"And I see no way to prove this," Isten Notra said. "If Muina was created, there does not appear to be any active link to the creator, and there is no sign of an external power source maintaining this world. Nor does it show any sign of being located within the Ena. Is there any known place on your world similar to the room with the shrouded child?"
I shook my head, and Isten Notra leaned forward to take my head and briefly squeeze it. "Then I have no answer for you, child. What you suggest may be true, or may simply be fear and fancy. And I suspect I know why it weighs on you."
"We're going to kill everyone on that planet."
"Very likely. Or they will capture you and place you in a room and finish what they started, with who knows what effect on Muina. Or we will not find all the power stones in time, and everything around us will tear apart. When you are presented hateful choices, you can only measure the cost of not acting." Isten Notra stood up. "But you were wise to ask this off-log. Even though the restrictions against viewing such monitoring are not so easily ignored as you seem to think, I will set a process in place to ensure that logs of your daily life are deleted within the shortest possible timeframe. As for this discussion, I will note that you wished to speak openly about your concerns regarding the destruction of the parasite world, and also that you fear to be used in the way that the child, Liranadestar, was. Your log will restart in two joden."
Nodding to Kaoren she left, and I let out a breath. He sat down, then said: "An interesting irony if we, who have trained our entire lives to kill Ionoth, were a form of Ionoth ourselves."
"That's not what I meant!" I said, appalled. "It's totally–"
"Different? How far is the memory of a monster from the active projection of one?" His eyes were still narrowed, thoughtful, and he gave me one of his fractional smiles. "You ask difficult questions at times."
"Projections stop when I stop feeding energy into them. Ionoth are remembered by their spaces and come back," I said. "You – Eeli–"
"Will not. You've given yourself your answer." He held out his hand. "Even if Muina was made, it is a true world now, and does no damage by existing. That is certainly the answer I would choose to prefer."
And I will. I have to. Just as I have to accept that we are going to destroy what's sustaining Lira, because no other option seems workable.
Writing this down doesn't quite defeat the purpose of arranging to go off-log, but I guess I'm going to have to ensure my diaries are destroyed eventually, and not preserved as part of Muina's historic record.
Kaoren was more bothered by my questions than he wanted to let on, and this evening has continually tried to shift on top of me in his sleep. I've brought Sen into bed with us because she was struggling with her dreams too. I just want this waiting to be over, to have all the power stones found, and gone. And I'm trying to look at that positively, to think of it as saving what can be saved, and at least ending Lira's pain and confusion.
It's hard, though.
The expedition at Oriath is hoping to break through the shielding there tonight/tomorrow.
Sunday, October 26
Too Awful
Spoke to Lira last night. It wasn't a dream. I was asleep in bed with Kaoren and Sen when I felt Lira standing near us, and I woke myself up and she was there standing by the bed looking at us. I wasn't projecting, and didn't feel any power drain, so I was pretty surprised by this and only just stopped myself from elbowing Kaoren in the ribs, which wouldn't have been the nicest way to wake him up – I gripped his hand tightly instead as I said "Hello".
Lira looked at me, and at Kaoren as he lifted his head, then said: "Something's changed."
"It certainly has, if you can manage to be here all by yourself," I said, sitting up and reaching out to touch her arm. Warm and alive and at least temporarily real. "Thank you for warning us before."
"You were too slow," she told me. "The flying lizard was good, though."
"Were you able to see the meeting we had two days ago?" Kaoren asked (every bit a captain despite being dressed in the Singlet and boxer-briefs he wears to bed). "Where we discussed the site at Oriath and what we believe the people who kidnapped you did?"
"The old woman who kept talking," Lira said, in a flat tone which barely masked tight distress. "What room is it she was talking about?"
"It's underneath a palace to the south-west of Oriath," Kaoren said evenly. Then, after a brief pause added: "There is a shield about the complex, and today, just now, we succeeded in piercing it. Just before Cassandra woke."
