by Smith, Yessi
It took roughly two weeks for them to receive my background check and employment verification. I used that time productively, working overtime so I could earn extra money I was sure to need. And I cleaned obsessively. I knew someone from the Department of Children and Families would show up at my house unannounced, so I made sure to have my house clean at all times. Every day I vacuumed and mopped where necessary. I also dusted every crevice, bleached the bathrooms, and scrubbed the kitchen. Every night I’d take a Xanax and wash it down with a glass of wine. Apparently cleaning causes anxiety.
Before I had time to question what I was doing, I had bought my ticket to my hometown and was boarding the plane. I wasn’t returning home, I reassured myself. No, I was simply going for a short period of time and once I had Shayna with me, I’d return to Miami. My real home. When I discussed my situation with my boss, he had offered to give me two weeks of paid leave. I couldn’t thank him enough, but hated being in his debt.
The plane took off smoothly, but I grasped the sides of my seat and tried to calm my wrecked nerves by counting the pounding behind my chest. Because, obviously, that would help, I thought sarcastically. I wasn’t nervous about the flight, but where the plane was taking me. I had never wanted to go back.
I busied myself reading and listening to music, but found that neither could calm me. As had become the norm, sleep continued to dodge me. Since I could not rest my mind, I let it drift. From what Miller had told me, it would take several months for me to be able to adopt Shayna, but I might be able to have temporary custody of her until I was found qualified.
And would they find me qualified? I had a job and an apartment, and while that was more than my mother offered me growing up, was it enough? I hoped so. Once I realized I was Shayna’s only option for a real home, I actually wanted the responsibility of taking care of her. I wanted her in my life. I wanted her to have a better life than I had. Certainly I could provide her that.
Miller, who insisted I call him Nate, met me at the airport and took me to my hotel. I didn’t talk much, seeing as he seemed comfortable doing all the talking. I watched him and answered when appropriate, hoping he didn’t think I was slow-witted. But it was hard to get a grasp on reality, what with all the turmoil in my head and being in such close proximity with what I was sure was a male Aphrodite.
Everything about Nate screamed masculinity, from his square jaw, dark blonde crew cut hair, and strong, no bullshit green eyes. And familiarity. Could I have known him when I was Jordyn? I couldn’t remember and he didn’t bring it up. If we had known each other, than he would know what I had left behind and was considerate enough to not bring up our past.
He was young, probably around the same age as me, but already lines were forming in the outer edges of his eyes. He spoke to me about Shayna with such casual determination, I almost didn’t see how tired he looked. It was obvious Shayna had stopped being a case for him a long time ago. Shayna was personal.
He had been working on Shayna’s case since the day they found my mother dead in her mobile home. Shayna had been quiet in the beginning. She hadn’t spoken a single word for two months, but that hadn’t stopped Nate from visiting her every day. He was obviously taken with her and brought her dolls and played quietly with her until she was comfortable enough to speak to him. It took time, but they had become friends.
“Now, there ain’t no getting her to stop talkin’,” he laughed.
I smiled at him apprehensively. Would she like me? Would we become friends too? Or would she resent me for taking her away from a man she had come to trust?
Nate, sensing my thoughts, patted me on the shoulder awkwardly. “Well, I better get on then.”
I nodded my head at him and thanked him for everything he had done. We agreed he’d pick me up the following morning so we could meet with the case manager and maybe, hopefully, I could meet Shayna tomorrow.
I wasn’t sure how I felt about meeting her so soon. I wanted to, but I was scared, I admitted to myself. I had been so self-absorbed with my own life and its upheavals, I hadn’t thought much about Shayna’s. My mother had died six months ago, which meant that Shayna would have a set routine to her new life. And I was about to disrupt it.
