dinner/breakfast, he told Kaoren that he felt he should be insulted by how Siame obviously rated him and Mara. Everyone was being chatty, doing their best to put me at my ease, and when Nils leaned down at dinner to murmur in my ear: "This is just to make you blush," of course I did, and managed to give him the proper annoyed grimace afterwards. But I don't know if I'll ever be able to not feel guilty every time I see him.
Tuesday, October 14
Forward
Big progress, not from me, but from the exploration team led by Third who have been exploring Oriath, the middle-sized city in the southern hemisphere mentioned by Lira. They've located an extra-large underground facility, with requisite malachite marble, a fair distance outside the city. Eeli is very proud of herself, and rightly so, since they're hoping this may be the headquarters of the House Zolen conspirators. Planning is already underway to create a research site there, and to my relief there's also discussion about moving me back to Pandora, since I've spent a few days on Muina now without having a major medical crisis. Particularly because they want to divert some of my excessive escort to the Oriath site. They've sent Eighth off to join Third already.
My attempt to dream of Lira last night didn't go anywhere, which at least means I had another good night's rest. The technicians are saying that I may be able to have my eye unbandaged tomorrow, and if I'm given an all-clear on health, they're considering a visualisation. The patrols haven't spotted any Cruzatch in this area, so KOTIS Command figures that they can have me test in the Ena here, and then if all goes well whisk me off to somewhere else.
Ghost has reappeared. I hadn't seen her since we flew here, and was privately rather worried. But she woke Nils up today sleeping on his chest. He seemed happy to see her, but I earned a minor lecture from Maze for failing to mention that she'd ridden along with us. Then she was fussed over a lot, and is happily seducing random technicians.
Partway through the day I had a nice long discussion with Isten Notra, who had read all my clumsy reports on my dreams, and spent a full kasse winkling every possible detail out of me, pushing me for all the impressions and opinions that I shy away from expressing.
We received further scripts for The Hidden War today as well, with the first few episodes rewritten in more detail – they'll be going into production on those soon I guess – and the next few episodes in first draft. I was highly amused to see that they had written in the whole stealing of my personal file, and me being made part of a Setari entertainment program. I can't say I enjoyed the script all about me being emotionally frayed, but the stuff about Lastier's squad being scandalised by their portrayal was very funny. Then there's the Velcro/Astroturf massive, which is another script I didn't enjoy, but was generally accurate.
Wednesday, October 15
Sudden Defence
I woke up in the middle of the night because Kaoren had been gone a while, and found him, Maze and Grif Regan down in the dining room, taking part in an interface meeting. There had been an attack on the Oriath expedition. Eeli's unconscious with a head injury, and Kade from Eighth is badly torn up. It was a huge surge of Cruzatch, and they only overcame it because the ships had weapons, and the Setari were able to retreat to them and blast everything in sight.
The attack suggests that Oriath is important to the Cruzatch, which I guess counts as useful information. KOTIS has withdrawn entirely from the site for now, intending to return in force.
This makes the question of what to do with me a tricky one, and Kaoren's just told me that they've decided on an Ena visualisation trip ASAP, and then to observe me sleeping afterwards, and they'll decide whether to send me back to Tare or on to Pandora depending on whether I have another 'episode'.
Tactical Survey
They had me visualise the site at Oriath, after showing me the mission log. Third and Eighth had been exploring a sprawling palace which was above the sealed installation, searching for entrances and any information. After I'd watched the log to just before the point where they were attacked, Kaoren stepped me through a description of the room they'd been in, but continually emphasising that there were no Cruzatch there, and I was able to project the room and the surrounding ones without effort. Fortunately without the Cruzatch, as ordered, although the theory was that I could just drop the projection if I produced them as well.
My minders (all three squads) fanned out and explored the nearby areas which Third and Eighth hadn't reached as yet, and then we headed back to real-space, leaving a drone behind to monitor for Cruzatch. If they showed up, it would suggest Cruzatch are able to detect my projections.
Back in real-space, they had me project the same area again, but this time with Cruzatch, emphasising what the area looked like right at that moment. So long as no-one moves the projected physical objects, or makes too much noise, projected Ionoth don't notice people in real-space and – depending on how strongly I'm projecting – are often only visible to me. In this case the Setari could sort of see the Cruzatch, and they could defini
tely see the crystallised webbing the Cruzatch were laying down, just as they had around the Kalasa platform. This is very good information to know, and I can now regard myself as a military spy satellite.
They debated having me try to project what the place had looked like back before the disaster, but this was deemed too risky, so I was sent to medical to be tired, and since I slept without even dreaming, let alone getting trapped anywhere, we're on the way to Pandora. Haven't told the kids yet, because I can't resist surprising them, whether they appreciate it or not.
Reunion
My morning visualisation and midday nap has messed me up rather thoroughly in terms of adapting to Pandora's earlier timeframe. I'd only been awake (again) for a couple of hours when we arrived at Pandora around its sunset. Everyone had been in a grim mood the entire day, and an undernote of anger was added in when we reached the Setari building and met up with Third and Eighth – those who weren't in medical, anyway. Only a few of them don't have some sort of injury – Cruzatch are quick close-combat fighters, and nanosuits only partially protect the Setari from their burning claws. They'd also proven adept at throwing chunks of rubble during combat, which is what had happened to Eeli. She's over at the main medical building.
Taarel's hair's really short. She was clawed across the back, and her long spirals of hair were severed and melted so she cut it all off. She looks amazingly different, but still very regal and commanding and very intent on the plans for the counter-strike, even though Third won't be going. I think she needs to concentrate on that to stop herself worrying about Eeli.
More squads are coming from Tare and Kolar, along with smaller combat-oriented ships. The exact timing for the attack hasn't been settled, and won't be until after another visualisation.
I only stayed down in the common room for a short while, then Kaoren and I went up to be with the kids (who were having their bath when we first arrived). Rye was first out, and stopped dead at the sight of the two of us talking quietly to Siame, and then went all formal, which was impossibly sweet and reminded me of those really old movies where the kids call their fathers 'Sir'. Kaoren put his hand on Rye's head by way of greeting and the poor kid just about died of joy. It was interesting watching Siame's shut-down expression – I think of the three she feels the most sympathy for Rye, but it really hurts her to see Kaoren being affectionate with other people.
The Touchstone Trilogy Page 92