Lira's no fool, and she knows that there's something dreadfully wrong with her, and she was being very brave trying to find out more. But she went so terribly white that I couldn't help myself, and scooped her into my lap and squeezed her hard. She reacted just like Ys, going rigid, but then when I – on the edge of hysteria myself – whispered "I'm sorry" into her ear over and over she suddenly gave a great shudder and clutched me and burst into tears – great, deep choking sobs full of confusion and fear and despair. We proceeded to cry all over each other, waking poor Sen up with a start (though she maintained her characteristic sweetness by patting both of us and making little comforting chirrupy noises and even pattering off and fetching water when we started to calm down).
Kaoren waited us out, no doubt having long discussions over the interface, though he did briefly squeeze my shoulder, despite what his Sights would make that feel like for him. Lira cried herself into limp exhaustion, and then faded away completely.
"Sorry," I said to Kaoren, taking the cup of water Sen was holding at a dangerous angle. "Not very useful to make her cry, but I couldn't help myself."
"It's what she's coming to you for," Kaoren said, briefly resting his hand on Sen's head so that she knew he approved of her being helpful. "Liranadestar must be aware that when she is conscious it's always in projection, that she is not returning to her physical self. And her captors interrupt the projection when they see it, which leaves her in a fragmentary and nightmarish state. It is comfort, more than answers, that she's seeking."
He didn't hide that this made him feel just about as bad as it did me. I leaned against him, then took Sen off and made us all hot drinks, and we carefully coaxed her back to sleep and sat up for a couple of hours watching the proceedings at Oriath over the interface. They had, as Kaoren said, only just made a breach in the shield when Lira had appeared, and had been performing scans when Kaoren contacted Maze. They actually waited out my weepy fit, which is going to look great on the mission report. "Pause while Devlin wept."
Then they sent First and Second in with Tsur Selkie, who had gone back to Oriath after the meeting because there's no other Place/Sight talents there at the moment.
The first floor wasn't too bad – was more of the same kind of living quarters and masses of dead people that we'd found at Arenrhon, but when they reached the ramp down they found that instead of a shield blocking their path there was...distinct weirdness. The ramp looks like it's underwater, and Tsur Selkie took a long look at it and then pulled the squads out and sent a drone in instead. The drone (a spider drone about the size and shape of a football but with lots of delicate pointy legs) made it about a third of the way down – measuring increasing pressure the entire way, and then collapsed and stopped transmitting. They sent two drones next time, and kept one at the top of the ramp recording what happened to the other one (which they sent down the ramp at a faster speed). It made it about halfway and then crumpled, metal bending and twisting.
This has rather put a damper on exploration, and they've set up drones to measure for any fluctuation in energy readings and eventually decided more Place Sight talents were now necessary, so they're swapping First and Ninth for Fourth, while sending Seventh back to Tare. I have to stay here still, which if it wasn't for Kaoren being gone would suit me fine, since I really don't want to go too close to that room. Mara, Zee, Alay and Ketzaren are going to take turns bunking on my couch.
No sign of Lira all day.
&nbs
p; Monday, October 27
Ties
Another Cruzatch attack at Oriath last night. They tried to be all sneaky about it, but again preparation and technology defeated them. The greensuits have been taking great satisfaction is setting up very subtle scanners and traps throughout the aboveground palace, and it's become almost impossible for the Cruzatch to get in to where the research bunker is situated.
Kaoren and Halla completely failed to produce any useful information about the distortion at the ramp, and so they've switched to assisting the extremely careful search of the palace and upper floor for any intact information, or Sight impressions, while the technicians try and analyse the tendency of drones to go CRUNCH.
I hate sleeping without Kaoren. I had intended to have Sen in with me, but I ended up staying up very late talking to Mara and nodded off on the couch, so she put me to bed – where I promptly had vague and unsettling dreams about Lira. Not Sight dreams, I think, just ones expressing how sad I felt about her.