***
I watched my little sister walk towards me, unsure of who I was, but confident with Nate’s hand in her own. She was tall for her age, or so Emily, her case manager had told me. As the picture Gonz had shown me depicted, Shayna had large blue eyes that searched her surroundings, wildly taking everything in. Her long blonde hair hung straight down her back, but someone had had the forethought of cutting her bangs, complimenting her eyes and the shape of her face.
As she approached, I got off my chair and crouched down on the floor so that our eyes met equally.
“Hi, Shayna. I’m Erin,” I told her.
Shayna nodded her head shyly and looked at Nate for his approval.
He also crouched down to our level, tousling Shayna’s hair on the way down making her smile at him. She loved him, I noted. And he loved her back. The thought warmed me.
“Erin’s come a long, long way to meet you and—”
“And play?” she interrupted Nate.
“Yeah,” he laughed. “And play.”
Shayna lifted her eyebrows at me expectantly. “What do you want to play?” I asked her.
“Baby. We play baby,” she told me, taking me by the hand and guiding me to her collection of baby dolls.
I sat down next to her, stroking the hair of the doll Shayna had given me. I wasn’t sure what to do next.
Nate sat down next to me and picked up my doll, putting her bottom close to his face and smelling loudly. “Phew!” he exclaimed. “Someone needs a diaper change.”
I smiled at him, grateful for some sort of direction. I smelled the doll too, saying, “Oh boy! He’s right. This little lady smells horrible.”
Shayne giggled and directed me to her dolls’ diapers. She pulled the doll’s dress up and expertly changed her diaper.
“Much better,” I told her. “Thank you,” I said in my best baby voice, leaning the doll to Shayna’s face and had the doll give her a kiss.
Shayna held the baby in a close hug, closing her eyes with a small smile. “Clean baby,” she declared. “Happy baby.”
“Very happy baby,” I agreed. “You know how to take good care of your babies.”
Shayna smiled at me, obviously happy with my observation. “You, little miss Shayna, are a very sweet girl,” I told her, smiling my first unrehearsed smile in a month.
“Up,” Shayna demanded, lifting her arms up at me. “Pick Shayna up.”
I picked her up and let her examine my face with her hands and unwavering eyes.
“Where’s Momma?” she asked me with tears brimming over her eyes.
I pressed my face between the crevice between her shoulder and neck, taking in a deep breath so she wouldn’t see the distress in my eyes. I took a seat on the couch and pulled her back on my lap, trying to figure out what she already knew and what I should say.
“Momma had to go,” I told her while she shook her head at me. “But I’m here and I promise I’ll take good care of you.”
Shayna continued to shake her head at me, angry and not understanding. I looked around the room for help, for some sort of insight on what was the right thing to say, and came back with nothing.
Nate knelt down in front of us and put his hands on Shayna’s shoulders. She stopped shaking her head and looked at Nate, trusting him.
“Shay,” he said softly to her. “Do you remember what I told you?”
She nodded her head. “Momma went to Heaven.”
“That’s right. She’s an angel now and is watchin’ over you.”
An angel? What kind of demented Heaven would allow the likes of her through their Gates? But that statement wasn’t meant for me. No, it was for Shayna, whose anguish was palpable.
Shayna shook her head again. “Erin look like Momma.”
“I
do,” I agreed, consciously forcing myself to smile at her when what I really wanted to do was run my nails down my face. To somehow change my appearance so I didn’t look like the woman I despised. “And you look like me. So we both have a piece of Momma inside us that no one can take away.”
I wasn’t sure if I had said the right thing, but Shayna didn’t question it. I let her cry on my shoulder for several minutes until she finally quieted down. Not sure what to do next, I instinctively kissed her forehead gently, which reminded me how much I enjoyed it when Trent used to kiss my forehead. Two weeks had passed since I had last seen him.
Pacified, Shayna crawled off my lap and returned to her dolls. As Shayna had done, I looked at Nate for his approval and found myself blushing when he smiled at me. So stupid, blushing over good looks and boyish grins. I would have rolled my eyes at myself if Nate wasn’t looking at me so intently.