It's very nice having First back though. They've a few minor injuries – and two very glum juniors who missed out on getting their captaincies purely due to chance – but First is very much what I need when I don't have Kaoren around. They're just such an important part of my life, and having breakfast with them made me feel happy and worried at the same time. They look so worn.
I'm feeling horribly anxious about everyone right now.
Most of the day was filled with training – Mara obligingly including the kids in the torture session, and Lohn whisking them off for games and snacks when they'd run out of pep. She kept me going for much longer, until I could finally escape her and ease my aching bones into a bubble bath. Evil Mara.
I hadn't been in there very long when Ys surprised me by sending a channel request, and when I accepted it she said flatly: "Lira is in my room."
"She wanted to ask you something?" I asked.
"I showed her how to use my model," Ys said, even more flatly – it was hard to tell if she was annoyed, or daring me to object.
I thought about telling her to make a log (she has the ability now, having flown through infant's school already), but then said: "Let me know when you're ready for dinner."
I told Maze, of course, but he agreed that at the moment it was better not to distress Lira, and that if she'd heard anything important she would have come to talk to me. Sen and Rye soon joined Ys, and I settled on the couch listening to them playing Pictionary. If an afternoon with children who don't run away from her is all I can give Lira, I'm glad to at least give her that. I told Kaoren when he woke up that hearing Ys and Lira both laughing on the same day was almost too much for my feeble mind to process.
Lira left without coming out of Ys' room-nook – I'm willing to bet that breaking down and crying has made her all embarrassed and angry about it – she's so like Ys. Who came out and glowered at me, and then glowered even more when I hugged her and told her she was a very wonderful person.
We finished off Ys' book at story time, and I said it's my turn to pick the next one, which I have some plans for, but need to ask permission first.
Tuesday, October 28
Planning a Surprise
Ys' turn for nightmares last night. It's weird how, even though the kids' rooms aren't exactly close, I'm still better able to hear them tossing and turning than to notice people sneaking up on me. My kid-sense seems to be far stronger than my combat-sense. I took her a glass of water, and sat with her a little while. Of the three, she's most aware that Lira is probably not exactly alive, and we had a brief conversation (over the interface because she's aware Lira watches us) about whether we would be killing Lira by stopping whatever is going on, and whether it's better to release her from a half-life. Since I'm so confused about the question myself, it was hard to think of a way to be reassuring.
Ys has saved Lira's (rather good) attempt at creating a statue of a slinking cat, and kept looking at the model unhappily.
It was Zee's turn on the couch last night, and she was sitting up still when I went to fetch the glass of water, and waited for me to come back. My relationship with Zee has gone weird after my tangle with Nils' dreams. I'm pretty sure she really wants to know what I dreamed, but nothing could make her ask, and I'm busy pretending that there's no reason she'd be interested and having to stop myself from going: "OH BY THE WAY NILS LOVES YOU!!!1!!!" I'm definitely finding that it's not fun to know other people's secrets.
I was glad to talk to Zee though, about the kids and how they're coping with the dramas, and I particularly wanted to ask her about Siame. The medics are saying she'll be able to shift out of critical care soon, and I'm struggling with what to do about her current state of mind.
"I'm worried about her making decisions about her future based primarily on being upset because she couldn't fight three Cruzatch at once. Or because of me."
"Any Kalrani who can bring down even one Cruzatch should be congratulating herself," Zee said. "Nor does it sound like her relationship with her parents is as toxic as her brother's. No doubt, being Sight Sight talents, they'll prove to be perfectly tolerable people so long as you're doing what they think is right."
She was teasing me, and I laughed, and thanked her for letting me vent. Kaoren's family is one subject he and I don't seem able to discuss freely. I tried to talk to Zee about Eeli, but had to stop. It's too hard to talk about Eeli.
On the good news front, Dae's brand new Fifteenth Squad located one of the remaining malachite marble installations today. Two more to go, and then we...do something.