Nervously, I looked away from him and joined Shayna on the floor with her dolls.
“Sing a song,” Shayna told me.
“Do your babies like music?” I asked her and she nodded. “We have that in common then. I love music. Hmmm,” I thought out loud. “My best friend taught me a silly song in Spanish about a flea. Do you wanna hear it?”
“Sure!” She nodded her head and bounced on her butt, waiting for me to start singing.
“Yo tenia un piojito que vivia en mi cabeza y se me perdio. Yo llore,” I pretended to cry. “Yo llore,” I fake cried again. “Por mi piojo peludo que vivia en mi cabeza y se me perdio.”
Shayna giggled at my song but overall, wasn’t impressed. It was probably my voice that threw the whole thing off, I laughed. For someone who loved music as much as I did, I was blessed with a voice that resembled cats fighting.
After a few hours, I had to leave, but I hugged Shayna and told her I’d see her the following day, which seemed to make her happy. At least, I hoped it did. I wanted her to like me. Not because I would be taking care of her, but because after just a few hours, I had fallen completely in love with her.
With Nate driving me to my hotel room, I quietly hummed the Spanish song about the flea and felt the anxiety I had been carrying on my shoulders finally begin to melt away. I had a little sister. I had a family.
Chapter 20
Shayna
She liked her new sister a lot. She was pretty like Momma and nice like Nate. She had a pretty voice and told stories that made her laugh. Erin was the family Nate had promised her and she tried so hard to behave and not cause the trouble she always seemed to cause Momma. She didn’t want to be alone, without a family anymore. She wanted Erin to want her, to see she was worth the trouble she’d inevitably cause.
Chapter 21
Erin
After a week of successful visits, I felt more confident. What’s more, I was pretty sure Emily and Nate were confident in me as well. Which was great since I compulsively sought out their reassurance.
I had met with Shayna’s guardian ad litem a few days earlier and was supposed to meet with the judge assigned to Shayna later that day. While my nerves were drawn thin, I sarcastically reminded myself how confident I felt. But Shayna did like me, so that had to count for something. She liked Nate more, but truth be told, I liked Nate more than I liked myself. Ha, right? He was charming, funny and kind. An all-around, likeable guy that reeked of virility.
I put on the shirt and dress pants I had bought the previous day and stared at myself in the mirror. I turned around, surveying myself the way Camilla would have if she were there and quickly felt the pang that followed whenever I thought of her. My hands shook, reminding myself I hadn’t taken a Xanax that morning. Nor would I. Because enough was enough. If I was to be granted custody of Shayna, I would not allow myself to be inhibited in the least bit. I’d abstain from alcohol, and apparently starting today, abstain from a pill that helped me feel less crazy.
With Nate chatting about nothing in particular, our trip to the courthouse was quick, and I found myself outside the court room waiting to see the judge. As soon as we were called into the room, I knew my decision to not take Xanax had been a mistake. Immediately my nerves became too much for me to handle, and I felt the blood rush out of my face, leaving me bracing onto Nate’s arm for support.
Nate looked at me questioningly, raising one eyebrow which would have amused me any other time since that was a talent I had always been jealous of.
“Just nervous,” I whispered back to him and he nodded.
Unlike the movies, the judge came in unannounced, smiling at us he asked us to sit back down even though none of us had stood when he entered the room. I laughed loudly, an obvious sign of just how nervous I was. He smiled at me amicably, which only intensified the knot in my stomach.
This man would ultimately decide which route my life would take. He could stand on his head, juggling bowling pins, and I’d still feel like vomiting.
He addressed the group I had come with who all acknowledged that I had met Shayna and gave their own opinions as to why I would be a good guardian for her. I sat quietly, listening to them, not really surprised by their words since I already knew they were on my side. But I was left without any defenses when Emily offered the judge two character reference letters from Sofia and Trent.