In the midst of Cruzatch raids and planet-wide marble hunts, KOTIS continues to push ahead with making Pandora a fully-functional colony as quickly as possible. Parts of the manufacturing 'outer suburb' is now operational, more and more apartment buildings have been completed, and including the Nurans we're coming up on the big twenty thousand residents mark, a number which amazes me.
Once the on-planet manufacturing process was functional, KOTIS Command was able to really move ahead, since they're now capable of producing the various components for fitting-out the apartments, from power units to waste systems to snotty goop that lives in your ducts and gives you nightmares. Mesiath was due to be made an active settlement this month, but because of the Cruzatch risk and the upcoming "doing something" they've postponed putting large numbers of people anywhere but Pandora, where the Ddura is now a near-constant background noise (for me).
All the incoming settlers are warned of the dangers, and are told firmly that they're taking a big risk coming here. It doesn't seem to have impacted application numbers greatly. Muina's so important to so many people, and also represents a big change in quality of life for many. And a big chance to become a land owner for others, judging from some of the discussions broadcast as part of the "forming Muina's laws" process. Everyone with any kind of interest is putting in their two cents about the next stage of the settlement. Once Pandora's not only self-sufficient, but able to provide for other colonies, people can start to expand out to the protected areas around other platform towns, and even further out, in individual houses rather than apartment block structures. An awful lot of people seem to have "lord of all they survey" ambitions, and I guess quite a few of them will get that to some extent or another. The designs for 'farming estates' are fascinating, and there's massive arguments about the process of giving grants for possession.
There were red pears on the table for lunch today and I just stared at them for a long time, and couldn't bring myself to eat one.
In the afternoon, I asked Maze if I could try to project something rather than do lots of exercise, and when they said okay (because they need to test how my ability to project has recovered) I said I'd need several scanners and all of First Squad's help, which made them very curious, but they obligingly didn't press me when I wouldn't say exactly what I wanted to create. I love that I can tell Maze "nothing anyone will object to" and he can give the go-ahead.
The thing I made was a bookshelf. The double
-deep bookshelf where Mum keeps her favourites, and the classic children's books she used to read me as a kid. Everything from old-fashioned books like Pride and Prejudice, and the picture books which don't fit on the other bookcases. I had two main aims here – all the things I've been longing to read to the kids, and this really massive coffee-table book of Mum's which was basically "lush and glossy shots of really nice paintings throughout history".
While I did everything I could to maintain the projection, First Squad obliged me by rapidly flipping through for the scanners the particular books I pointed out. I especially wanted the art history book, and explained that I wanted to see if I can get it reproduced physically as a present for Siame's birthday (so a lot of care was needed in scanning it), and this naturally was a secret. Fortunately, I put so much focus on that one that even when I passed out it endured for about half an hour and they were able to get every page properly scanned.
Having it turned into a book (with suitable translation of the titles) isn't necessarily difficult, but having it done without everyone on three planets knowing about it and Siame reading it as an interface release before I'd even given it to her is the hard part. Maze is going to try and wangle something. I didn't even read the kids any of the stories First had scanned for me because I want to wait until after Siame's birthday, and instead picked a smallish Kolaren book to read to them.
It's the first time I've had a secret from Kaoren, for all it's a really mild one, but I felt very strange not telling him about it. I think I have enough of an understanding of his Sights to at least not be carrying a big "keeping a secret" flag when he talks to me, though that's probably working because he's not here right now. He's not even sure he'll be able to make it back for Siame's birthday.
And no Lira today, which worries me.
Wednesday, October 29
A Heavy Place
I dreamed of the Oriath expedition last night, of Kaoren and Halla and Tsur Selkie comparing their impressions of what was happening to little balls which a technician was tossing down the gravity ramp. They were bouncy rubbery balls which the technician sent ricocheting up and down at the beginning of the ramp, but which then on the next bounce up barely hopped an inch and then squashed flat to the stone, then crumbled.
The Touchstone Trilogy Page 96