I physically had to restrain myself from jumping up and snatching those letters. I bit the inside of my check, trying to ground myself, but all I did was draw blood. I was at a courthouse, I reminded myself, meeting with the judge who would decide Shayna’s and my fate. I couldn’t allow my distress to change the future I had envisioned once I had met my little sister.
I carefully watched the judge’s face as he read the letters and knew Sofia and Trent had come through for me. Trent. I hadn’t heard from him in so long, I had almost convinced myself I had imagined our whole relationship and how great he was. Just the thought of him had me fighting back tears I didn’t realize I had.
After several minutes, the judge asked me to approach his bench, which I started to do with my knees practically knocking into each other. Disgusted with myself and the way I had been allowing my anxiety and “bullshit insecurities” (thanks Trent!) take control of my body, I forced my body upright and looked at the judge directly as I walked towards him. He may be able to decide Shayna’s and my fate together, but I’d be damned if I’d let anyone turn me into a quivering little girl afraid of her own shadow.
“Yes, sir?” I asked once I reached him.
“From my understanding, you would like to adopt your little sister?” he asked.
“Yes, sir,” I nodded.
“I’ve listened and read,” he said pointing towards the letters, “about your admirable qualities. Everyone here believes you’re capable of taking care of your sister. Do you?”
“Yes,” I repeated without taking my eyes off his.
“Why?”
“I know the kind of parent I don’t want to be,” I said with the hint of a smile as I repeated my best friend’s words. But now wasn’t the time for inside jokes. “I left Alabama without any money, but a goal to better myself. I paid my way through college and graduated with honors. I work full-time as a Nurse at a pediatrician’s office. I have a small apartment, but am saving for a bigger one so Shayna can have her own room. Shayna would never be hungry and I’d never leave her unattended.”
“And while you’re at work?” he asked and I looked at him dumbfounded because I hadn’t thought about that. Stupid. “Mrs. Sofia Cabrera said she would probably go to her ballet camp,” he offered.
“Yes. Of course,” I replied as if I had spoken to Sofia about this and silently thanked her.
“You’re twenty-two years old, correct, Ms. Lewis?” he asked and I nodded. “A young woman. Wouldn’t having a child disrupt your life?”
“Life is full of disruptions,” I responded sadly. “Some good and some bad. Shayna would be a good disruption.”
“What about your friends?” he asked, and I stared at him uncomprehendingly. “You and your friend
had been drinking one night, which resulted in her death.”
“I…” I didn’t know what to say.
“As I’m sure you’re aware, Shayna has had a difficult life for a child so young. She cannot be placed in a home where you and your friends are drinking—”
“No!” I shouted, interrupting him. He looked at me with his eyebrows raised in mock alarm. So much for the relaxed judge who came out earlier making jokes. “I apologize for interrupting you, sir, but I don’t drink. I mean, not anymore. Like you said, I’m young. And even growing up the way I did, I drank. And I normally drank far more than I should have. Cam’s death is on me,” I told him as stoically as I could. Because it was. I explained what happened that day and how Camilla had helped me while I, in turn, had pushed her away. Which resulted in her death.
“Shayna won’t have the life I had. I won’t drink. Hell, I won’t take birth control if you don’t want me to,” I said desperately.
The ghost of a smile appeared on the judge’s face as he told me that such drastic measures wouldn’t be necessary.
“I know I’m young,” I told him emphatically. “But I’m also responsible and very determined. I can understand your misgivings about me. I wasn’t sure if I was right for Shayna or if I even wanted to do any of this. And I understand you wanting to protect her. Because that’s all I’ve wanted to do since I met her. I love her. It’s hard not to fall in love with her once you meet her.” I shrugged my shoulders, unsure if I was saying the right thing but speaking as openly as I knew how.
“Very hard,” he agreed with me. “You’ll hear back from Emily soon,” he told me, obviously dismissing me.
I thanked him and walked away disheveled and pessimistic.
“It’ll work out,” Nate tried to comfort me once we were in his car.